The Agent, The Samurai, His Geisha, & His Lover by micehell (Harlequin Challenge)

[micehell]

Title: The Agent, The Samurai, His Geisha, & His Lover
Author: micehell
Pairing/Rating: McShep; NC-17
Warnings: with this challenge? Nothing here was meant to be taken seriously.
Summary: It's never easy when someone is critiquing your performance.
Word Count: 1409 - I'm getting closer to the 1000.


The Agent burst into the room just as a tall, masked man drew the Agent's lover into a deep kiss. The Agent's mind took in small details - the darkening bruise on his lover's cheek, the blindfold over his eyes, the cuffs on his wrists, the way he struggled against the body holding his - but he forced himself to ignore them as he focused on the intruder.

"Let go of my boyfriend, or I'll fill you with lead."

-- "Boyfriend?"

"All right, already!" --

"Let go of my lover, or I'll fill you with lead."

-- "Yeah, 'cause that's so much better." --

His lover's breathy sigh of "You came!" was overwhelmed as the masked intruder laughed menacingly. "Fill you with lead? That's the best you can do? I'm disappointed." He gave the Agent's lover another deep kiss, then threw him at the Agent, along with a small pellet that sent up a cloud of smoke when it hit the ground.

When the smoke cleared, the intruder was gone, and his lover was on the floor.

The Agent went to him, noticing the trembling that racked the body at his approach. He moved slowly, removing the blindfold. "It's just me. He's gone."

"I knew you'd come for me."

-- "Though at this rate, it's going to take forever."

"Shush." --

The agent pulled that beloved body into a tight embrace. "I was afraid I'd get here too late." He ran a tender hand over the bruise that marred that beautiful face, over the slight trace of blood on those lush lips.

His lover gave a tremulous smile, trying to put on a brave face for him. "He wanted to know where my formula was. I wouldn't tell him. And then he was going to...." He gave another shudder.

"Yes, I know. I only wished I had killed him for you."

-- "Ooh, that's romantic."

"Damn it, stop critiquing my work." --

"I'm sorry, but I don't have anything to get those cuffs off. It'll have to wait until we get back to the Agency."

His lover gave him another smile, pushing up against him. "Hold me. Please."

-- "Ugh."

"He needs the contact. He's traumatized."

"So am I after that." --

The agent wrapped his arms around his lover, holding close the most precious thing in his world. Without thinking, he leaned down, taking those lips into a deep kiss, tasting a faint trace of blood, of fear, and of longing.

He pulled away, mortified that he'd lost control. "I'm sorry. That was too soon."

"No. Kiss me. Love me. Make me forget everything but you."

-- "Ok, does the Agent realize that his lover is a serious pansy?"

"Yes, he does. And I'm basing him on you."

"Hey!" --

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been surer of anything in my life."

The Agent took those lips again, took them deep and hard. Much as he hated to admit it, he could understand why the intruder might have been unable to resist this man. The bruise and the restraints added a vulnerability to the already near unearthly beauty that drove the Agent wild. He dove in deep into that moist cavern.

They broke apart, both panting for breath. His lover looked at him with slightly glazed eyes. "Take me. Take me hard."

But the Agent just shook his head. "Never that. But I will make love to you."

-- "Oh. My. God. Tell me you're joking."

"I don't recall asking you for your opinion." --

The agent picked his lover up in his arms, smiling when that dark head snuggled up close against his chest. He placed him tenderly on the bed, settling beside him. "I want to make this good for you."

He opened his lover's shirt, hissing as he saw more bruises there, but his lover moaned in appreciation, not in pain. "Please. More."

The Agent slowly stripped his lover of everything but his shirt, pulled down to where it caught against his cuffed hands. The sight of the man lying there naked except for shirt and cuffs was one of the sexiest things he'd ever seen. "We don't have any lube."

"I don't need-"

"No, I'm not doing this dry. But I have an idea." He then proceeded to take his lover's large, straining cock into his mouth. He loved the taste of the man, loved the feel of that turgid organ in his mouth.

-- "Turgid organ? I might be sick."

"I'm never going to finish this if you don't shut up."

"Well, there goes Plan A." --

The Agent was as much a master at this as he was at everything else, and he soon had his lover moaning, then screaming out his name as he climaxed, sending spurts of hot semen into the Agent's eager mouth. He couldn't resist a small taste, but he let most of it slip out of his mouth onto his lover's writhing body, pooling there near his groin.

-- "Spurts of hot semen?"

"Don't start."

"Actually, I kind of liked that." --

While his lover was still senseless from his climax, the Agent used the pool of come and saliva to coat his fingers, to coat his lover's passage, smiling as the man moaned in reawakening desire.

Eager to start, he still made sure the passage was slick and ready for him, because his size made penetration difficult at the best of times, and he would never hurt the man beneath him. But finally his lover was ready, and the Agent was more than so.

-- "Exactly how large are we talking here?"

"Do you remember that guy we saw on that one planet?"

"That large, huh? Well, don't let me hold you up here." --

He positioned his lover on his side, cuffed hands and shirt rubbing against the Agent's stomach as he lifted the man's top leg, setting it back over the top of his. Then he pressed his throbbing cock against that slick hole, pushing gently in.

Even with his care, he still had to take it slow, the entrance to his treasure tight even now. But then it opened further, letting him slip deeper inside, deeper still, until he was buried all the way in that luscious ass.

He held still there, excited but at peace, feeling as if he had found his way home again.

-- "I might be sick after that."

"Well, do it somewhere else." --

His lover squirmed, pressing back against the large cock impaling him. "Move, please. I want to feel you as you thrust inside me."

Unable to resist that plea, the Agent pushed in and out of his lover with maddening slowness; long, deep strokes that drove them both wild. Then, unable to hold back, his thrusts got shorter, harder, pounding into his lover's prostate, causing the passage to squeeze tight around the Agent's cock. They both moaned at the sensations, flying higher than they'd ever flown before.

It was too quick, but they couldn't wait, both of them coming simultaneously, their vision blurring from the force of their climaxes.

Afterwards, the Agent held his lover in his arms, reveling in the connection between them. "You are the light of my life. Without you, my world would be only darkness."

-- "Ugh. Way to kill the mood."

"Yeah, that was a little much."

"Still...."

"Yeah." --

His lover tilted his head back, lips finding lips. "Always, my love. Always."

The end.

-- "That was really bad... and, disturbingly enough, kind of hot, too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You were right. You are the king of net porn."

"Of course I was right. I'm always right."

"Sure."

"Well, I'm usually right. The amount of times I'm wrong is almost a statistical anomaly. In fact, if you take it as it approaches the limit-"

"Enough. Now if you're done, why don't we go to bed? If you're a good boy, I might help you act out your story. Cuffs and all."

"You have cuffs? Where did you get them... and why?"

"Let's just say I have baggy pants, and that you never know when something like that might come in handy. Now are you coming?"

"Not yet, but hopefully soon." --

::::::::::

(One week later)

The Samurai burst into the room as the intruder tore the geisha's kimono from his quivering body.

-- "Rodney. Not again."

"Trust me, John. You'll like this. It's even better than the last one." --

/story

Comments

[fleurrochard]

*dies laughing*

[micehell]

Ah, the second best way to go. ;D

[raviahmad.livejournal.com]

That was brilliant! This com is just so cracktastic :)

[micehell]

Why thank you. And, aieee, icon love! :D

[clarkangel.livejournal.com]

OMG!::is ded from the squee and the giggles::

But I have a stupid question. So shoot me. Who was who? LOL

[micehell]

Yay, glad you liked it. :D

Rodney, he of the 'amount of times I'm wrong is almost a statistical anomaly', is the writer.

John, he of the baggy pants smuggling (look, I did the last challenge again), is the critiquer.

[green-key.livejournal.com]

::dies:: And you just know Rodney is a feedback hor.

[micehell]

you just know Rodney is a feedback hor
*snicker* Well, he must have liked the 'feedback' he got, 'cause he did feel motivated to write some more. ;D

[rasmizar.livejournal.com]

They broke apart, both panting for breath. His lover looked at him with slightly glazed eyes. "Take me. Take me hard."
But the Agent just shook his head. "Never that. But I will make love to you."

*rofl* I've just realized how often I've suffered through read this exact conversation in fanfiction...

This is brilliant. And the John/Rodney commentary is hilarious. Now I'd like to read more about the Samurai and his Geisha... *g*

[micehell]

this exact conversation
Oi, far too often.

And thank you kindly, I'm glad you liked it. :D As to the Samurai and his Geisha, I was going to ask how much bad kink can you take, but then I saw your icon. *snicker*

[duskyfox.livejournal.com]

*dies*

The sad thing is that I'm pretty sure I read a het version of Rodney's story when I went through my trashy romance phase (hey, I was 13!). Ugh, never again.

Very, very funny. I actually pictured John as the writer when I first read through this. And now I'm trying to figure out what John would write, if he wrote bad net porn. I'm not quite sure I want to know.

Anyway, great fic.

[micehell]

hey, I was 13
Oh, sure. ;)

what John would write
It's probably better that we don't know. Though it might have something to do with Ferris wheels.

Mucho thankses. :D

[mikou.livejournal.com]

Hilarious! Being a former romance novel addict, I've suffered this scenario countless times. This story made wading through all that dreck worth it. Thanks.

[micehell]

Whee, I'm glad you liked it, even with the traumatic memories your addiction left you with. ;D

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


heeeee.

[micehell]

I'll take that to mean you liked it. *snicker* Mucho thankses.

[ellex42.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of both the film Diabolik, which was the last film done on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and a Whose Line is it Anyway? sketch.

Hilarious, thank you.

(and here's a link to info on Diabolik (http://www.mst3kinfo.com/daddyo/di_1013.html)

[micehell]

Well, heck, as I've seen pretty much the full run of MST3K and Whose Line (the British version), there might be a reason for that. ;D

And, yay, glad you liked it.

[sage]

omg, so funny!

[micehell]

Thanks!

[vileseagulls.livejournal.com]

*laughing* *dead*

[micehell]

Aiee, more icon love. Too many good ones floating around. And I'm glad you liked it. :D

[ship-recs.livejournal.com]

haha, lovely.

[micehell]

Mucho thankses! :)

[ladyivy.livejournal.com]

OMG - This was great! What a way to start off the work week. I will so not be able to explain to the coworkers why I am giggling as I remember scenes.

Thank you so much for sharing!

[micehell]

What a way to start off the work week
Well something needs to make it more bearable. Or more bareable in this case. ;)

And just tell your coworkers that your laughing at something one of the voices in your head said, and they won't ask again. It works for me. *snicker*

Mucho thankses.

Ack!

[mahoy.livejournal.com]

There was laughter, tears ... and screams of agony!
Very funny. I winced accordingly.

Re: Ack!

[micehell]

screams of agony
Ah, just what I was aiming for. I guess I'm just glad you're into pain, as it were. ;) Thanks!

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

Shep McBaggy Pants strikes again. *g*

This was a lot of fun.

[micehell]

Well, I couldn't help myself. At least I didn't specify *where* in his pants he smuggled them. ;D

Mucho thankses.

[mightbeme.livejournal.com]

Hee, very funny, way to send me off to bed with a smirk on my face. Loved it.

[micehell]

Yay, I'm glad you liked it. Mucho thankses.

[julad.livejournal.com]

I snorted wine when I realised where you were going with this. My eyes are still watering but I can't get the grin off my face. So wrong, and yet... *g*

[micehell]

and yet... so wrong. *snicker*

I'm glad you liked it, and I'm sorry about the snorting thing, 'cause that just sounds painful. ;)

[sethoz.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

That is great... I'm seeing Rodney as a Samurai but perhaps more scary, John as a Geisha... a female one.

Ack! It BUUURRNS!

[micehell]

I see John as a geisha where the hair on the wig's all standing up... 'cause that hair's just a force of nature, damn it. And Rodney can be a samurai ala John Belushi. Of course, all of that's still scary, but wtf. ;D

[delurker.livejournal.com]

*snickers*
Oh, that's classic. I love the interjections. Hee!

[micehell]

Yay, I had fun with those. Happy you liked it. :)

[out-there.livejournal.com]

*giggles so much she can't breathe*

The idea of Rodney writing the really bad Mills'n'Boon romances is hilarious, but John criticising it is even better.

[micehell]

Ah, but John had to criticize because Rodney was wasting time on the story that he could have been using for sex... well, and because the story really was appalling. ;) It seemed to have worked out Ok in the end though. *snicker*

[not-sally.livejournal.com]

It was great. Who needs plot anyway?

[micehell]

Thanks... and obviously not me. ;)

[mercuriosity.livejournal.com]

"I knew you'd come for me."

-- "Though at this rate, it's going to take forever."

That line--and, basically, the whole thing--made me giggle. A lot. What a brilliantly cracked-out scenario. :)

[lishel_fracrium.livejournal.com]

*cackles* *can't breathe* *thud*

[micehell]

Oh, no. Now the story's inducing asthma in people. So sad. ;)