Dream Forsaken by JIC (Post Secret)

[jic]

Title: Dream Forsaken
Author: JIC
Notes: Sheppard introspective, Epiphany tag
Thanks: butterfly for the read through & suggestions.
Spoilers: Sanctuary and Epiphany



Teer was my first.

John lay fully dressed on his bed, on his side with one knee pulled up.  He turned a standard postcard over and over in his fingers, four words written on the back side.  The photograph was simple: a large, otherwise unremarkable, red-brown rock labeled “Ayers Rock” sitting alone in the middle of a brushy plain. It was one of many he'd picked up in the various places he'd been stationed.  He never mailed them, mostly for lack of anyone to mail them to.  He’d forgotten to remove the cards from his pack before he was stationed to another galaxy. 

John’s eyes stared at the edge of his nightstand.  John’s mind, however, was elsewhere.

He’d always wanted sex to be something special – something meaningful and cherished between him and a person as deeply committed as he.  He’d devoted so much time to his military career that he had never had much opportunity to search, but still he’d dreamed of meeting someone special and worthy and honorable, someone who shared his goals, his dreams, and returned his respect – someone joyful, someone with whom he could share laughter. 

When people scoffed at his naïveté, he’d learned to keep his intention a secret.  But he wanted his first time – all of his sexual encounters – to be with that one person he’d love for the rest of his life.  Chaya had been beautiful, and he’d enjoyed their picnic and mild necking at the top of the southwest pier, but he hadn’t gone further than that.  She wasn’t his wife, and he became certain she would never be when she confessed the reality of her situation.  He’d been glad he’d only walked her back to her quarters, though he hadn’t dissuaded McKay of his assumptions.

But then he lived six months trapped in a secluded world, finally despairing of any rescue.  After all, if it was possible for him to be rescued, Rodney McKay would have done it within hours, no more than a day.

John had given him a week before leaving the cave for good.  Even so, hope took a long time to fade.

John finally accepted that he would remain in the cloister for the rest of his life.  His friends had sent supplies, but no one came in person.  Obviously, even after months, they had not figured out how to return through the portal.

Then Teer approached him.  She was honorable, but he didn’t share her life’s goal.  They had mutual respect, but joyful wasn’t exactly how he would describe her.  In the end, though, he knew she was the most suitable.  Without hope of returning to the outside world, he settled.

He’d been nervous.  When she first mentioned caring for him, he instinctively moved away.  Not to mention the whole “following him with her mind” business was a little creepy – except for the tactical advantage he could have used.  She invited him to sit with her, and he sat with one leg curled defensively between them.  When she said he was the one to lead them to ascension, he’d felt a moment of relief, covering it with a lie about hoping for something else.  But then she told him what else she’d seen in her mind.  He swallowed uneasily when she said she’d foreseen their sexual encounter, but pasted a smile on his face.  And as she spoke of battles and trust, he reconciled himself to the notion until he didn’t hesitate to respond to her kiss.

He’d followed her lead as she kissed him, responding in kind.  When she pulled away, he took her hand and led them both to the bed.

She wasn’t the person he’d imagined, and it wasn’t the everlasting commitment he’d expected, but it was present, and it was real.  If it wasn’t the meaningful act he’d wanted, it was at least done in caring, affection, and respect.

She took his hesitations for tenderness, smiling gently as she encouraged him and responded to him.  Her touch raised pleasant goose-bumps on his heated skin, and she drew him into a kiss as their bodies joined and moved together.

Afterward, they had lain curled together under the blankets.  She breathed with soft noises in her sleep while John lay awake and staring into the dark.  Hollowness had settled in him, silently grieving the dream he’d sacrificed.  He resolved to make the best of his new world, and determination stilled the ache.

The next morning, he began asking his friends and neighbors the hard questions.  He contrasted the richness of his experience with the lacks of their contemplative life.  He would never share Teer’s dream, but perhaps he could bring her and the others to appreciate his – and someday maybe have that dream in common.

Then his friends arrived.  Teer said they numbered five.

They were in danger.

He’d left Teer and everyone at the table without a backward glance or a second thought.  He ran for his friends, and the distance was great enough for an assortment of emotions to arise – joy that he would finally go home, fear that he would be too late, anger that he’d given up only one day too soon on a dream he’d treasured and could now never regain, and finally frustration that he’d been cooling his heels for six months while they went on with their lives without him.

But for them, it had been only a couple hours.

Home again on Atlantis, John rolled onto his back, setting the postcard on his chest and lacing his fingers over his stomach.  The ceiling was as bland as any, but it didn’t matter because he was still thinking.

He felt torn between guilt that he’d fallen short of his goal and the memory of pleasure.  Even though he was muddled about it now, and even though it hadn’t been the culmination of his hopes, at the time he’d enjoyed the pleasurable experience.  But what did it mean for his future?

He couldn’t miraculously undo it.  He couldn’t return to the – he cringed as his inner voice sneered the word – purity he’d maintained.  If he someday married, he couldn’t bring his bride the unique experience of being his first.

In fact, given the way of life in the Pegasus galaxy, he couldn’t really expect to ever marry.  John took a deep breath to settle the churning in his stomach caused by that thought.  It should have been obvious, of course, but he hadn’t given it serious consideration since before the toss of a coin had sent him on this mission.  Denial was easy when his mind was occupied with the more pressing matter of battling the Wraith.

Finally, he settled into a new resolve that had nothing to do with marriage or commitment.  He sat up and scrawled another sentence beneath the first on his postcard.

There’s no point in waiting any more.



end

Comments

[jic]

Thanks!

I picked it kind of randomly, but in retrospect the barrenness of the feature does seem to suit his mood. My other choice was a camel.

[duskyfox.livejournal.com]

you wrote virgin!John and made it touching and believable; i'm impressed.

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

*hugs John* Very believable.

[jic]

Eee! Thank you.

[jic]

Poor boy; he needs hugs. Thank you!