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sga_flashficHeh. Okay. It's not precisely Harlequin, but I feel that it fits the genre, somehow... Just. It's crack. Obviously.
My Fair Linguist
by Pares
Shielding his head with his laptop case, Professor Rodney McKay stepped out from under the hotel awning and made a dash for the street.
"Taxi! Taxi! Zelenka, how do you say 'taxi' in Czech anyway?"
"'Taxi'," Zelenka answered, finally, looking amused. Zelenka rarely looked anything other than amused, and as he was also twinkly and cuddly-looking and absurdly accented, pretty young grad students thronged him at every conference. Playboy, Rodney sneered privately.
"Yes, yes, very funny. Colonel Zelenka, everybody, he'll be here all week." Rodney flailed his arms at another passing yellow cab, jumping back before earning a face full of road splash. "Apparently, I meant that literally. Why is it you can never get a cab when it's raining? We'll never make it back for Fauconnier's seminar."
The words were hardly out of his mouth before a sort of minivan pulled up in front of them. Blue lettering proclaimed it a member of the Puddle Jumper Van Pool.
"This should do nicely, actually. Well, all in." Rodney opened the door and saw a tall man with a thick shock of dark hair behind the wheel. "Uh, thanks for stopping."
The man looked faintly surprised.
"I didn't, mister. I'm here to take those kids to their karate class." He nodded past Rodney, who turned around to see a flock of uniformed ten-year-olds goggling at him.
"Oh. My mistake."
"It could happen to anybody," the driver said easily. Still, rain was beginning to soak the collar of his tweed jacket, and Rodney didn't like his chances of getting a cab, and if he wasn't there to call Gilles on his ridiculous theories of metonymies and image schemas, who would?
"But I wonder… could you take us anyway? I'll pay you a hundred bucks." He rifled through his pockets, flipping through pink notes, and came up with a roll of bills. "American," he promised.
The guy just stared at him, and eventually Zelenka took Rodney's arm and said, "Professor McKay, even you, who is said to have made every teaching assistant ever assigned to you cry, would not steal a bus from schoolchildren? In the rain?"
"What? Of course not." He appealed to the driver, holding out a now soggy hundred dollar bill. "I meant, you know, in addition to the kids. After you've seen that they've all toddled safely off to class to learn new and exciting ways to cause each other irreparable bodily harm."
The driver grinned at him.
"I guess I could. But let the kids in first, wouldja? And Aidan," the driver addressed a taller kid, maybe fifteen, his arms folded across his chest. "Keep an eye on these two, huh?"
Rodney passed a rather harrowing quarter of an hour, during which Zelenka told stories to the raptly attentive children on his side of the bus about Old Bodrik and the Wolf, young Aidan made him the focus of a truly impressive stink-eye and some brute in pigtails kicked the back of Rodney's chair every time they ran a yellow light, which was fairly often. Eventually, however, the kids clambered out of the van, and Rodney was able to direct the driver to 655 West 34th Street.
"So, you guys are going to the convention center, huh?"
"Yes. The Sixth Annual National Cognitive Linguistics Conference, in fact."
"We are presenting joint paper on standardizing an international sign language," Zelenka offered. "Very revolutionary."
"But that's small potatoes next my research in cognitive neuroscience," Rodney said smugly.
"So you're a medical doctor?" The driver met Rodney's eyes briefly in the van's mirror.
"Technically," said Rodney, waving a dismissive hand, "But I've also got Ph.Ds in linguistics and electrical engineering. Sort of a scientific jack of all trades, if you will."
"So that would make you master of none?" The driver drawled.
"I'll have you know that I've presented papers on teaching AIs to think, in fact I've--" Wait, wait, security clearance, crap. "--well, never mind that. Anyway, could you maybe, I don't know, keep your eyes on the road? Americans."
Zelenka, as usual, only looked amused.
"You're not American?" The driver looked surprised again, from what Rodney could see in the rearview mirror.
"Of course not," Rodney snapped. "I'm Canadian."
"So you're from the country of hockey and maple syrup, eh?"
"Oh, thank you for that mindless oversimplification of a country with a rich traditional history."
"Of hockey and maple syrup," said the driver, whose name, according to the hack license and the name stenciled neatly below it, was John Sheppard.
"I've never been so insulted in all my life," lied Rodney. This didn't hold a candle to the time Grodin had called his ancestry into question over iconicism in Edinburgh in '99.
He saw Sheppard smirk in the mirror and mouth an exaggerated 'been'. The guy probably couldn't pick out a full glottal stop in a police lineup, and he was insulting Rodney's pronunciation?
"I'll have you know that Canadians invented basketball, the Hydrofoil, the pacemaker and instant mashed potato flakes."
"Potato flakes?" Both Sheppard and Zelenka, who wore matching masks of incredulity, uttered this in stereo.
"Yes. Dehydrated potato flakes, Edward A. Asselbergs, 1962." Prompted by Zelenka's raised eyebrow he continued, "What? They're delicious, and they last forever."
As Zelenka shook his head, Sheppard chimed in, "So what, exactly, is traditional about pacemakers and potato flakes?"
"You know what? I'm not here to give lessons in cultural diversity. Are we there yet?"
"As a matter of fact, we are." Sheppard pulled into the center's drive, and let them out.
Grimly, Rodney held out the crumpled bill, but Sheppard waved it away.
"Just tell me something, Professor McKay," and Rodney paused, a bit confused. "Why sign language?"
"My sister Jeanne," he said without thinking. "She was born deaf."
He stared as Sheppard made a few nimble signs and then grinned at him before standing up and reaching back to slide the van door closed.
"Take care, you two."
And then he drove away.
"Professor McKay? Rodney?" Distantly, he heard Zelenka calling him, and he shook his head to clear it. "What, he said something? More with the insults to your homeland?"
"No, nothing like that. It's just-- he apparently knows sign language. He said 'Bell, 1908'."
"I am not familiar with reference."
"Alexander Graham Bell. He was an American, you know, the phone guy? He worked on the Hydrofoil with Casey Baldwin. Huh."
"Not just another pretty face, then," Zelenka murmured, and it took a fair amount of Rodney's reserve not to kick him in the shins.
"Save what passes for your 'wit' for the next round of leggy TA's, why don't you?"
And together they walked into the conference center.
*
Okay, then, Rodney runs into John somewhere touristy while he and Zelenka check out the city, and they find out that John has lost his job because, "It seems that the parents weren't too crazy about me picking up two strange men while in the middle of delivering their kids," and Rodney feels slightly guilty about this, and makes a bet with Zelenka that there's a paper in studying the cognitive neurology of teaching an American to speak like a Canadian, and awkwardly offers to pay John ridiculous amounts of money to be a test subject, and by the way John has also been squeezed out of his tiny many-roomated apartment, and then they all go back to Rodney's CAL lab and live in Rodney's handsome two-story Tudor house, and there are a whole bunch of scenes where Rodney tries to get John to say "aboot" while cramming his mouth with square after square of Dairy Milk, and Zelenka is sneaking him the good Canadian beer on the sly, which Rodney has been withholding because of John's mulish insistence on being pro-American, and then there's a whole montage where they sing about how John wants to rip Rodney's head off and stuff him down a laundry chute, but then he accidentally says "Cut me some slack, Rodney, I think I'm making some real progress, here" and then they do that linking arms and swinging around bit in celebration, and they present the paper and Rodney is outrageously rude and smug and also drunk and there is some making out that Rodney doesn't remember the next morning, and Zelenka giving Rodney exasperated looks, and then John, who is of course tremendously useful at everything and becomes somehow integral to Rodney's every day life, then gets a linguistics fellowship to a big ten school, because he was really a grad student in cognitive neuroscience himself!, and seeing as how Rodney doesn't appreciate him, he leaves, and Rodney freaks out after John's gone and wonders how he'll ever go on without him and then John shows up, saying he was able to swing a fat grant and a paid internship at CAL because of his mad linguistic skillz and his ability to work with Rodney and get ever-more-brilliant work out of him, and Rodney hunches down in his easychair and demands his slippers, and John then pegs him in the head with them, right before he drags Rodney out of the chair for a bone-melting kiss followed immediately by a desperately sexy and grateful blowjob provided by Rodney.
The End
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-04 11:53 pm (UTC)namaste SF Nancy
why thank you!
Date: 2005-09-05 01:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:00 am (UTC)hee.
Date: 2005-09-05 01:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:03 am (UTC)Actually, Alexander Bell was Scottish. I know the Americans love to claim him as one of their own, but nope, sorry. At various points in his life, he lived in Scotland, Canada and America, and although he was living in America when he invented the telephone, he wasn't American.
d'oh!
Date: 2005-09-05 01:49 am (UTC)Re: d'oh!
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2005-09-05 03:01 am (UTC) - ExpandRe: d'oh!
From:Re: d'oh!
From:Re: d'oh!
From:Re: d'oh!
From:(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:21 am (UTC)OMGWTFPolarBear!
Bwah!
::falls out of chair::
crack!
Date: 2005-09-05 01:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:26 am (UTC)Damn, you should write the whole thing if you have time sometime. The first part was great, just wish there was more!
well
Date: 2005-09-05 01:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:37 am (UTC)M.
... and then you race to the finish
Date: 2005-09-05 01:52 am (UTC)Ta dah! (g)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:45 am (UTC)*snickers*
Loves
hooray!
Date: 2005-09-05 01:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:58 am (UTC)I don't know why this in particular tickled me so much. I think it's my domesticity kink. ;) I especially loved all of Rodney's dialogue in this too--very Rodney, Rodneyesque, Rodneyish.
I'm still not entirely sure how flower girl translates into karate-school chauffer, but it is a charming mystery. I also thought the entire story was set in Czecho-Slovakia, but on re-examining the text, I think I was mistaken. *g*
Rodney is very Henry Higgins, by the way. You are inspired.
And now I take liberties with your words:
"But that's small mashed potatoes flakes next my research in cognitive neuroscience," Rodney said smugly.
just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait!
Date: 2005-09-05 01:58 am (UTC)I don't know why this in particular tickled me so much. I think it's my domesticity kink. ;)
Oddly, I was thinking of you when I threw that in. Or perhaps it isn't odd at all. (g)
I especially loved all of Rodney's dialogue in this too--very Rodney, Rodneyesque, Rodneyish.
Yay!
I'm still not entirely sure how flower girl translates into karate-school chauffer
It's all done with mirrors.
, but it is a charming mystery. I also thought the entire story was set in Czecho-Slovakia, but on re-examining the text, I think I was mistaken. *g*
And I see why you would think that, but it seemed funny enough to leave in.
Rodney is very Henry Higgins, by the way. You are inspired.
Yes, and inspired, I don't doubt, by this lovely icon, courtesy of
And now I take liberties with your words:
"But that's small mashed potatoes flakes next my research in cognitive neuroscience," Rodney said smugly.
::giggling::
We're such dorks.
Re: just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait!
From:(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 01:16 am (UTC)it can't all be the rain in Spain, you know.
Date: 2005-09-05 01:59 am (UTC)True story. (g)
Re: it can't all be the rain in Spain, you know.
From:Re: it can't all be the rain in Spain, you know.
From:(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 01:19 am (UTC)::snorts::
The beginning is totally abfab.
I do apologize
Date: 2005-09-05 02:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 01:57 am (UTC)that was actually the first visual I seized on
Date: 2005-09-05 02:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 02:16 am (UTC)::curtsies::
Date: 2005-09-05 02:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 02:18 am (UTC)::gasp::
::wheeze::
This may be the only time in my entire life that fanfiction has provided me with the opportunity to geek out in my very own professional field (or close enough)! I'm so thrilled!
when personal interests collide!
Date: 2005-09-05 02:29 am (UTC)Re: when personal interests collide!
From:Re: when personal interests collide!
From:(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 02:51 am (UTC)I take it
Date: 2005-09-05 02:56 am (UTC)Re: I take it
From:Re: I take it
From:Re: I take it
From:Re: I take it
From:(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 03:28 am (UTC)This is AWESOME. *heart*
well
Date: 2005-09-05 03:45 am (UTC)blamecredit you with the idea. (g)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 03:57 am (UTC)And I really do hope that someday I'll travel to an alternate dimension where My Fair Lady ends with Eliza conking Higgins on the head with this slippers. :)
well, to be fair
Date: 2005-09-05 04:06 am (UTC)I'm so glad you liked it.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 04:52 am (UTC)it was fun to write
Date: 2005-09-05 04:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 05:10 am (UTC):)
glad you thought so
Date: 2005-09-05 04:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 05:35 am (UTC)Oh man, Rodney teaching John to speak Canadian would be the funniest thing ever! I only wish they would actually do an episode with that. And like everyone else, I adore the imagery of John throwing the slippers at Rodney, then kissing him! Wonderful crack!fic.
sweet, sweet crack
Date: 2005-09-05 04:05 pm (UTC)John knows sign language because his best friend growing up (Teyla!) was deaf. Sure, why not.
Re: sweet, sweet crack
From:Re: sweet, sweet crack
From:(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 08:03 am (UTC)I kept thinking
Date: 2005-09-05 04:06 pm (UTC)Re: I kept thinking
From:(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:09 pm (UTC)...and then John, who is of course tremendously useful at everything and becomes somehow integral to Rodney's every day life...
It's funny 'cuz it's true, in almost every good McShep fic I read. LOL! Lots of fun, babe. ;D
it's also integral
Date: 2005-09-05 04:07 pm (UTC)I'm so glad you had fun with this.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:40 pm (UTC)ah yes, the quick and dirty outline
Date: 2005-09-05 04:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 12:54 pm (UTC)glad you liked it.
Date: 2005-09-05 04:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 01:36 pm (UTC)This is just too adorable (of course, in the original, Henry Higgins and Colonel Pickering are clearly in love, but, you know. This works really, really well.)
Hmm. Elizabeth as Mrs. Pickering. Teyla as Freddy, maybe?
You mean Higgins' mom?
Date: 2005-09-05 04:13 pm (UTC)Re: You mean Higgins' mom?
From:(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-05 04:49 pm (UTC)only the best for you
Date: 2005-09-05 05:35 pm (UTC)