fic: When The Kittens Have You

[tielan]

TITLE: When The Kittens Have You
AUTHOR: tielan
SUMMARY: "Rodney was reminded of why he'd never much liked the military. Other than Samantha Carter, of course. The great love of his life, who'd never know how ignominiously he'd died, gnawed to death by an over-enthusiastic kitten."
GENRE: Gen, Humour
RATING: 13+
WORD COUNT: 2,800 *coughs* The story got away from me.
DISCLAIMER: The characters of 'Stargate Atlantis' aren't mine and no money is being made from these stories.
SPOILERS: None specific.
NOTES: I started this fic this afternoon and finished it this evening. I think that may be a personal record.

When The Kittens Have You

The feline was cute in an oversized kind of way.

It was probably the markings that did him in. They were almost exactly like his cat's markings, back home. He really missed Felix at times, even the cat hair all over his clothing. There was something very comforting about the sound of a cat purring in the middle of the night, or waking up to a handwash delivered with a slightly raspy tongue.

Of course, the 'morning wash-up call' had usually been delivered no later than seven in the morning, which meant that Rodney woke up much earlier than he wanted. And which meant Felix got fed first thing in the morning, if only to ensure that he would spend the next few hours comfortably cleaning himself and not his owner's face.

Rodney wouldn't have given up his position on the expedition team for anything; but he really missed his cat.

Which was why, when the tiger-sized feline emerged from the long grass of their current savannah, Rodney didn't give the alarm.

Besides, in spite of its size, it didn't look like a predator. The ratio of legs to body was much too large for starters, and the head was far bigger than the body - a sure sign of infancy. And as it bumbled out of the grass and up to Rodney, it tumbled paws-over-head once as though it hadn't quite gotten the hang of its legs and how to co-ordinate them. There was no menace in the large, slit-pupilled eyes as they regarded him, just the curiosity of the young.

Definitely a kitten.

Anyway, it was purring.

What proof was Rodney against that?

Of course, when his team crested the hill a few minutes later, alerted by his 'unusual and prolonged silence' (Sheppard's idea of a joke), they weren't as impressed with the feline as Rodney.

"McKay, what the hell is that?"

"You've got eyes, don't you, Lieutenant? What does it look like?" Rodney retorted, scratching behind the oversized kitten's eyes. "It's a cat."

"A damn big cat," Ford said, adjusting his grip on his sidearm in a way that made Rodney very uneasy.

Teyla was more diplomatic in her comment. "It is a very large animal," she said. Of the three of them, she was the only one that didn't reach for her weapon, although she kept a wary stance.

The kitten had started butting Rodney's hands, showing its displeasure with not having his full attention. He quickly petted it, ticking it beneath the chin. The kitten stretched it's throat out, eager for attention.

"Look, you've got nothing to worry about," he began. "Look at it. It's just a baby. And it's got markings like Felix."

"Felix?"

"My cat."

Sheppard snorted. "You called your cat 'Felix'?"

"Well, I did consider calling it Heisenberg, or maybe Schroedinger, but in the end, I figured that probably every scientist calls their cat that. And we were watching the cartoon one morning on the Cartoon Network, and..."

"I'm sorry I asked," Sheppard said, and Ford grinned, then blinked.

The kitten had paused in its fawning and was in the middle of a yawn, showing a large array of teeth. Rodney blinked. Okay, so the sight of all those ivory-white fangs in pink gums was a little daunting. And he could see way down the throat of the--

Just a baby. Right?

"It is a hunter," Teyla said, turning to scan the surrounding landscape. "The feline hunters are often the most dangerous; you often do not know they stalk you until they are upon you."

Sheppard turned towards her, flipping off the safety catch on his weapon. "They're hunters?"

She glanced at him, surprised. "Is it not obvious?"

"Well, I was hoping the teeth and claws were...for show. Or something."

"I think 'or something' covers it," Ford noted. "Those teeth would make short work of one of us."

"And that one is just a baby?" Sheppard asked. "So just how large would the full-size version be?"

Rodney figured he'd better inject some sense into the conversation. The others were needlessly panicking - the creature meant absolutely no harm. He refused to think that it was because it just wasn't old enough to have honed killer instincts. "Look, it's just playing..."

The Major gave him a sour look. "That's what cats do with their food, McKay."

"Oh." He hadn't thought of that. The cute little kitten was staring at him, its head tilted to one side as though thinking. Meal of Rodney McKay? No. Not if Rodney had anything to say about it. "Uh, I don't suppose you could…"

"Chase it off?" Sheppard asked. "But I thought it was just playing."

The other man had very bad timing for jokes. Especially jokes of this sort. After all, Rodney was here, about to be made a meal of by a really cute super-sized kitten, and all Sheppard could do was poke fun at him?

"We could shoot it," Ford suggested.

Now that was going too far. "Don't get trigger-happy, Lieutenant," Rodney warned.

He received a shrug from the young officer. "Was just a suggestion."

"No, I don't think we'll shoot it," Sheppard said, genially. "I mean we could, but it's all cute and fluffy."

He'd just known those words were going to come back and bite him in the ass. "Major!"

It didn't help that Ford was quite obviously struggling not to laugh. Even Teyla's mouth was suspiciously curved at the corners. At least they were making an effort to hide their amusement - which was more than Sheppard was doing.

"Look, I'm just suggesting that we don't want to make enemies around here." The man shifted, resting his hands comfortably on his P-90 as though he could stand around all day. "I mean, don't you think we have enough enemies in this galaxy already?"

Oh, that was rich. That was absolutely rich coming from the man who'd started his tenure in Pegasus by making enemies of the Wraith, and who'd followed it up by annoying the heck out of the Gennii and making personal enemies of one of their warlords.

Rodney had just opened his mouth to say as much, when he saw the movement in the treeline behind them. Uh-oh.

"Guys, I think..." He paused and swallowed. "I think you might like to turn around."

They turned around.

Teyla looked directly up into the muzzle of a huge cat. It was easily twice her height, it's paw about as big as Her eyes widened as the creature yawned, showing a mouth full of very large, very pointed teeth.

"Okay," Sheppard said. His hands were slipping over the lines of his weapon, as he spoke in quiet, commanding tones. "Teyla, don't move..."

"Major, do you realise that they're big enough that bullets won't have much of an effect on them?"

"It'll give us time to get away."

Which might have been a reasonable idea - if it wasn't for the fact that at least two other giant cats had slunk out of the long grass, appearing as magically as any rabbit out of the proverbial hat.

The kitten bounded over with squeaks and growls at one of the larger ones, turning to prance alongside the older, more saturnine feline before taking a swipe from a paw easily as big as Rodney's thigh. It bowled over and over, coming to rest on it's back, paws in the air.

"Hey!" Rodney objected, starting towards the downed kitten. "That wasn't necessary!"

He'd taken no more than a step in that direction when he found himself the subject of a narrow-eyed gaze. He froze.

"I would make no fast movements," Teyla said. She sounded as calm as ever - but for the faint hint of worry threading through her throaty voice. "Running from them will only excite their predatory instincts."

"No fast movements," Sheppard said. "Got it."

"And everyone remember to breathe," Ford joked.

"I happen to think this is a very bad time for jokes, Lieutenant." Rodney asked.

"As good as any," the other said. "I mean, if we're going to go out, might as well do it laughing."

Laughing was the last thing on Rodney's mind. The giant tom was still regarding him with a look that was distinctly tolerant, as though the creature was in two minds about what to do with them.

In the meantime, the kitten had picked itself up from the ground, and shaken itself, before bounding up to Rodney and putting a paw firmly on his thigh. It then looked over at the adult and tilted its head.

"You know, I think it likes you, McKay," Sheppard commented.

Great. Now all Rodney needed was for Teyla to join in with the fun. "No, really? What a stellar example of logical thinking, Major," he snapped. "You know, now would be a good time to do something."

"Before it decides if it's going to take you home?" Ford asked.

Rodney was reminded of why he'd never much liked the military. Other than Samantha Carter, of course. The great love of his life, who'd never know how ignominiously he'd died, gnawed to death by an over-enthusiastic kitten. "Oh, ha-ha," he snapped.

The adult cat regarded Rodney with a calculating look in its eye, and paced closer. Unnerved by the interest of the larger beast, he tried to take a step back, but the kitten growled softly at him. 'Stay put' had never been quite so clearly communicated by an animal to a human before.

Great. He was being trained as a pet. Of a giant cat.

Wonderful..

The largest of the three adult cats regarded first him, then turned to the other three humans.

"Oh, no," Sheppard said in warning. "Don't even think about that." But even as he reached for his gun, the creature had leaped and taken him down, flattening him by the simple expedient of laying one huge paw on Sheppard's chest, pinning hands and gun at once.

The growl that rose from the huge throat was...impressive. Terrifying. And clearly a warning. Don't even think about it.

"Don't, Lieutenant," Teyla said, even as Ford reached for his weapon. A moment later, Ford also caught sight of another of the creatures headed towards him. This one seemed to be an adolescent, judging by its size, features, and gait, but it was still half again the height of any human being.

"Sir?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," came the response from the ground. "Kinda pinned, though."

"I do not believe that they intend us harm," Teyla began. But even as the words left her lips, the last cat - a green-eyed tabby with white paws - turned to regard her and slunk towards her on large, silent feet.

Sheppard turned his head at the faint rustle of dried grasses past him, and managed to angle his head enough to see what was happening. "You were saying, Teyla?"

She remained where she was, watching the large creature with a steady gaze. It, in turn, regarded her back with an expression that looked almost wary. The nostrils flared delicately at her hair, moved to her shoulder, then down the curve of her side to...

"No," Teyla said firmly, and pushed the giant muzzle away.

The cat sat back, regarded her, and twitched its nose. At Rodney's side, the baby yowled briefly, drawing all eyes to it. It sounded like nothing so much as a complaint that nobody was paying it any attention. The expression on its face was certainly sulky as it butted its head against Rodney's waist. He hastily began patting it, hoping that it might appease the creature long enough to....

To do what?

They couldn't run, the felines would easily outpace them. They probably wouldn't last long in a fight, especially since the creatures could inflict more damage on the humans with their claws and teeth than the humans could inflict on them with P-90s and Berettas. And as for out-thinking them...

Well, it was fairly obvious that these creatures were intelligent. Perhaps not to the degree of storing up knowledge or developing technology, but definitely not dumb.

Besides, it wasn't as though they could give them the riddle of the Sphinx to solve while they all ran away back to the Stargate, was it?

"Okay, I'm guessing that we're all out of brilliant ideas at this point?"

"Somehow, I don't think it takes a doctorate to see that," Sheppard muttered.

Teyla was still engaged in a staring competition with the adult female, who tilted her head this way and that. The large, triangular head swivelled to stare, first at Sheppard, then at Ford, then, finally at Rodney. Then it turned back to Teyla, sniffed at her hair again, sneezed, and turned around to make its way towards Rodney.

The adult male growled something, still standing over Sheppard. The female ignored him completely. She sniffed briefly at Rodney, and it took all his restraint not to flinch when she licked his cheek. Oh, they were felines, all right. All the way down to the sandpapery tongue.

A tiny yowl from the baby earned it a lick from forehead to nape, before the mother picked it up by the scruff of the neck and began walking away from the scene. As if that had been a signal, the adolescent retreated, swiftly vanishing into the underbrush.

The tom took longer to move. It was only when the female reached the top of the hill and there was no sign that her companion was following that she dropped the kitten and hissed at the male. The male hissed back, but took his paw from Sheppard's chest and backed away, teeth bared and wary.

"I'm guessing it doesn't like me," Sheppard noted as he climbed to his feet, his hand never leaving his P-90. Exactly what he thought using the weapon would do was beyond McKay. The female had led the others away, but if any of her 'pride' were hurt, she would probably be the most ruthless of them all. Wasn't there that song about the female of the species being more deadly than the male?

"Well, I must admit, I wouldn't like you much if you looked like you were going to shoot me, either."

The look he got from the other man was a few degrees short of a laser beam. "Don't think I haven't considered it."

"Hey, McKay, I think your friend wants to say goodbye." Ford indicated the kitten who was standing upright at the crest of the hill, tail flicking idly, head tilted sideways. "It's a pity Mom said he's not allowed to keep you."

"Oh, very funny," Rodney snapped. But he watched until the adult female gently licked the tuft between the kitten's ears and vanished into the long grass, and the baby followed it.

He didn't wave goodbye to the kitten, of course. That was silly and sentimental, and it wasn't as though he'd owned it - or it had owned him.

It had just...reminded him of Felix. A bit.

And now he really missed his cat.

"So what was the whole staring thing between you and the cat?" Sheppard was asking Teyla as they walked back to the ship.

"I am as confused as you," she said, glancing at him and shrugging. "I have heard of such creatures before, although my people have not encountered them for many generations, and such stories are more myth and legend. It may simply be that she did not consider us worth her time."

"Hey, I'm glad of it," Ford murmured as they reached where they'd set the puddlejumper down. "Playing catnip for the rest of my life was never on my list of things to do before I die."

They climbed into the vehicle and took their seats, strapping themselves in as Major Sheppard started up the ship.

"Although now we can say we know McKay's type," Sheppard noted as they flew for the gate and Ford dialled them home. "Furry, with sharp teeth."

"Very funny, Major," Rodney said. He hesitated, then figured that it was better to get it out in the open. Knowing both Sheppard and Ford, they were just waiting for the opportunity to say such a thing - doubtless once Teyla was out of the scene. He might as well make his position clear now - before the jokes started cropping up. "And I'd just like to say now that if you want to use any computer in Atlantis without trouble from now until forever, then making jokes about giant pussies will be a very bad idea."

This time the noise that came from Ford was very definitely a snort of laughter. Sheppard's shoulders shook once, but he didn't otherwise make a sound. Rodney had no doubts that the man was probably staring out the window, trying to hide a grin and failing miserably.

"I suppose that this is one of those things about which it is better that I do not know," Teyla said, with more than a hint of wry tolerance.

"Don't ask, Teyla," Sheppard told her, glancing back with half a smile as they headed for the dialling Stargate. "Really, don't ask."

- fin -

FINAL NOTE: I don't actually have a beta, so all errors and mistakes are mine and mine alone. I would appreciate one if someone is willing to put assist with their time.