Need by Selenay_x

[selenay-x.livejournal.com]

Title: Need
Character: Elizabeth
Rating: Adult themes
Word Count: 352
Spoilers: None
Prompt: Darkside challenge

Unbetad so all mistakes my own

 

Hi – I haven’t posted here before, but wanted to take play, hope you don’t mind.

 

 

 

Elizabeth hovered just out of sight of Teyla’s sickbed, Sheppard’s last words still ringing in her ears.

 

“Teyla told you the Athosians never deal with the Minaeans, it always led to bloodshed.”

 

She knew he’d take the words back in the morning, knew that if Teyla survived, she would reassure her that the risk was worth taking. But that wouldn’t take back the sight of Teyla’s bloodstained body coming through the gate in Ronan’s arms. It wouldn’t take back the worry of the five hour operation.

 

Finally she took the few steps that allowed her to see Teyla who lay frail and broken, hooked up to drips and machines. To see her guardians, John, Rodney and Ronan still keeping vigil at her side.

 

She left without disturbing them for the privacy of her quarters. Alone she finally allowed the tears to fall hoping they would bring the release she needed. Hoping because it was too near her physical and she’s already been challenged for being slightly anaemic.

 

The tears were not enough, the feelings of worthlessness, of failure of letting the team down were not in any way lessened. She took off the long sleeved top she wore on duty and looked down at her arms. Some slight scarring was visible but she was past caring. Moving to the bathroom she took the razor blade from its secret place and drew it slowly over the soft flesh of her arm, the inner arm where marks were less likely to be seen. The first cut was always just for the pain. Always shallow, always surprising in its intensity. The second, slightly longer, only after the first gentle caress of pain had died down.

 

The third was for the blood. Deep and painful. Feelings washed away, released into the sink and away from her. The cuts seductive but liberating always wanting more.

 

She always swore each time would be the last. But each time she was proved to be too weak to resist the lure. And each time she wondered if this would be the time she let it go that one step further.