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sga_flashficTitle: Performance-Based Acquisition
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
haphazardmethod
Challenge: Documentation
Rating: R
Spoilers: None
Summary: The Reinventing Government reform effort reaches Atlantis.
From: Elizabeth Weir
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: Procurement regulations
The Acquisition Technology and Logistics branch of the Department of Defense is reviewing procurement performance, and we have to submit a report on our 20 most recent items procured off-world. On that list of 20 is the ZPM we acquired on WMF-045. I think you are the person best qualified to prepare the material for review. I have attached the form and instructions.
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Elizabeth Weir
Re: Re: Procurement regulations
This is your revenge for the incident on PHJ-987, isn't it. I told you, that wasn't my fault.
From: Elizabeth Weir
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: Not at all
The "incident" you refer to required six days of negotiating before the residents of PHJ-987 would agree to re-establish trading relations. Where by "negotiating," I mean "sitting by attentively while natives enact a redressive ritual involving painting the team black and then red and then white." I'm as ardent a fan of ritual as the next anthropologist, but there will be consequences if I ever again to have to listen to Dr. McKay complain in fetishistic detail about potentially life-threatening allergic reactions and white paint in his various bodily crevasses. However, as leader of this expedition, I am well aware that revenge is unseemly and personally I am above such petty considerations. I suggest that you reconsider your previous statement.
In any case, that all occurred on PHJ-987 and I am referring to a different mission, the ZPM you acquired on WMF-045. Your post-mission report was short on details and so it falls to you to process this form.
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Elizabeth Weir
Re: Re: Not at all
Not. My. Fault.
From: Elizabeth Weir
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: Crevasses
Fill out the form.
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Dr. Rodney McKay
Re: ZPM
Elizabeth has "delegated" paperwork about the ZPM as part of some official procurement review. I hate you.
From: Rodney McKay
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: ZPM
Is this about the Incident?
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Rodney McKay
Re: ZPM
Of course it's about the Incident. Have I mentioned lately that I hate you?
From: Rodney McKay
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: ZPM
I had nothing to do with what happened on PHJ-987. That was all you and your incessant gun fondling. Also, as I recall, she didn't mind the team report so much when it came to describing Ronan's... reaction to the painting. Though under the circumstances, I can see how it would be in your best self-interest to forego reminding her about that.
What are you going to tell her about Planet Precious Bodily Fluids ?
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Rodney McKay
Re: Me?
I wouldn't have had my gun in my hands if you hadn't freaked them all out by drooling over the chief's wife.
I have no idea what to put in this form.
From: Rodney McKay
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: No it wasn't
She smelled like coffee but I was not drooling. Appreciating, if anything, and in the end it was my discovery of their almost-coffee that made the trade negotiations worthwhile, even with the (fortunately for all of us but especially for me non-allergenic and non-psychoactive) bodypaint.
Because I am legendary for my beneficence, and also because my computer diagnostic is still running, if you send me the form, I will see what I can do.
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Rodney McKay
Re: You drooled. It was unseemly.
Beneficence. Legendary would be one word for it, yes. Form attached.
From: Rodney McKay
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: ha ha
You know, I've often thought honesty is the best policy. Here's your form. Glad I could help.
Identifier: 1-800-CALL-JOHN
Date: 2/4/05
POC for this Action: Col. John Sheppard, Atlantis
Description of Item Purchased: Crystal-based power source based on wormhole technology.
Performance period: None of this will be necessary when my current research on nanostructured hybrid materials is complete. I expect this to take no longer than two years, though certain steps along the way will require declassification before I can submit my work to the proper channels for consideration for the Nobel Prize, which I will win without a doubt because Steinmetz' work in this area is criminally, completely and thoroughly wrong.
Total Amount of Purchase: An hour of our time (and may I add that an hour of my time is an invaluable resource), some sacrifice of personal dignity, and several teaspoons of seminal fluid.
Payment schedule: One hour.
Solicitation Procedure: They demanded we perform or there would be no ZPM and possibly bloodshed. I am too valuable a resource to be killed by Stone-Age grunts wearing kilts.
Type of Action: Sexual intercourse.
# of Offers Received: 5. This Kirk business has got to stop.
Authority for Other than Full & Open Competition: Open competition? Over my dead body.
Ordering Activity: Oral sex, anal sex.
Selected Vendor: Dr. Rodney McKay.
Describe how the contract and task order or other arrangement was performance-based: The grunts made it clear that without performance on both our parts, culminating in public orgasms, the terms of the agreement would be unfilled. Despite what some people seem to think, scientists are as creative and focused in their sex lives as they are in their field of scientific expertise. I have spent many hours discovering exactly what makes Col. Sheppard come so hard he can neither speak nor move. This detailed knowledge was utilized in our efforts to get in and out of there with a ZPM and no wounds as quickly as possible. As both those obejectives were achieved, I rest my case.
Post Award Administration: The Colonel spent about 30 minutes in a haze but eventually recovered full use of his faculties, such as they are.
Government Satisfaction with Contract Performance: We have the ZPM, don't we?
From: Sean Rodmeyer
To: Radek Zelenka
Re: Computing services
Please remind Dr. McKay that all e-mail traffic is monitored. And oh yeah, you owe me $50.
Author:
haphazardmethodChallenge: Documentation
Rating: R
Spoilers: None
Summary: The Reinventing Government reform effort reaches Atlantis.
From: Elizabeth Weir
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: Procurement regulations
The Acquisition Technology and Logistics branch of the Department of Defense is reviewing procurement performance, and we have to submit a report on our 20 most recent items procured off-world. On that list of 20 is the ZPM we acquired on WMF-045. I think you are the person best qualified to prepare the material for review. I have attached the form and instructions.
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Elizabeth Weir
Re: Re: Procurement regulations
This is your revenge for the incident on PHJ-987, isn't it. I told you, that wasn't my fault.
From: Elizabeth Weir
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: Not at all
The "incident" you refer to required six days of negotiating before the residents of PHJ-987 would agree to re-establish trading relations. Where by "negotiating," I mean "sitting by attentively while natives enact a redressive ritual involving painting the team black and then red and then white." I'm as ardent a fan of ritual as the next anthropologist, but there will be consequences if I ever again to have to listen to Dr. McKay complain in fetishistic detail about potentially life-threatening allergic reactions and white paint in his various bodily crevasses. However, as leader of this expedition, I am well aware that revenge is unseemly and personally I am above such petty considerations. I suggest that you reconsider your previous statement.
In any case, that all occurred on PHJ-987 and I am referring to a different mission, the ZPM you acquired on WMF-045. Your post-mission report was short on details and so it falls to you to process this form.
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Elizabeth Weir
Re: Re: Not at all
Not. My. Fault.
From: Elizabeth Weir
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: Crevasses
Fill out the form.
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Dr. Rodney McKay
Re: ZPM
Elizabeth has "delegated" paperwork about the ZPM as part of some official procurement review. I hate you.
From: Rodney McKay
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: ZPM
Is this about the Incident?
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Rodney McKay
Re: ZPM
Of course it's about the Incident. Have I mentioned lately that I hate you?
From: Rodney McKay
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: ZPM
I had nothing to do with what happened on PHJ-987. That was all you and your incessant gun fondling. Also, as I recall, she didn't mind the team report so much when it came to describing Ronan's... reaction to the painting. Though under the circumstances, I can see how it would be in your best self-interest to forego reminding her about that.
What are you going to tell her about Planet Precious Bodily Fluids ?
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Rodney McKay
Re: Me?
I wouldn't have had my gun in my hands if you hadn't freaked them all out by drooling over the chief's wife.
I have no idea what to put in this form.
From: Rodney McKay
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: No it wasn't
She smelled like coffee but I was not drooling. Appreciating, if anything, and in the end it was my discovery of their almost-coffee that made the trade negotiations worthwhile, even with the (fortunately for all of us but especially for me non-allergenic and non-psychoactive) bodypaint.
Because I am legendary for my beneficence, and also because my computer diagnostic is still running, if you send me the form, I will see what I can do.
From: Col. John Sheppard
To: Rodney McKay
Re: You drooled. It was unseemly.
Beneficence. Legendary would be one word for it, yes. Form attached.
From: Rodney McKay
To: Col. John Sheppard
Re: ha ha
You know, I've often thought honesty is the best policy. Here's your form. Glad I could help.
Identifier: 1-800-CALL-JOHN
Date: 2/4/05
POC for this Action: Col. John Sheppard, Atlantis
Description of Item Purchased: Crystal-based power source based on wormhole technology.
Performance period: None of this will be necessary when my current research on nanostructured hybrid materials is complete. I expect this to take no longer than two years, though certain steps along the way will require declassification before I can submit my work to the proper channels for consideration for the Nobel Prize, which I will win without a doubt because Steinmetz' work in this area is criminally, completely and thoroughly wrong.
Total Amount of Purchase: An hour of our time (and may I add that an hour of my time is an invaluable resource), some sacrifice of personal dignity, and several teaspoons of seminal fluid.
Payment schedule: One hour.
Solicitation Procedure: They demanded we perform or there would be no ZPM and possibly bloodshed. I am too valuable a resource to be killed by Stone-Age grunts wearing kilts.
Type of Action: Sexual intercourse.
# of Offers Received: 5. This Kirk business has got to stop.
Authority for Other than Full & Open Competition: Open competition? Over my dead body.
Ordering Activity: Oral sex, anal sex.
Selected Vendor: Dr. Rodney McKay.
Describe how the contract and task order or other arrangement was performance-based: The grunts made it clear that without performance on both our parts, culminating in public orgasms, the terms of the agreement would be unfilled. Despite what some people seem to think, scientists are as creative and focused in their sex lives as they are in their field of scientific expertise. I have spent many hours discovering exactly what makes Col. Sheppard come so hard he can neither speak nor move. This detailed knowledge was utilized in our efforts to get in and out of there with a ZPM and no wounds as quickly as possible. As both those obejectives were achieved, I rest my case.
Post Award Administration: The Colonel spent about 30 minutes in a haze but eventually recovered full use of his faculties, such as they are.
Government Satisfaction with Contract Performance: We have the ZPM, don't we?
From: Sean Rodmeyer
To: Radek Zelenka
Re: Computing services
Please remind Dr. McKay that all e-mail traffic is monitored. And oh yeah, you owe me $50.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-25 11:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:22 pm (UTC)*snort*
Date: 2006-01-25 11:57 pm (UTC)B
Re: *snort*
Date: 2006-01-26 04:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 12:01 am (UTC)*laughing myself sick at this*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 12:04 am (UTC)Please remind Dr. McKay that all e-mail traffic is monitored. And oh yeah, you owe me $50.
*laughs even more*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 12:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 12:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 01:33 am (UTC)::dances the dance of the successful pimp::
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 12:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 12:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 12:38 am (UTC)I loved that last line.
*snicker*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 12:58 am (UTC)And agree, the ending was great!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 01:41 am (UTC)The email to Radek at the end was the icing on the cake *g*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 01:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 01:56 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 02:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 02:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 02:41 am (UTC)That's absolutely perfect. Especially the last e-mail.
Gaining a ZPM for Atlantis: one hour manual labour,
Losing a bet to Rodmeyer: fifty dollars,
Finding out the Aliens made them do it: priceless
There are some things money can't buy. For the rest, there's the SGA crack fandom's solution of having John and Rodney have sex. McShep: it's everywhere you want to be.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 02:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 03:21 am (UTC)And of course, they have less of a problem with aliens making them do it than with Earthlings making them write about it.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:49 pm (UTC)feedback
Date: 2006-01-26 03:37 am (UTC)Re: feedback
Date: 2006-01-26 04:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 03:38 am (UTC)Because Rodney would.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 03:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 03:39 am (UTC)Thanks!
Date: 2006-01-26 04:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 03:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-26 04:53 pm (UTC)