sga_flashfic | An SGA Fairy-Tale by lavvyan ("This isn't happening" challenge)

Title: An SGA Fairy-Tale
Author:

lavvyan
Pairing: McKay/almost everybody, McKay/Sheppard
Rating: R
Summary: When Rodney complains that no one really gets him, a fairy helps him find his soul mate.
AN: Yes, I'm crazy like that. And no, the fairy's not John. Needless to say, this is crack!fic at its worst. Have fun!

Download An SGA Fairy-Tale as podfic

~~~

The moment Rodney and Team 4 came through the Gate, John had to fight to suppress a laugh. Judging by the amused faces around him, so did everybody else in the gateroom. Rodney glared, pointedly ignoring the large, brightly-coloured butterfly wings that kept fluttering slightly at the back of his head. Team 4 did their best to keep their eyes averted.

Next to John, Elizabeth smiled.

"Rodney. Would you mind me asking why you have a butterfly in your hair?"

Which was exactly the moment when said butterfly raised a very human-looking head and looked around the gateroom with obvious interest. Sniggers and giggles gave way to stunned silence.

"Oh my god," John heard somebody breathe, "he brought Tinkerbelle!"

Then the gateroom guard next to Rodney took three decisive steps forward, grabbed the suspiciously unsurprised physicist, and kissed him.

~~~

"Gentlemen, let me see if I got this right. Dr. McKay complained that nobody seems to get him, so the Deravami gave him a fairy to help him find his soul mate." Elizabeth still seemed to be on the verge of hysterical laughter.

The men of Team 4 nodded hesitantly, while the little creature in question had taken up residence on McKay's shoulder. The fairy really did look a bit like Tinkerbelle, even if her butterfly wings were larger and her long hair was a reddish black. Rodney was frowning, and John wanted to do the same, even though he kept his face carefully blank.

He got Rodney just fine.

"And the way to determine if somebody is Dr. McKay's soul mate is through kissing," Elizabeth went on.

As one, Team 4 looked at John. They all were Marines.

"I think we can forget about the whole don't ask, don't tell stuff," he said, shrugging. "We're in another galaxy, anyway."

Elizabeth nodded.

"I've already sent the request to suspend that rule for our expedition half an hour ago."

The Marines looked at each other, then at Rodney, and finally at Elizabeth.

"It's like… a compulsion," Lieutenant Walters offered hesitantly. "Like kissing Dr. McKay would be a very, very good idea."

"And you kiss them back?" Elizabeth asked Rodney, referring to the earlier scene in the gateroom, where six soldiers and three scientists had been… tested. The physicist raised his chin defiantly.

"Yes, I do, because it's a little easier to testify a certain compatibility if one of the participants isn't just standing there like a dead fish, don't you think?"

Which was a valid point. Also, Rodney had looked like he knew damn well what he was doing when he had kissed those men, and John was a little irritated to find himself… irritated by that.

"But I don't feel any urge to kiss you," Elizabeth said, and Rodney visibly deflated.

"Uh, yes, that might be because I'm kind of, well… gay?"

"I don't feel like kissing you, either," John pointed out, trying not to make it sound like he was pouting. Because he wasn't.

"Perhaps she thinks that you and me wouldn't work, anyway," Rodney speculated, and the fairy smiled, patting his ear.

Little bitch.

~~~

Elizabeth had taken Rodney off John's team for the time being, except for missions on confirmedly uninhabited planets. As she had put it, kissing of a potential ally wouldn't necessarily be considered the right kind of friendly.

Rodney of course had to bring his science team the happy news of him being around in person twenty-four/seven until further notice, and by the time he had kissed his way through the corridors, a) it had become rather late and b) John was fuming.

He was Rodney's team leader, and as such the scientist was his responsibility, no matter what. He shouldn't have gone offworld alone in the first place, and it sure as hell wouldn't happen again. They were a team, damn it. And John was the fucking leader, and if Rodney wanted to find his soul mate, John deserved at least some say in it.

And he really needed to stop that line of reasoning right now, before he made a fool of himself.

When they finally reached the labs, Zelenka looked up from where he was working, and said, "Rodney, according to this data, we need to recalibrate the Ancient fake-naquadria radiators to maximize the- oh."

The kissing started. And went on. And on. When it turned into pulling of clothes, John shooed the dazed scientists out of the labs and locked the door behind him. Then he took a deep breath, stormed off to the gym, let Ronon beat the shit out of him, and went to bed.

He fell asleep halfway through convincing himself he was straight, anyway. And blissfully dreamed of Rodney's mouth on his.

~~~

"So Zelenka's your soul mate, huh?" John asked casually when they met for lunch the next day.

"Radek? Right, as if. While I'll admit that he's not entirely stupid, he's nowhere near my own level of brilliance. My soul mate would naturally have to meet a certain set of requirements, and Radek simply doesn't match." Rodney dug into his meatloaf like it might disappear if he wasn't fast enough. Sitting right next to his plate, the fairy nibbled contentedly on a pea. "He's a rather talented kisser, though. And that swirly poking thing he does with his tongue when he's… well, it's pure genius, don't tell him I said that."

Zelenka had to die.

On second thought, no, they needed him, and John had always considered the Czech to be kind of cool for the way he held his own against Rodney. Of course, they seemed to be getting along a lot better than he had suspected, if the hickey on Rodney's neck was anything to go by. And there was a lazy self-satisfaction in his friends eyes that screamed 'well and truly fucked last night'.

Zelenka had to die.

"Not that I care, but why didn't you stop kissing him when you knew he wasn't 'your other half'?" Why don't you kiss me? I know some swirly poking stuff that would fry your synapses.

"Are you crazy? Nobody said I couldn't enjoy this."

John fought the irrational urge to stomp his foot and yell yes, I say you can't enjoy this! There was no reason to act like a jealous lover when apparently, he wasn't even on the list of Rodney's possible romantic interests. He shot the fairy a dark look. She smiled at him, mouth smeared with green, and the Canadian tech from the gateroom tapped hesitantly on Rodney's shoulder.

This was hell, John decided, and pointedly did not watch one of the politest French kisses ever.

~~~

The team resumed going offworld a few days later, because being tested once obviously didn't mean you wouldn't want to kiss Rodney again. Quite the opposite, in fact, and the male population of Atlantis was growing progressively distracted.

The female part looked increasingly jealous. John could relate. Even Ronon had gotten to kiss Rodney, for God's sake, and while that had at least gotten rid of Teyla's indulgent smile, the memory alone was enough to make John clench his jaw. The Satedan had blinked, mumbled something along the lines of it never happening again, no matter how good, and had strolled away with a telltale bulge at the front of his pants. John was still swaying between offing the large warrior and cursing himself for saying he didn't want to kiss Rodney.

He was pretty sure that he could have gotten away with it at least once. Maybe he could have even pulled a Zelenka and have Rodney to himself for a whole night.

"Sorry I'm late," Rodney huffed as he stumbled into the gateroom, and briefly stopped to kiss the Marines goodbye. The fairy was back on his head, tiny fists clutching fine strands of light brown hair. She turned her head to meet his gaze, and stuck out her little tongue.

Then again, maybe not.

~~~

On M4X-885, they ran into a Wraith.

It was an ambush, and the Wraith seemed to be too weak for even Teyla to notice in its hiding place. Rodney gave a startled yell as the creature lunged at him, still too fast for them to react in time, blue hand ready to slam into the scientist's chest. Butterfly wings flattered, and before any of them could do so much as blink, the Wraith had grabbed Rodney and firmly pressed their mouths together.

There was a second when everyone was frozen in disgusted shock, then Ronon yanked the Wraith back and shot away half of its head. Rodney stumbled, pressing his hand against his lips, eyes wide with residual fear.

"Rodney, are you alright?" Teyla inquired, her voice concerned.

Rodney shook his head.

"I cubb my pongue on hif peef!"

The announcement was met with silence, the only sound the slight rustling of leaves as a breeze blew trough them.

"There was tongue?" John asked finally, somewhere between disbelieving and horrified. Rodney glared at him, hand still in front of his mouth, dripping red.

"Ip waf a reflekf!"

"Well, come on, Casanova. Let's get you and Tink back to Atlantis."

And while Carson was working on Rodney's tongue, maybe he could figure out a way to stop whatever the fairy was doing. This was starting to go too far.

~~~

Carson was looking a little dishevelled when he met them outside the infirmary. He straightened his clothes and cleared his throat.

"Well, I've managed to stop the bleeding," he started, and John wanted to hit him in the face. "But I couldn't figure out how the wee faerie weaves her magic. The only possibility I could think of were pheromones, but that's not it. She doesn't seem to do any damage, at least."

Like hell she didn't. John was already damaged for life.

Rodney was running around kissing scientists and Marines and medics and not John, and they all seemed to love it, and did he mention that he was the only one missing out? Which wasn't fair, because he had wanted to kiss Rodney for far longer than any of them, and Rodney didn't care, and it just wasn't fucking right.

Rodney didn't need a soul mate. He needed John, period. And if he didn't know that, well, it was his own fault, not John's.

"Hey! At least get yourselves a room," one of the – female – nurses yelled inside the infirmary. John ground his teeth.

He needed to stop this.

~~~

"Okay look, here's the thing," John said as he strode into Rodney's quarters that night, ignoring the way the scientist sleepily blinked at him, even if it was amazingly endearing. "I don't want you to kiss anyone anymore."

"What?"

"The kissing. It's got to stop." Fine, so this wasn't exactly John's most elaborate plan ever, but it was the best he had come up with in his distraction.

"Why?"

Yeah, and this was where his plan ended. He was still furiously trying to think of some clever reason, the good of the city and whatnot, when he heard himself say, "Because I think the only one you should kiss is me."

And wow, was he brainless or something? Rodney at least seemed to think so, blinking at him like he had just said that maybe Schroedinger's cat wasn't inside the box at all, but then the fairy clapped her little hands with obvious glee, and the world… vanished. All John could see was Rodney, with his wide blue eyes and slightly parted lips, and it was the most natural thing in the world to cross the space between them, and kiss him.

It was like coming home, like the last parts of a puzzle snapping together with an audible click, like yin meeting yang, like every overused cliché one could ever think of. Only that thinking was a little hard with Rodney's tongue hot and wet against his own, with breathing each other's breath through every sigh, with fingers dancing over warm, smooth skin, trying to find the perfect spot.

Yes, John thought stupidly, yes, and then their bodies met, and he didn't think anymore at all.

~~~

"We are happy to find that our gift to you has been helpful." The Head-Deravam bowed deeply. Over the man's shoulder, John could see the fairy sitting cross-legged on a fat leaf, wings flapping lazily as she smirked at him. He glared back. Damn manipulative little-

"We thank you, and humbly offer you these presents to show our gratitude." Teyla bowed as well, indicating the box of candy and chocolates they had brought. Every single person on Atlantis had given something, relieved that the kissing was over. Rodney had been a little put upon over that, and John had had to work really hard to make him forget about it.

Not that he was complaining. He'd found a really fun way to accomplish that to their mutual satisfaction.

The announcement that Rodney had found his soul mate in John had been met with an astonishing lack of surprise. Astonishing at least for John, but apparently the general consent had always been that their banter was just a load of unresolved sexual tension. When the Daedalus had arrived, Caldwell had awkwardly patted John's shoulder, mumbled something along the lines of the SGC sending its deepest sympathy, and he carry right on. The latest data burst had included a video message from General O'Neill, who hadn't quite managed to keep a straight face as he congratulated them, Dr. Jackson sniggering in the background.

"Let's see you laugh when your own scientist starts kissing around to find his perfect love," John muttered under his breath, unaware that the constant litany of "thank you" – "no, thank you" – "no, thank you" had stopped and the clearing had fallen silent.

The Head-Deravam beamed.

"We will be honoured to fulfil your request," he stated happily. Behind him, the fairy vanished with a grin and a faint swoosh.

Panicking, John looked at Rodney just to find him stare back, John's own thought written across his face.

Oh, fuck.

~~~

The End. Thankfully.

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From:

lishel_fracrium.livejournal.com

I love this. tehe! I really love tyhis. it's soo cute! I wish there was more. lol *puts in memories* thank you!

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