The Right To Bleed (Post Secret challenge)

[11nine73.livejournal.com]

Title: The Right To Bleed
Author: Helen 11nine73
Summary: Trinity tag in two parts - one from Weir's POV, the other from McKay's. Angsty.
Author Notes: Inspired by cygna_hime's third card in this post and this song. Please note that I've not seen Trinity, but it's what the McKay!Muse demanded. I live but to serve.
Thanks to doylefan22 for the use of her expansion scene.


Sheppard's report is open on my desk. I should read it, I need to read it... But every time I focus on the words I'm reminded about what happened. About what nearly happened; how close it came to the ranking military officer on this base and its chief scientist nearly blown to kingdom come.

It helps if I think about it like that, rather than thinking that John and Rodney nearly died. Even now, hours later, the thought freezes my blood. I don't understand why McKay took that risk, other than to prove he was right. It was the first thing I had to know when he finally turned up in my office, to try and figure this whole mess out.

“I have to question what you do when you put your life and other people’s lives at risk.”

Given the situation, I thought it was a fair statement, but McKay obviously didn't. He'd scowled at me; an incredulous look that suggested I was the one completely off the mark here.

“What are you-”

He could play dumb when he wanted, forcing me to mention the one thing I really hadn't wanted to.

“You destroyed three quarters of a solar system!”

“Well, five sixths, but it’s not an exact science so-”

He'd corrected me. He'd blown up planets and still had the nerve... I'd gotten angry, shouting something at him that I don't remember now. He glared at me even more and then...

Then I'd opted for the cheap shot and thrown his arrogance back in his face.

I groan and sink my face into my hands. I would question what I was thinking of, only I know I hadn't been thinking at all. Frustrated by Rodney and his ability to wind me up, I'd lashed out.

I'd hoped I was a better diplomat than that - I'd overseen a Goa'uld conference for God's sake. But I'd do that again and you could thrown in the Wraith as well before I'd take on Rodney McKay when he thought he was right.

What worries me though, even now, was at the time... at the time I didn't question him. Zelenka expressed concerns, everyone expressed concerns, but when Rodney had said he was sure... I'd believed him.

“No one’s going to think less of you for making a mistake, Rodney,” I'd told him. “Although they might think you’re more human and less superman if you do.”

And therein lay the crux of the problem - actually, I do believe he's Superman. That's what scares me.

Too many times he's come up with an idea - often bizarre, sometimes dangerous – and it's saved us. Somewhere between the shield powered by lightning and the cloaking of the city, I've come to believe he can do anything.

Which he obviously can't because no one person ever could.

And I wonder how much guilt I should shoulder for five sixths of a solar system no longer existing. How much of this is down to me expecting him to be able to do it?

---

I don't think Elizabeth thinks I understand the extent of the situation. How could I not?

Today was the day I got it wrong. Spectacularly so.

I've blown up five sixths of a solar system but oddly, that doesn't bother me that much. What bothers me is the loss of trust. I saw it in Elizabeth's eyes just as surely as I saw it in Sheppard's.

I can't blame them. I don't trust myself right now.

Arrogant and so damned cocksure, I'd almost killed Sheppard. Killed myself along with him but a part of me thinks that maybe I deserved to die.

I don't suppose my attitude to Elizabeth has helped me gain any points with her either. Yet she did try and understand why I did what I did.

“No one’s going to think less of you for making a mistake, Rodney. Although they might think you’re more human and less superman if you do.”

I'm no Superman. I'm not idiotic enough yet to believe I am any type of hero. I do what I can. To save Atlantis, to save myself. I know how shallow I am.

Maybe I have got a hero complex but didn't Superman get it wrong too? He turned the world round the wrong way to save one life. Broke the rules to save someone he cared out. I pushed myself and ignored the warnings to save a whole bunch of people, some of which I care about, some that I don't.

I know I was obsessed. I do that and maybe people should be used to it and know better than to pay attention to me when I get like that.

Maybe I lost focus. No, I know I lost focus. All I could think about was getting the weapon to work, to be save once and for all from the Wraith.

If I could do that, I could sleep soundly.

I got it wrong. I endangered lives. Lost the trust of people who matter to me.

I doubt I'll sleep tonight.