sga_flashfic | Fic: "The Last Word" by Lemonbella (First Night Challenge)

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Title: The Last Word
Author: Lemonbella
Rating: U/Gen
Characters: Rodney McKay, John Sheppard, Sam Carter.
Summary: "How on earth can they justify putting that in my file?"

Okay, so this started out as a team fic. It was quite serious and deep, but then somewhere along the way it turned into comedy. And the team all disappeared. I'm sorry.

Thanks to

indian_skimmer for the beta and for helping to make Sam sound slightly less like a thirteen year old.

~~~ SGC, last night ~~~

Of course, it didn't help that she was bored. She'd already recalibrated all the microscopes in her lab and proof read the schematics for the Prometheus' hyperdrive. She'd created a new, strictly speaking unnecessary, diagnostic protocol for the gate computer. Before lunch, she'd even tried to venture outside the lab, but the mountain was heaving with personnel assigned to Pegasus, the earth based teams were all grounded, and Rodney McKay had commandeered all the other labs, the control room, and most of the corridors to shout in.

This situation was her own fault really, and that's what rankled the most. She shouldn't have mentioned his name to Dr Weir, but there was something about McKay that meant you never really remembered how completely and utterly irritating he was until he was standing in your workplace and calling you stupid.

He'd insulted her personally three times, and the Earth gate interface four. There was nothing wrong with the gate interface, for crying out loud. Okay, there were several things wrong with the gate interface, and he was right about every single one, but he didn't have to be so, so… McKay about it.

Somehow, he'd come back from Russia even more annoying than he'd been before he went, and Sam couldn't help but feel a little bit responsible for that too. One momentary lapse of concentration and a peck on the cheek, and he thought they were friends, and by all accounts he'd told everyone else they were more. She suspected he'd even told the marines; their eyes kept following her around the room, and she'd had to lock herself in here and quell the urge to demonstrate her superior hand-to-hand combat skills.

She'd tried to be reasonable, she'd tried to be rational. She'd tried talking to the Chef about sneaking lemon into the cheesecake, but then Teal'c had cocked an eyebrow at her, Daniel and Jack had exchanged their "crazy woman" look, and she'd had to withdraw the request.

Sam opened a fourth computer programme and managed to write two paragraphs of her latest report before thumping a fist into the table.

He'd mentioned the hair again. When was the last time she'd cared about her hair? And yet, when he'd sighed critically at the interface for the ZPM and muttered, "still blonde, I see," she'd had an irrational urge to grow it long and dye it black, and to crack his head against the control computer.

Sam sighed and drummed her fingers on the desk top. A small voice in the back of her head suggested that perhaps all this wasn't appropriate behaviour for an Air Force Officer.

He was going to be in Pegasus soon enough, far enough away that they probably didn’t even have blonde woman. Maybe it was a galaxy in which every foodstuff contained citrus. Sam thought about that for a while, a smile on her face, and wrote another three paragraphs.

Although, that made it worse: He was going to be in another Galaxy, completely unsupervised and muttering and hollering and quite possibly doing a better job than she would have. There must be some way to remind him that she was here first; to let him know, even if she couldn't tell anyone else without looking paranoid, that whatever stories he told, she would know and she would tear his testicles off with her bare hands.

Sam grinned. She knew it was petty, but once you'd spend fifteen minutes in a room with Dr Rodney McKay, pettiness became second nature. She scribbled something in her notebook, tore out the page, and headed out of the lab to find Jack.

~~~ Atlantis, first night ~~~

"McKay!"

"What?" McKay squeaked, the panic in his voice matching the way his eyes darted towards the files Sheppard was reading.

"Hospital gowns turn you on?" A hint of amusement played around Sheppard's lips.

McKay's eyes widened as his mouth opened and then closed again.

"That...They put that in my file? That's just…" He waved his hand towards the file as if he was trying to reverse time.

"How on earth can they justify putting that in my file? That's the American military for you, you sell them your soul for a frankly meagre wage, they send you to Russia and try to kill you with the food, and they misconstrue some tiny admission, made under extreme duress I might add, and use it to humiliate and pre.."

Sheppard interrupted, waving the offending article in the air, "It's handwritten on a piece of note book paper." He brought it closer to his face to scrutinise it. "Signed by a Colonel Carter?"

McKay's face passed through six different emotions in less than ten seconds, and John made a mental note to teach him at least the basics of subtlety before they went out on any missions. McKay finally settled on a mixture of stunned adoration and blind panic, and John made another mental note to play poker with him before he taught him subtlety.

"Ah, a fickle female way of showing affection, I suspect. She's blonde, you know, it's hard for them to articulate…"

"Maybe she just wanted to warn us…" Sheppard placed the piece of paper back in the file. "I must remember to tell Dr Beckett."

"Major!"

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