Title: Lets Get Down to Business, by angelic_mand

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Title: Lets Get Down to Business
Author: angelic_mand
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Various slash pairings.
POV: Kavanagh
Word count: 2, 032
Summary: Personally, I fail to see why these women, wraith, ancients and beasts (sooner or later a beast), continue to throw themselves at Sheppard. Now, if it was McKay, then it would be different indeed. Not that I like, Rodney. Oh, please! The man is a hot rambling idiot. What could possibly, be remotely sexy about Rodney?
A/N: Unbeta read, so all mistakes are mine.




Marcus,

As I sit here, munching on Caldwell’s king-size bag of M&M’s-(peanut)…And, yes, I am aware that he’ll kill me-If he ever finds out that is. But, please! I deserve a better title than ‘The phantom M&M snatcher’.

Does he have to dramatize everything? Clearly, the man has been watching too much ‘General Hospital’.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. I’m officially, now at a loss.

I mean-wow! Boy, were we wrong.

Now, truth be told, it’s no surprise that you were wrong, but me? How the hell is that even remotely possible? I mean, this is me, we’re talking about!

But, we’ll save that for another time, after all, it is rather important that we get down to business, right?

But, where to begin?-The beginning would be the best place, to start, right? And no doubt, you’re rolling eyes, as you go along.

So, apparently, we were both wrong.

And so, onto my report and findings-which begin a little over a week ago.

And let me just say….Well, actually, I don’t want to spoilt you. You’ll find out, as you go along, but, let me just say, that you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

My journey begins with Sheppard and ends with Weir.

We, all know that the Colonel’s a Player, with a capital P, manwhore. I’m sorry, I mean Shepwhore. (Do you think he’s aware of his latest calling card?).

Look at all the stupid, bimbos, aimlessly throwing themselves at him. Why?! It’s not like the guy’s Cary Grant or Brad Pitt. (Yes, I know, interesting list)….So what am I missing? John Sheppard is a manwhore player. In fact, he has to be the worst man-player, to-date.

Was you aware of Sheppard’s little black book?

No, of course, you weren’t.

Would you care to know how he rated you?



Well…….

He….

Gave…..

You…..

A…..

Score…..

Now, remember this is out of ten-ten, naturally, being the highest.


So…..

What…..

Did……

He…..

Give…..


You…..?!





I’m…….


Not……

Telling you!!!!



You and Sheppard? When the fuck did that happen? Was he good?

The man really is Kirk. He just cannot keep it in his pants!!!

I’m surprised he hasn’t tried seducing the women on the base. But, perhaps that has something to do with their immune ness to Sheppard’s Kirk syndrome?

I mean, there were rumors of him and Xena the Princess Warrior Teyla. Oh, please! Teyla is clearly far to dominating, for him.

Rumor has it, that he has settled. That he’s stopped with the whole Kirk syndrome-yeah, right-that’s like saying he didn’t flirt with that Wraith!

Jesus! He flirts, with any living thing-as long as it has a pulse-man, woman, ancient, beast, wraith. The list is endless.

But, it is rather amusing, because, in spite of his Kirkness, McKay, just isn’t reacting.

Yes, you read, correctly.

But, is it really a surprise? I know, what you’re thinking. Like many residing in the city-Jesus, fuck already! And leave the rest of us in peace! I’m right, right? Of course, I am.

However, today, I am the barer of good news. The ‘McShep’- (Would you like more snark and lube with that?) theory has already been put to the test- Last week in fact.

Last week, whilst, I was being hounded by the crazy, psycho, bitch, Heightmeyer.

I was just minding my own business, on my way to…Well, you know where. And, suddenly, she appears-black magic, anyone?

And then, she starts lecturing me, on how I’ve missed my last few sessions.

The woman clearly, has a lot of frustration. Perhaps she ought to seek Radek or Elizabeth-see if either one of them can ‘help’ her with her frustration.

Now, you think she’d be grateful. After all, by me ‘missing’ my sessions, it gives her an hour of peace and ‘alone’ time. You really, would think she’d be grateful-Far from it!

Woman, why don’t you just bang, Elizabeth already? And leave the rest of us in peace.


Perhaps, you could fly her out to that planet where Sheppard ‘met’ Chaya? I’m sure, she’d be more than happy, to lead a helping hand.

Although, between the two of us, Kate won’t be happy-If you just abandoned her. Now, if Weir went along, that would be different.

And no, I do not have a one-track mind. Well, actually, that’s a lie, for you, my mind is one-tracked.

Just a quick side note on Kate-Am I the only one, who believes she’ll end up crazy, alone, old and surrounded by nine or ten cats?

Marcus, you have to do something. She seems to have taken a liking to you, so work that magic and set her up with someone-hell, set her up with Caldwell!

The woman is on my back, constantly! Set her up! After all, you are the local Romeo, are you not?

Now, back to Captain Kirk and his hot sidekick McKay.

After, narrowly, escaping Kate, I made my way toward the lab and out stumbled McKay and Sheppard.


McKay looked hot pissed off-ranting and raving about Sheppard and his endless flings. Sheppard-being Sheppard, threw Rodney that look-you know the look-“Can I help it if women continue to throw themselves at me? And, do you blame them? Who wouldn’t want me?”

Okay, I made that last part up. But, the man truly is a player.

But, clearly the two of them are very much involved.

Mmmm-Sheppard or McKay? Which would I you prefer?

Clearly, McKay’s the dominant one in their relationship. But, is that really a surprise? I’ve been observing them for the past several months and Rodney, Rodney certainly is full of surprises.

Now, where, was I?

Oh, yes.

It was clear from the scene unfolding in front of me, that Sheppard wasn’t getting any from McKay…..That Rodney had put a stop, to their physical aspect of their relationship. Prove enough, that Rodney is indeed the dominant one.

McKay must have made some kind of remark, because the next words to come flying out of Sheppard’s mouth were: ‘Fine! I’ll prove it to you!”

Then this sexy smirk appeared on Rodney’s lips, he placed his hands on his hips-so hot gay. “You wouldn’t last two days…actually, make that a week, without sex or flirting with anything, with breasts.”

Sheppard had this smug expression. “A week?”

“Make it a fortnight.”

Oh, Marcus, you should’ve seen Sheppard’s expression! He looked like he had been slapped.

Rodney’s smirk widened-(Oh Dear God, the man is hot), as he added, “What’s the matter, John? Can’t handle it?”

Sheppard mimicked his words, before cockily replying: “Can too.”-Kindergarten, anyone?

“Fine. Well, now seems like the perfect time, to put this theory to the test.”

Again, Marcus, you should have seen Sheppard’s face.

Two weeks, without sex? Ha! He wouldn’t last a day. I’ll let you know next week, about their theory.

Personally, I fail to see, why these women, wraith, ancients and beasts (sooner or later a beast), continue to throw themselves at Sheppard.

Now, if it was McKay, then it would be different indeed.

Not that I like, Rodney. Oh, please! The man is a hot rambling idiot.

What could possibly, be remotely sexy about Rodney?

Now, if you think Sheppard’s bad, clearly you’ve never seen ‘Doctor sweet-and innocent-Weir’ in action.

I don’t know who’s worse, Sheppard or Elizabeth-It’s like they’re having some sort of competition to see, who can get laid more score the highest.

And after the other day, my money, has to be on ‘Sweet and innocent’ Elizabeth Weir.

The woman is worse! Worse than Sheppard, who would have thought that was possible?!

Now, you like many others, have heard the countless and endless rumors about Weir and her endless string of... bitches , women, men-anybody with a pulse I gather (Just like Sheppard).

And when I last checked Teyla, was the latest unfortunate victim.

Oh, poor, poor, sweet and yet, naïve Teyla. Or, at least, I thought that at the time.

Whilst, Sheppard, has a thing about puddle jumpers, Elizabeth, has a thing about transporters and the balconies on the east pier.

I’ll give you a perfect example: as you may recall, several days ago, the panel in one of the transporter, had be tampered with-the tenth one. But who’s counting? However, there was one minor difference-the monitor.

After all, it was rather peculiar, how the panels had been tampered with and yet, everything else remained intact.

When the truth finally, came out, Caldwell was mad as hell. It’s a good thing, he doesn’t wear a wig otherwise, it would’ve flown off. That’s how pissed off he was.

For there in the transporter, was Novak, and Weir. And let’s just say they were doing, work of another kind.

Remember this-whenever you’re around the quiet, sweet, innocent and 'butter wouldn’t melt' ones-that’s the ones you have to look put for!

Now, I know what you’re thinking, Novak and Weir?

That’s where you’d be half right and wrong. It’s Weir and anyone-man or woman.

Clearly, her boyfriend, back on Earth wasn’t giving her enough-why else, would she have such a high sex drive?

Rumor has it that she’s found herself a girl toy-Cadman.

It does make sense. Have you even noticed the way Laura gawks at Elizabeth? She’s like some love-stricken puppy. And here I was, under the impression that she was dating Beckett.

I do believe, however, that Beckett has picked up on it.

Of course, it doesn’t help, when both women flirt with each other. Oh Dear Lord, fuck already. Yes, fucking seems to be my answer to everything nowadays.

Now, back on the dumb blonde Cadman and Weir.

Do you remember that incident that took place, in the messhall, several weeks ago?

When Cadman ‘accidentally’ dropped her tray, just as Weir, happened to walk by-could that have been anymore junior high?

Cadman and her goofy smile-what a sight for sore eyes and Elizabeth with her death smile-the sweet and innocent one.

And thus, the flirting began. Surely, I wasn’t the only one, who believed that they were going to fuck there and then?

Boy was, Teyla all pissy, at the sight of them flirting. But, I’m sure she taught Weir a lesson though-know what I mean?

Speaking of lessons, are you taking her up, on her offer? I hope so. The sparring sticks will certainly come in handy, if you catch my drift.

Are we actually still on for tonight? I mean, it’s just after our last incident…I’m really not sure. But, Marcus, I swear it wasn’t my fault nor was it my intent-the camera just happened to be there.

But come on! Hot gay sex, kinda says its all, don’t you think?

And do you know, how much, women would pay to see two hot men fucking? Of course, if we were to add McKay or Ronon into the mix, we’d be hotter. See, if you can work your magic on either one of them.

But, I stand by my word. It wasn’t my intent-unless, you wanna…Do you? It’s just I ran left, before you could react.

I’ll tell you what, you ask Rodney and I’ll try to ask Ronon. Cloud nine, here we come.

I better getting going, before someone comes. I’m sending you an attachment of the scoring lists-did I mention that Weir’s is on her laptop?

I’m surprised to say, that she hasn’t done Cadman, but it’s only a matter of time. No surprise Teyla’s a ten…as is Lindsey. You’ll be glad to know that Sheppard’s given you a score rating between five and ten.

If we’re still on for tonight, I’ll think you’ll be surprised to learn about McKay’s kinks-Who knows, maybe with this newly found information, we could rope him into a three-way?

Your one and only

Calvin.


What Kavanagh, failed to realize was that as he hit the ‘send’ button: his email, would soon open up on every laptop in the city. This is what happens, when you carelessly drift the mouse over to the ‘send all’ button.

Is there a lesson to be learnt from this? Yes, just double check, before sending an email. You wouldn’t want it to fall into the wrong hands, now would you? All in Kavanagh’s case, the hands of every single soul in the city.