Waiting, By Exploded Pen [Ways to Die Challenge]

[explodedpen.livejournal.com]

Title: Waiting
Author: explodedpen 
Word Count: 422
Category: Angst, dark
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothing at all, Stargate Atlantis and all its characters belong to someone else far richer than me :)
Summary: His breathing seemed to echo round the small space. A harsh, ragged intake and release. With each breath becoming less certain he should even bother to take another.
A/N: First time I've ever attempted answering a challenge on here. Hope you enjoy :)

His breathing seemed to echo round the small space, a harsh, ragged intake and release. And with each breath becoming less certain he should even bother to take another.

"Do not blame yourself," a soft, gentle voice broke into his thoughts. Teyla. "It was not your fault. You must believe that."

"I couldn't... I couldn't get there in time. If I'd been faster - "

"There was nothing you could have done."

"He was screaming for us, Teyla." He shivered, remembering that last desperate look before Rodney's eyes closed. Remembering the last moments before they could reach him and knowing all the while that they - he - hadn't been good enough, that the man draped painfully over Ronon's shoulder would in all likelihood be dead before they could even reach the 'jumper. "There were too many..."

Thousands of them, springing out from nowhere and using their own P90s against them. Natives with a deadly aim that fired till the chamber of the P90’s were empty, then with surprising efficiency reloaded the weapon and continued firing. Ronon with Rodney over his shoulder presenting a nice big target. He remembers with absolute clarity the moment three bullets found their mark. He remembers how Ronon gasped and stubbornly kept moving with a guttural cry before another round of bullets hit and the big man finally went down, Rodney stiffly rolling off his shoulder. He doesn't remember much else till they reached the 'jumper, only Teyla's strained voice yelling at him to keep moving, with slender fingers clutching and dragging on his tac vest. "I shouldn't have left them behind."

"There was no time to take them, you know that." A soft sigh. "They were already dead. They would not have wished for us to risk our lives by saving corpses."

John didn't answer, his eyes trained on the floor. He risked a glance round the broken puddlejumper. Lifeless, dark, the console obliterated by bullets - how had the natives even found the 'jumper?

"It is likely they saw us arrive."

John nodded numbly. His arms ached but he refused to move them. He let his eyes drift shut.

"Do not fall asleep, you must stay awake. Atlantis will come for us."

His eyes opened and he finally let himself look at Teyla's body, wrapped tightly in his arms. He doesn't even remember how she died; he only remembers that when he tried to wake her up she was already cold. "Can't tell me what to do," he murmured.

His eyes closed. Silence filled the broken 'jumper.

Comments

[goddess47]

::sniffle::

[explodedpen.livejournal.com]

aww *hands over a tissue* The good kind of sniffle I hope? lol thanks :)

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

Double sniffle :(

[explodedpen.livejournal.com]

*hands over another tissue, peers in box* I'm gonna need more tissues at this rate :) Thanks :) Hoping the sniffles mean you guys liked it!

[aislinnrae.livejournal.com]

That was quite good. I'd have a little cry, but there are people in the next room who'll hear me. I really liked the way things played out, how we find out what happened through John's sort of broken view. He would blame himself, though, wouldn't he.

At first I thought it was just Rodney who'd died, which is honestly bad enough, 'cause I love Rodney, but then you went and killed Ronon, and I was like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", and then kept reading 'cause only a prat would stop there.

And by the end, Teyla was gone too. I especially liked this: [He doesn't even remember how she died; he only remembers that when he tried to wake her up she was already cold. "Can't tell me what to do," he murmured.] That was overwhelming. I like how Teyla was the 'voice of reason', so to speak. I also like how they all died, together. At least that's what I am - quite happily - assuming happened. It's oddly comforting.

The most depressing line, for me, however, was: ["Do not fall asleep, you must stay awake. Atlantis will come for us."] It just made me wish I could have a good long sniffle over it. I don't know why, might be that little slice of hope, or the fact that, if I were John in that situation, I would wish they wouldn't come at all.

There's one thing bothering me though. It's Teyla's first line: ["Don't blame yourself,"(...)"It wasn't your fault. You must believe that."] --> The 'Don't' and the 'wasn't' should be 'do not' and 'was not', at least in Teyla-speak. I'm so used to reading Teyla-speak now, that it really stuck out, but after that you got her voice down quite well.

I really did like this. It was lovely. Much love ^^

[explodedpen.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! Eeek shall edit that first line immediately! (Once I find the edit button lol) hee hee thanks again for the comments!

[hajimebassaidai.livejournal.com]

So vivid and so coldly compelling!

[explodedpen.livejournal.com]

Thanks :D