Fic: Things You Just Don't Want to Hear at Breakfast

[seekergeek.livejournal.com]

title: Things You Just Don't Want to Hear at Breakfast
author: seekergeek
rating: PG-13 ish
characters/pairings: Cadman/Beckett, Katie Brown, Chuck the Technician
genre: humor
warnings: Very slight spoiler for 'The Return' and a reference to 'Duet'. Carson fans, look away. It ain't pretty.
disclaimer: SGA owned by someone who isn't me. No profit made here.
beta'd by: Me, Myself and I. Please inform me if any of these three have failed anywhere.

summary: "Worst. Sex. Ever." Laura growled as she stabbed a poor, defenseless sausage repeatedly with her fork.

Chuck smiled a greeting at Cadman as she plunked her breakfast next to him and Katie, then flopped into her chair wearing a disgruntled pout on her face.

"I take it your romantic night with Carson didn't work out so well. " Katie commented, looking sympathetically at Cadman.

"Worst. Sex. Ever." Cadman growled as she stabbed a poor, defenseless sausage repeatedly with her fork. "What the hell was I thinking, going out with him?" Chuck stared at the victimized sausage on her plate and and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"If I remember correctly, you thought his accent was hot." Katie replied with an arched eyebrow as she fiddled disinterestedly with her toast.

"Well, that's the only thing hot about him, then. " Cadman snorted as she moved onto viciously molesting her waffle. Chuck looked nervously at the deathgrip Cadman had on her cutlery and shifted away from her slightly.

"What happened, Laura?" Katie asked. "Tell us all about it and get it off your chest. That's what friends are for, right?"

Chuck cleared his throat and attempted his getaway. "Well, actually I need to get to the gateroom."

Katie glared at him and kicked him under the table. "You don't need to be in the gateroom for another hour yet."

Chuck knew a death threat when he heard it. He had three sisters, after all. "Oh. Yeah, right." He mumbled, looking at his watch and then shaking it. "My watch must be off. Sorry. You were saying?" he added with an internal wince.

Cadman, too wrapped up in her own misery to notice this byplay, jabbed at her eggs and said, "He kissed like a fish."

"A fish?" Chuck repeated blankly. Oh god. He really had to get out of here somehow.

"All wet and sloppy and, and lippy. I could have sworn he kissed better when I used Rodney's lips." Cadman snarled. "And his hands were wet. Wet! And he didn't have the slightest idea of what to do with them." She slammed her fork down onto the table and Chuck jumped a little. "He elbowed me in the face twice while we were undressing and kneed me in the gut when he was trying to climb on top of me."

Katie leaned forward to pat Cadman on the hand while Chuck looked longingly towards the exit. "I'm so sorry it was awkward for you, Laura. " Katie said soothingly.

"That wasn't even the half of it!" Cadman exclaimed, clearly getting into a groove, rantwise. "He has no clue of how to play with a woman's clit. One word, Katie. NAILS."

Katie winced in sympathy and even Chuck blinked. That had to have hurt. And he really didn't need to know that about Doctor Beckett. Ever.

"And, and," Laura continued agitatedly, "he kept losing the condom. Then he couldn't get the damn thing on because he had it inside out. By the time he'd figured out what the problem was, he'd lost his erection."

Chuck wondered if he learned how to meditate really, really quickly, if he would develop an Ancient talent that would allow him to gracefully sink through the floor and out of this conversation.

Cadman plowed on. "And then, then, once he'd finally managed to get it back up and the rubber on..." she dropped her head into her hands.

"What? What happened, Laura?" Katie asked, rubbing Cadman's arm comfortingly.

"He shot his load after two whole strokes and spent the rest of the night talking to me about his mother. " Cadman lamented into her hands. And then began to cry. Chuck stared in horror. He never knew quite what to do in this kind of situation. He didn't think that anything other than apologizing on behalf of all of male kind would work at the moment.

Katie tutted and dragged Cadman off, muttering something under her breath about taking Cadman off for a drink or twelve to dull the pain. Chuck waved a weak goodbye to them both and sat then there, staring into his plate after they left.

That was it, Chuck thought to himself. From now on he was sitting next to Ronon for breakfast.

Comments

[schtroumph-c.livejournal.com]

*snickers*

Poor Laura :) and poor Chuck.

[shutthef-up.livejournal.com]

This is brilliant! And yes, I love Beckett, but they all can't be sex gods!

Chuck's discomfort with the whole thing was a thing of beauty. I like Chuck.

It's a brave thing to take a well-loved character and make him bad at sex. Er, maybe someone can give him lessons? 'Cos I don't think Laura is going to ever let him near her equipment ever again!

[kejsarinna.livejournal.com]

here from stargateficrec. haha, wonderful piece. poor chuck... and cadman... and carson! haha. anyway, short'n sweet!

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

bwaaaaa hahahaha OMG, done so well I was cringing for poor Laura

[springwoof.livejournal.com]

Hee! and also, ouch.... poor Carson was probably just nervous as hell...

[lyl-devil.livejournal.com]

*laughs hysterically*

Poor Chuck - and poor Carson, his rep is totally shot now.
Great story.

*giggle*

eta. *doh*

[philexos.livejournal.com]

heh. Poor Chuck. And, wow! Laura-- demanding out of bed-- demanding in bed! Total utter sense! I feel so sorry for Carson (except the whole, talking about his mother thing, ew). Laura is SO spot on, I worry about her EVER being satisfied. heh. God, I can just see her going after someone more... competent? And the mayhem and man ego deflation that would follow! *snerk*

eep. I hope I didn't just get someone in line for psychological trauma! eg

[dr-dredd.livejournal.com]

*snort*

This was great: Chuck wondered if he learned how to meditate really, really quickly, if he would develop an Ancient talent that would allow him to gracefully sink through the floor and out of this conversation

You were mean to both Laura and Carson! His reputation is now... er... screwed. ;-)

[skydiver119.livejournal.com]

LOLOL

poor carson.

[amarin-rose.livejournal.com]

*snerf* I feel sorry for Carson...but sorrier for Chuck.

[ladyeclectic79.livejournal.com]

Okay, Beckett doing bad sex: VERY amusing. Much like Rodney would likely be. (...hmm, plot bunny!)

I'd say poor Cadman, but I'm just busy being amused. :D I'll echo the "Poor Chuck" remarks though because, geez, poor guy!! *lol*

[torakowalski.livejournal.com]

Chuck wondered if he learned how to meditate really, really quickly, if he would develop an Ancient talent that would allow him to gracefully sink through the floor and out of this conversation

*giggles* Poor Chuck!

[sulien.livejournal.com]

*groan* Oh, poor Cadman. And poor Beckett! He'll never get another date on Atlantis again (unless someone decides he's worth training). *snicker*

I got here via Stargateficrec, and I am ever so glad that fugacious_love recced this. Thanks for sharing!

snerk.

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

Heh. Comedy *gold*.

[infinimato.livejournal.com]

OH MY HEAD.

Poor Chuck, having to listen to that.

Poor Laura, having to go THROUGH that.

Poor me, stuck with these thoughts in my head now... :-)

[bluebrocade.livejournal.com]

LOL! OMG, poor Carson! Poor Chuck! *giggles*

[ravenstarwind.livejournal.com]

So That's why it didn't work out! Not the totally lame excuse he used.

Oh well, this just paves the way for a few McKay/Cadman shippers I know...

[yokiem.livejournal.com]

That was hilarious! I loved how you wrote Chuck! Poor Chuck.. hehe!

[heartnut.livejournal.com]

here via sga_newsletter.

Man, I'm a Carson fangirl, but I'm glad I read this one--gives me a new appreciation for life in general. Poor everyone--no one likes to hear about bad sex, do they?

You were evil in this one to all the characters--good job! :) *hug*

[rhianona]

this had me almost falling out of my chair, I was laughing to hard! Thank you!

[rhian-morwenna.livejournal.com]

My family was looking at me funny the entire time I was reading this. Well done!

And I'll add to the chorus...Poor Chuck!

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

*snorts* This was great.

[trishkit.livejournal.com]

"He elbowed me in the face twice while we were undressing and kneed me in the gut when he was trying to climb on top of me."

This is pretty much how I imagined any Beckett encounter would go down. Which is why I try not to think about Beckett.

This was awesome! Thank you!