Mission 2006-173 by Rhiannon
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sga_flashficMission 2006-173
Author: Rhiannon
Challenge: Mission Report
Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan, Ronon Dex, Carson Beckett
Pairing: implied Carson/John/Rodney, Ronon/Teyla, ?/?
Summary: One of John’s mission reports after having finally read a new book.
Word Count: 952
Genre: Humor
Warning: Implied het, implied slash, swearing
Rating: R/Mature
Disclaimer: Don’t own, no harm intended, please don’t sue.
Author's Notes: Many thanks to my lovely beta-reader,![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lvs2read.
Mission Report 2006-173
P4M-291
31 July 2006 – 1 August 2006
Lt. Col. John Sheppard, USAF; Dr. Rodney McKay, PhD; Dr. Carson Beckett, MD; Teyla Emmagan, Athosian Guide; Specialist Ronon Dex, Satedan Military
First, I recommend that Dr. Carson Beckett NEVER be allowed off-world again. The man has an uncanny ability to attract trouble. I swear I will shoot him, in the leg, the next time I see him in off-world gear. You have been warned.
At 0830 Atlantis Standard Time (AST) SGA-1 with the addition of Dr. Beckett departed for God-Forsaken Backwater Planet #291. According to Teyla Emmagan at the pre-mission briefing (See 2006-173 Pre-mission Brief for full details) the locals were friendly and reliable trading partners with the Athosians, although she herself had never been to this particular Backwater Planet. She also said they had various plants that were used by the Athosians to treat illness, which is when it was decided that Dr. Beckett would accompany SGA-1 to Backwater Planet. It was at this point I knew the mission would go to Hell. At the time I did not know this would be literal, not figurative.
We arrived at planet Hotter Than Hell in the middle of the local summer. The MALP information regarding the weather conditions was incorrect, and we need to get the damn things fixed. It was not 90 degrees Fahrenheit with 58% relative humidity. The ambient temperature was at least 130 degrees Fahrenheit in the shade, with 107% humidity. Dr. McKay dialed Atlantis and sent the piece of shit MALP back.
The village was approximately 1 km from the Gate. It took us twice as long to walk there as it should have due to Drs. McKay and Beckett bitching and moaning about planet Hotter Than Fuck. Upon arrival in the village I introduced us as Paul Muad’dib, Dr. Liet Kynes, Dr. Wellington Yueh, Alia Atreides, and Stilgar of the town of Arrakeen of Arrakis. The village was the standard Pegasus Galaxy version of a Medieval European village.
I must note at this time that I did not injure, threaten violence, or bitch-slap any member of my team, despite two of them being slow with our aliases. Despite any claims made to the contrary.
We were escorted by the Friendly Locals to meet the obligatory Village Elder in the town hall, which was blissfully cool. The standard Buxom Young Maidens served refreshments consisting of a cool beverage, fresh fruit, and pastries. We were asked to tell about our homeworld. I described the vast seas of sand found here on Arrakis and the giant worms that live in the open desert.
While eating one of said pastries, Dr. McKay proceeded to freak the fuck out because he thought he may have possibly tasted citrus in one bite. The Village Elder assured us that the pastry contained the same fruits that we were served. Dr. Beckett assured Dr. McKay that the fruits were not citrus, and reminded him that not every slightly tart fruit was in the citrus family. Once again I refrained from smacking Dr. McKay on the side of his head with my Clue Stick.
Negotiations proceeded smoothly for once. In exchange for fresh fruit and vegetables, some meat (I won’t even try to figure out what kind of meat it is), grain, and samples of their medicinal herbs we promised to share our wonderful knowledge of advanced sanitation and medicine. Drs. McKay and Beckett worked with their respective equivalents during the afternoon as a down payment for our part of the bargain. I continued to tell stories of our homeworld including how some of us ride the giant sandworms.
After negotiations and the initial exchange of knowledge the Village Elder declared a feast in honor of our new alliance. As you might guess, this included sufficient quantities of alcohol to kill off any weak brain cells. Dr. Beckett said that it was safe for us to consume in limited quantities. After a few drinks Dr. Beckett then challenged the rest of us to a drinking contest. Unfortunately we all agreed. Probably because we all had passed intoxicated three counties back. For the record, Dr. Beckett and Ronon declared a draw after I stopped counting rounds. Also, I will note for the record that Dr. McKay is a cheap date.
What we didn’t know at the time of consumption the beverage included some of the less medicinal herbs known to the locals. No, we didn’t know it was a genuine aphrodisiac until we were all feeling very good. Yes, by very good I do mean very horny. The stuff was Viagra, oysters, and Spanish Fly all rolled into one. I suggest we trade for this stuff and market it on Earth. Atlantis could easily become self-sufficient from the profits.
We were shown to the guest house where the fucking commenced. Lots of fucking. I don’t remember everything that occurred. I do remember positions that would have made the authors of the Kama Sutra proud. I never imagined Dr. McKay was that flexible. I also remember waking up sandwiched between Drs. McKay and Beckett. Naked. All three of us. Teyla and Ronon were occupying the other bed in the room. I am unsure of their exact state of undress.
We returned shortly after breakfast with the first installment of food and hangovers. I recommend that SGA-2 be assigned the next visit to Planet Will Fuck You Up.
On a final note, Reverend Mother Weir, I may have promised a copy of our Sacred Scrolls as a part of our side of the trade agreement.
Submitted 2240 AST
Paul Muad’dib Sheppard
1 August 2006
Attachment: Notification of move to larger quarters.
CC: Dr. Carson Beckett, Dr. Rodney McKay.
Author: Rhiannon
Challenge: Mission Report
Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan, Ronon Dex, Carson Beckett
Pairing: implied Carson/John/Rodney, Ronon/Teyla, ?/?
Summary: One of John’s mission reports after having finally read a new book.
Word Count: 952
Genre: Humor
Warning: Implied het, implied slash, swearing
Rating: R/Mature
Disclaimer: Don’t own, no harm intended, please don’t sue.
Author's Notes: Many thanks to my lovely beta-reader,
lvs2read.Mission Report 2006-173
P4M-291
31 July 2006 – 1 August 2006
Lt. Col. John Sheppard, USAF; Dr. Rodney McKay, PhD; Dr. Carson Beckett, MD; Teyla Emmagan, Athosian Guide; Specialist Ronon Dex, Satedan Military
First, I recommend that Dr. Carson Beckett NEVER be allowed off-world again. The man has an uncanny ability to attract trouble. I swear I will shoot him, in the leg, the next time I see him in off-world gear. You have been warned.
At 0830 Atlantis Standard Time (AST) SGA-1 with the addition of Dr. Beckett departed for God-Forsaken Backwater Planet #291. According to Teyla Emmagan at the pre-mission briefing (See 2006-173 Pre-mission Brief for full details) the locals were friendly and reliable trading partners with the Athosians, although she herself had never been to this particular Backwater Planet. She also said they had various plants that were used by the Athosians to treat illness, which is when it was decided that Dr. Beckett would accompany SGA-1 to Backwater Planet. It was at this point I knew the mission would go to Hell. At the time I did not know this would be literal, not figurative.
We arrived at planet Hotter Than Hell in the middle of the local summer. The MALP information regarding the weather conditions was incorrect, and we need to get the damn things fixed. It was not 90 degrees Fahrenheit with 58% relative humidity. The ambient temperature was at least 130 degrees Fahrenheit in the shade, with 107% humidity. Dr. McKay dialed Atlantis and sent the piece of shit MALP back.
The village was approximately 1 km from the Gate. It took us twice as long to walk there as it should have due to Drs. McKay and Beckett bitching and moaning about planet Hotter Than Fuck. Upon arrival in the village I introduced us as Paul Muad’dib, Dr. Liet Kynes, Dr. Wellington Yueh, Alia Atreides, and Stilgar of the town of Arrakeen of Arrakis. The village was the standard Pegasus Galaxy version of a Medieval European village.
I must note at this time that I did not injure, threaten violence, or bitch-slap any member of my team, despite two of them being slow with our aliases. Despite any claims made to the contrary.
We were escorted by the Friendly Locals to meet the obligatory Village Elder in the town hall, which was blissfully cool. The standard Buxom Young Maidens served refreshments consisting of a cool beverage, fresh fruit, and pastries. We were asked to tell about our homeworld. I described the vast seas of sand found here on Arrakis and the giant worms that live in the open desert.
While eating one of said pastries, Dr. McKay proceeded to freak the fuck out because he thought he may have possibly tasted citrus in one bite. The Village Elder assured us that the pastry contained the same fruits that we were served. Dr. Beckett assured Dr. McKay that the fruits were not citrus, and reminded him that not every slightly tart fruit was in the citrus family. Once again I refrained from smacking Dr. McKay on the side of his head with my Clue Stick.
Negotiations proceeded smoothly for once. In exchange for fresh fruit and vegetables, some meat (I won’t even try to figure out what kind of meat it is), grain, and samples of their medicinal herbs we promised to share our wonderful knowledge of advanced sanitation and medicine. Drs. McKay and Beckett worked with their respective equivalents during the afternoon as a down payment for our part of the bargain. I continued to tell stories of our homeworld including how some of us ride the giant sandworms.
After negotiations and the initial exchange of knowledge the Village Elder declared a feast in honor of our new alliance. As you might guess, this included sufficient quantities of alcohol to kill off any weak brain cells. Dr. Beckett said that it was safe for us to consume in limited quantities. After a few drinks Dr. Beckett then challenged the rest of us to a drinking contest. Unfortunately we all agreed. Probably because we all had passed intoxicated three counties back. For the record, Dr. Beckett and Ronon declared a draw after I stopped counting rounds. Also, I will note for the record that Dr. McKay is a cheap date.
What we didn’t know at the time of consumption the beverage included some of the less medicinal herbs known to the locals. No, we didn’t know it was a genuine aphrodisiac until we were all feeling very good. Yes, by very good I do mean very horny. The stuff was Viagra, oysters, and Spanish Fly all rolled into one. I suggest we trade for this stuff and market it on Earth. Atlantis could easily become self-sufficient from the profits.
We were shown to the guest house where the fucking commenced. Lots of fucking. I don’t remember everything that occurred. I do remember positions that would have made the authors of the Kama Sutra proud. I never imagined Dr. McKay was that flexible. I also remember waking up sandwiched between Drs. McKay and Beckett. Naked. All three of us. Teyla and Ronon were occupying the other bed in the room. I am unsure of their exact state of undress.
We returned shortly after breakfast with the first installment of food and hangovers. I recommend that SGA-2 be assigned the next visit to Planet Will Fuck You Up.
On a final note, Reverend Mother Weir, I may have promised a copy of our Sacred Scrolls as a part of our side of the trade agreement.
Submitted 2240 AST
Paul Muad’dib Sheppard
1 August 2006
Attachment: Notification of move to larger quarters.
CC: Dr. Carson Beckett, Dr. Rodney McKay.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-22 11:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-22 11:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-22 11:21 pm (UTC)Upon arrival in the village I introduced us as Paul Muad’dib, Dr. Liet Kynes, Dr. Wellington Yueh, Alia Atreides, and Stilgar of the town of Arrakeen of Arrakis.
And here was the point where the really loud snickering started. *griiiiiiiiiin*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-22 11:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-22 11:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-22 11:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-22 11:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 06:48 am (UTC)If only we could read all of John's first draft mission reports...
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 12:06 am (UTC)Too many hilarious lines to quote and I can imagine Sheppard furiously writing something like this before composing the carefully sanitized version that goes to Weir and the SGC, but mostly I'm still giggling over 'Reverend Mother Weir'.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 06:55 am (UTC)He probably told a story about the powerful woman who was the leader of Arrakeen, er, Atlantis. Always happy to provide giggles. Thanks for reading and commenting.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 12:52 am (UTC)Very amusing.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 07:10 am (UTC)I have this image of him having to write out the sayings at the beginning of each chapter of Dune to make good on his promise of the Sacred Scrolls...
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 01:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 07:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 01:03 am (UTC)At this point, I started laughing out loud with tears in my eyes:
Dr. McKay dialed Atlantis and sent the piece of shit MALP back.
and didn't stop.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 07:13 am (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 01:35 am (UTC)Love it!
More?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 07:15 am (UTC)There could be the sanitized version of this mission in the works...
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 02:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 07:19 am (UTC)John was writing exactly what he thought, right before hitting "Delete".
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 02:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 08:27 am (UTC)Thanks for commenting!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 02:55 am (UTC)That was the point that I almost snarfed coffee onto the monitor. I really should get the thing liquid-proofed! :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 08:36 am (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 04:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 09:06 am (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 04:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 09:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 06:37 am (UTC)Also: cute.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 09:10 am (UTC)Thanks for reading and commenting.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 11:58 am (UTC)The aliases sounded familiar but things didn't click until I read
I described the vast seas of sand found here on Arrakis and the giant worms that live in the open desert.
at which point I screamed out "OH MY GOD THAT'S DUNE"
I'm still crying from laughing so hard
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-24 06:19 am (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it and that it did click what John's newest reading material was. Thanks for commenting.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-23 12:17 pm (UTC)Well done, and v.v. funny....
(um, but now I'm thinking of Wraith as an anorexic branch of Harkonnens...)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-24 06:25 am (UTC)Poor Chuck, having to sift through reports like this one and making them safe to send back to Earth, although I'm sure he cringes every time he receives one from SGA-1.
(Hmm...the Wraith might be Sardukar...*ponders*)
I have to love this....
Date: 2006-08-23 08:21 pm (UTC)Dear Pegasus Galaxy,
E-Fucking-Nough with the Bullshit already.
No luv,
Sheppard, John, Lt.C., U.S.A.F. M.O.U.S.E.
p.s. Bite me.
Re: I have to love this....
Date: 2006-08-24 06:36 am (UTC)Thanks for commenting!
Re: I have to love this....
From:Re: I have to love this....
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-24 02:51 am (UTC)Very nifty fic.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-24 06:45 am (UTC)Hmm, the Baron could be Koyla, with the Genii in general as the Harkonnens. Once Carson finally reads Dune he's going to be pissed about being Dr. Yueh.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for commenting.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-24 12:17 pm (UTC)*points at things like a lunatic*
LOVE. (*takes icon for a walk*)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 02:11 am (UTC)My work here is done, I have rendered a reader utterly speechless. Hee!
*looks innocent, points* This icon?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 12:42 am (UTC)Submitted 2240 AST
Paul Muad’dib Sheppard
1 August 2006
Was my favorite part. Paul Muad'dib Sheppard! The absurdity just collesced into a great big ball of "Oh, John.."
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-25 02:29 am (UTC)Thanks for commenting!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-27 03:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-09 11:49 am (UTC)Thanks for reading, and sorry about the slow reply. *mutters about real life*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-29 10:24 pm (UTC)It's not hard to picture John writing the first draft down exactly this way but the icing on the cake is the Attachment. This was a hoot. Thanks.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-09 12:38 pm (UTC)John's first first draft:
Same shit, different planet.
The attachment was a bit of last-minute crack. Since I went there, I really had to go all the way. *grin*
Thanks for commenting, I'm glad you enjoyed it! (And sorry this reply is rather late. *shakes fist at real life*)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-02 07:24 am (UTC)That is all I can say
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-02 07:26 am (UTC)BTW, I adore all of your 'Gate Icons.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-03 07:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-11 06:37 am (UTC)Thanks for commenting! Sorry my reply is late.