How To Jump, by leah k (secret superpower challenge)

[blinkiesays.livejournal.com]

Title: How To Jump
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Word Count: 3,212
Summary: "I've suddenly got superpowers and all this guy's thinking about is his grandmother's china."



How To Jump

McKay says "I got it I got it I got it oh shit" and then they're running for their lives across the roof, jumping weather vanes and chimneys, McKay cursing and saying "we're going to die die die" between panicked breaths. Sheppard looks back briefly, but the Warning! beacon on the rocket-thing is still flashing red, which almost universally means something very, very bad.

McKay fumbles the landing on an inter-roof jump and swears he's twisted his ankle, but doesn't break stride for even a second, and Sheppard's momentarily proud of him - most of the other Atlantis scientist would have stopped and started crying by now. The rocket-thing, back far enough that he can just make it out from the rest of the clustered weaponry, starts making a high-pitched whining sound and Sheppard thinks oh shit before making one of those decisions that usually end badly, the go with your gut now, think about it later kind, what McKay likes to call pulling a Sheppard. He stops suddenly at the edge of the latest rooftop, grabs McKay mid-stride around the middle and says "do you trust me?"

McKay blinks at him for about five seconds, before his mouth catches up with his brain and he says "Yes! Of course! What?" and Sheppard pulls him close, jumps straight back about a foot from the edge, and they're falling.


12 Hours Earlier


"Of course," Matock says, tilting his head diplomatically, "there are those who believe that the vessel was sent as a gift from The Almighty. They wish that everything be returned to the crash site and left alone for religious worship - the politics of it all have become rather exhausting." McKay's nodding and trying to look interested, but Sheppard can just make out a layer of McKay-brand god, what idiots beneath the pleasant expression.

"Of course, of course," McKay says loudly, before sneezing.  Matock looks surprised and insulted and when Rodney notices, he waves his hand and says, "allergies - dust, pollen, what have you," which doesn't really explain anything, but seems to please Matock enough.

When Matock's distracted again, pointing out another tree of great historical significance, McKay half-turns to Sheppard and whispers "god, what idiots," under his breath. Sheppard fakes a cough, choking down a laugh until he's actually choking on it, and Teyla has to pound him on the back a few times before he can catch his breath. Matock looks back at them, asks, "allergies, also?" and Sheppard waves off his concern, while kicking McKay in the back of the leg. This is why they've won the Worst Diplomatic Team award for ten months straight, with the addition of Ronon shoot first, mumble later Dex having officially shot their chances at Team Congeniality in the foot.

"We have been keeping what was salvaged from the wreckage on the roof of a scientific research compound, here in the heart of the city." Matock smiles and gestures up at yet another 3-story brick building. They whole damn planet looks like New England, endless rows of nearly-identical brownstone townhouses, tiny regulated squares of grass every few blocks. This particular building has a huge brass plaque out front that reads Grande Hallowed Hall For The Furthering Of Scientific Knowledge.

McKay looks at the building for about five seconds and then winces.  He opens his mouth to, knowing McKay, correct something, but instead of doing something stupid, he sneezes again, and Teyla steps in grandly before he can say something that'll get them in trouble.

"We are thankful that you have given us such an opportunity to share your technology and culture," Teyla nods and smiles and takes Matock by the arm as McKay makes little gagging noises behind her back. Sheppard thinks fond thoughts about shooting him in the foot, and is only mildly confused when McKay turns around and sneezes, staring right at Sheppard and looking a little bit hurt.


6 Hours Earlier


Sheppard stands around the labs in the Grande Hallowed Hall for what feels like an eternity, watching McKay geek out at level of technology.  "Early twentieth century, at best, Colonel!  But look at these alloys!"  McKay's surrounded by a cloud of young, eager, female scientists who keep crowding up to him and saying, "heavens be praised!" every time McKay sneezes or sniffles or has to blow his nose.  Sheppard would get mad about the touchy hands on some of them, except that no fewer than four times does McKay manage to tell them that they're wrong before they've even said anything, which makes them deflate rather quickly.

About a thousand hours of watching McKay geek out later, they're lead to another identical building labeled A Place Of Meeting Where Friends May Enjoy Culinary Delights In One Another's Company and fed something that eerily resembles green bean casserole. McKay goes back for more three times.  "Mucus," he says, blowing his nose between bites, "can't taste a thing."  Sheppard shudders.

Truth is, Sheppard is just starting to relax - the natives are friendly, if weird, and so far nothing's tried to kill them. He's starting to really like the whole planet, the name of which is spelled entirely with awkward unpronounceable consonant clusters. Ford would have called it The Planet Where Everything Has A Really Long Name.

Rodney's talking to one of the scientists that followed them to lunch, simultaneously gulping down casserole, staring at her chest, and completely ripping into her society's views on astrophysics.  Teyla and Ronon are looking bored and playing some game that involves throwing knives, one eye constantly keeping track of exits and possible threats.  Sheppard himself is just settling into a new and unexpected fit of optimism when things start to get weird.


2 Hours Earlier


Teyla and Ronon agree to accompany Matock back to some boring cultural thing while Sheppard gets stuck with scientist duty.  Which is to say, he gets the job with the really cool huge alien space guns.  The whole rooftop is covered with them, spread out looking like something out of Star Wars, the good Star Wars.

"They're," he starts, and McKay just says, "yes, yes they are," and they have a moment, a men with guns moment, before McKay says, "I have to know how they work.  I have to know how they work now."  There's one that's broken open, cracked right down the center, and Rodney starts working on it, mapping it out, tracing dead wires and circuits and crystals with his finger-tips and Sheppard just stares, mesmerized as McKay says, "I think we can build these, I don't know why I didn't think of it before, the materials are all things we've already got, it's just the wiring, the power usage, it's..."  He gets a sort of glazed-out look on his face that Sheppard's never seen before.  "I have to open it up."

Fremzi, the scientist who came with them up to the roof, lets out a sort of shriek as she runs over, hands out front in the universal sign for stop, no, bad idea.  "You can't!  These are religious items, Dr. McKay.  There are those who would have you disciplined for even thinking such a thing!"

McKay looks disappointedly for a long moment before he says, "Fine.  Fine.  But I want to see everything you have on these things, everything.  Every report, every rendering, every post-it note."  Fremzi nods in sort of panicked confused way, but leaves, disappearing through a trap-door that Sheppard can't find when he's not looking directly at it.

McKay starts pawing one of the big, rocket-looking things attached to the carved-out shell of what used to be a small ship, something that looks like an F-302 on steroids.  Rodney's eyes are unfocused again, like he's looking at something just on the other side of the ship.  "I think," he starts to say, "I can see it."

Sheppard's starting to say, "see what?" when all of a sudden the thing springs to life, warning klaxons blaring and Rodney jumps back, looks guilty, and says, "I can fix it!  I think!  No, definitely."  Sheppard is starting to edge towards where he thinks the trap door is when Rodney suddenly says, "I got it I got it I got it oh shit!" and then they're running.


10 Minutes Later


McKay says "this is your brilliant rescue?" five seconds before something explodes over their heads and Sheppard rolls McKay under him, fragments of red brick and glass hitting his back. McKay goes limp under him before saying, "ok, I take that back."

Sheppard shoves himself up and off McKay, hauling himself up and out of the dumpster they landed in. Behind him he can hear McKay saying, "I landed on something, Colonel, something that used to be alive. Can we go? Can we go now?  I want to go," in between sneezing fits.  Sheppard leads them through the alley into the neighborhood patch of grass where McKay had initially stored his massive piles of equipment.  McKay immediately dives for his pack, pulling out a massive wad of tissues and blowing his nose.

"Ok," Sheppard says, in his perfectly reasonable in charge voice, "tell me what happened there."

"I don't know."

"You.  Smartest man in two galaxies.  You're touching something that suddenly explodes and you don't know?"

McKay looks a little embarrassed, and says, "I was just.  I was just thinking at it and then."  He sort of stops for a moment, lost in thought before he suddenly snaps his fingers and says "oh! oh! oh no," in that little I've figured something out voice of his.  Sheppard looks up just in time to see a flash of absolute guilt cross his face. "What did you do?" Sheppard growls, maneuvering himself around the rubble towards McKay and his mountain of equipment.

McKay looks up, panicked, and says in an incomprehensible rush, "I may have, accidentally, trighmumnd."

Sheppard draws himself up to his full height, puts all his effort into a good loom and scowl as he says, "what?"

"I may have, um, accidentally!" McKay chirps, backing himself towards the massive pile of sensors and laptops and Ancient scanner-things.

"May have what, Rodney?"

Sheppard starts drumming his fingers on the harness of his P-90 and mentally counting down from 25 when Rodney suddenly stands up straight and practically shouts, "triggered it with my mind, ok! I may have accidentally triggered it with my mind!"

There's a pause where Sheppard doesn't really believe it, because, seriously, triggered it with his mind? and then McKay sneezes again! and he remembers where he is and what he's doing and he gets really really mad very quickly. "Oh," he says, pleasantly, "I am so going to kick your ass." To his credit, McKay moves much faster than Sheppard's ever seen him before as he tries to duck and run towards the other side of the square. Sheppard's still faster, though and almost catches him, except that when he reaches for where McKay's arm should be, his hand passes through nothing.

"Um," he hears from behind him, and when he turns around, McKay's standing, in full panic mode, fifty yards away and right where they started from. "This is weird."


1 Hour Later


Matock says, "this is most unusual," his pale blue face going a little green around the edges. "You say he is able to move things with his mind? Most unusual."

McKay is morosely staring at the ground, every once in a while levitating a loose rock and then letting it drop.  "Oh no," he says, looking up abruptly, "oh no, no way, I am not helping you move!" He turns to John and points accusingly back at Matock. "I've suddenly got superpowers and all this guy's thinking about is his grandmother's china."

"China?" Matock asks, his head tilted at a bizarre angle.

"Dishes!"  McKay throws his hands up.  "Flatware! look, it's not important, what important here is that I can read minds!"  Teyla and Ronon look a little guilty and Sheppard thinks read minds? fuck! right before his head runs down a slide-show of every thought and image he's never wanted McKay to know about.  McKay's eyes go comically wide for a second before he yells, "ok, everybody shut up!  Stop thinking so loud."

Everybody goes eerily silent, nobody moves an inch and McKay just rolls his eyes.  "Ok, as much fun as standing real still and yet still thinking really loudly is, it's actually not helping.  You," he says, pointing at Matock, "I could care less about government secrets, so don't worry so much.  Teyla, I'm flattered, but I think of you like a sister."  McKay smiles, quickly and honestly and Teyla laughs, surprised, and shakes her head.  "Sheppard, I'll deal with you later and Ronon, you are my best friend right now."  Sheppard raises an eyebrow.  "Seriously, I can appreciate a man who's just thinking about dinner."


2 Hours Later


Over the radio Beckett says, "well, Rodney, have you always had superpowers?" and Sheppard has to try really really hard not to burst out laughing.  Rodney just glares into the M.A.L.P.  Beckett at least sounds apologetic when he says, "I had to ask.  Anyway, we're not bringing you back to Atlantis until we can figure out the cause of it.  We don't want a psychic epidemic on our hands, here."  Sheppard chuckles, just a little bit, and has a moment of panic where he realizes that McKay can actually hurt him with his mind before Elizabeth comes through on the radio.

"I'm sending in a team to collect samples.  I want you to stay on the planet until we get everything figured out."

"Roger that, Sheppard out."  McKay, who'd gone greenish at the word samples, sighs and sneezes and sits down on one of the M.A.L.P. tire treads.

"I have superpowers and I'm stuck here doing nothing."

Sheppard shrugs.  "It could be worse."  He thinks, at least we're together, and then, if you tell anyone I thought that I'll kill you.

McKay laughs, at least, and says, "your secret's safe with me."


3 Hours Later


The nice people in the Hazmat suits are prepping to step through the wormhole when Teyla says, "but why are we not affected?  And no one in the city has experienced what Dr. McKay has experienced."

Ronon shrugs his shoulder, goes back to playing with his gun.

McKay sort of puffs up his chest, saying, "well, obviously it's because of my superior-" before he breaks off again, sneezing.

John's half-way into saying, "bless you," when it hits him and he suddenly jumps up, saying, "bless your allergies!"  McKay looks confused.  "No, I mean, well, you could if you wanted to, but my point is: that's it!  That's the reason why it's only you with the freaky powers - you're allergic to this damn planet and none of the rest of us are!  That's the only thing you've done differently."

Everyone's sort of shocked stupid for a second and Sheppard has a tiny moment of triumph as Rodney stares at him slack-jawed.  But it's only a moment and then one of the nameless E.T.-suited doctors come running over with a sample cup.  She huffs and puffs and says, very seriously, "I need you to spit in this," before shoving it up under McKay's mouth.


5 Hours Later


Matock says, "you are welcome to stay here and experience this great gift from The Almighty.  Surely you could do a great many things to advance the progress of our scientific learning."  He leans in hard, looking 100% politician, a sort of gleam in his eyes.  Sheppard thinks briefly of amending his introductions to and this is Dr. McKay, no you can't keep him.  For his part, McKay actually looks torn.  In McKay's place, he's not completely sure what he'd do.

Sheppard steps in, says, "why doesn't he sleep on it?  We can make our decision in the morning."  Matock nods, and a flurry of minor officials walk the team towards another building, this one labeled, improbably, Guest House.  Teyla and Ronon set up camp on the ground floor and Sheppard follows McKay, who's zombie-walking up the stairs towards what's probably the master bedroom.

When he stops moving, most of the way into the bedroom, Sheppard's only half paying attention, so he smacks right into him.  McKay says, "I can move things with my mind, Colonel.  I mean, I made that rocket work by just thinking about the connections inside, I just brought together the right wires and then..."  He turns around, still up in Sheppard's personal space, though Sheppard's not really interested in backing up.

"Rodney," he says, "do you want to be allergic to everything?  Forever?  Here?"  There's a sort of a pleading tone to Sheppard's voice that he's not looking at too hard.

McKay sighs, and then looks up suddenly, a completely different and unfamiliar expression on his face.  "About what happened earlier, with the mind reading."  He pauses for a long, long time, looking at Sheppard in an appraising manner.  "You really have a thing for chest hair?  What is this, 1972?"

Sheppard is momentarily speechless, because McKay hadn't said anything for long enough that he had nearly convinced himself that it had never happened.  He says, intelligently, "um," before McKay touches his shoulder.

"Hey," McKay says, puffing his chest up, "don't panic," and kisses him.

Some time later, Sheppard says, "you know what?  This is gonna be a great story for the grand-kids, the how we met part involving superpower-giving mucus."  McKay laughs, and leaning against him Sheppard can feel it reverberating through his chest.  "Hey," he says, suddenly curious between kisses, "you think of Teyla like a sister?"

McKay pauses.  "Not really.  I mean, you know, like a hot step-sister, maybe.  It'd still be technically legal."  Sheppard laughs, pushes McKay down onto the bed, thinks shut up, and they both stop talking for a while.


12 Hours Later


Sheppard wakes at first light and just lies there, half-naked and wrapped around Rodney, for nearly an hour.

McKay lurches into consciousness saying, "oh, ugh," and scrabbling at his eyes. Sheppard's morning-after glow is completely ruined by Rodney grousing, "allergies," and Sheppard's realization that Rodney's eyes are actually crusted shut.

"Oh, gross," Sheppard mutters and a minute later Rodney gets the gunk scraped off enough to glare.

"If you were thinking about kissing me," Rodney says, "it's a bad idea." Rodney rolls to the side and spends a good 30 seconds hacking and spitting. Sheppard thinks god, this must be love, because Rodney is a disgusting mess and Sheppard still wants to cuddle.

Rodney sits up fully, grabs Sheppard by the back of his neck and kisses him, closed-mouth, before saying, "the sooner we get off this planet, the sooner I can get to a toothbrush."  It's a decision and a promise all at the same time and Sheppard feels something warm spread from the center of his chest outward.

Sheppard stands up, walks out to the hallway and yells down the stairs, "alright team, we're moving out."  He walks back into the bedroom where McKay's levitating his clothes and kisses him, freaky superpowered alien mucus be damned.  After, for one brilliant second, he can hear McKay, clear as day in his mind, saying let's go home.

---

A/N: Partially inspired by the Worst Case Scenario challenge. My prompt was "how to jump off a building into a dumpster."

Comments

[shadowserenity.livejournal.com]

This? Is brilliant. I laughed so hard at the following line: Ok, as much fun as standing real still and yet still thinking really loudly is, it's actually not helping. I love the premise and the backstory you gave the planet (I'm thinking of the really long building names here - especially A Place Of Meeting Where Friends May Enjoy Culinary Delights In One Another's Company which is absolutely delightful). Reccing this on my lj, if you don't mind. Wonderful :).

[jade-dragoness.livejournal.com]

and this is Dr. McKay, no you can't keep him.
This made me snort with laughter. John so needs to do it. *giggling*

freaky superpowered alien mucus

This is one of funnies things I've read in a while. *grin* I guess Rodney's allergies aren't totally useless. Superpowered mucus. *is back to laughing*

[mcalex22.livejournal.com]

Cute! I know it's not an original power but I like the way you write it :)

John and Rodney are cute and I liked the way it turned out.

I have allergies myself and no matter how much I'd love a place, if I couldn't breathe, I think I wouldn't stay there!

Thanks for sharing :)

[skeddy-kat.livejournal.com]

This was hilarious. It's such a *Rodney* way to have superpowers.

[wearmyhat.livejournal.com]

Hahaha fantastic! &heart;

[le-mot-mo.livejournal.com]

Eee! This is great. It made me laugh out loud, which is always a good thing.

Poor Rodney though. I have allergies too and to be allergic to an entire planet ... *shudders*

[argosy.livejournal.com]

This was very much fun. I just love psychic!Rodney. We need more Psychic!Rodney fics. This was very funny and sweet and the place names were the best.

[emeraldsword.livejournal.com]

This is why they've won the Worst Diplomatic Team award for ten months straight, with the addition of Ronon shoot first, mumble later Dex having officially shot their chances at Team Congeniality in the foot.

Best. Phrase. Ever. I also loved 'This is Dr McKay and no, you can't keep him.' Wonderful, great job :-)

[nel-ani.livejournal.com]

I loved this. So much. My love is HUGE. *bookmarks*

[zing_och.livejournal.com]

Heh. This is just lots of fun. Thank you!

[kbk]

Eeeee! This is so good, so funny, and it's so John, the voice is just perfect, and.

McKay blinks at him for about five seconds, before his mouth catches up with his brain and he says "Yes! Of course! What?" - I can just see that. Absolutely.

Ronon shoot first, mumble later Dex - actually made me choke with laughter. So true!

they have a moment, a men with guns moment, - like the way Sheppard's eyes light up at the mention of guns, and Rodney *comments on it*

He thinks, at least we're together, and then, if you tell anyone I thought that I'll kill you. - heeeeee! oh, John.

Typos: most of the other Atlantis scientist would have stopped - [scientists]
They whole damn planet looks like New England - [The]

[anne-higgins.livejournal.com]

Great fun! And I found the characters beautifully in voice! Very well done!

[marag.livejournal.com]

Love it! I especially love the dialogue and John's POV :) You have some fabulous lines here, most of which other people have quoted above me, so I won't bother. ::grin::

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Squeeeeeeeeee!

"Not really. I mean, you know, like a hot step-sister, maybe. It'd still be technically legal."

Ahahahaa!

This is of the brilliant.

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

This is fantastic, the characterization is so perfect and god, John is hysterical and Rodney just going with it because he really does, surprisingly more than his histrionics allow for and ...

Yeah. Fabulous :)

[astolat]

Awww! Fun and heeee at the same time! *pets John and superpowered Rodney*

[panisdead.livejournal.com]

This is a fun, zippy read. I enjoyed it. :)

[rrrosa.livejournal.com]

Just fantastic! Funny and clever and a little bit gross and utterly charming. Thank you.

[aurora]

This was fun and sweet and adorable. *saves to memories*

[torakowalski.livejournal.com]

This is why they've won the Worst Diplomatic Team award for ten months straight, with the addition of Ronon shoot first, mumble later Dex having officially shot their chances at Team Congeniality in the foot.

*giggles* This whole thing is brilliantly funny. Really well done.

[nataliadarimini.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I just absolutely adore this. Go you.

[jimpage363.livejournal.com]

////"If you were thinking about kissing me," Rodney says, "it's a bad idea." Rodney rolls to the side and spends a good 30 seconds hacking and spitting. Sheppard thinks god, this must be love, because Rodney is a disgusting mess and Sheppard still wants to cuddle.////

This line made me go "aw!"


Lovely and laugh-out-loud fun!

[merlynnez.livejournal.com]

LOL This was so funny - love all the building titles, and John's thoughts about his team members.
I agree with the earlier comment 'we need more Pyschic!Rodney stories'. :)
As yet another allergy suffer, who would guess something good could ever come of allergies! :) :) :)
Thanks for sharing this.

[kyriacarlisle.livejournal.com]

Joy! This is so much fun to read, and really, who hasn't wished that their allergies came with consolation prizes? For all the lines that made me laugh - there were lots - I think my very favorite is Beckett's hopelessly inappropriate attempt to stick with his script. Thank you!

[archerlass.livejournal.com]

Very, very fun! You have John and Rodney's voices down better than the series, IMO. I loved it!

[lim.livejournal.com]

Oh! I love this! It's brilliant.

[queenofalostart.livejournal.com]

THanks so much for sharing. THis is quite lovely.

Sheppard shrugs. "It could be worse." He thinks, at least we're together, and then, if you tell anyone I thought that I'll kill you.

Heeee. Awww, lovely.

Mucus and Gloop and Superpowers- who'd a thunk?

[demilo19.livejournal.com]

"Sheppard, I'll deal with you later and Ronon, you are my best friend right now." Sheppard raises an eyebrow. "Seriously, I can appreciate a man who's just thinking about dinner."

Bwhahahaha. I snorted my tea on this line and I don't care because it was freaking hilarious. God, this was a great idea. His allergic reaction is to read minds? Brilliant...and gross...but then you did that thing where you made it sweet because John doesn't care how gross Rodney is, he still loves him and wow. *beams* This was wonderous.

[anitac588.livejournal.com]

Ronon, you are my best friend right now LOL, oh Ronon!
Very cute story!

How To Jump

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

That was fun. I was reading lines aloud to the boyfriend, especially the ones about thinking really loud.

Icarus

[not-sally.livejournal.com]

Honestly wonderful.

[oximore.livejournal.com]

"You," he says, pointing at Matock, "I could care less about government secrets, so don't worry so much. Teyla, I'm flattered, but I think of you like a sister." McKay smiles, quickly and honestly and Teyla laughs, surprised, and shakes her head. "Sheppard, I'll deal with you later and Ronon, you are my best friend right now." Sheppard raises an eyebrow. "Seriously, I can appreciate a man who's just thinking about dinner."

OMFG!!! I loved it XD

The whole thing is priceless! Only Ronon could only be thinking about dinner XD

[wearingthelilac.livejournal.com]

This made me laugh and go "D'awww" at the same time. Perfect combination for a fic. ^_^