Absolution in the Asking by Lemonbella (Post Secret Challenge)

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Title: Absolution in the Asking
Author: Lemonbella
Rating: Gen
Characters: McKay, Sheppard, Weir, Teyla, Ronon
Summary:"I don’t think it's about what you want to know. It's about what I need to tell."

This is all cesperanza's fault. It started as a drabble and morphed into this.



Thanks to kitkat3979 and indian_skimmer for the beta.

1.

"I didn’t choose you for this mission."

Rodney picked up the card from where it had been lying on his table and turned it over a few times. The picture on the back was of the White House, and Rodney briefly wondered why on earth Elizabeth had seen fit to bring it to the Pegasus Galaxy. Sighing, he closed the lid of his laptop and headed out to find her.

~~~

"See, this is why this was a stupid idea." Rodney was standing in the middle of Elizabeth's office, arms crossed.

"Rodney," she said, by way of greeting. "I see you found it."

"Of course I found it. I was in the middle of a thing, and I had to leave it to come and find you. All because of this ridiculous idea."

"Dr Heightmeyer believes it would be beneficial for everyone to have a chance to let go of any burdens."

Rodney snorted. "Yes well, who ensures the psychiatrist isn’t insane, huh?"

"Rodney, the card?"

"Why would I want to know this?"

"I don’t think it's about what you want to know. It's about what I need to tell." Elizabeth sighed and waited for Rodney to catch up.

Rodney fell uncharacteristically silent, fiddling with the corners of the card as he stared at it.

"Who did choose me?"

"The SGC selected you. I was given your name at the same time as Colonel Sumner's."

Rodney was quiet for another moment, and Elizabeth seized the opportunity to confess what she hadn't written on the card.

"I asked them to change their mind."

Rodney stared at her, shock passing across his face quickly.

"Yes, well, let's be grateful they didn’t let you," Rodney huffed, stepping to the left and dropping the card in the wastepaper basket.

Elizabeth laughed a little, before her mouth caught up with the remaining tension. She looked directly at Rodney who was staring at her, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He shook his head briefly and his eyebrows drew further together with confusion.

"I don't know why you would think I'd be angry that I was picked on merit instead of personal favour."

Elizabeth tipped her head to the side, mirroring Rodney's frown.

Rodney clenched his fingers into his palms and then flexed his right hand, bringing his fingers up and gesturing towards her. "You could have sent me home after Doranda, you didn’t." Rodney looked down at the floor and clenched his fingers into his palms again, before looking up. "I, um… I appreciate that."

And with that, Rodney turned and left the room.


2.

Ronon found her out on one of the balconies, leaning on the railing, the breeze off the ocean blowing her hair. She turned when she heard the door slide open, and smiled at him as he came closer.

"Doctor Weir told me you were looking for me."

"I was, but I thought rather than chasing after you, I would stand still and wait until you found me." Teyla tucked the stray strands of hair behind her ears and pulled a piece of card from her jacket pocket.

"I wanted to give you this." She handed him the card. It had a picture on one side and writing on the other. The picture was of a city at night and Ronon examined it closely, wondering if it was somewhere in Sateda.

"It's the writing that is important. The picture is of somewhere on their planet I think."

Ronon turned the card over and read the small, cursive script.

"There is no day that passes without a wish that they had not come to my planet."

Ronon looked up from the card. "This is for the doctor?"

"This is what she asked us to do, yes. I could not give this to anyone else." Teyla turned back to lean on the railing, her head down.

Ronon studied the card a little longer and then stepped closer to Teyla. "Sateda fell long before they arrived."

"Sheppard woke them; he touched the necklace which drew them to us. They destroyed my people first."

"It was your necklace?" Ronon queried. He'd heard the story before, but he'd never been sure of the details.

Teyla nodded sharply. "Yes, my father gave it to me."

"Then maybe it isn't Sheppard you should be angry with."

Teyla straightened up, gripping the railing, her eyes wide, staring at Ronon. She was unsure now what she had expected from revealing this secret to him, but it certainly wasn't this.

Ronon moved closer, looking out across the ocean. "Sateda fell to the Wraith, as did Athos; as did Atlantis long ago. No one is responsible for the Wraith."

Teyla dropped her head down and breathed in the salt air. After a few moments she whispered, "I know, but it does not make this feeling go away."

Ronon held out the card and said, "I think maybe you were supposed to give it to one of them."

Teyla took it, fingers lingering over her own writing and then tucked it back in her jacket pocket.

"Maybe I will, but at another time."


3.

Ronon didn’t understand the purpose of the task but Sheppard had nodded in agreement at the meeting with the doctor, so he knew he had to go through with it.

The part he really didn’t understand was the writing it down, so he found Sheppard in the mess hall later that night and told him out loud.

"One day I might just start running again."

Sheppard looked up from his meal tray, a fork full of potato half way to his mouth. "Uh, okay."

Ronon watched Sheppard put the fork in his mouth and then said, "I don’t intend to at the moment, but I can't guarantee that I won't."

Sheppard chewed quickly, his eyes questioning, but Ronon wasn't sure if it was because of what he'd said, or the time he'd chosen to say it.

"Uh, Okay," Sheppard said when he'd finished his mouthful.

Ronon stood at the edge of the table, unsure of what was supposed to happen next. Sheppard scraped the last of the potato and gravy onto his fork and put it into his mouth. Ronon waited. Sheppard's eyes darted back and forth between his meal tray and Ronon while he chewed. "Can I ask why?"

This is what Ronon doesn't know how to explain, and why he thought the exercise was a little pointless. "Sometimes it just feels like I might."

"Okay."

Sheppard seemed to expect a little more and so Ronon added, "I see how it is with Lieutenant Ford, and I wouldn't want this to feel the same way."

Sheppard's gaze dropped away from Ronon and he piled the rubbish up on his tray. "That's different."

"I don’t think it would feel different to you. So I'm warning you now."

Sheppard laughed, short and sharp, and stood up. "Thank you, I think."

Sheppard started to walk towards the exit, shoving his hands in his pockets. "So you want to go for a run later? Maybe out to the East Pier?"

Ronon smiled. He felt something ease inside, and he thought that perhaps the doctor's suggestion hadn't been entirely strange. "If you think you can keep up."

Sheppard turned around to face him, walking backwards through the mess hall doors. He grinned with one side of his mouth and said, "I'll try my best."


4.

Teyla eventually found Rodney in the gym, lifting weights. She was startled at first, but realised this must be what Colonel Sheppard referred to as 'hiding in plain sight.'

"Doctor McKay." She greeted him with a smile and then quickly reached out her hand to catch the weight he stumbled to place in the rack.

"Teyla! I…I didn’t see you there."

"Obviously not. We have a sparring session planned, do we not?"

"I, ah, yes, we do. I wasn't sure you would… I wasn't sure it was still on." Rodney eyes wouldn’t meet hers and Teyla sighed lightly, handing him a set of sticks.

"Of course it is still on. I hope you have not worn yourself out." Teyla backed out into the centre of the room, and waited for Rodney to take up his stance opposite her.

They started with their usual warm-up routine. Teyla always enjoyed the gentleness of these sessions in comparison with those she had with John or the marines. Rodney did not have any wish to prove himself here, and so she could relax into teaching.

Today, however, was different. Teyla could feel that Rodney was struggling to follow the steps of the warm-up and she guessed the weight of his secret card was preventing him from relaxing. She parried forward a few steps, the words of Rodney's card echoing with each crack of the sticks.

"The Ancients abandoned your galaxy, and I can't promise that one day we won’t do the same."

Rodney stopped abruptly in a defensive position. "Are you angry with me? Because if you are, I don't think it's fair you get to hold weapons."

Teyla stopped and lowered her sticks. "I am not angry with you, Dr McKay."

Rodney stared at her for a moment before asking, "Why not?"

Teyla opened her mouth to explain but Rodney continued on, without noticing.

"Why aren't you angry at them? Everyone in this galaxy worships the ground the Ancients walked on. But they just left you. They abandoned you here with the Wraith. For all we know they're responsible for the Wraith developing…"

"I am not angry, because they gave us hope." Teyla stepped off to the side and placed her sticks on the bench. "If we could have run, we would have."

Rodney cocked his head to one side, a confused look on his face. "That's… I don't…" He sighed and wiped his upper arm across his forehead. "That's very forgiving of you, Teyla."

"Hope is an important thing, however transient. Hope can keep you alive when nothing else will."

Rodney rolled his eyes, in the way he usually did when she talked of faith or tradition, or anything he couldn't prove with his computers. He opened his mouth, but when Teyla held up her hand, he stopped any sound from escaping.

"You are here now, and you are helping."

Rodney's shoulders sagged. "We might leave."

"I understand."

Rodney started to move his hands quickly as he tried to explain. "It's not because we would want to abandon you, I think we would all fight as long as we could, but…but there's Earth and our galaxy, and the choice may not be up to us. That's not to say that our galaxy is more important than Pegasus. Well, it is, to us, but not to you obviously, and…"

Teyla reached forward and grasped Rodney's shoulders, stopping the flow of words. She held his gaze steadily. "Dr McKay, you are here now. That is all we ask." She brought her head forward gently and waited for Rodney's forehead to touch hers.

He sighed and relaxed forward. After a moment of silence he whispered, "I promise I'll stay for as long as I can."


5.

Elizabeth flipped the card over in her hand, and stared at the writing again. She'd completely forgotten about the exercise until this had arrived on her desk, a full three weeks after Kate had suggested the task. The writing was smudged and the corners of the card dog-eared, and Elizabeth suspected it had sat in someone's pocket for those three weeks.

She was certain it hadn't simply been forgotten, but instead had rested in that pocket as heavily as the words now rested in her hands. For once, she had absolutely no idea where to begin.

The thought occurred that perhaps she ought to consult Kate, but something stopped her from following through with that almost immediately. The card had appeared on her desk for a reason. Absolution was sought from her for a reason.

She flipped the card once more and rested it against her laptop.

"I'm not certain that he wanted me to kill him."

~~~

Elizabeth stepped into John's quarters as soon as the door slid open, to find John lying on his back, reading.

"Page 321," John said, as he waved War and Peace in her direction before placing it on the bedside table. "I'm going to need a new book if things stay this quiet much longer." John swung his legs so he was sitting on the edge of the bed, and smiled at Elizabeth. His eyes caught the postcard hanging from her left hand and the smile dropped.

A couple of seconds of silence was enough for John to start jiggling his leg up and down nervously, so Elizabeth got straight to the point.

"Everett died, John. Everyone fed upon has died. That should answer any questions you have."

"That's not even close to being the point." John dropped his head and stared at his socked feet.

"What was going through your head when you did it?" Elizabeth stepped forward and pushed the card into her back pocket.

"Nothing, I just did it. They don’t teach you to think these things over a great deal." He paused rubbing at the floor with a toe. "I think it over even less than they taught us to."

"Instincts are often right, John"

John rubbed a hand over the back of his head and stared briefly at Elizabeth before switching his gaze to the ceiling. "I hated him."

"You were thinking how much you hated him?" Elizabeth inwardly cursed herself for the flare of panic in her stomach, and hoped it hadn't shown in her voice.

John shook his head quickly, screwing up his face as he tried to find the right words. "No, I just…I didn't feel compassion for him. I just did it."

"John…" Elizabeth took another step forward and crouched down in front of him, placing a hand on his shoulder until he shifted on the bed, subtly moving out from under her touch. "The outcome would have been the same regardless of your actions."

"Yeah." John studied the picture on his bedside table intently and scratched his forearm.

"What you do on a day to day basis gives me no doubt that you made the right decision."

John sighed dismissively at that and stood up, walking away from Elizabeth's reach and turning his back.

"It was right, regardless of what Colonel Sumner's wishes were," Elizabeth stated, standing up.

She saw the pause in John's movement as his muscles froze across his back.

Elizabeth walked back towards the door, and palmed the controls. "Regardless."



Feedback and con crit appreciated.

Comments

[springwoof.livejournal.com]

neat! all of these were very interesting, both in what they chose to reveal, and to whom they chose to reveal it....

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's funny, but these are the pairings which came naturally, I thought I'd have to think hardre about them, but they just seem to fit.

[mcalex22.livejournal.com]

I like it. All the different perspectives and the hidden secrets and worries. I guess it just illustrates that they are all human and capable of failing - you were just presenting them as they are - with their weaknesses and stregths. A rather introspective piece, I thought and I don't think I'm making much sense!

Great work and thanks for sharing:)

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Perfect sense. (It's always easier to understand someone when they're being nice!) Thanks for commenting

[joolz01.livejournal.com]

Yeah, telling secrets can sure stir up some uncomfortable feelings on all sides, can't it? A very striking piece, thanks

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Glad they rang true, sometimes things ring true for me, but not neccessarily everyone else. Thanks

Introspection

[(Anonymous)]

It's good to consider one's actions when one can. This was perfect and each person was perfectly portrayed.

Re: Introspection

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

'perfect' wow! Thank you.

[clarkangel.livejournal.com]

This was very powerful. It was hard to read, especially at the end, with Sheppard and Weir. I think because it felt so very VERY real and IN character for them all.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thanks for commenting, glad it was in character

[kajikia.livejournal.com]

Oooh, very nice. An insightful little piece. I especially liked section 4, with Rodney promising to stay as long as he could.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'm glad section four worked for you, it was the one I was least sure about.

[minnow1212.livejournal.com]

Oh, *all* of these were fabulous and a bit knife-twisty. I liked Teyla's especially, and how she holds back from telling the Earth people.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Knife twisty is my way... One day I'm going to be *nice* to people. Thanks for commenting

[amalthia]

I loved this story. Each secret fits. thanks for sharing.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[not-sally.livejournal.com]

You have just broken my heart the good way. This are awesome, all of them. Really amazing fic.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

My day has not gone well until I break someone's heart... Thank you.

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

i loved the original story and really like how it fits into this larger frame of interactions and secrets revealed and a sense of forgivenesses given.... thank you!

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It was originally intended to be just John's secret, but it seemed to fit better in this larger context.

Full Responsibility!

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

Hee--aren't you glad you did the full version? I think that wow, the drabble gains a lot from context, the levels of pain, working up to Sheppard who is--face it--top clam in the clam chain! I really, really like this and I'm SO glad to have more of it!

Re: Full Responsibility!

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Kinda glad, but it stole my weekend. I had *plans*.

I was originally intending to write just John's secret but he would talk about it at all. I couldn't even get him to brood introspectively, he just wanted to punch things... So the others had to come along and help out.

[sevathediva.livejournal.com]

Intriguing concept, very well executed. Gave me food for thought and I enjoyed it quite a bit.

seva

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you, always glad to get people thinking!

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Great stories. My favorite was the last one. Loved when she tells him it was right regardless of Sumner's wishes.
Loved Rodney and Teyla.

Oh, in the last one regardless of you actions you mean *your*?

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comment. I shall go and tut at my beta right away.

[sheepfairy.livejournal.com]

This was amazing! Everything felt really true to the characters, and the way they interconnected was fabulous. Thank you so much!

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you, glad it felt true to character.

[palebluebell.livejournal.com]

I was angry, at first, over Elizabeth's secret to Rodney. But it occurred that she wouldn't have been deliberately wounding to someone, no matter who - she doesn't strike me that way, and when I read her thoughts about John's need for absolution from his secret, that cemented that thought - she wasn't trying to hurt Rodney: she didn't feel that way anymore - otherwise she wouldn't have said anything. That's how what I thought, at least.

Her words to John at the end there: that was powerful stuff - left an impression.

This whole story left an impression, actually, you definitely ruffled my feathers and made me think - thank you.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm always glad to get someone thinking.

I certainly don't think Elizabeth is deliberately wounding Rodney, I think it was a burden she'd been carrying around.

Rodney's inclusion has always struck me as strange, because while he's qualified for it, he is not (or was not) a team player. I think Elizabeth, without knowing Rodney, would have picked up on this fact and the problems it might cause, and requested someone else. (I like to think Sam played a part in the SGC's insistence).

It's only you get to know Rodney that you appreciate his positive contribution and I think this would add to Elizabeth's guilt over her initial position, and thus her need to confess

[maisierita.livejournal.com]

I loved this. I particularly loved John's secret, and the discussion with Elizabeth afterwards. It packed a tremendous punch.

Thanks for this!

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thanks for commenting. John's secret started it all off, I've always thought he wasn't as clear about that as everyone assumes he is.

[2naonh3-cl2.livejournal.com]

thank you.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

and thank you...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bettina_/]

This was great, I liked so many things. Teyla and Rodney's training sessions, the messages of the cards, Ronon just telling John and not writing it down. It was really nice :-).

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thanks, glad you liked it.

[flaming-muse.livejournal.com]

Wow. How insightful for all of them.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[nonniemous.livejournal.com]

Excellent character insights, all the way around--especially for Teyla and Ronon. The others fit and made sense and were wonderfully handled, but those two nearly broke my heart. I've wondered that about Teyla, myself, especially as she's been forced to choose between her people and the Atlantis teams. It doesn't mean she'd choose differently, but that things are usually never that clear cut and regret is a very real emotion. And Ronon, let's just say "Call of the Wild." No matter how much he wants to give and appreciates what he's been given he's also been wounded horribly and again, healing doesn't mean it all goes away, it simply means learning to live with and beyond it.

Of course Rodney would worry about abandoning them because he's the one who sees the hard choices and makes them before anyone else has a chance to think things through. It's almost like he has to look at the darkest, blackest options before he can come back and find the answers that will avoid those conclusions. Sometimes it's a gift to be brilliant, and sometimes it's not.

And John. Ouch, but so true.

Elizabeth as a character has never really worked for me so I read hers and kind of went "huh." But reading through the comments, I agree with your assessment, that she would have felt guilty for not wanting Rodney because of who he was, rather than what he could do. And hey, if the SGC picked him, that meant Jack because he was in charge at that point, and if it's jack you know his personal cabal was advising him. So yeah, Sam had something to do with it--and not just because she wanted Rodney as far away from her as she could get. (That said, I haven't seen all of SG1 season 8 yet.)

My one complaint? Where's Carson???? ;-) There's enough of a mad scientist in the man that I could imagine he'd have some serious regrets, even before the things that were set up in Season 2 for him. (Which I'm just going by comments and the few spoilers I've seen. Still on season 1 in my "cable-free" home.)

All in all *very* well done. Thank you!

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

I'm glad Teyla's and Ronon's work for you, those were the two I had the hardest time writing - Canon doesn't offer us as much in terms of their characters.

I couldn't get a handle on Carson enough to write something, he tends to get missed in a lot of my fics for that reason. One day I'll get there.

Thanks for commenting

[justhuman.livejournal.com]

These are amazing, every last one of them. I especially like Rodney and Teyla, Ronan and John -- Seeing Ronan and Rodney let go was wonderful. I also liked seeing the crack in Teyla's armor when she handed the card to Ronan.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[indian-skimmer.livejournal.com]

Is this ready to archive over at TCM (http://www.searingidolatry.co.uk/thecatsmiaow/)?

The poor site hasn't been updated since October (so if you can point towards the archive version of'Silence' as well...) and I think it's feeling a little neglected.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Yep this is ready and 'Other Side of Silence' is here:

http://lemonbella.livejournal.com/63101.html#cutid1

*strokes TCM*

[aspacer.livejournal.com]

You choose good lines.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Thank you

[kuwdora.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. This was fantastic all around. I was eager to read each one and what secret they had to reveal and I was all wrenched up in pain as I continued to see what they felt and oh, so good. I think my favorite part was Rodney's secret. I'm a sucker for Teyla-Teaching-Rodney-How-to-Fight scenes, but this made it all the more bitter.

Sheppard's made me cry, too. What a good fic, what a gooood fic.

[lemonbella.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you! I'm particularly glad you liked Teyla-Rodney as that's the one I struggled with; I guess because it's a fandom characterisation fo their relationship not a canon one.

Sorry for making you cry!