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sga_flashficTitle: Infection Control (Documentation Challenge)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sffan
Pairing: none
Rating: PG
Summary: "So, I’ve what, got space herpes?"
Beckett goes over the results one last time and sighs. He figured something like this would happen eventually, he had just hoped everyone on Atlantis would have been smart enough to avoid this situation.
He activates his comm. “Colonel Sheppard, could you come down to the infirmary for a moment?”
::Can it wait, Doc? I’m in the middle of something:: comes the tinny reply.
“I’m afraid it can’t,” Beckett says.
::All right, be there in a few::
Five minutes later, Colonel Sheppard wanders through the door. “So, what was so urgent you needed to call me on my off day?” he asks.
Beckett gestures him to a seat. Sheppard slouches into it. “There’s no easy way to say this, son, but you’ve managed to pick up a venereal disease.”
Sheppard sits up straight in his chair. “Excuse me? How…” John trails off and blushes at Beckett’s raised eyebrow. “Yeah, um, are you sure?”
“Yes, very. I’ve gone over the tests several times. It was a tricky bugger, let me tell you. It took me a long time to detect and you didn’t come forward with any symptoms…you don’t have any, do you? No discharge, burning sensation when you urinate…”
“No, none of that,” Sheppard answers, not looking at Beckett. “What do I have?”
“Well, that’s the thing, it’s not Earth-based,” Beckett replies.
There’s a long pause, and then Sheppard says in a tight voice, “So, I’ve what, got space herpes?”
Despite himself, Beckett chuckles. “No, lad, more like space gonorrhea. A couple of doses of antibiotic and you’ll be just fine.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” Sheppard slumps slightly in his seat.
“You’ll need to abstain for the duration of the treatment, of course and you’ll have to notify any partners you have on Atlantis,” Beckett says.
“I don’t have any here,” Sheppard answers.
Beckett nods. “All right, let’s get started you started on some meds.”
*********
A few days later, Rodney bursts into the lounge and finds John and Teyla trying to explain football to Ronon. “You!” he exclaims accusingly and points at John. “This is all your fault!”
John looks at Rodney in confusion. “What’s all my fault?”
“This!” Rodney says shaking a sheet of paper in front of John’s face. While Rodney sputters incoherently, John snatches the sheet from him. It’s an official memo.
MEMO
To: All Off-World Teams
From: Dr. Carson Beckett, CMO, Atlantis
Subject: Condoms
From now on, all off-world teams are to carry condoms as standard equipment.
John manages not to blush. “How, exactly, is this my fault?” Teyla takes the memo from John and slowly reads it.
“Oh, please! You’ve had more action in the last six months than everyone else combined! You’re so Captain Kirk, it’s not funny!”
Before John has a chance to reply, Teyla asks, “What are condoms?”
Rodney reaches into his pocket and tosses her a small, flat package. “That’s a condom.”
“You brought them with you?” John asks.
“They came with the memo.”
“I still don’t understand,” Teyla says, having opened the condom.
“They’re used to prevent pregnancy and spread of disease,” Rodney explains, taking it from her and unrolling it. “It goes on over…”
“That’s never going to fit,” Ronon, says, with a smirk.
“Oh, for!” Rodney exclaims with an eye roll. He then proceeds to roll the condom over his hand and partway down his arm. “There, big enough for you now?”
Ronon grins. “Yup.”
John just looks at Rodney with amusement.
“Like you never got bored in sex-ed class,” Rodney says.
“I preferred using them as water balloons, actually,” John replies with a grin.
Rodney’s eyes light up. “Dibs on Kavanaugh.”
John just laughs before Rodney grabs him by the arm and drags him out of the lounge rattling off the names of potential targets.
********
MEMO
To: Everyone
From: Elizabeth Weir
Subject: Inappropriate Use of Condoms
It has come to my attention that some of you have been using the condoms assigned to away teams in an inappropriate fashion. This will come to a halt immediately or strict discipline will be enforced.
Author:
sffanPairing: none
Rating: PG
Summary: "So, I’ve what, got space herpes?"
Beckett goes over the results one last time and sighs. He figured something like this would happen eventually, he had just hoped everyone on Atlantis would have been smart enough to avoid this situation.
He activates his comm. “Colonel Sheppard, could you come down to the infirmary for a moment?”
::Can it wait, Doc? I’m in the middle of something:: comes the tinny reply.
“I’m afraid it can’t,” Beckett says.
::All right, be there in a few::
Five minutes later, Colonel Sheppard wanders through the door. “So, what was so urgent you needed to call me on my off day?” he asks.
Beckett gestures him to a seat. Sheppard slouches into it. “There’s no easy way to say this, son, but you’ve managed to pick up a venereal disease.”
Sheppard sits up straight in his chair. “Excuse me? How…” John trails off and blushes at Beckett’s raised eyebrow. “Yeah, um, are you sure?”
“Yes, very. I’ve gone over the tests several times. It was a tricky bugger, let me tell you. It took me a long time to detect and you didn’t come forward with any symptoms…you don’t have any, do you? No discharge, burning sensation when you urinate…”
“No, none of that,” Sheppard answers, not looking at Beckett. “What do I have?”
“Well, that’s the thing, it’s not Earth-based,” Beckett replies.
There’s a long pause, and then Sheppard says in a tight voice, “So, I’ve what, got space herpes?”
Despite himself, Beckett chuckles. “No, lad, more like space gonorrhea. A couple of doses of antibiotic and you’ll be just fine.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” Sheppard slumps slightly in his seat.
“You’ll need to abstain for the duration of the treatment, of course and you’ll have to notify any partners you have on Atlantis,” Beckett says.
“I don’t have any here,” Sheppard answers.
Beckett nods. “All right, let’s get started you started on some meds.”
*********
A few days later, Rodney bursts into the lounge and finds John and Teyla trying to explain football to Ronon. “You!” he exclaims accusingly and points at John. “This is all your fault!”
John looks at Rodney in confusion. “What’s all my fault?”
“This!” Rodney says shaking a sheet of paper in front of John’s face. While Rodney sputters incoherently, John snatches the sheet from him. It’s an official memo.
MEMO
To: All Off-World Teams
From: Dr. Carson Beckett, CMO, Atlantis
Subject: Condoms
From now on, all off-world teams are to carry condoms as standard equipment.
John manages not to blush. “How, exactly, is this my fault?” Teyla takes the memo from John and slowly reads it.
“Oh, please! You’ve had more action in the last six months than everyone else combined! You’re so Captain Kirk, it’s not funny!”
Before John has a chance to reply, Teyla asks, “What are condoms?”
Rodney reaches into his pocket and tosses her a small, flat package. “That’s a condom.”
“You brought them with you?” John asks.
“They came with the memo.”
“I still don’t understand,” Teyla says, having opened the condom.
“They’re used to prevent pregnancy and spread of disease,” Rodney explains, taking it from her and unrolling it. “It goes on over…”
“That’s never going to fit,” Ronon, says, with a smirk.
“Oh, for!” Rodney exclaims with an eye roll. He then proceeds to roll the condom over his hand and partway down his arm. “There, big enough for you now?”
Ronon grins. “Yup.”
John just looks at Rodney with amusement.
“Like you never got bored in sex-ed class,” Rodney says.
“I preferred using them as water balloons, actually,” John replies with a grin.
Rodney’s eyes light up. “Dibs on Kavanaugh.”
John just laughs before Rodney grabs him by the arm and drags him out of the lounge rattling off the names of potential targets.
********
MEMO
To: Everyone
From: Elizabeth Weir
Subject: Inappropriate Use of Condoms
It has come to my attention that some of you have been using the condoms assigned to away teams in an inappropriate fashion. This will come to a halt immediately or strict discipline will be enforced.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
infection control
Date: 2006-02-04 05:33 pm (UTC)LOL. Oh, that's perfect. And the inappropriate use of the condoms - yeah, they're such boys. I love how Rodney goes from being pissed off to playing. This was a fun diversion. Thanks.
Re: infection control
Date: 2006-02-04 06:01 pm (UTC)Rodney usually is good for a diversion or two.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 05:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 06:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 05:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 06:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 06:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 06:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 06:05 pm (UTC)“They came with the memo.”
I'm still laughing. God! Thank you so much for this. It just totally made my day.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:08 pm (UTC)Day making is always a good thing.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 06:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 07:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:09 pm (UTC)My job here is done.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 07:24 pm (UTC).
.
although, if he hasn't been using protection, it's entirely possible there are little John-lets running around, and that's just a bad image.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:10 pm (UTC)Shush. The Muses will hear you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 08:04 pm (UTC)Oh my gosh. Best thing ever. :)
And that last memo? Perfect, oh so perfect. Great job. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:11 pm (UTC)I can see him. With that little smirk and his quirked brow thing he does.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 08:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 08:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:12 pm (UTC)I admit it, I made myself laugh with this one.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:13 pm (UTC)I'm glad you liked it.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 09:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-04 11:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 02:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 03:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 02:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 03:16 pm (UTC)I love the weird little relationship those two seem to be developing.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 03:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 03:17 pm (UTC);P
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 06:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 03:17 pm (UTC)I can see her trying desperately not to laugh when writing it, too.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 02:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 03:18 pm (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 02:38 pm (UTC)“There, big enough for you now?
:D
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-05 03:18 pm (UTC)Such a bunch of boys.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-06 12:51 am (UTC)No, lad, more like space gonorrhea.
It's an important distinction!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-06 01:42 am (UTC)*grin*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-06 01:44 am (UTC)Hee hee! I love it. *g*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-06 01:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-06 10:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-07 10:56 pm (UTC)Thanks.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-09 12:32 am (UTC)At which point I started laughing. Too, too funny. I'm surprised condoms weren't already required, too!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-09 12:37 am (UTC)I was hoping that was the breaking point.
*giggles*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-09 01:23 pm (UTC)also this :
“That’s never going to fit,” Ronon, says, with a smirk.
“Oh, for!” Rodney exclaims with an eye roll. He then proceeds to roll the condom over his hand and partway down his arm. “There, big enough for you now?”
Ronon grins. “Yup.”
slightly distrubing, extremely hilarious
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-09 10:15 pm (UTC)Yay! I filled a niche. I love doing that. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
*loves her crazy crackfic inducing fandom*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 09:53 pm (UTC)Inappropriate use of condoms. *snicker* When John and Rodney are involved, things like this are to be expected. Elizabeth really ought to know that. *grins*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-18 11:17 pm (UTC)I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was fun to write, too.