Running Up That Hill by Claire - Darkness challenge

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Title: Running Up That Hill
Author: Claire
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG

Summary: And if I only could make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places...

ETA: Spoilers for the end of The Siege, part 2. Apologies for not putting them in originally.

Running Up That Hill
By Claire

So long, Rodney.

Rodney McKay wants John Sheppard to be standing in the Control Room when he runs in. He wants him to be in the middle of it all, shouting orders and surrounded by the last remaining people ready to take a stand to save Atlantis.

So long, Rodney.

He wants to not see the look in Elizabeth's eyes when he realises John isn't there, all despair and hopelessness, like it's already over, like they've already lost. He wants to not hear Zelenka's deadened tone as he reports more and more Wraith transporting into the city; as he reports more and more of their own people disappearing.

So long, Rodney.

He wants to blame Elizabeth, wants to rage against someone, anyone. Even if he knows it's not her fault, knows that nothing would have kept John from going up in that Jumper. He wants to scream how it's not fair, how the universe has no right to take John from him so soon after Rodney got him.

So long, Rodney.

He wants to take his eyes off the screen in front of him, doesn't want to see the single blue dot getting inexorably closer to its goal, but he can't. The screen is cool under his fingertips as he traces the path the Jumper is taking, unable to move his hand away, even as John's journey is burned into his skin for all eternity.

So long, Rodney.

He wants to be able to do something, anything, other than remember the way John tasted this morning, all desperation and need and mint. He wants the last words they said to each other to be something more than what they were. More than anything he wants the one time he'd told John he loved him to have not been when he was sure Sheppard was asleep, words whispered into the darkness as though the blackness would mask their meaning. He wants to not feel the ghost of John's fingers against his skin, taunting him, and he wants the touch to be seared into his soul, an unforgettable brand.

So long, Rodney.

He wants to be there with John, tumbling towards light and heat and atoms scattered across the galaxy they're going to die for. He wants the Wraith to have never woken, wants the expedition to still be in blissful ignorance and playing with Ancient technology. He wants to be back on Earth, with a neighbour who thinks he's a nerdy creep and a cat that demands the pillow at night. He wants to have never heard of the Stargate programme, to have taken the teaching position offered to him by the University of Toronto and know nothing more than what it is to correct idiot students on the difference between hadrons and baryons.

So long, Rodney.

He wants to have met John in a bar somewhere, instead of in an alien Antarctic outpost. He wants to have had great sex and the concerns over what to watch on TV, instead of great sex and the concerns over whether they were going to be killed by a giant psychic vampire Marilyn Manson wannabe.

So long, Rodney.

He wants John to be with him. He doesn't care where so long they're there together.

So long, Rodney.

He wants...

So long, Rodney.

And then the dot is gone, and Rodney doesn't want anything any more.

End

Comments

[alyse]

Ouch. But ouch in a very good, very lyrical and very powerful way.

Still... ouch.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks, luv :-)

[barkeep.livejournal.com]

::meep::
You really captured the desperation and resignation of the moment.
Lovely and sad!

and he wants to the touch to be seared into his soul, an unforgettable brand.
But maybe a wee typo there - I think there's an extra 'to'.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

I was writing it thinking 'Rodney will hate me, he'll never speak to me again'.

But maybe a wee typo there - I think there's an extra 'to'.

Eep!

*goes to change*

Thank you :-D

[claire.livejournal.com]

Sad! But good. I liked it. Thank you for sharing.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you liked :-D

[kalikahuntress.livejournal.com]

Ack, sad but very good, makes me want July 15 to be here now instead of later. Here's hoping TPTB give us some good McShep interaction( as spoilers would indicate).

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Indeed. In fact, if tptb are very kind to us they'll give us the kind of McShep interaction that involves whipped cream and a blindfold ;-)

[amezri.livejournal.com]

*sniffle* Definitely had me hurting right along side Rodney. The writing is very poetic; I loved it.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Although Rodney's still not speaking to me for putting him through that *g*

[akire-yta.livejournal.com]

ouch....that last line was like a twist of the dagger. Very beautiful but achingly so.

*applauds*

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks :-D Of course, now I'm feeling really guilty and thinking I'll have to make it up to the boys by letting them have all sorts of wild sex ;-)

[genaschuyler.livejournal.com]

he wants the touch to be seared into his soul, an unforgettable brand

Eep! I like. I really like!

Clearly, the beginning of next season must be John getting rescued by the Daedalus and then running to Rodney and never letting go. :Nods:

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

*nods along with you*

Absolutely. Here's hoping the Daedalus has a large supply of lube in its cargo hold ;-)

[ilexa.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's... that's beautiful and angsty and heartbroken and resigned and ... really beautiful.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And I always said I was going to try keep the angst in this fandom to a minimum. Oh well *shrugs*

[hinokumo.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow... and ow that hurts. You've nailed that moment in the control room where he gets that look on his face when he finds out it's John in the jumper. Visceral, but very beautiful.

...so now the Daedalus hails Atlantis and says "We got him" right? *sniffles* I need season 2.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

I think it's moments like that one that affirm that DH isn't just a good actually, he's a f'ing *great* actor. He puts so much in to that one look, it just leaves you heartbroken for him.

[ship-recs.livejournal.com]

That's really nice, but so sad.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked :-D

[itsthewa.livejournal.com]

Excellent stuff! Poignant and well-written. Thank you!!!!

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Now I've just got to coax Rodney out from under the bed where he's hiding John and threatening to never let me play with either of them again *grin*

[spikedluv]

And then the dot is gone, and Rodney doesn't want anything any more.

Oh man. Ow. Perfect capture of the emotions and turmoil of those moments at the end of Siege 2.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

At the end of Seige2, I just wanted John to hug Rodney and never let go.

[g_shadowslayer]

*whimper*

Wonderfully done!

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks :-)

And I promise that John's okay and he and Rodney are going to have great sex after this *g*

[theseashore.livejournal.com]

Very lyrical, very beautiful. Lovely.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed :-D

[tafkarfanfic.livejournal.com]

This evoked for me a Shep/Rodney vid done by danvers to "Running Up That Hill". Have you seen it? If not, but her for it - my fave Shep/Rodney vid ever.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I haven't. Thanks!

*heads off to look*

[carolyn-claire.livejournal.com]

It was so easy to connect with Rodney, in this, and empathize with him. Terrific voice, and very moving. Great job.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks :-D There were a couple of things in there that I took out because they just sounded wrong, so I'm really glad you thought the voice was okay :-D

[indybrat.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Poor Rodney. This was so sad and yet sweet and beautiful at the same time.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks :-D

And I promise I'm making it up to Rodney by letting him and John have wild sex ;-)

[tinny]

Ugh. Tragic and good.

You might have wanted to attach a spoiler warning to the story, though. ;/

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Sorry about the spoiler thing. I realise it's not much good now, but I've attached one on. Sorry again :-(

[trobadora]

So beautiful. Heartbreaking, but beautiful. The last line is especially haunting.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks :-D The last line actually went through about six incarnations before it settled on that one, so I'm really pleased it works :-)

[misspamela.livejournal.com]

Oooh, ouch. Beautiful and sad. That last line killed me.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks :-D (Although I still feeling guilty for putting poor Rodney through that *g*)

[zoerayne]

Ouch. Just...ouch.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Rodney is saying I now have to write lots of hot sex between him and John to make up for the angst *g*

[wickedwords.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was cool. very ressonant. thanks.

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm now thinking I should write fluff to make up for it *grin*