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mahoni
Title: Fair Trade
Rating: PG (Gen)
Spoilers: Oblique reference to The Tower
Summary: There can be only one intergalactic babe magnet.
Other: Set in the second season. Thanks tokittyfisher, saffronjan, and fearthainn for quick betas.
***
Elizabeth Weir was used to John Sheppard’s team coming through the gate on the run, filthy, disappointed, or even – unfortunately – with one or more of them wounded. By contrast, she could count the times they’d come back happy on the fingers of one hand. On two fingers of one hand, specifically. It appeared as though she could make that three, now.
It looked, she thought as she took the stairs down to the gate platform, like very good news. Rodney virtually floated on a cloud of smugness, Teyla was fighting a smile, and Ronon looked amused, if a little harassed. Sheppard was doing that thing he did where his expression said absolutely nothing, but his eyes seemed unusually...twinkly.
“Well?” she said, meeting them halfway.
Rodney raised a finger imperiously and said, “I would just like to state for the record that for once in probably his entire life, Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard was not the one chosen by the alien princess to be her breeding stud.”
Elizabeth blinked and glanced at Sheppard. He stuck with the unfazed look, but his lips twitched.
“No,” Rodney continued. “This time he was passed over for a more worthy, nay, a more manly specimen, namely – me.”
Teyla turned her head and tried not to laugh through her nose. Or possibly she was clearing her throat. Teyla didn’t normally make sounds like that, so Elizabeth couldn't really tell.
“Ah,” Elizabeth said. This wasn't exactly what she had been expecting. “Well, I guess...congratulations?”
It was apparently the right thing to say, because Rodney clasped his hands behind his back and puffed out his chest. “Thank you.”
Elizabeth was amazed at how quickly her powers of linguistics and diplomacy abandoned her. Thankfully, though, Sheppard jumped in.
“The Lurians are...” he said. “How do I put this delicately? A backward society.”
“Hah! Jealous!” Rodney sing-songed.
Sheppard ignored him. “Apparently for the Lurians, charm and friendliness are signs of weakness, whereas social ineptitude and uncontrollable rudeness,” he aimed a thumb at Rodney, “are considered macho.”
“What was it she said, Colonel?” Rodney made a show of remembering. “Something about not wasting her time on a timid and virginal man-child like you? When she could have such an obviously virile and headstrong warrior like me?”
Sheppard rolled his eyes. “I don’t know, Rodney, I couldn’t hear what she said. On account of she was down at the other end of the table nibbling on your ear when she said it.”
“That’s right! My ear!” Rodney was positively giddy. “And she was convinced that you were probably a virgin!”
Elizabeth sincerely did not want to know, but she needed all of the facts in the event they continued dealing with the Lurians. “I...certainly hope you didn’t take her up on it, Rodney.”
“Good god, of course not.” He waved a dismissive hand brightly. “She was – well she was enormously tall, to begin with, and very – she kind of had that Xena thing going. Definitely more, say, Ronon’s type than mine.”
Ronon raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think you know what my type is, McKay.” He leered for effect. At least, Elizabeth assumed it was for effect. Either way, it had an effect. Rodney’s eyes widened and he stared for a brief, uncertain moment at Ronon.
“Well – well –" he said. "That’s not – I mean, of course I wouldn’t presume to try to guess what your – and you know, in fact, um, let’s just not go there.”
He twitched his attention away from Ronon and turned back to Elizabeth, rallying as he continued. “All I meant was that she could probably have broken me in half, and I’m not actually into that sort of thing. Plus, really, if and when I decide to reproduce, I intend to do it with someone who will raise the child in a society that has, you know, computers and universities. And indoor plumbing.”
On the other side of Sheppard, Teyla had her face in her hands and her shoulders were shaking. Sheppard noticed, and nudged her, clearing his throat pointedly. She straightened to attention, but her mouth quivered alarmingly and tears left glistening tracks down her face. Stifling a sigh, Sheppard leaned his head down to her and said,
“You may be excused, Teyla.”
She turned on her heel and walked quickly away down the hall without saying a word. As soon as she turned the corner, an unsuccessfully muffled shriek of laughter drifted back to them.
This did nothing to kill Rodney’s smug, however. “Yes, well, at least some women appreciate my masculine qualities.” He gazed happily around at them, freezing only slightly when Ronon leered at him again.
“Okay.” Elizabeth’s abrupt decision to change the subject had nothing to do with her fervent wish to avoid all contemplation of Rodney’s masculinity and Ronon's thoughts on the matter. Not a thing. “And the Ancient ruins? Are they going to allow us access to them?”
John shrugged. “Well, they were willing to allow us unlimited access, as well as finder’s rights to anything we discovered there, in exchange for some Athosian wheat, a few rolls of synthetic rope, a trading partnership with us, and Rodney. He was the deal-breaker, in fact.” He slapped Rodney on the back. “But luckily for us, he used his masterful powers of persuasion to sway the princess’s dad. He sealed the deal and kept his own virginity intact.”
“Good work, Rodney.” Elizabeth meant it sincerely. Rodney’s initial reports had indicated an active power source in those ruins, but since they were in the middle of the Lurian’s main township, gaining permission to excavate was key. And finder's rights. She decided she was more than willing to put up with what would be at least a month of Rodney crowing about his newly-validated studliness in exchange for finder's rights.
“Yes, well, you can thank me – wait a minute. Kept my virginity in tact? Oh, please, Colonel, I have plenty of experience in that department.”
Sheppard pretended not to hear him, saying to the room in general, “And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m starving. The Lurians fed us, but everything they served was, you know, half-baked.”
He started off; Rodney followed him.
“Hey, I'll have you know I've been with – right, I get it, good try. Don’t try to change the subject, Colonel. We both know your reputation is at stake here.”
“Actually, Rodney, I’ve been really worried for a while that you’d steal the title of ‘intergalactic babe magnet’ from me. Really. Terrified, in fact.”
Elizabeth glanced at Ronon, who still stood across from her. He had dropped the leer, and she could see a grin hiding in his eyes.
Rodney’s voice trailed off down the hallway. “Oh, ha ha. I don’t care what you say, you are never going to live this down.”
***
Note: "Intergalactic babe magnet" was stolen from a Sci Fi channel SGA commercial that aired at one point prior to the episode The Tower. Yes, they actually used that phrase to advertise Sheppard.
mahoniTitle: Fair Trade
Rating: PG (Gen)
Spoilers: Oblique reference to The Tower
Summary: There can be only one intergalactic babe magnet.
Other: Set in the second season. Thanks to
kittyfisher, saffronjan, and fearthainn for quick betas. ***
Elizabeth Weir was used to John Sheppard’s team coming through the gate on the run, filthy, disappointed, or even – unfortunately – with one or more of them wounded. By contrast, she could count the times they’d come back happy on the fingers of one hand. On two fingers of one hand, specifically. It appeared as though she could make that three, now.
It looked, she thought as she took the stairs down to the gate platform, like very good news. Rodney virtually floated on a cloud of smugness, Teyla was fighting a smile, and Ronon looked amused, if a little harassed. Sheppard was doing that thing he did where his expression said absolutely nothing, but his eyes seemed unusually...twinkly.
“Well?” she said, meeting them halfway.
Rodney raised a finger imperiously and said, “I would just like to state for the record that for once in probably his entire life, Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard was not the one chosen by the alien princess to be her breeding stud.”
Elizabeth blinked and glanced at Sheppard. He stuck with the unfazed look, but his lips twitched.
“No,” Rodney continued. “This time he was passed over for a more worthy, nay, a more manly specimen, namely – me.”
Teyla turned her head and tried not to laugh through her nose. Or possibly she was clearing her throat. Teyla didn’t normally make sounds like that, so Elizabeth couldn't really tell.
“Ah,” Elizabeth said. This wasn't exactly what she had been expecting. “Well, I guess...congratulations?”
It was apparently the right thing to say, because Rodney clasped his hands behind his back and puffed out his chest. “Thank you.”
Elizabeth was amazed at how quickly her powers of linguistics and diplomacy abandoned her. Thankfully, though, Sheppard jumped in.
“The Lurians are...” he said. “How do I put this delicately? A backward society.”
“Hah! Jealous!” Rodney sing-songed.
Sheppard ignored him. “Apparently for the Lurians, charm and friendliness are signs of weakness, whereas social ineptitude and uncontrollable rudeness,” he aimed a thumb at Rodney, “are considered macho.”
“What was it she said, Colonel?” Rodney made a show of remembering. “Something about not wasting her time on a timid and virginal man-child like you? When she could have such an obviously virile and headstrong warrior like me?”
Sheppard rolled his eyes. “I don’t know, Rodney, I couldn’t hear what she said. On account of she was down at the other end of the table nibbling on your ear when she said it.”
“That’s right! My ear!” Rodney was positively giddy. “And she was convinced that you were probably a virgin!”
Elizabeth sincerely did not want to know, but she needed all of the facts in the event they continued dealing with the Lurians. “I...certainly hope you didn’t take her up on it, Rodney.”
“Good god, of course not.” He waved a dismissive hand brightly. “She was – well she was enormously tall, to begin with, and very – she kind of had that Xena thing going. Definitely more, say, Ronon’s type than mine.”
Ronon raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think you know what my type is, McKay.” He leered for effect. At least, Elizabeth assumed it was for effect. Either way, it had an effect. Rodney’s eyes widened and he stared for a brief, uncertain moment at Ronon.
“Well – well –" he said. "That’s not – I mean, of course I wouldn’t presume to try to guess what your – and you know, in fact, um, let’s just not go there.”
He twitched his attention away from Ronon and turned back to Elizabeth, rallying as he continued. “All I meant was that she could probably have broken me in half, and I’m not actually into that sort of thing. Plus, really, if and when I decide to reproduce, I intend to do it with someone who will raise the child in a society that has, you know, computers and universities. And indoor plumbing.”
On the other side of Sheppard, Teyla had her face in her hands and her shoulders were shaking. Sheppard noticed, and nudged her, clearing his throat pointedly. She straightened to attention, but her mouth quivered alarmingly and tears left glistening tracks down her face. Stifling a sigh, Sheppard leaned his head down to her and said,
“You may be excused, Teyla.”
She turned on her heel and walked quickly away down the hall without saying a word. As soon as she turned the corner, an unsuccessfully muffled shriek of laughter drifted back to them.
This did nothing to kill Rodney’s smug, however. “Yes, well, at least some women appreciate my masculine qualities.” He gazed happily around at them, freezing only slightly when Ronon leered at him again.
“Okay.” Elizabeth’s abrupt decision to change the subject had nothing to do with her fervent wish to avoid all contemplation of Rodney’s masculinity and Ronon's thoughts on the matter. Not a thing. “And the Ancient ruins? Are they going to allow us access to them?”
John shrugged. “Well, they were willing to allow us unlimited access, as well as finder’s rights to anything we discovered there, in exchange for some Athosian wheat, a few rolls of synthetic rope, a trading partnership with us, and Rodney. He was the deal-breaker, in fact.” He slapped Rodney on the back. “But luckily for us, he used his masterful powers of persuasion to sway the princess’s dad. He sealed the deal and kept his own virginity intact.”
“Good work, Rodney.” Elizabeth meant it sincerely. Rodney’s initial reports had indicated an active power source in those ruins, but since they were in the middle of the Lurian’s main township, gaining permission to excavate was key. And finder's rights. She decided she was more than willing to put up with what would be at least a month of Rodney crowing about his newly-validated studliness in exchange for finder's rights.
“Yes, well, you can thank me – wait a minute. Kept my virginity in tact? Oh, please, Colonel, I have plenty of experience in that department.”
Sheppard pretended not to hear him, saying to the room in general, “And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m starving. The Lurians fed us, but everything they served was, you know, half-baked.”
He started off; Rodney followed him.
“Hey, I'll have you know I've been with – right, I get it, good try. Don’t try to change the subject, Colonel. We both know your reputation is at stake here.”
“Actually, Rodney, I’ve been really worried for a while that you’d steal the title of ‘intergalactic babe magnet’ from me. Really. Terrified, in fact.”
Elizabeth glanced at Ronon, who still stood across from her. He had dropped the leer, and she could see a grin hiding in his eyes.
Rodney’s voice trailed off down the hallway. “Oh, ha ha. I don’t care what you say, you are never going to live this down.”
***
Note: "Intergalactic babe magnet" was stolen from a Sci Fi channel SGA commercial that aired at one point prior to the episode The Tower. Yes, they actually used that phrase to advertise Sheppard.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 03:47 pm (UTC)PS: I can't believe they used that phrase! Mind boggles.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:17 pm (UTC)Re the phrase - yeah, I hadn't seen more than, I think, two or three episodes at that point and I thought, oh god, is this one of those shows? :))
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 03:48 pm (UTC)Yes, they actually used that phrase to advertise Sheppard.
But I am sure that the Sheppard fans who like to see him as a misunderstood, angsty, 'he's so not a slut' type will handwave that away as well...
:)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 04:46 pm (UTC)I love Teyla. I love this story, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 05:15 pm (UTC)"The Lurians fed us, but everything they served was, you know, half-baked.”
gives you a reproachful look You should warn a body before lines like that.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:23 pm (UTC)Hahaha!! I think you're right.
And you're right, Sheppard's bad puns should not be let loose without forwarning. Like, a tornado siren should go off or something. Apologies. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 05:19 pm (UTC)My favorite part is :
"Teyla turned her head and tried not to laugh through her nose. Or possibly she was clearing her throat. Teyla didn’t normally make sounds like that, so Elizabeth couldn't really tell."
Thank you for this cute and funny fic (but still very much in character)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 05:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 05:54 pm (UTC)“Apparently for the Lurians, charm and friendliness are signs of weakness, whereas social ineptitude and uncontrollable rudeness,” he aimed a thumb at Rodney, “are considered macho.”
Heee! So fabulous!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 06:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 06:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:41 pm (UTC)Intergalactic babe magnet?
Date: 2006-05-10 06:42 pm (UTC)“Well – well –" he said. "That’s not – I mean, of course I wouldn’t presume to try to guess what your – and you know, in fact, um, let’s just not go there.”
LOL! I love it when Rodney has five-car pile-up in his thought processes.
Plus, really, if and when I decide to reproduce, I intend to do it with someone who will raise the child in a society that has, you know, computers and universities. And indoor plumbing.”
I love Rodney's priorities. What if they had computers and universities but you had to go in the yard?
Icarus
Re: Intergalactic babe magnet?
Date: 2006-05-10 08:52 pm (UTC)Hah, yes, me too. And what a perfect description - five-car pile-up. :))
What if they had computers and universities but you had to go in the yard?
Hmm. "You have advanced technology! You have universities that rival Cal-Tech! But you couldn't work out toilets? And - oh my god, did I just step in - haven't you people heard of pooper scoopers?"
Yeah, he'd probably keep looking for Ms. Right. :P
Thank you so much for your feedback!
Re: Intergalactic babe magnet?
From:Re: Intergalactic babe magnet?
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 06:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 06:55 pm (UTC)Hee! Well, if Atlantis had an internet connection, he'd know he's more of a threat than John thinks. *g*
Very cute.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 07:19 pm (UTC)Thanks for this great fun fic!! *g* I love studly Rodney.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:55 pm (UTC)I'm glad you liked the story!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 07:55 pm (UTC)WP
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:58 pm (UTC)Also, thank you for replying with that icon. Sam-inna-towel. Yummeh.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 09:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 08:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 09:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 10:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 12:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 10:58 pm (UTC)I love Rodney's smugness and Ronon's leer and Teyla's shriek and John's "intergalatic babe magnet"!
*adds to makes me riduculously happy list*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 12:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-10 11:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 12:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 04:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 01:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 04:58 am (UTC)That was hilarious.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 01:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 05:25 am (UTC)This was too funny! I could see it all in character. Loved Teyla's reaction. Shep was "spot on". As was McKay.
Well done!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 01:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 11:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 01:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 12:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 01:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 12:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-05-11 01:15 pm (UTC)