For Reasons Not Worth Going Into by slybrarian (amnesty 2007, backstory)

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Title: For Reasons Not Worth Going Into (Backstory Challenge)
Author: slybrarian
Rating: PG
Pairing: Gen
Characters: Chuck, Col. Dixon
Words: 1173
Series: Dramatic Exit
Notes: Apparently, I can't stop writing flashfic. Luckily there's no limit, right?

Summary: "So what you're saying," Sheppard said, "is that you're here for reasons..." Chuck cut him off. "Please don't say it, sir."

Chuck stared at the smoking pile of rubble where his house had once been. There was debris scattered all over the place, and a long trail of dirt leading up to the building made him suspect that a plane had skidded across the yard and plowed right into the building. He sighed, turned off his car, and got out to check for survivors, shaking his head as he went.

"At least I have insurance," he muttered to himself. He supposed he should be glad he hadn't been home, but couldn't quite make the effort to do so. It figured that something like this would happen barely a week after moving in. He'd only just been transferred from a cyber-crimes unit to this rural detachment. Technically it was a promotion to a supervisory position, and it was shear coincidence that it put him safely out of the way after he found evidence that resulted in a minister's son being arrested for hacking.

"Hello? Anyone in there?" he called out, but there wasn't any reply. Walking around he spotted a trail through the snow that led towards the trees, and when he got closer he could see that there was a line of blood as well. It looked like someone had been dragging themselves away from the crash, although he couldn't think of a reason why they'd head that direction. Chuck was about to call for help and follow the tracks when he suddenly realized that there was a moose standing where the trail met the tree line.

Chuck scratched his head as he stared at it, and it stared back. In his opinion, it was definitely aiming a rather malevolent glare at him, although surely that couldn't be right. Then again, maybe it was normal for moose to intently stare at people. He didn't have a clue - he'd lived in Toronto his entire life, and moose behavior hadn't been covered by his computer science degree. Then the moose's eyes flashed, and Chuck had to say, "Okay, that's a bit odd, I think."

The moose's eyes flashed again, and it started to prance over in his direction. That definitely didn't seem like a good sign, so Chuck started to back away while drawing his service pistol. Before he could try driving it off with a warning shot, though, there was a sudden burst of gunfire and the side of the moose seemed to explode in a haze of blood and gore. Dumbfounded, Chuck turned left to see a man running across the yard and waving a submachine gun.

"Yee-ha!" the man crowed as he ran. He came to a stop a few meters from the corpse, and from there proceeded to empty his clip into the moose, splattering its head and neck all over the snow. "Take that, you slippery son of a bitch!"

Chuck stared at the madman as he ambled towards him with a manic grin. When he stuck out his hand, Chuck took it instinctively. After all, it wouldn't do to be impolite.

"Colonel Dixon, United States Marine Corp. Pleased to meet ya." Chuck looked him over incredulously. The man was wearing some kind of camo uniform, true, with various patches that looked authentic enough. Still, anyone could buy those, and he was pretty sure he'd have heard if there were marines running killing moose in his area. Especially American marines.

Remembering his manners, he said, "Sergeant Chuck Fraser, RCMP. Uh, would you mind telling me why you just-"

"Oh, hey, a Mountie!" Dixon said, cutting him off. "That's cool. Why aren't you wearing one of those red uniforms?"

Chuck blinked. "I do, sometimes."

"Huh. Hey, do you have a horse, too?"

"Yes. Yes, I do," Chuck said slowly. He held up a finger, and asked, "Could you excuse me for a minute, sir?"

Dixon nodded, and as Chuck walked back to his car he could have sworn the man was doing a gleeful little dance. He shook his head, pulled out his phone, and dialed his detachment.

"Constable? It's Sergeant Fraser. I need backup out at my place." He paused as he listened to the man at the other end, and said, "Yes, that smoke is from here. Someone crashed a plane into my house. Yes. Into my house. That's not important, there's a crazy American with a P-90 here who just killed a moose. Yes. With a submachine gun. Look, just send someone out."

He closed his phone and opened up his car door to retrieve a pair of handcuffs. That done, he returned to Dixon, coming up quietly behind the 'marine' and listening to what he was saying.

"What kind of lame-ass alien overlord lives in a moose?"

Alien overlord? Well, that certainly settled that, as far as Chuck was concerned. Dixon didn't even notice as Chuck slipped up behind him. Chuck smoothly pulled Dixon's arms backed and latched the cuffs around his wrists, while saying, "Sir, I'm going to have to place you under arrest."

Chuck snagged Dixon's sidearm even as the marine twisted around and stared at him, which let Chuck smoothly detach his P-90 as well and toss it to a safe distance. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"You're under arrest, sir," Chuck reiterated. He wondered if all American marines were this loud and dense, or only crazy fake ones.

"I just saved your sorry Canadian ass from a snake!"

"That was a moose, sir," Chuck explained patiently. "Which you shot with an illegal automatic weapon. Also, I think you blew up my house."

"No, see, that moose had a snake inside it. And if anything blew up, it's the snake's fault, too." Dixon paused. "At least I don't remember blowing anything up. Sometimes I forget."

"Of course, sir," Chuck said, deciding it was best to humor him until he could be safely put into a padded room. "I'm sure it was a very evil snake-moose."

"Hell yeah it - hey, are you patronizing me? I'm not going to let Dudley Do-right make fun of me." Dixon started to take a step forward, slipped on the snow, tried to flail but couldn't thanks to the cuffs, and ended up face-down in the snow. He sighed and muttered, "This shit never happens to SG-1."

A few minutes later, Chuck's backup arrived, just as more 'marines' started to emerge from the trees. None of them had any ID or permits for their weapons, so Chuck had them all arrested, too. Over the next few hours, there was a great deal of yelling, and by the end Chuck had discovered his prisoners really were American marines (plus a civilian engineer), and that the moose had, in fact, been an alien overlord named Ometochli. That was slightly embarrassing, although everyone assured him that no one blamed him for making that mistake. He still wasn't surprised when two months later, after it turned out he had some alien gene, he received a polite but firm suggestion that he volunteer for the Atlantis expedition.

Comments

[scifinut.livejournal.com]

"This shit never happens to SG-1."

BEST! LINE! EVAR!

Well done, Sly, but next time warn me when it's posted, kay? I like to know this stuff...it's good to read.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

I will make sure to poke you repeatedly next time.

[kyrdwyn.livejournal.com]

Poor chuck. Evil snake-moose and Colonel Dixon. Just not a good day for our intrepid mountie.....

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

It is rather cruel to make him deal with both at once. He'd much rather be sitting in front of a computer in a city.

[rhianona]

Brilliant.
I love how calm Chuck is.
Also, snakehead in a moose? Funniest thing ever.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

The Tau'ri would have payed dearly for forcing a god to take such a host, oh yes. Even if it did have such strong and majestic antlers.

[malnpudl.livejournal.com]

*DIES*

You win at EVERYTHING!

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

I do? Hurrah!

[egiggle.livejournal.com]

Snake in a moose! There are no smileys to express my glee! *pats Chuck*

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

He deserves to be patted after this.

[teenygozer.livejournal.com]

::nods::

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it happened.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Indeed.

[audaxfemina.livejournal.com]

I so totally can't stop laughing my ass off. The images are just so wonderful.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

BTW, I might have found your moose. Here. (http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/12/21/funny-pictures-licence-and-resgistraion/)

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's exactly the kind of evil and belligerent moose I was thinking of. Thanks for reading!

[wingwyrm.livejournal.com]

ROTFLMAO

That was friggin' AWESOME

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Anything with Chuck is awesome by default. Also, so is your icon.

[quasar273.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is great! Absolutely hilarious. It reads like the pilot episode of a new Stargate spinoff. Am I remembering right, is Col. Dixon the one who was played by Adam Baldwin? Because the characterization here was definitely reminding me of Jayne, and that just makes it better.

Now I really do want to see the scene where Chuck explains all this (front-to-back and inside-out, of course) to Sheppard.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Perhaps, someday. It's not exactly the sort of thing that comes up very often, really. And yes, Col. Dixon is the one played by Baldwin. If you like this characterization, you should try to dig up the SG-15 fics. It's got him, Martouf, Sheppard, and McKay. And grenades. Down the pants.

[rogue-planet.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Poor, poor Chuck. Does the full story take exactly two hours (with commercials) to tell?

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

More or less, yes. How did you guess?

[silver_galaxy]

OMG that was so funny! Great story :)

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading and commenting.

[hazelhawthorne.livejournal.com]

"What kind of lame-ass alien overlord lives in a moose?"

*hee*

"I just saved your sorry Canadian ass from a snake!"

"That was a moose, sir,"

*roflmao*

&hearts

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

*grin* Glad you like it.

[korilian.livejournal.com]

DIXON!!! Whee! And pure Chuck. Getting transferred to the middle of nowhere because he did his job. That could totally happen! (I've seen Due South). Seriously though, as far as I'm concerned this is canon until they proof you wrong.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

The way I figure, every show is better with a Mountie. Especially crackish shows.

[tarlanx]

LOL! Good one :-)

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[leesa_perrie]

LOL!! Very funny! Oh, poor Chuck!!

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Poor Chuck indeed. I hope they pay him well.

[dessert-first.livejournal.com]

Bahahahaha!! Hilarious. Dixon *and* an evil snake-moose! You win.

"Oh, hey, a Mountie!" Dixon said, cutting him off. "That's cool. Why aren't you wearing one of those red uniforms?"

Chuck blinked. "I do, sometimes."

"Huh. Hey, do you have a horse, too?"

"Yes. Yes, I do," Chuck said slowly. He held up a finger, and asked, "Could you excuse me for a minute, sir?"

Dixon nodded, and as Chuck walked back to his car he could have sworn the man was doing a gleeful little dance. He shook his head, pulled out his phone, and dialed his detachment.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Oh, Chuck. You are made of awesome.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

He is, isn't he? Always calm and collected, even when people are turning into bugs or the city is lost in space or someone just crashed a tel'tac into his house.

For Reasons Not Worth Going Into STORY

[maxinemayer.livejournal.com]

Awesome story - really funny! Love dS so I appreciate the Mountie angle! And that moose audaxfemina pointed us to - scary frackin' moose! Cripes! Loved this! Thanks for sharing and happy holidays! Love, max

Re: For Reasons Not Worth Going Into STORY

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Moose are scary creatures, even without Aztec gods inside them. Glad you liked it.

[rinsbane.livejournal.com]

*snort* Oh, Chuck. This is peachy.

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *grin*

[dr-dredd.livejournal.com]

Chuck had discovered his prisoners really were American marines (plus a civilian engineer), and that the moose had, in fact, been an alien overlord named Ometochli. That was slightly embarrassing, although everyone assured him that no one blamed him for making that mistake.

Too awesome! And I'm sure Chuck reacted with perfect aplomb when they broke that bombshell.

And, of course, there's: "What kind of lame-ass alien overlord lives in a moose?" :-)

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Chuck was quite calm, although he still couldn't understand why having aliens crashing into Canada meant that Americans could tramp around without going through customs first.

[soapbox-solo38.livejournal.com]

I have a sudden urge to write Chuck&Horse fic. o.0

Lovely story! ^^

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Chuck, alas, does not really have a horse. He's not big on the entire animal thing. Jumpers are good, though. (Except Jumper 8. It ran into a tree on purpose when he was flying it.)

[sholio]

That was awesome! A Goa'uld in a moose! And I can certainly see how the local law enforcement officials would be less than happy about a bunch of Americans showing up with machine guns claiming to be chasing aliens. *g* "This shit never happens to SG-1." Loved it!

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

A snake on a tel'tac! Then in a moose! *grin*

[delphia2000.livejournal.com]

Here on friendshipper's rec in the stargategenrec community. Wonderfully fun read with some great lines (that I wish I'd written!) and terrific characterizations. Anything with Dave just adds icing to the cake. Having been on the receiving end of moose glares, I can feel for poor Chuck.

Might want to mention that some of the SG15 stories are still available in the sg_15 community here on LJ. Not that I'm pimping my own stuff or anything. :oD

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Wait, rec? Sweet! And by all means, pimp away.

[tringasolitaria.livejournal.com]

Oh *screams with laughter* this is so great. :) Thank you. :D

Although, it's probably bad that I was actually picturing Benton Fraser in the story instead of Chuck, huh? Sorry!

Still very very awesome. The Stargate PTB missed a golden opportunity by not grabbing onto Adam Baldwin when they had him. I loved Colonel Dixon!

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm. *eyes Fraser* You know, my knowledge of DS canon is a bit shaky, but given that he had a sister pop up...

*contemplates the idea of Fraser searching for his missing cousin who disappeared after his home mysteriously blew up*

[with-apostrophe.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness! You had me laughing from the get go and I basically didn't stop laughing until the end. In fact - yes - I'm still giggling!

Chuck and Dixon (who everyone writes as Jayne, because it's just so right!)> Brilliant!

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it so much!

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Chuck had discovered his prisoners really were American marines (plus a civilian engineer), and that the moose had, in fact, been an alien overlord named Ometochli. That was slightly embarrassing, although everyone assured him that no one blamed him for making that mistake.

I love this! We don't really see enough of Dixon. Of course he gets the wacky missions!

Well, at least Chuck has some idea what he's getting into!

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Well, with the wacky missions, I think cause and effect is mixed up there. Strictly speaking, chasing down a crashed Goa'uld shouldn't have been wacky, and yet, there they were.