[identity profile] kho.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] sga_flashfic
Title: Flashdrive Communique
Author: [livejournal.com profile] kho
Word Count: ~2100
Rating: R, language
Notes: J Flan Twitter Challenge

Summary:
Wraith kills: a hive's worth, plus change
Coffee stock: Out.
Patience Level: see above



[ Flashdrive Communique ]
by kHo





A month and three days after Sheppard, Ronon, and McKay fly out of Atlantis' gate room "never to be heard from again," they fly by the Alpha site and hover above the camp's dinner table.

"Catch," Sheppard yells, and Lorne yells "Sir," but reaches his hands up to catch the flashdrive that Sheppard chucks at his head.

"Take care of our people, Lorne," Sheppard says, snapping a sharp salute to Lorne, who returns it immediately with a grin.

"Yes, sir," Lorne says, and hands the flashdrive to the nearest person with a computer.

There is one file titled The Amazing Wraith Hunting Adventures of Team Misfit.docx.

They open it.

*

Excerpt from Day 1:

Have spent past six hours being tied up in back of jumper with duct tape covering my mouth. This was, apparently, hysterical to Mr. Flyboy and Chewbacca. Ha ha very ha, thank you. My lips are numb.

It occurs to me that I will likely die on this crazytrain with the two Head Idiots in Charge so I am writing in the hopes that I might posthumously be recognized for the last few miserable years (Months? Days? Hours?) of my life.

How I will get this to you, I've no idea.

Zelenka: Do. Not. Blow. Up. My. City.

Seconded.

Col. Carter: You're so very, very lovely. I hope to once again make science with you. Alas, I feel it is not to be so.

Woolsey: Why are you still with the IOA when you so clearly don't agree with their tactics? I know you could have stopped Sheppard from leaving, and I know you actively chose not to. Do they?

Interesting observation, Rodney. What do you say, Woolsey? Wanna join the cause? We could probably use a diplomat.

Sheppard: I, according to you, spend the last 25 years of my life figuring out how to get you back into the correct timezone and this is how you repay me? Fuck you, my mouth hurts. Like I would have said no, you didn't have to fucking kidnap me!

Sorry, buddy, had to be done. You're too loud awake and un-gagged. And very not good at covert. Plus, you had to come. You're our techsupport!

IOA: What the fuck did you expect? Did you really think we'd just roll over and say 'oh, you don't want to risk it so clearly we'll stop?' I mean, granted, I might've, because well, I don't really relish being hunted and chased down by the Wraith. The fact that you thought Sheppard would shows how very, very, how very incredibly LITTLE you understand him.

Seconded, with an added "Fuck you."



Excerpt from Day 5:

Ronon is a scary, scary man.

Wraith kills: 32 (20:12 Ronon, despite what Sheppard tells you)
Rations left: half gone, in 5 days, way to think ahead idiots
Intelligence gathered: living in the back of a jumper is neither meant for man nor beast (Ronon is the beast).
Sanity Level: Borderline.
Boredom Level: Red Zone.

Am contemplating knocking fellow companions over the head with something large and blunt, stealing the jumper, and leaving their asses.

Note to self: remove all blunt objects from within McKay's reach.





Excerpt from Day 10:

Wraith kills: a hive's worth, plus change
Coffee stock: Out.
Patience Level: see above

Am starting to lose braincells, I think. Ronon and Sheppard had a joke telling bonanza a few days ago and I actually found several of them funny.

Witness: A man in his 90's, for a Special Birthday Gift from his Grandsons, is sent a Stripper to his home to entertain him. After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services. The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?" She said ,"I can provide you "Super Sex". "He says, "Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the Soup!"

Why that one? That one's lame. Here's a better one: What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school? Bison! Get it? Bye, Son.

Seeing as how I laughed, clearly, I need to have my blood-sugar levels checked.

Teyla: Sheppard wishes for me to explain his position on leaving you behind, as he assumes you will be quite pissed. I assume the same, though am not really all that keen to do his dirty work, so I'll just say this: You are lucky. You have a good man and a child. I am stuck in the back of a jumper with two men talking in codes that I am starting to somewhat understand with very little food and NO MORE COFFEE I REALLY, REALLY NEED COFFEE. Count your blessings, and stop being pissed.

That, plus, you have a hell of a lot more to lose than we do.


Excerpt from Day 15:

Ate an amazing meal on a world they called Laoshia, though perhaps spelled differently. Sumptuous non-citric fruit, real honest to god steak (taste-wise, they don't look like cattle but they do moo like them), and wine, lovely lovely glorious wine. I am still, perhaps, more than a little drunk, as I am feeling magnanimous towards Ronon and gave him the last of my potato-type things, and less pissed with Sheppard. I am sure that will go away soon.

Intelligence gathered: The Laoshians are amazingly enough not idiots. While they are certainly not as advanced as the Ancients, they are more advanced than the Wraith and have managed to escape mostly unscathed from the cullings for the past 500 years. I suggest sending a science team there to see what else there is to be found, the gate address is P3W-K99.

Agreed. We told them to expect you.


Excerpt from Day 16:

The not as pissed with Sheppard seems to have stuck around, though why continues to elude me. I am still stuck in a jumper with two crazy men and we are still in dire need of food and coffee.

I do not, however, understand why I am here. I seem to be rather pointless. Sheppard keeps insisting that I am a member of his team and yet, here I sit, uselessly. I've killed no more than 10 wraith while they have killed over three hundred. He keeps leaving me behind in the jumper like it's a fucking getaway car.

Team is team, McKay. When are you gonna get that?

I miss my lab. I miss my scientists. I miss chocolate and coffee and hot showers and books and movies and Doctor Who and, god help me, Wii Golf.

HA! I KNEW YOU SECRETLY LIKED IT!

I miss Jennifer. I wonder if she'll forgive me.

Wraith Kills: > 300
Sanity Level: Within normal limits
Spirit: lower than usual, yet not as low as expected
Rations: at least a weeks worth of potato things and the Laoshian's version of beef jerky - am craving peas of all things.
Boredom Level: Worse than Episode 1.




Excerpt from Day 30:

Finally found something I can do and then promptly realized, yes, I'd rather be useless: Break the two idiots out of the hive ship they willingly walked into, BLINDLY, mind you. I had to fly in undetected, find them, and jigger the system until it let them out without tripping the alarm.

I got a stunblast straight to the head just as we were being surrounded on both sides so I do not know how we got out of there, but apparently it was very, very close, and Ronon's ankle is broken.

We are taking a vacation on some planet that looks like it's covered in 90% rainforest while Ronon recovers. Malaria, yes, Col. Sheppard, great idea.

Mosquitos don't seem to be all that prevalent in Pegasus, so quit your bitching.

Wraith Kills: >300 from before, and then 3 hive ships, which were in close proximity of one another, as part of Our Great Escape Which I Was Unconscious For. I am going to stop counting now.

Rations: found a planet few days back that has canned vegatables and fruits, as well as dehydrated meats. Made our own versin of Dinty Moore Beef Stew. Not too bad, though perhaps that's only because if I see one more potato-type thing I will vomit.

Planet: M39-PX5. If the occasion ever arises wherein you need canned food. Excellent yam-type equivalents. Wish we had cinnamon.

Coffee Level: Replenished, thanks to the Sheppard's realization that if I didn't get coffee soon I was going to start murdering them instead of the wraith. It's not exactly coffee but it has something similar to caffeine and it tastes like really, really burnt coffee, which I've always preferred to begin with.

Mood: Surprisingly good. (See above).

Lorne: Sheppard says to step up the training on hand to hand combat because we are finding that with increased (and stupidly, ridiculously, flabberghastingly INTENTIONAL) exposure to the wraith both he and Ronon have found it much more efficient to kill Wraith with a swift snapping of the neck rather than with bullets.

Lorne: This is not to say encourage your men to drop their weapons and go for the neck, but to say if the situation arises wherein weapons are not around, they should know how to swiftly and efficiently snap a dude's neck.

Reminds me.

Ammunition: Nearly depleted. Must restock ASAP. Sheppard wants to know if I know how to make bullets. Ha. Really? Not that I can, mind you, without the proper equipment, but, really?




Excerpt from Day 32:

The in-fighting between the wraith has increased to such a level that human populations are going to start feeling the brunt on a much more personal front, and I fear much more frequently.

Watched a planet burn below us that had been caught between the fighting of two hives. Managed to salvage some wraith tech but have not managed to break the codes. When do we will let you know, but in the meantime it's time to step up the campaign against the IOA to let us fight the wraith enmass. They're not just eating us anymore, we're collateral damage in their civil war.

500 people lived in that village, and they all burned to a crisp. Children, women, and men. We started this, we need to end it. The three of us could use your help. We're swatting bees one at a time and we need to be knocking the hives off the porches and squashing them by the bushel.

The IOA needs to get their heads out of their collective asses and realize that just because they live in another galaxy it doesn't give them carte blanche to dictate the necessity of our presence here. We live here, we are citizens of Pegasus, we woke them up, and we need to take them down. Help or shut the fuck up.

Huh. Never really fancied myself a freedom fighter and yet, here it is again, the fact that Sheppard understands me better than I understand myself.

Have convinced Sheppard to fly by the Alpha site and drop off the flash drive.

Jennifer: I'm sorry, it wasn't my choice. Being here now though, seeing what I've seen, I know I need to be doing this. I hope you understand.

Zelenka: If I don't make it out of this, please tell Jeannie and the squirt I love them.

Lorne: Yell, scream, curse, throw a tantrum if you have to, but get them to back us up. Sheppard and Ronon are under the delusion we can do this on our own but I am not.

We are under no such delusions, but it's us or nothing, McKay. What are we supposed to do?

*

The IOA doesn't budge of course, so the next time they fly by the alpha site Lorne and four Marines are waiting in a second jumper, and have been for the better part of a week.

"Caldwell's taken command of Atlantis. He says fuck the IOA too, sir, and he thinks he can do without us for the time being."

John look at Rodney and looks at Ronon and feels his breath come a little easier. "Good deal, Major. You sure?"

"Brought beer too, sir," Lorne says, and his grins so wide they can see it through the wide window pane of the jumper. "And chocolate."

"Oh my god," Rodney says. "Chocolate. Lorne? I love you."

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 07:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] em-kellesvig.livejournal.com
You know, there's a rule against sending fanfic to actors. Just this once, it's very tempting. Anonymously, of course. Nicely done!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 07:45 am (UTC)
kazbaby: (Back to Back (Sheppard/Ronon))
From: [personal profile] kazbaby
This is pretty awesome. Loved Sheppard's little additions to Rodney's 'report'.

(and I'll freely admit I sorta cackled loudly at the buffalo joke)
From: [identity profile] sulien.livejournal.com
I think I rather love you for this. Thank you!

ETA: You know, you can use Twitlonger.com and post these one episode (day?) at a time. I would be happy to Tweet JFlan and let him know about it. He doesn't answer, but he definitely checks things out!
Edited Date: 2010-11-21 07:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sulien.livejournal.com
Yep, exactly. Or Tweet them yourself using Twitlonger, either way. Since this is a derivative satire/parody, you should be good to go posting it publicly, so long as you don't make any money from it and use the standard disclaimer that you own none of the characters or setting, etc.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 08:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lilyfarfalla.livejournal.com
This is totally awesome. Oh man.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trystings.livejournal.com
YAY! Season 6! Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 11:33 am (UTC)
ext_2180: laurel leaf (a for atlantis // sga)
From: [identity profile] loriel-eris.livejournal.com
*dies laughing*

Hilarious! *g*

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 12:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluespirit-star.livejournal.com
This great - I especially love the little notes John adds to Rodney's 'reports'.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 03:25 pm (UTC)
ext_24338: (Rodney Rising)
From: [identity profile] leesa-perrie.livejournal.com
LOL! Brilliant, I love Rodney's POV throughout - very him!! Nice ending too!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 04:35 pm (UTC)
cyanne: (SGA Puddle Jumper Coming Home)
From: [personal profile] cyanne
This is so cool. Love how all the voices came through in the report. And I never thought I'd say this, but go Caldwell!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(I looooooooooove Caldwell)

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 04:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mezzo-cammin.livejournal.com
You know - this would be a great new series! Mavericks in space! *g*

Just sayin'.


I really, really enjoyed this! \o/

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-21 04:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] teenygozer.livejournal.com
Ditto to the praise everyone else is giving you! This would make a great new series, plus: I loved Rodney's complaint that he'd killed *only* ten Wraith, which doesn't sound like a lot compared to Han Solo and Chewie's body count, but still -- WARRIOR!SCIENTIST Rodney! Ten Wraith, go you, Rodney!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

HAN SOLO JOHN, WHY DIDN'T I EVER THINK TO MAKE RODNEY CALL JOHN HAN SOLO?!!?!!!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-22 02:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] panisdead.livejournal.com
swiftly and efficiently snap a dude's neck ahahahahah Sheppard I love you. ::g::

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-23 12:40 am (UTC)
ext_417449: Atlantis, 50,000 C.E. (The Last Man) (Default)
From: [identity profile] skaredykat.livejournal.com
Excellent fun, I really enjoyed this!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-11-26 09:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gelbes-gilatier.livejournal.com
Whee, I love this! I love the style and Rodney's snark and the underlying conviction for the people of the Pegasus galaxy Sheppard, Ronon and even McKay feel.

Also... how weird is it that I feel ridiculously proud of Lorne that he decided to join them at the end?

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-01 08:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovethesnark.livejournal.com
Heee, thanks, glad you liked it!

(no subject)

Date: 2010-12-16 02:50 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
It's been forever since I popped on this community (or site for that matter), but this right here is a prime example of why I loved it so much back when my SGA muse was in full swing. Great fic. Can't say anything else, it's just that damn good.

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