Galaxy of the Living Dead by Karen McFadyyon - Amnesty Challenge

[ex-danvers514.livejournal.com]

Challenge: Culture Clash
Title: Galaxy of the Living Dead
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: John/Rodney
Author: Karen McFadyyon
Summary: John and Rodney's experience with a new culture leaves them feeling a little different.
Notes: Posting for Karen again. Feedback here or at karenmcfadyyon@yahoo.com.

Enjoy - it's very funny ;-)

Galaxy of the Living Dead

Life in the Pegasus galaxy was certainly stranger than fiction and frequently more tragic. Casualties were always hard for any doctor, and Carson Beckett was no exception. It was even worse when the casualties were friends.

Sore at heart, and trying hard to remain detached enough to do his job, Carson Beckett entered the morgue and looked sadly at the sheet covered bodies of Rodney McKay and John Sheppard.

He was never sure later if he was grateful or horrified when the late Dr. Rodney McKay sat bolt upright on the autopsy table and said, "What the hell? Where are my clothes?"

Carson's jaw dropped and his heart did a trip-hammer sort of Highland fling before he gathered his scattered wits, only to go through the whole fright again when the allegedly late Lt. Colonel John Sheppard sat up likewise and gave him a perplexed look. "It's cold in here, Jesus, don't we at least get scrubs?"

Thankfully for Carson's health and sanity, Dr. Biro chose that moment to enter the room and said, bewildered, "I thought they were dead, Dr. Beckett."

Thank God, he wasn't imagining this, Carson thought and stepped over to Rodney.

"Dead?" Rodney snapped. "Do I look dead?" He swung his legs over the side of the table and scowled at Carson. "Seriously, what the hell is the deal, where are my clothes, and this table is cold."

"Rodney," Carson said helplessly and looked at Sheppard.

Dr. Biro shook her head. "No, you look pretty much alive, Dr. McKay, but I could have sworn they brought you in here in a body bag."

"Jesus," Rodney said, appalled. "A body bag? Where is the Air Force or Marine Corps training these people, Colonel? Don't they know the difference between a body bag and a stretcher?"

"Hey, don't blame me," Sheppard said and pulled the sheet back up over certain significant body parts. "Hey, I know you're both doctors, but I'd really like some pants, please."

Carson made a strangled sound and closed his eyes.

It didn't help.

When he opened them again, Rodney and Sheppard were still regarding him with varying degrees of annoyance, embarrassment, and confusion. He keyed his radio. "Elizabeth," he said weakly, "I think you'd better put off planning that memorial service and come down here right now."

"What?" Elizabeth demanded. "Carson, what are you talking about?"

"Apparently, they're not dead," Carson said and winced when the connection was broken. He assumed that meant Elizabeth was on her way down.

"Pants?" Sheppard repeated and eyed Biro warily. "I'm not dead, either, Dr. Biro."

Biro ignored this and advanced on him.

Rodney looked around and frowned. "Carson, this is the morgue."

"Yes, it is," Carson said faintly. "I need a drink. And you need pants. Uh. Yes. Pants. Don't move."

"Wait a minute, what are we doing in the morgue?" Sheppard demanded. "I'm not dead. He's not dead. Hey, that's cold," he told Biro, who had a fascinated look on her face and a stethoscope on Sheppard's chest. "Really, doc, very cold."

"No heartbeat," Biro pronounced, her tone gleeful. "Although you're breathing, because otherwise you wouldn't be able to speak."

"No heartbeat?" Rodney repeated, alarmed. "Wait, wait, wait, that's impossible!"

"No heartbeat?" Sheppard scowled. "Something's wrong with your stethoscope, Doc, I'm obviously alive."

"This is fascinating," Biro said and put the stethoscope against Sheppard's chest again. "No heartbeat, but he's breathing."

Carson regretted that he'd traded the last of his Scotch to Caldwell.

"Dr. Biro," he said, "Could you have Jansen bring in some scrubs, please. Heartbeat or not, I'm sure that Rodney and the Colonel would rather not have to meet with Dr. Weir in their skin."

"Of course," she said, but she gave them both a faintly longing look from the door. "I do hope you'll allow me to assist with the tests this is going to require, Dr. Beckett."

"Oh, of course," he agreed. There were going to be lots of tests. There had to be. He was inescapably reminded of The Serpent and The Rainbow; did that mean that Rodney and the colonel were zombies?

It made his headache worse.

Rodney was trying to take his own pulse and Carson could see the panic blossoming in his eyes. "Rodney, Rodney, just stop," he said hastily. "Don't worry, we'll have plenty of tests to run later."

"I don't have a pulse!" Rodney said and put his hand on his chest. "Or a heartbeat! Oh, my god, this happened to SG-1, they were downloaded into android bodies!"

"We're androids?" Sheppard sounded horrified and got down from the table. "How can we be androids?"

Biro beamed at him and picked up a scalpel. "Let's just see," she said happily.

"No, no, no!" Carson felt a little panicky himself. "No, Dr. Biro, nothing sharp!"

She frowned, clearly disappointed.

"Besides," Carson said, heart hammering, "I think that an android body wouldn't have the same scars your human bodies had. And Rodney, you still have the scar from where, er, from the wound on your forearm."

Rodney looked down. "Not androids," he said and looked back at Sheppard, wide-eyed. "I don't have a pulse!"

Sheppard frowned at Rodney. "Don't be nuts, Rodney, you have to have a pulse. You're breathing, aren't you?"

"What if the breathing's just habit?" Rodney was in full blown panic mode.

Rodney in full-blown panic was never easy to face. Carson found himself wondering if sedatives would even work if their blood wasn't actually circulating....

"It was those pygmies!" Rodney said, even more alarmed. "Those damn darts!"

"We're breathing, Rodney, be reasonable," Sheppard said and reached out to take hold of Rodney's wrist and shake at him. "You're breathing, I'm breathing, we're talking, we're conscious. We can't be dead."

"No pulse!" Rodney told him, wide-eyed.

Carson's headache took another leap in intensity. "Both of you, just calm down," he said. "We'll get to the bottom of this."

"No pulse!" Rodney repeated.

"Still breathing," Sheppard insisted and looked at Carson. "We aren't dead, right, Doc?"

Carson wished Sheppard hadn't asked. He honestly wasn't sure.

As if that weren't enough, Elizabeth arrived with Caldwell on her heels. "Oh, my God, they're alive!"

"Sort of," Biro said, coming back into the room with an armful of clean scrubs.

Carson raised his hand. "Apparently," he said. "Now we need to run some tests."

"But they're alive!" Elizabeth looked at Biro and edged away.

"Sort of," Biro repeated cheerfully. "No pulse. We need to get their blood pressure. If they have any."

"They're alive!" Caldwell said, frowning. "Aren't they?"

"We are," Sheppard said firmly.

"I'm not feeling well," Rodney said, still trying to find his own pulse.

"Mostly alive," Carson temporized. "I need to run some tests."

Elizabeth and Caldwell stared at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"Seriously," he added firmly. "Just...just wait in my office.

After a moment, Elizabeth nodded, touched Caldwell's arm and led him out.

Now all Carson had to do was calm Rodney down, shake Sheppard up, get rid of Biro and figure out why the hell they weren't dead.

Life in the Pegasus galaxy was never easy.

*

"But they're alive," Elizabeth said, still stunned and, yes, very happy.

"Not exactly," Carson hedged. "They just aren't....dead."

Dr. Biro beamed. "No circulation, no cellular activity, it's as if they've been put in total stasis. Except for the whole breathing thing."

Carson gestured vaguely at Biro in a 'what she said' way. Sheppard and Rodney were giving him identical scowls from across the briefing room table.

"It's...very odd," Carson finally said, instead of saying how macabre it was. "Apparently, they were killed by the Nrish on one planet, tossed through the Stargate to the second planet where they were put through some sort of resurrection process by the Kelar before the Kelar contacted us to come and get them."

"Resurrection process," Elizabeth repeated.

"We were zombified!" Sheppard snarled. "We're dead!"

Caldwell just kept staring at them. Carson wondered if the silence meant Caldwell had suffered a stroke. He hoped to hell not. He didn't want to have to explain this to the SGC and obviously, they weren't going to take Sheppard seriously.

Talk about compromised. This went beyond having intimate relations with the Ascended.

"Quit saying that,'" Rodney snapped. "Clearly we're not dead. We're thinking and talking and oh, by the way, breathing."

"Habit," Biro said happily. "At least that's my theory."

"Breathing maybe. But thinking out of habit?" Rodney asked incredulously. "Sure, I can buy that for me, but for him?" He jerked a thumb in Sheppard's direction. "Not likely, since his default mode seems to be NOT thinking."

"Oh, don't start that shit," Sheppard growled. "How the hell was I supposed to know those little pygmy guys could kill us both?"

"Did you even consider it?" Rodney demanded.

"Did I even have time with Dr. These are Interesting Power Signatures along?" Sheppard countered.

"This is not my fault," Rodney objected.

"Gentlemen!" Elizabeth said, but it wasn't as sharp as it could have been. "As Rodney's pointed out, you aren't actually dead."

"Yeah, but we're not actually alive," Sheppard said, and sounded a little panicked. "I mean, there are things you have to be alive to do!"

Biro nodded and hummed. "Eating," she said, "Excreting, perspiring, drinking--"

"Sex," Rodney and Sheppard both said at the same time and gave each other mutually startled looks.

"Sex," Biro agreed.

Elizabeth coughed. "We don't really know that they can't eat or drink, do we, Carson?"

Carson sighed. "Why would they need to? Elizabeth, complete metabolic stasis. No cellular activity. No...." He made the 'what she said' gesture again.

Elizabeth considered that. "They might not need to eat or drink, but they still might be able to."

"Digestion," Biro said and hummed again.

Elizabeth's expression shifted to appalled as she thought that through.

"You mean we can't eat even if we want to?" Rodney asked, dismayed.

"Not unless you want it sitting like a rock in your stomach," Carson said and waved again. "What part of 'no cellular activity' do you not understand, Rodney?"

"We're dead!" Sheppard shook his head and and sighed. "So if there's no cellular activity, why are we even conscious?"

Carson frowned thoughtfully. "You know, that's the odd thing. There is still some kind of electrical activity going on in your brains. Of course, there have been theories that thought itself is a quantum process, so....." He rubbed his forehead.

"Fascinating," Biro said. "Do you think you'd be comfortable letting me take tissue samples?"

Elizabeth blinked. "Dr. Biro, I think that might be a little excessive. Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay might not be alive in the way we're used to measuring, but they're clearly conscious and reasoning."

"As much as he ever is," Rodney muttered.

Sheppard gave Rodney a long sidelong look. "While you're giving me attitude, Rodney, I'd like you to remember that most people aren't all that comfortable being around the living dead and if you keep being a jerk, you won't have anyone to hang out with."

Biro was crestfallen. "I suppose doing biopsies on them would count as vivisection, technically," she finally sighed.

Carson shuddered at the thought. "At least."

Rodney brightened slightly. "Hey, does this mean I don't have to worry about allergies and hypoglycemia any more?"

"Duh," Sheppard said and folded his arms.

Rodney gave him a pensive look. "This may have an up side after all."

Sheppard rolled his eyes.

Carson sighed. At least they were handling it well, he told himself. It hadn't affected their personalities much. Yet.

He was just going to have to keep an eye on Dr. Biro; he was pretty sure she was the only person he'd ever met who had theorized about the causal factors in Night of the Living Dead.

Vivisection. God.

"You're not invulnerable," Elizabeth said gently. "So don't get carried away."

Carson shuddered again. "She's absolutely right. If you break a bone, it's not going to heal.

Sheppard looked decidedly unsettled. "If we break a bone, what happens?"

"Amputation," Biro said happily.

Carson scowled at her. "Or not. Given the preservation of your tissue, it might not decompose, but it's not going to heal either.

Elizabeth's eyes widened. "Oh, my god, it's worse than that awful movie with Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep." She blinked. "I can see we're going to have to think this through. And my God, we can't report them as dead."

"No kidding!" Sheppard said and sat upright. "The Air Force doesn't pay dead pilots!"

"You know," Rodney said thoughtfully. "If I'm not mistaken, the Tok'ra have a device Daniel Jackson found that had the same effect. I wonder if we could get data on that and maybe reverse this whole thing."

Sheppard gave him a narrow look. "You want to really be dead, is that it?"

Rodney waved vaguely. "No, of course not, I said the 'whole thing', or did your eardrums stop functioning, too?"

"Air," Biro said happily. "Sound waves. And since apparently your nerves are still....doing something."

Sheppard and Rodney glared at each other.

"I wonder if it would hurt if I punched you," Sheppard said dangerously.

Rodney gazed at him pensively. "Your hair still looks awfully lively. Hmmm. No haircuts."

Sheppard blinked, touched his hair. "Oh. Maybe there is an up side."

"How can they be dead?" Caldwell asked, emerging from his trance. "Neither one of them has shut up since this briefing started. Don't you have to shut up once you're dead? Most of the dead I've encountered have."

"They're not exactly dead," Carson said wearily, for perhaps the twentieth time. "They just aren't exactly alive."

"Isn't that like being a little bit pregnant?" Caldwell asked.

"Only in the Milky Way galaxy," Carson said and put his head in his hands. "And I've got a terrible headache. Elizabeth, may I be excused?"

Elizabeth nodded kindly.

"Are you sure you wouldn't be willing to give me a few tissue samples?" Biro asked plaintively.

Rodney and Sheppard both glared at her.

"That would be a no," Elizabeth guessed. "Dr. Biro, you're excused, too."

Which would have been fine, except Carson had to listen to her all the way back to the morgue.

*

The next few days were fairly uneventful considering that one of Carson's good friends was not quite dead, and so was the second in command of the military contingent. They were actually particularly uneventful, considering that Carson's good friend was stridently demanding that they return to the second planet and meet with members of the race who had left them in this condition, and that the second in command had been equally strident in his demands that they do no such thing.

Elizabeth had been perplexed as to which of them had the better argument, Zelenka was no use whatsoever as the presence of either man reduced him to awed Czech expostulations, Biro wanted to post-mortem them and kept hanging about hoping for them to end up all the way dead, and Caldwell was just stunned to the point of refusing to listen to either of them.

Carson imported some Athosian wine from the mainland and kept thinking longingly of the earthenware bottle while various Rodney and Sheppard influenced emergencies kept appearing in his infirmary and requiring care.

At least Hansen hadn't actually cut his finger off.

Carson had finally gotten a moment alone and a nice clean glass when Sheppard appeared in his office and in a hushed voice complained of impotence. Didn't anyone take basic biology in school any more, Carson thought, longingly looking at the glass before putting it back in his desk drawer.

Naturally, where Sheppard went, Rodney followed and Rodney appeared just as Carson said impatiently, "Colonel, you have no blood circulating anywhere in your body! Of course you can't get an erection! I'd have thought that was obvious."

Sheppard frowned at him. "That really sucks."

"Now do you see why I want to go back there and check out that resurrection device?" Rodney demanded of Sheppard.

Sheppard turned and glared. "Did you ever hear of doctor patient privilege, Rodney? And you could have just explained that!" he added, "Instead of letting me humiliate myself by asking him"

"Oh, please, that would only be humiliating if you were trying to get an erection with him," Rodney said dismissively.

Carson's eyelid twitched. His nervous tic had begun two days ago, and he suspected it was going to last until Sheppard and Rodney were either alive again or all the way dead.

At moments like this, he was tempted to fudge the matter and give Biro permission to do post-mortems on both of them. "Gentlemen," he said heavily, "Can we please not continue on this subject?"

They both looked at him in surprise for a moment before Sheppard turned back to Rodney. "Okay, you're right, we need to go back to that planet," he agreed. "Like, immediately. I didn't mind not being hungry, or not needing sleep, but if I'm not getting any older and I'm not alive and I'm not getting any sex--just., no. I'm not spending the rest of my eternity without something to look forward to."

"Finally!" Rodney said and rolled his eyes. "I knew self-interest would win out."

Sheppard gave Rodney an annoyed look. "Oh, please, like your self-interest isn't involved."

"Without circulation, where is this testosterone coming from?" Rodney smirked. "Do you store it in your hair? I ask out of scientific curiosity."

Carson slammed a book down on his desk. "Out, both of you!"

They both gave him sulky looks. But they also left.

Thank God.

*

For good or ill, Elizabeth finally agreed to the mission once she had both of them demanding the same thing.

For good, it meant they weren't hanging around the infirmary tempting Biro. For ill, it meant Carson got assigned to go with them since neither of them had medical training.

For good and ill, it also meant they took a lot of Marines this time.

Carson wasn't altogether certain he was comforted by that, especially once the gate was dialed up and connected.

"Okay," Sheppard said and put on his 'I'm a trained killer, don't fuck with me' expression. "Okay, we're not leaving until we figure out how this thing works and why it left us halfway between being dead and alive."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Exactly. That means you throw yourself between the colonel and the aliens no matter what because, hello, no healing, and he'd look sort of disgusting with a big hole in his body or head."

The Marines looked alarmed at that.

"You, uh, don't get hungry, right, sir?" asked a corporal.

"Of course he doesn't now," Rodney said, with mock-patience. "But if he gets killed again, yeah, he's going to want your brain."

Sheppard whacked his shoulder, not gently. "Will you for Christ's sake cut it out! And you're not going to look too good when I shoot you in the head."

Rodney smirked. "And you stay between me and the colonel," he told the Marine nearest to him. "Atlantis needs my head in one piece."

"Do I really have to go with them?" Carson asked Elizabeth nervously. "They're already ....more or less dead. I'm not."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Carson, for God's sake, do you want me to send Biro?"

Carson considered seriously, looked at Rodney. Sighed. "No, we might end up with them being most sincerely dead."

"Exactly," Elizabeth said and pointed. "Good luck, be careful, and don't lose anyone."

"Anyone else," Carson muttered and closed his eyes before stepping through.

*

The Kelar were a lovely, if non-human folk, Carson decided, after working with their scientists to figure out what had gone wrong. The Kelar were safe from the Wraith precisely because of the way their bodies functioned. Carson had his suspicions that perhaps the Ancients had meddled, but that might have been wishful thinking. The Kelar had no such legends, although they remembered the Atlanteans well enough. Their history had been uninterrupted by the Wraith.

Colonel Sheppard's and Rodney's condition had been easy enough to clear up: the Kelar had never met any humans before coming across the regrettably dead bodies of Rodney and the colonel and thus, had put them into a state of repair that would have been robust good health for the Kelar. With a dozen Marines and Carson himself to provide the necessary readings, Bkarial, the chief Kelar scientist, soon had the colonel and Rodney set to rights, even if the pods the Kelar used had to be adapted to fix the problem, and smoked in an ungodly way once Bkarial pronounced the process complete.

"There you are," Carson said cheerily as Rodney's eyes blinked up at him after the pod had opened. "Let's have a look at you."

"I don't feel any different," Rodney groused blurrily and yelped when Carson stuck the stethoscope under his shirt. "Damn, that's cold."

"They are well?" Bkarial trilled, hovering nearby.

Carson smiled at the steady sound of Rodney's heart. "I think so, yes."

"Yes?" Rodney blinked. "I'm okay?"

"I'll know more once we're home again," Carson said, "But you've certainly got a nice strong heartbeat, Rodney, and that's a very good sign."

Rodney sighed and sat up, blinked again as Carson turned toward the second pod and it opened. "And Sheppard?"

"I'll tell you in a moment," Carson said and the colonel blinked up at him drowsily. "Hello, Colonel Sheppard. I'll just have a quick listen."

Sheppard flinched a little at the stethoscope, but he opened his eyes and focused on Carson.

Carson beamed. "Nice and strong, Colonel. Welcome back to the land of the living."

Sheppard sat up, grinned at Rodney. "And Rodney?"

"Rodney's fine," Rodney said drily. "Your hair looks even livelier than ever, Colonel."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Sheppard said and pushed himself up enough to climb out of the pod. "Yours looks pretty lively, too."

Rodney brushed reflexively at his and Carson smirked. "They are well, Bkarial. Breathing, hearts beating, and I suspect our scans back home will show they're just fine."

Bkarial bowed. "That is good, Doctor Carson. Now, alas, I must ask you all to return home. The council fears that your presence may draw the hungry ones to our planet, and while they cannot feed, still they can kill."

"Yes, of course," Carson said and nodded at Sheppard. "But perhaps we can return for short visits?"

"You would be welcome," Bkarial assured him. "We would be glad to trade knowledge with you."

Rodney climbed out of his pod. "Well, thank you for, uh, all this," he said and squinted at Sheppard. "It was very interesting to be, uh, zombies."

"And not decompose," Sheppard added, coming up behind Rodney. Rodney started a little and gave Sheppard a narrow look. "The not decomposing part was really good."

Carson rolled his eyes. "Yes, Bkarial, thank you. Colonel, would you like to gather the troops?"

"Sure thing," Sheppard said cheerfully and Rodney started again, gave Sheppard another look.

Carson sighed. "Now?"

Sheppard nodded and went off to see about doing precisely that.

As Carson might have predicted, Rodney went with him, allowing Carson to follow all the correct diplomatic forms in making his farewells, and exchanging some additional scientific information before meeting the rest of the group at the Stargate.

The Kelar, being a generous people, accompanied them (or escorted them). Both Rodney and Sheppard stepped through a little more briskly than they had on the way here and Elizabeth met them all at the bottom of the stairs, her expression concerned.

"They're both fine," Carson told her cheerfully. "Or at least all the way alive again. No more jokes about George Romero."

Sheppard raised one hand. "Or Resident Evil," he said firmly.

*

"That's a relief," Elizabeth said, and her mouth twitched.

"Don't be ridiculous," Rodney said. "As you so eloquently pointed out to the Kelar, we weren't decomposing."

"For which I'm very grateful," Elizabeth said. "And I'm sure that John is grateful, too, since his hair would have, at the very least, matted before falling out."

Sheppard winced, but Rodney smirked.

"Infirmary," Carson told them. "Now. I want you cleared for duty and out of my hair as soon as possible."

Naturally, Sheppard and Rodney both smirked at him. What was it that Ayers always called them? Frick and Frack?

Carson rolled his eyes at Elizabeth, who grinned outright, and Caldwell came down the steps to give them both a wary look.

"Alive and reporting for duty, sir," Sheppard said smartly.

Caldwell looked at Carson.

"At least they will be soon," Carson said drily. "Give me about an hour and you'll have them both back."

"If you insist," Caldwell muttered.

Sheppard scowled.

"Report to the infirmary," Elizabeth said gently. "And we'll debrief after."

Frick and Frack followed Carson obediently.

*

"Aye, they're perfectly healthy and Dr. Biro is gravely disappointed. I hope some of data I brought back will ease her disappointment." Carson folded his hands and looked sidelong at his patients. "In fact, they're even healthier than they were before they were....mostly dead."

"Well, that's good news," Elizabeth said and nodded at Carson. "So nothing out of the ordinary?"

Carson shook his head. "Aside from the correction to Rodney's cholesterol level and Colonel Sheppard's blood pressure and that his toenail fungus--"

"Hey!" Sheppard said, indignantly, "What about that whole confidentiality, thing!"

"What was wrong with his blood pressure?" Rodney demanded.

"And his cholesterol?" Sheppard pointed at Rodney.

Elizabeth sighed. "Can we stay focused?"

Sheppard folded his arms and scowled. "Hey, I wouldn't have gotten that fungus if Rodney hadn't needed rescuing from those squid things."

Elizabeth turned her head and stared at him until he coughed and looked at the table. "Thank you. At any rate, welcome back to normal life, gentlemen, and as far as I'm concerned, you're back on the duty roster as of tomorrow morning."

Sheppard looked at Caldwell.

"Tomorrow morning is fine," Caldwell said and then, "And for God's sake, do you think the two of you could stay out of trouble?"

Sheppard looked at Rodney and Rodney looked at Sheppard. "It's not like we do this on purpose, Colonel Caldwell," Rodney said irritably. "We're just trying to do our jobs."

Caldwell sighed. "Yes, I understand that, but it's going to be very hard to convince the SGC to pay your salary, Dr. McKay, let alone Colonel Sheppard's if neither of you are alive. If you come back dead, let's make it all the way dead next time."

"Colonel!" Elizabeth said, horrified.

Caldwell winced at her tone. "Or, you could just come back alive."

"We do our best," Sheppard said severely. "And now, if you'll excuse us, I'm starving and I think I saw chocolate cake on today's menu."

Rodney perked up. "Chocolate cake?"

"Yeah, with those berries the Athosians found," Sheppard said.

"Oh, yeah," Rodney said fervently. "Elizabeth?"

Her mouth twitched. "You're both excused."

"Thank you," Sheppard said and they both popped out of their chairs. "And some kind of roast beef, I think," he said to Rodney as they left the briefing room.

"Those two," Carson said and rolled his eyes. "I'm glad they're back to normal. At least for them."

"How normal is that?" Caldwell asked and sighed. "Have those two ever been normal?"

Elizabeth's mouth quirked again. "Define normal?"

"That's what I thought."

Elizabeth smiled. "Carson, you've gone above and beyond."

"Bringing the almost dead back to life? I wish it had been me," Carson said and sighed. "Now I'm going to take a nap and avoid Dr. Biro until she's had a chance to look at the data." He rose. "If you could keep her out of my way for a while, I'd be very grateful."

"We'll find something," Elizabeth said. "Thank you, Carson."

He nodded and rose. "And keep those two out of trouble. At least our other casualties were actually casualties. I'm not sure my nerves will take another round of zombie jokes."

"Agreed," Elizabeth said, and her smile was impish.

Blessedly, Carson didn't run into Biro on his way back to his office or from there on his way to his quarters. That woman was definitely beginning to worry him.

Unfortunately, he did, sort of, run into Rodney and Sheppard. Not that he could actually see them. He heard them, though, and ducked into an alcove.

"You know, I wouldn't have minded the whole having to listen to you snark for an eternity if we hadn't faced giving up sex," Sheppard's voice said.

"Don't eat that, yet, I have plans for it," Rodney said. "And I can't believe it took you three days to figure out that I was right."

"I was mad at you," Sheppard said reasonably. "You kept dissing the hair, why would I be thinking about sex when you diss the hair?"

"I always diss the hair, that's never stopped you before."

Sheppard was silent a moment. "Well, I was dead. Mostly. That slowed me down. And what plans do you have with our dessert?"

"Think about it," Rodney said and chuckled.

"Oh." Sheppard snickered. "You show an amazing amount of imagination for someone so annoying."

"And you show an amazing amount of imagination for someone with that kind of hair, not to mention a uniform," Rodney retorted and their voices were very close.

There was a thump on the wall just outside the alcove and Sheppard made a sound in his throat.

Carson went very still, his eyes widening. They weren't talking, but there was a lot of bumping and rustling and hadn't he always thought the two of them were practically flirtatious?

Did he really want to stay here and listen to whatever it was they had planned for the chocolate cake?

No, Carson decided, he did not. Straightening his shoulders, he stepped out of the alcove.

Rodney had Sheppard up against the wall and was kissing him, and Sheppard was holding both plates and somehow not dropping either plates or cake.

He saw one hazel eye widen, heard a muffled yelp and Rodney turned and nearly elbowed Sheppard in the chest. "Carson," Rodney stammered and took one of the cake plates from Sheppard. "I, uh, was just—"

"Gentlemen," Carson said severely. "Get a room. And if you don't show a little more discretion, I'm letting Dr. Biro examine you."

Sheppard's eyes were almost comically wide. "Room. Discretion. Right."

Rodney blinked. "Carson, we were dead, aren't we entitled to forget discretion at least once in a while?"

"That's the only reason I'm not giving her a free hand now," Carson said drily. "Now get out of here."

They got.

After a moment, Carson found he was chuckling. He supposed that meant he was, after all, glad that the two of them had frightened the life out of him in the morgue, driven him mad during their brief sojourn in between life and death and forced him to protect them from an overeager pathologist.

Even if the two of them had just given him ammunition to keep them out of his hair the next time they got into trouble.

Life in the Pegasus galaxy was frequently stranger than fiction, sometimes tragic, sometimes not, and never easy.

Sometimes, though it was pretty damned funny.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

I love Biro, so gleeful when the zombies have no heartbeat, ready with a scalpel to see if they are androids, the only person who had theorized about the causal factors in Night of the Living Dead, hoping for them to end up all the way dead. And Carson slowly being tempted to let her have her way. Very enjoyable OC.

"No pulse!" - "Still breathing." - repeat that 30 more times and I think I like Caldwell all of a sudden: "How can they be dead?" Caldwell asked, emerging from his trance. "Neither one of them has shut up since this briefing stared. Don't you have to shut up once you're dead?"

Trust them not to have the same miraculous abilities as Spike and Angel.

[(Anonymous)]

But of course not, they have their own miraculous abilities! Glad you enjoyed!

k

[dracostella.livejournal.com]

I thoroughly enjoyed this! Poor Dr. Beckett...

I especially liked this exchange:

"Oh, please, that would only be humiliating if you were trying to get an erection with him," Rodney said dismissively.

Carson's eyelid twitched. His nervous tic had begun two days ago, and he suspected it was going to last until Sheppard and Rodney were either alive again or all the way dead.

[(Anonymous)]

Poor Carson, he was getting worn out. Hee! Glad you enjoyed!

k

[ex-kyrieane267.livejournal.com]

Oh.

My.

God!

Hysterical! Only in the Pegasas galaxy, and only to John and Rodney!

*huggles woobies*

[(Anonymous)]

It's so true! I cheerfully blame kageygirl for inspiring this, and now we have penguins, zombie penguins and zombies!

k

[amezri.livejournal.com]

I absolutely loved this. Hi-larious! :D

[(Anonymous)]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I had a great time writing it.

k

[sp23.livejournal.com]

::giggling hysterically::

Oh, this should so be an episode. This was so funny it had me laughing the whole way through. Poor Carson. His nerves will never be the same. And loved Biro and her ghoulish glee. There's nothing like a pathologist who loves her work. *g*

[(Anonymous)]

She was so bizarrely enthusiastic in Hot Zone, I just had to use her! And thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed!

k

[casspeach.livejournal.com]

Hee, love Dr Biro. How naughty of Carson to deny hjer such an interesting research opportunity, surely John and Rodney could have spared something for her to study!

Great fun

[(Anonymous)]

They were nervous about that whole lack of cellular activity thing; a tissue sample would have left a hole!

k

[jic]

*giggles*

[(Anonymous)]

Hee, glad it made it you giggle.

[minotaurs.livejournal.com]

Wonderfully funny. I love their voices, and the snark, and even Carson's tic. This kind of story is why I love this fandom so very much.

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you! I always worry I haven't gotten the snark quite right! And poor Carson! Long-suffering, protecting them from Biro.....

k

[miera-c.livejournal.com]

"At least they will be soon," Carson said drily. "Give me about an hour and you'll have them both back."

"If you insist," Caldwell muttered.

*snerk*
I hope Caldwell ends up this cool on the show.

[(Anonymous)]

He might! We can but hope. I sure hope they don't waste him!

[porntestpilot.livejournal.com]

ZOMBIES! Poor Carson.

[(Anonymous)]

It's true. He's so long suffering!

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

Eeee! Zombies!

This is a weird and wonderful fic. *g* I love it. Poor Carson. I liked that this was from his POV. And I love Elizabeth and Caldwell's reaction. As well as Dr. Biro's. Hee!

[(Anonymous)]

Dr. Biro was just too much fun. And kagey inspired it with a zombie dream!

k

[amalthia]

lol, this was great. :) I don't think I laughed this much in days. thanks for sharing. :)

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks for enjoying! And you're very welcome!

k

[fenris_wolf0]

Thank you, this was hilarious! Frick and Frack indeed... I loved the outsider's point on view on their interactions. Poor Elizabeth and poor confused Caldwell.

But mostly poor Beckett! (it was so nice to see Dr. Biro again, the woman is a big favorite of mine... her no-nonsense attitude and her frightening outlook are so much fun!)

[(Anonymous)]

Oh, she's a delight. A little odd, but a delight! So glad you enjoyed!

k

[bluestarmuse.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness, this was great! I was laughing all the way through. Thanks muchly for this. +nods+

I can probably quote a good portion of this but I'll resist the temptation. +smirks+ Although John going 'We're dead!' throughout the meeting reminded me of the 'Bring Out Your Dead' part from Monty Python and the Holy Grail for some strange reason. +grins+

[(Anonymous)]

They were all having a hard time coming to terms. Hee. And if it had been the Monty Python, Biro would have whacked them on the head.

k

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Oh, jeez, my fandom has penguins and zombies!

How to pick a favorite line? It's impossible. But I must, so:

He was just going to have to keep an eye on Dr. Biro; he was pretty sure she was the only person he'd ever met who had theorized about the causal factors in Night of the Living Dead.

Love Biro, just love her, and Carson's tic and Caldwell's trance, and any story that ends up with cake and sex and blackmail material.

[lurkerlynne.livejournal.com]

Oh, jeez, my fandom has penguins and zombies!

Just wait and it'll have zombie penguins, too. ::saves::

[kaneko.livejournal.com]

This is great!! Hilarious and original and fantastic voices!!

[(Anonymous)]

Thanks very much! It was great zany fun, inspired by kageygirl.

k

[hobbit-feet.livejournal.com]

*shoulders shake with laughter*

So damn funny.

I loved:

"Gentlemen," Carson said severely. "Get a room. And if you don't show a little more discretion, I'm letting Dr. Biro examine you."

And...

"I wonder if it would hurt if I punched you," Sheppard said dangerously.

[(Anonymous)]

Hee. Yes. How well are those nerves conducting.

[delurker.livejournal.com]

Hee! You made me grin so much my face hurts. I love that Dr Biro thinks about the medicine behind zombies. And poor Carson! *pets* *sends scotch*

[(Anonymous)]

I have just adored Biro since her first appearance.

Carson thanks you for the scotch!

[buddleia.livejournal.com]

Biro! So funny!

[(Anonymous)]

You have to love Biro, yes! I must let her out to play again!

[shepslilgirl.livejournal.com]

Absolutely hilarious!

My Fav bit -

"Without circulation, where is this testosterone coming from?" Rodney smirked. "Do you store it in your hair? I ask out of scientific curiosity."

[(Anonymous)]

:g: That Rodney, he's such a hoot!

Glad you enjoyed!

[agentotter.livejournal.com]

Whooo! Zombies! And Dr. Biro! And make-outs! This fic truly has it ALL.

[(Anonymous)]

And cake! Chocolate cake! :beams:

[rosewildeirish.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is fabulously funny and strangely? Completely in character for these guys. :)

[(Anonymous)]

Hee! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I was hoping they sounded like themselves.

[basingstoke.livejournal.com]

bwahahahaa!

Man, you can never go wrong with zombies. That was fabulous.

[(Anonymous)]

Crackfic is gooooooood. Especially when kagey inspires it! Thanks!

[dr-dredd.livejournal.com]

Best Dr. Biro I've seen anybody write!

And, of course, the obligatory Princess Bride reference: "He's only mostly dead!" :-)

Have fun storming the castle...

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you! She's just so interesting! Hee! Glad you enjoyed!

[astolat]

OMG ZOMBIES YAY! *comments incoherently in midst of vid deadline panic*

[(Anonymous)]

Hee! Glad you enjoyed! Good luck on the vidding!