sga_flashfic | Queer Eye for the Atlantis Guy, by Ekaterinn

ekaterinn.livejournal.com posting in

Title: Queer Eye for the Atlantis Guy
Summary: The Fab Five come to Atlantis. I blame fandom.
Pairings: Sheppard/Other, McKay/Sheppard
Notes: For the Food and Building Challenge. Also includes fashion tips, parties and hair gel. Many, many thanks to

wordwitch and

stillane for betaing this. The quality of the crack would have been much poorer without their generous help. Thanks too, to

surreul, who also offered to beta. About 2500 words.

O. Mission: Atlantis

It was a perfect afternoon on Atlantis. No Wraith. No Genii. No mysterious explosions in vaguely alcohol-smelling labs that Elizabeth would have to pretend she didn’t know about.

Quiet.

Calm.

Until the Stargate activated and wouldn’t let them put the shield up, closing the wormhole only when five strangers had walked into the gateroom.

Five rather hot male strangers at that. Wearing sunglasses. They were all carrying shopping bags and looking around, bewildered, seemingly unfazed by the large amount of guns pointed at them. Elizabeth wasn’t sure, but she rather thought the sunglasses were Gucci.

Rodney, of course, threw a fit. “Did we trip an Infinite Improbability Drive or something? Because this should not be able to happen!”

“Maybe it’s the Pegasus Galaxy version of a transport beam?” John chimed in. Elizabeth sent him a warning look. He shrugged. “It’s just as plausible.”

“Thank for that brilliant piece of insight, Colonel.” Rodney’s voice could have cut glass. “But the sensors are saying that they’re from Earth and unless either Cheyenne or Antarctica have acquired a Macy’s since I was there last, there’s no rational explanation for their presence here.”

Which is when the blond man at the head of the group took off the sunglasses and suggested it was a side-effect of the after-Christmas sale at Macy’s.

Elizabeth intervened before it got too violent. There was a reason she was the diplomat here.

1. Fashion Savant

“You must be Mr. Kressley,” Beckett said, reaching out with his hand.

“How did you know?” The other man asked. “And call me Carson. Mr. Kressley sounds like my publicist scolding me,” he said, shaking the proffered hand.

“Process of elimination. Elizabeth ordered all of you to be medically checked out, and you’re the last one in here.” Becket grinned and couldn’t resist adding, “You can call me Carson too. No reason to be formal when we share the same name.”

The other Carson chuckled. “I never really liked playing doctor as a kid,” he confessed, “I much preferred playing dress-up.” He grinned. “In fact, I’m actually escaping the horrible blue and tan combo out there,” he said, jerking his head toward the door.

“Scientists aren’t exactly known for their fashion sense,” Becket agreed, fiddling with the scanner. He thought he liked this Carson; it was a refreshing change to have someone in the infirmary who was more interested in critiquing the uniforms than his medical abilities.

“Tell me about it. If I’d known I was coming here, I would have done a hell of lot more shopping.” He rolled his eyes.

“I’m sure the infirmary is just as bad, though. All our white coats.”

“Oh, I don’t know. They have very clean lines.” Carson’s eyes travel down Beckett’s body appreciatively. Beckett suddenly felt very naked, despite the lab coat. “And white is so in this season.”

2. Grooming Guru

“Kyan, right?” said John. The guy stood with his arm raised to knock, looking a bit sheepish.

“Right,” he said. Well, sheepish, but still cool. Maybe a bit nervous too. That was fine; John knew all about being cool when you were anything but. “And you’re Sheppard.” It wasn’t a question.

“Call me John.” he drawled, drawing his eyes down to the small blue shopping bag Kyan was carrying. “What can I do for you?” Kyan smiled back, long and lazy, as he slowly pulled a small white cylinder from the bag.

And John forgot all about being cool. “That’s hair gel.”

“New Paul Mitchell product.” Kyan’s eyes lit up, as if he’d just pulled a puddle jumper out of a hat. “I know a guy in a salon.”

“You. In here. Now.” John managed.

“So I’m guessing you wouldn’t mind if I styled your hair?” Kyan smirked, walking past John into the room. “It might be a while before we can get back to Earth. A stylist has got to stay in practice.”

John thought shut and lock at the door. It closed with a definite click, but Kyan was looking at him. At his hair.

“Kyan,” he growled. “Right now, I wouldn’t mind if you crashed my puddle jumper and fed Elizabeth to the Wraith.”

“So I’m also guessing that you’re not involved with Dr. McKay?” Kyan grinned and wriggled the tube of gel. Damnit, John knew when he was being teased.

“Aliens sometime force me and McKay to have sex.” He took one step towards Kyan, and then another. “Then we get drunk and pretend it never happened.” John stopped only a couple of inches from him, placing one hand on the wall behind him. “It’s a thing.”

“I…see.” This time, Kyan’s smile was purely anticipatory.

“Good.” John leaned forward until his lips were only a breath away from Kyan’s. “Now, about that style I was promised...”

3. Design Doctor

“Thanks for showing me around,” Thom said, tilting his head up to look at the skylight over the southern pier.

“No problem,” Radek replied. And it wasn’t; Rodney was still sulking and Thom was incredibly curious about Atlantis. All of it, from the labs to the piers, the glowing lights and tapered walls.

Also, he was cute.

Radek smiled to himself and imagined showing Thom what he could do with a wrench, a flashlight and some crystals in one of the more remote labs. The results would be spectacular. It’d even be worth incurring Rodney’s wrath when he discovered that Radek had been playing around with new tech without him.

“Though it’s hard to believe that humans live here.” Thom added. “You guys could do more to fix it up. I bet those Athosian weavings would look great as wall hangings.”

Radek’s fantasy stuttered to a halt. For a few critical seconds, he couldn’t find words at all, much less words in English. “Atlantis is perfect,” he finally managed.

“From an engineering standpoint, maybe.” Thom told him, smiling as if he hadn’t just committed blasphemy. “Design-wise, it could use some plants. And carpet.”

All Radek could do was to stare at him in horror. He was going to have to feed Thom to Ronon, just to make sure those dangerous ideas didn’t go any farther.

Maybe Rodney, with his talking-with-his-mouth-full habit and his tendency to insult Radek’s brains and ancestry and lack of sexy nipples, would be the better choice after all.

4. Food & Wine Connoisseur

Food, thought Rodney. I almost have that equation worked out, I just need food. Except. There was already somebody else in the kitchen. At 3 AM. “What the fuck?” he said out loud. “Nobody’s ever in the kitchen now except me.”

The kitchen invader gave him a look that obviously meant: apparently not. Or something like that. Great, now Rodney had a headache as well as hunger pangs. Then his brain spit out some information he had previously tagged as useless. “Wait, you’re one of the improbably queer guys, right?”

The man gave Rodney another funny look. “My name’s Ted.”

“I totally knew that.”

Ted raised an eyebrow.

“I did.” Okay, this was getting ridiculous. “Anyway, shouldn’t you be in bed, like all good - oh, wow, is that chicken noodle soup you’re making?” Rodney took a big sniff and it was. “God, I didn’t know that anything could smell that good and not be takeout.”

Now Ted was looking at him like he had lost his mind, but said, “It’s traditional comfort food. I miss Earth. I miss Barry.” The last part was said so quietly that Rodney almost didn’t catch it. Barry must be - oh, come on, what did they decide to call it now? - Ted’s life partner.

“Look,” Rodney told him, looking down at the counter, “even if I - and we’re talking about the best mind in two galaxies here - can’t figure out a way to get you guys home, the Daedalus is scheduled to stop at Atlantis in a couple of months anyway.” He shrugged. “Either way, you’ll get back to Earth.”

He glanced up to find Ted grinning at him. It was disconcerting, but better than having the man looking like a puppy he’d just kicked.

“Do you want some of the soup?” Ted asked, still scarily smiling.

“Oh, hell yes,” Rodney agreed. “Oh, no, wait, it doesn’t have citrus in it, does it? I’m deathly allergic to citrus; it’s very bad for -”

“It’s chicken noodle soup!”

“That doesn’t mean you couldn’t have done some highly questionable fusion cuisine thing to it!”

“No,” Ted said as he ladled some of the soup into a bowl. “No citrus, no fusion. Just enjoy.”

“Okay, okay.” Rodney grabbed the bowl and a spoon and leaned on the far side of the counter, watching Ted work. The soup smelled orgasmic. It was probably going to kill him from sheer sensory overload alone. But Rodney couldn’t bring himself to care. He eagerly lifted the first steaming spoonful to his mouth.

Besides, the way Ted’s glasses glinted off the kitchenware was the hottest thing he’d seen since the last time aliens had drugged him and Sheppard and forced them to have sex.

5. Culture Vulture

Elizabeth took her tray and surveyed the room. One of their guests, Jai, was sitting by himself and poking at his food. She smiled, because he looked like a wolf cub lost from his pack, and slid in across from him. “How are you finding Atlantis?”

“Huh?” He glanced up, eyes wide and surprised. “It’s very cool, Dr. Weir. I mean, wow, a mythical city in another galaxy.” His voice was full of awe.

Elizabeth had to stifle a giggle, because Jai sounded a lot like Rodney just then. Not that she would tell Rodney that.

Well, not unless he blew up another solar system.

“Please, call me Elizabeth,” she said instead. “You’re not under my command.”

“All right, Elizabeth,” he agreed. “Then maybe you can clear up a question I have.”

“Ask away.” She spread her hands out, unthreatening.

“Are you, like, going to erase our memories when we finally get back to Earth?” Jai looked serious and a bit scared. “I mean, another galaxy, aliens and you know, military secrets and all.”

Elizabeth couldn’t help herself this time. She covered her mouth, but giggles still escaped. “No - I doubt we have the technology and besides -” she leaned towards him like she was the one with a secret, “who would believe you?”

Jai grinned at that. “Then I can plot my party with a clear conscience.”

Elizabeth frowned. “Party?”

“Why not? From what people are saying, you guys haven’t had a party in a really long time.” He tilted his head towards her. “Unless you would prefer me to give dancing lessons instead?”

The image of Jai trying to teach Bates how to dance was amusing. The image of him showing Kavanaugh waltz steps was...rather terrifying, actually. “No,” said Elizabeth faintly.

“So. Party?” He bounced in his seat. “It’s my way of saying thanks.”

Elizabeth had to give in. “Go ahead.” Jai’s mouth quirked up, making him look insufferably smug. Really, Elizabeth had to stop comparing Jai to Rodney.

Preferably before she slipped up and called the scientist Jai in a briefing. Rodney would probably pipe Celine Dion throughout the city in retaliation. Again.

6. Epilogue: Making It Better

"Where are we going?" asked Jai.

"Secret observation room," Thom said.

"There's a secret observation room?" Ted asked, frowning.

"Radek showed it to me when I offered to redecorate his lab." Thom told him. "Then he told me to look up Sheppard and have him show me the mainland."

"Now, there's a guy who's open to design ideas." Kyan laughed.

"At least Thom had access to materials," Carson groused, settling down on one of the room's couches. "If there's a secret observation room, why can't there be a Bloomingdale's? Or at least a Banana Republic."

"Oh, shut up and enjoy the show," Thom said, flicking a switch. The clear screen at the end of the room came on, showing them the party they had just sneaked out of. Carson threw popcorn at him.

"C'mon, people, don't waste food," Ted said. "You're lucky I brought along some of the stuffed mushrooms." He flourished the plate and set it down on the table.

Jai reached for one. "I think I love you."

"No, that's McKay," Thom argued. "Have you seen the way he looks when he eats Ted's cooking?" He gestured towards the screen, which was showing McKay eating a piece of chocolate cake. His expression bordered on the obscene.

The whole group was silent for a moment. Then Carson said, "Yeah, that's pretty bad. And by bad, I mean hot."

"Nah," Kyan said, shaking his head. "Just watch him flirt with Sheppard sometime." He pointed at the screen, where McKay was now arguing with Sheppard. "Can you say eyefuck? I told John to get off his ass and do something about it - though only after I leave."

Ted giggled. "Don't aliens make them have sex anyway?"

"I think it'll mean more without the presence of aliens," Thom said.

"Maybe they're just kinky," suggested Jai.

"Who?" Ted asked, "McKay and Sheppard or the aliens?"

"Now children, behave," Carson chided, grabbing the last handful of popcorn. "Mmmm." He licked the salt from his lips. "Jai, this party was a wonderful idea."

Jai grinned. "Glad to be of service."

"In fact, I think we've all done fabulous things here," Carson continued. "Even without a single boutique, I managed to convince the science team of the importance of accessorizing and to introduce Ronon to colors other than brown."

"You still couldn't get them to change that frightening blue and tan uniform, though," Kyan pointed out.

"Oh, please. That's something that's beyond even a fashion god," Carson retorted.

Ted cut in. "I wrote out about a hundred recipes from memory. And persuaded the kitchen staff that overcooking mysterious alien meat does not make it magically edible."

"I feel like I've been the least successful," Thom said. "Though at least they now have live plants."

Kyan nodded. "I've sacrificed two tubes of my Paul Mitchell Super Clean Sculpting Gel to the one guy on the planet able to appreciate them." He pursed his lips. "I also chopped off Kavanaugh’s ponytail."

Jai laughed. "Though you haven't just been giving out beauty tips. At least to Sheppard."

"Hey! My personal life is none of your business." He jabbed Jai with his elbow.

"Ow!" Jai said, sticking his tongue out at Kyan.

"The point is," Carson interrupted, "that we managed to go to a whole another galaxy and make things better." He jerked his head towards the screen. People were milling around, talking to each other and laughing. A few were even dancing. In fact, as the group watched, Dr. Zelenka shyly came up to Dr. Weir and stuttered something about taking a spin around the floor.

"That's true," said Thom, brightening.

Ted nodded as well. "I think this calls for a toast. He lifted his wineglass. "To Atlantis and to being fabulous a long way from home."

"To Atlantis!" The others chorused.

THE END. Really. I mean it.

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From:

dzurlady.livejournal.com

*loves*

“I’m sure the infirmary is just as bad, though. All our white coats.”

“Oh, I don’t know. They have very clean lines.” Carson’s eyes travel down Beckett’s body appreciatively. Beckett suddenly felt very naked, despite the lab coat. “And white is so in this season.”

And Sheppard and the hair gel! Bwee!

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