sga_flashfic | And Thanks For The Fish by Commodoresexual (Documentation Challenge)

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Title: And Thanks For The Fish
Author:

commodoresexual
Word Count: 1,251
Warnings: PG-13 implied for language and implied sexual situations (mmm, sexual situations), Spoilers through Season 2 generally
Character(s): Kolya, Other, The Team, and of course, another one of those 'poor native planets' that suffers from the wrath of Team Atlantis.
Summary: The Pegasus Galaxy has penpals. Too bad they don't have Sheppard incoming alarms...

~~~~~~~~~~

Communication and friendship between worlds of the Pegasus Galaxy is not as uncommon as one might think. Just because your neighbors might be all swept away and eaten by space demons with rather amazing hair regimes next week, doesn’t mean you don’t open the Circle of the Ancestors, exchange vegetables (or plutonium, if you’re really on the same page) and have a chat.

It is like when you are in primary education – the boy next to you will usually trade you high-grade weapons and not ask you questions – and if the white-faced instructor with the sharp teeth comes by … well naturally, you’ll both cover for one another.

So really, it wasn’t all that uncommon to have the military commander of the Nicceans write a query to the military commander of the Genii when a rather interesting group came trouping through his Circle of the Ancestors. The correspondence over the next few hours went as followed;

To the right hon. Acastus Kolya, Commandante of the Genii Legions; from the Guardian of the Niccean Peoples, Matthias Huron.

Acastus,

Did you know that there are people actually living in the City of the Ancients? An entire group of them came through our circle not an hour ago. We’re letting them wander through the woods and talk to the guards sans ‘villagers’ right now - apparently they’ve come looking for allies and food.

Don’t know why, the one that won’t shut up looks chubby enough to feed a pack of Wraith for a week.

Yrs sincerely,
Mattie

PS How about those new pistol shellings, eh? Isn’t it nice to fire a gun at a target and not have a fifty percent chance of it blowing up your hand? Did I come through for you or didn’t I?

~~~~~~~~~

To the esteemed Guardian of the Niccean Peoples, Matthias Hurron; from Acastus Kolya, Commandante of the Genii Legions.

Matthias,

Yes. They call themselves the Atlanteans –the presumptuous group of

Mattie, the chubby one. Is he arrogant? Contemptuous of your ‘village?’ Called you at any point in time a group of ’pre-historical goat herders'?

Yrs truly,

Acastus

PS As always, you’re the pinnacle of the Mountain of Arshew. What do I owe you?

~~~~~~~~~

Acastus

I believe the actual term used was, ‘backwards planet of sheep lovers’. Then he mentioned something about someone named ‘Carson’, and how he’d ‘be right at home here’. The tall skinny one smacked him upside the head. I found it rather humorous, actually.

Yrs sincerely,

Matthias

PS A bottle of the rotgut you have on tap, and a dinner invitation, as always.

~~~~~~~~

Matthias,

Damnit.

Does the chubby annoying bastard look like he’s been sniffing at the fermented annus root, with the waving of the hands and the twitching? Has he asked you for a ‘ZED-PM’? At any time has he asked if your food has something called ‘citrus’, then explained to you in great detail how it will kill him? Did he offer to draw you diagrams of what to do if that happens?

Does the tall skinny one seem to be flirting with every woman and even vaguely interested male by just standing there, but looks completely confused when someone wraps themselves around him like a cloak? Does his hair seem to shoot out in five directions like he’s been struck by lightning? Does he drawl like he’s been at the ‘sacramental sucker’ wine bottle once too often?

Also, is there a woman with them? A woman of grace and beauty, both soft-spoken and delicate, and yet you have the feeling she would take you apart like a tinker’s puzzle if you so much as offered to show her your leather worked stichery? Does she walk softly and carry TWO big sticks?

Yrs worriedly,

Acastus

PS. Done and done. Casual dress, come at eight, bring an overnight satchel. I’m very grateful.

~~~~~~~~~~

Acastus,

Ah, as a matter of fact…

Yrs confusedly,

Mattie

PS Oh, ho. That kind of grateful. I’ll bring the sacramental lillo oil then…

~~~~~~~~~~

Mattie,

GET THEM OUT OF THERE. GET THEM OFF YOUR PLANET RIGHT NOW. GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY REQUIRE AND THEN BOOT THEM THROUGH THE CIRCLE, HEAD FIRST.

They are the most dangerous ‘Atlanteans’, by far. Do NOT be fooled by their congenial and stupid natures. They are cunning, deadly, and above all have the luck of a yuko player who has three hands of weekea.

Yrs VERY, VERY worriedly,

Acastus

PS. Only if you still have it. Or lillo plants … or your planet, come to think of it…

~~~~~~~~~~

Acastus,

I think you’re overreacting. I mean, really. The chubby annoying one and the skinny, weird-haired one are just snipping at one another in some sort of strange off-worlder mating ritual, and the woman seems so mellow I’m not sure she’s even awake – it’s entirely possible she’s sleeping with her eyes open.

The most dangerous looking one is the tall, hairy one, and all he does is keep eating. I’m trying to figure out where he’s keeping it all … maybe his hair is a living entity all on its own…

Anyways, I’m going to get them liquored up, steal all their rather interesting equipment, and then toss them into the Pit of the Xearanafallfa. One, two, three, four dead arrogant off-worlders.

Mattie

PS And even if the worst occurs, I still have LOTS of lillo oil. Enough for five Wraith cullings, and ye Zorak, that’s a horrible image.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Mattie.

It’s your ceremonial burial by the sacred flames of Zorak. I wash my hands of it.

Acastus

PS. Also, disgusting. That’ll snap me right out of the mood. That and your now probable demise at the hands of the Atlantean jackasses.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Several hours later, after a daring escape involving not one, but all of the above; Sheppard and Ronon fighting their way past forty armed Nicceans with just Sheppard’s P-90 and several of Ronon’s hair knives, Teyla convincing an entire regiment of villagers to let them get to the Circle of the Ancients using superior negotiating tactics, serious and stern tones that reminded everyone of their grandmothers, and a few good smacks across the head of various guards with her sticks, and finally McKay rigging several bombs using sheep bladder-skin pouches and the hooch taken from the Genii, then fixing the dialing device with what was later to be discovered some sort of sticky, mint-flavored substance and the wrapper of what the Atlanteans called ‘power bars’ – the following letter, slightly singed, found its way through the Circle and into the hands of the Genii commander.

All it had to say was this;

Acastus,

SO, you may have been right.

…

All right, completely and totally right, and if I ever hear the words, ‘football’, ‘hypoglycemic’, or ‘peaceful talks’ in the next few months I may have a nervous breakdown.

Also, I was completely right about the hair being a living entity. It spits out knives, for the love of Zorak!

I’ll be there in an hour – I’d like two bottles of rotgut and I managed to salvage several bottles of lillo oil. Comfort me, as I think I’ve been sacked?

Yrs very, very forlornly,

Mattie

PS. Is there any way to build a warning system against them? Or maybe we could just sneak giant bells around their necks? No, wait, we should just warn other civilizations that they can hear the chubby annoying one from miles away. Tell them to listen for, ‘Blah, blah blah, we’re superior and this doesn’t have lemon, right?’

Current Mood: chipper

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From:

ekaterinn.livejournal.com

*dies laughing* Oh god, I'll quote my favourite bits, except that would be the whole damn fic. Poor, poor Mattie, completely taken in by the seemingly incompetency of Team Nuts and then totally gobsmacked by their luck and mad skills. *g*

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