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sga_flashfic“My Lover Is a Brave Warrior, Or, The Things I Did For Fresh Vegetables” by cincodemaygirl
Title: My Lover Is a Brave Warrior, Or, The Things I Did For Fresh Vegetables
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cincodemaygirl
Rating: G
Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Elizabeth Weir, Teyla Emmagen, Ronon Dex
Summary: John really doesn’t want to write his mission report.
Genre: Humor, gen
Word count: ~1300 words
Note: Thank you tovegetariansushi for beta above and beyond the call of duty, as always.
Date: 8/23/2006 09:26:15 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: mission report
John,
I was expecting your mission report 25 minutes ago. You've had all last night to recover, and I’m very intrigued by the eyeliner you were wearing when you came back through the gate. Teyla tells me it was a very "interesting" mission - don't keep me in suspense.
Elizabeth
Date: 8/23/2006 09:33:41 UTC
From: "J Sheppard" <jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: mission report
Morning,
I think it would be really good practice for Ronon to write a mission report. Don't you think? He'll have his own team one day and he'll have to know how to write mission reports. I'll ask him to get it to you by 11:00.
John
Date: 8/23/2006 09:37:03 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: mission report
John, I know how you like to delegate paperwork, but Ronon does not have his own team, and until he does, you have to write your own mission reports.
Date: 8/23/2006 09:52:38 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: mission report
John? Where are you?
Date: 8/23/2006 09:54:27 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: yesterday's mission
John appears to be away from his laptop despite the fact that his mission report for yesterday's trip to P3V-971 was due almost an hour ago. Would any of you like to explain why he is refusing to fill me in on what was meant to be simple trade negotiations? Negotiations which, judging by the jumper full of fresh vegetables, appear to have been successful?
Elizabeth
Date: 8/23/2006 09:58:19 UTC
From: "T Emmagen" <temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Elizabeth,
The Colonel and Dr. McKay were asked to perform a short piece at the evening festival as proof of their goodwill toward the Nadgorians. They seemed to find it uncomfortable, though I thought it was very charming. Perhaps John is having difficulty describing the festival.
Teyla
Date: 8/23/2006 10:04:43 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Uncomfortable? Uncomfortable! It was completely humiliating! Col. Sheppard is probably off doing manly things with guns to try and reaffirm his masculinity.
Date: 8/23/2006 10:16:33 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Rodney, what was so awful about a short performance at an evening festival? I'm just dying to know what the eyeliner was about, and you four are making me suspicious. What happened?
Date: 8/23/2006 10:19:21 UTC
From: "R Dex" <rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
I thought they looked pretty.
Date: 8/23/2006 10:22:38 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Could everyone shut up about the damn mission?
Oh, for god's sake.
Date: 8/23/2006 010:27:43 UTC
From: "J Sheppard" <jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Ronon: Shut up.
Elizabeth: I'm working on it, I swear. I just have to figure out how to phrase it.
Teyla: I know you are trying to be helpful, but... Don't.
Rodney: We are never speaking of this outside the five of us ever again. Right? Right.
Date: 8/23/2006 10:35:02 UTC
From: "T Emmagen" <temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Yes, Colonel, I am trying to be helpful. Does this have something to do with the Earth performer you and Dr. McKay mentioned? I am not sure I remember her name correctly. Carrie Okie? Are you having trouble remembering the details of the negotiations?
Date: 8/23/2006 10:41:58 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: AHAHAHAHA
That's what this is about?! Karaoke?
Date: 8/23/2006 10:47:39 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Elizabeth, we can hear you laughing over in the science labs. Please try to control yourself.
Date: 8/23/2006 10:51:33 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: AHAHAHA
You have to tell me, I can't wait for the mission report. What was the song?
Date: 8/23/2006 10:58:11 UTC
From: "T Emmagen" <temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: AHAHAHA
I am not certain. The Nadgorians said it was a traditional folk song. The Colonel and Dr. McKay were given time to practice before the performance. I believe the title was "My Lover Is a Brave Warrior." It was very memorable.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:03:21 UTC
From: "R Dex" <rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: AHAHAHA
I liked it.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:07:49 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: The mission
Can't we wait to relive this in the mission report, please? Going through it was more than enough, I really don't want to discuss it. Or read you three discussing it. And Elizabeth, we can hear it when you slap your desk like that. You may jostle delicate scientific equipment. Please, get it under control.
Plus, the only reason Teyla and the Ape-man think this is so funny is that they didn't have to sing. Also because the Nadgorians said their attire was already festival-appropriate, which I think says something about their attire's mission-appropriateness that you should address, Elizabeth.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:13:47 UTC
From: "J Sheppard" <jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Trade Mission to P3V-971
Attachment: GDmissionreport.doc
Here's the mission report. Can we please all forget this ever happened?
*
Mission Report
Date: 8/22/2006
Planet: P3V-971, "Nadgoria"
Objective: Trade (Produce for Medical Supplies)
Team Members: Lt. Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagen, Specialist Ronon Dex
Arrived through the gate at approx 16:15 Atlantis time. Were given tea and guided tour of gardens and village. Spoke with Leader Patara in the village meeting house. Taken to festival grounds around 18:30 for feast and "entertainment." Learned we were the entertainment, and that we were not dressed properly. Given "festival costumes." Half the team was allowed to observe. Chose wrong half out of misguided concern for their safety and dignity. Will choose differently next time.
Were escorted to dressing room, given choice of entertainment to perform. Disagreed with Dr. McKay over least embarrassing choice. Let Dr. McKay win because it's easier. Returned to festival; became laughingstock of entire planet while dressed like Elvis impersonator. Was surprised to discover that this is not less mortifying when your audience does not know what an Elvis impersonator is.
Nadgorians pleased with performance, if pleased means "unable to stop snickering." Trade negotiations went forward without a hitch after mirth dissipated, although Nadgorians strongly suggested that changing out of ceremonial costume would be a deal-breaker. Informed Nadgorians that if they wanted our medical supplies, they would give us back our BDUs. They drew the line at washing off the ceremonial face paint.
Left for the Stargate at approx 21:00 with jumper full of vegetables, at the expense of my self-esteem and that of Dr. McKay, and you people had better appreciate it.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:22:29 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Speak for yourself
Colonel, my dignity is intact. After all, I am one of few men alive who is capable of pulling off sequins. In fact, I was complimented effusively by many of the Nadgorians and received three proposals of marriage. Also, I have always been told that I have a lovely singing voice. It was a shame though that all of their folk songs sound like 80s rock ballads. I really did pick the best option, whatever Sheppard says.
Elizabeth, I mean it about the laughing, this place echoes something awful.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:27:42 UTC
From: "T Emmagen" <temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Trade Mission to P3V-971
Elizabeth, Leader Patara was kind enough to provide me with a copy of the picture reel of the festival. Perhaps it is worth... Five bars of the sweet foodstuff you call "Cadbury"? Come by my quarters at midday.
Title: My Lover Is a Brave Warrior, Or, The Things I Did For Fresh Vegetables
Author:
cincodemaygirlRating: G
Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Elizabeth Weir, Teyla Emmagen, Ronon Dex
Summary: John really doesn’t want to write his mission report.
Genre: Humor, gen
Word count: ~1300 words
Note: Thank you to
vegetariansushi for beta above and beyond the call of duty, as always.Date: 8/23/2006 09:26:15 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: mission report
John,
I was expecting your mission report 25 minutes ago. You've had all last night to recover, and I’m very intrigued by the eyeliner you were wearing when you came back through the gate. Teyla tells me it was a very "interesting" mission - don't keep me in suspense.
Elizabeth
Date: 8/23/2006 09:33:41 UTC
From: "J Sheppard" <jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: mission report
Morning,
I think it would be really good practice for Ronon to write a mission report. Don't you think? He'll have his own team one day and he'll have to know how to write mission reports. I'll ask him to get it to you by 11:00.
John
Date: 8/23/2006 09:37:03 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: mission report
John, I know how you like to delegate paperwork, but Ronon does not have his own team, and until he does, you have to write your own mission reports.
Date: 8/23/2006 09:52:38 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: mission report
John? Where are you?
Date: 8/23/2006 09:54:27 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: yesterday's mission
John appears to be away from his laptop despite the fact that his mission report for yesterday's trip to P3V-971 was due almost an hour ago. Would any of you like to explain why he is refusing to fill me in on what was meant to be simple trade negotiations? Negotiations which, judging by the jumper full of fresh vegetables, appear to have been successful?
Elizabeth
Date: 8/23/2006 09:58:19 UTC
From: "T Emmagen" <temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Elizabeth,
The Colonel and Dr. McKay were asked to perform a short piece at the evening festival as proof of their goodwill toward the Nadgorians. They seemed to find it uncomfortable, though I thought it was very charming. Perhaps John is having difficulty describing the festival.
Teyla
Date: 8/23/2006 10:04:43 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Uncomfortable? Uncomfortable! It was completely humiliating! Col. Sheppard is probably off doing manly things with guns to try and reaffirm his masculinity.
Date: 8/23/2006 10:16:33 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Rodney, what was so awful about a short performance at an evening festival? I'm just dying to know what the eyeliner was about, and you four are making me suspicious. What happened?
Date: 8/23/2006 10:19:21 UTC
From: "R Dex" <rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
I thought they looked pretty.
Date: 8/23/2006 10:22:38 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Could everyone shut up about the damn mission?
Oh, for god's sake.
Date: 8/23/2006 010:27:43 UTC
From: "J Sheppard" <jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Ronon: Shut up.
Elizabeth: I'm working on it, I swear. I just have to figure out how to phrase it.
Teyla: I know you are trying to be helpful, but... Don't.
Rodney: We are never speaking of this outside the five of us ever again. Right? Right.
Date: 8/23/2006 10:35:02 UTC
From: "T Emmagen" <temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Yes, Colonel, I am trying to be helpful. Does this have something to do with the Earth performer you and Dr. McKay mentioned? I am not sure I remember her name correctly. Carrie Okie? Are you having trouble remembering the details of the negotiations?
Date: 8/23/2006 10:41:58 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: AHAHAHAHA
That's what this is about?! Karaoke?
Date: 8/23/2006 10:47:39 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: yesterday's mission
Elizabeth, we can hear you laughing over in the science labs. Please try to control yourself.
Date: 8/23/2006 10:51:33 UTC
From: "E Weir" <eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: AHAHAHA
You have to tell me, I can't wait for the mission report. What was the song?
Date: 8/23/2006 10:58:11 UTC
From: "T Emmagen" <temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: AHAHAHA
I am not certain. The Nadgorians said it was a traditional folk song. The Colonel and Dr. McKay were given time to practice before the performance. I believe the title was "My Lover Is a Brave Warrior." It was very memorable.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:03:21 UTC
From: "R Dex" <rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Re: AHAHAHA
I liked it.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:07:49 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: The mission
Can't we wait to relive this in the mission report, please? Going through it was more than enough, I really don't want to discuss it. Or read you three discussing it. And Elizabeth, we can hear it when you slap your desk like that. You may jostle delicate scientific equipment. Please, get it under control.
Plus, the only reason Teyla and the Ape-man think this is so funny is that they didn't have to sing. Also because the Nadgorians said their attire was already festival-appropriate, which I think says something about their attire's mission-appropriateness that you should address, Elizabeth.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:13:47 UTC
From: "J Sheppard" <jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Trade Mission to P3V-971
Attachment: GDmissionreport.doc
Here's the mission report. Can we please all forget this ever happened?
*
Mission Report
Date: 8/22/2006
Planet: P3V-971, "Nadgoria"
Objective: Trade (Produce for Medical Supplies)
Team Members: Lt. Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagen, Specialist Ronon Dex
Arrived through the gate at approx 16:15 Atlantis time. Were given tea and guided tour of gardens and village. Spoke with Leader Patara in the village meeting house. Taken to festival grounds around 18:30 for feast and "entertainment." Learned we were the entertainment, and that we were not dressed properly. Given "festival costumes." Half the team was allowed to observe. Chose wrong half out of misguided concern for their safety and dignity. Will choose differently next time.
Were escorted to dressing room, given choice of entertainment to perform. Disagreed with Dr. McKay over least embarrassing choice. Let Dr. McKay win because it's easier. Returned to festival; became laughingstock of entire planet while dressed like Elvis impersonator. Was surprised to discover that this is not less mortifying when your audience does not know what an Elvis impersonator is.
Nadgorians pleased with performance, if pleased means "unable to stop snickering." Trade negotiations went forward without a hitch after mirth dissipated, although Nadgorians strongly suggested that changing out of ceremonial costume would be a deal-breaker. Informed Nadgorians that if they wanted our medical supplies, they would give us back our BDUs. They drew the line at washing off the ceremonial face paint.
Left for the Stargate at approx 21:00 with jumper full of vegetables, at the expense of my self-esteem and that of Dr. McKay, and you people had better appreciate it.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:22:29 UTC
From: "R McKay" <rmckay@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: jsheppard@atlantis.sgc.gov
Cc: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov, temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov, rdex@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Speak for yourself
Colonel, my dignity is intact. After all, I am one of few men alive who is capable of pulling off sequins. In fact, I was complimented effusively by many of the Nadgorians and received three proposals of marriage. Also, I have always been told that I have a lovely singing voice. It was a shame though that all of their folk songs sound like 80s rock ballads. I really did pick the best option, whatever Sheppard says.
Elizabeth, I mean it about the laughing, this place echoes something awful.
Date: 8/23/2006 11:27:42 UTC
From: "T Emmagen" <temmagen@atlantis.sgc.gov>
To: eweir@atlantis.sgc.gov
Subject: Trade Mission to P3V-971
Elizabeth, Leader Patara was kind enough to provide me with a copy of the picture reel of the festival. Perhaps it is worth... Five bars of the sweet foodstuff you call "Cadbury"? Come by my quarters at midday.