Life After Survival by blade_girl
Jan. 8th, 2007 06:49 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
blade-girl.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
sga_flashficTitle: Life After Survival
Author: Blade![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
blade_girl
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Warnings: Major character death
Summary: Sometimes you lose your footing, and all that stops you from disappearing into the abyss is your tie to someone else.
A/N: I wasn’t going to do this, but this idea made a meal of my brain. This is another short one, a companion piece to my previous Missing Persons challenge response, The Speed of Acceptance If you haven’t read that, this one will make less sense.
ETA: And now there is a third installment: Ritual of Denial.
Rodney keeps thinking about mountain climbing.
Well, not actually about climbing, but a scene from a movie about mountain climbing that he saw years ago. An expedition is scaling the Himalayan mountain known as K2. Some ice gives way on a ledge. One of the native guides is sliding off, and a quick-thinking climber grabs the guy’s rope with one hand and drives his pick into the ice with the other, saving the guide’s life.
Climbers work in pairs, generally. In any case, they always climb tethered, for safety. Sometimes you lose your footing, and all that stops you from disappearing into the abyss is your tie to someone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nights should be the worst. The troubled mind, the twitchy sleeping pattern, the nightmares… it’s all pretty awful, and all pretty standard. In the blink of an eye, two people he’d cared about had fallen out of existence right in front of him. He’d have to be one cold bastard to not be tormented during those quiet nighttime hours.
Still, the nights aren’t the worst. Sometimes he’ll dream about it, hear Teyla’s gasp just as he hears the ground crumbling beneath her. Ronon growls – he thinks he really heard that, but maybe it’s an embellishment – and lunges for her, but the ground under him is already going. Rodney whirls around when he first hears the sounds, but it takes an eternity for him to move. He’s pretty sure that’s exactly how it happened in reality.
Then suddenly he can move and he’s darting toward the edge – rushing even though his rational mind already knows they are lost, because the ground they’d been standing on is gone – and he sees now that Sheppard’s sliding off, too.
The nights are not the worst, because it’s the days that show him the full extent of his loss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carson should have feathers and cluck. The doctor’s empathy is a bottomless pit (Rodney thinks that might be why Carson went into research rather than clinical practice, and he can’t even begin to imagine what three years of being CMO must be doing to him), and every time they make eye contact, Rodney sees his own misery compounded with deep, helpless compassion.
Carson suffers on his behalf, torturing himself with the knowledge that there’s nothing he can do to aid Rodney’s inner healing. It’s why Rodney bites his head off a lot, because Rodney’s own suffering is more than enough, thanks. He doesn’t need to see someone else mirroring his burden.
“How are you sleeping lately?”
“About the same.”
Carson nods somberly. “Need anything for it?”
“Time travel,” Rodney says, picking up his empty tray.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Are you still having the nightmares?”
Rodney huffs a brief, humorless laugh. “Of course I am.”
Kate shows sympathy, a sterile kind that only goes a couple of inches deep. No doubt she feels plenty more, but her professional decorum – and probably her own sanity – requires her to maintain emotional distance. “Do you want to talk about them?”
He does, actually. The dream keeps morphing. For a while, it was a stark replay of the accident, then there were variations in which Rodney caused the landslide. Now, it’s mostly as he remembers the incident, but when he grabs for Sheppard’s hand, he misses. The last thing he hears is the total silence of Sheppard’s descent.
“Why do you think you’re dreaming it that way?” Kate asks.
“Because it’s what really happened.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He sees Sheppard every single day. They attend the same meetings, pass each other in the halls. Sometimes Rodney sees him in the mess, from across the room or across the table. It doesn’t matter. It is always from a distance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He and Radek are running an experiment. It’s late, but Elizabeth drops by. She’s been around a lot lately. Rodney knows she’s trying to fill a void. It hurts that the effort comforts him a little.
Rodney and Radek volleyball a brief report – they’ve recently regained their combative rhythm – and the conversation turns lighter, companionable. Rodney makes a stinging comment, Radek rebutts it, Elizabeth shakes her head. Shortly, they are all laughing, and Rodney feels something loosen a notch inside him.
It is the saddest happy moment of his life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He turns a corner, eyes on his datapad, feels someone suddenly in his way. He stares into Ronon’s laughing eyes, shocked into motionlessness. So much should be said, but nothing is. Ronon merely smiles, puts a hand on Rodney’s shoulder, and gives it a squeeze.
When he wakes up, Rodney touches his shoulder and relaxes back into slumber.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A meeting of the senior staff breaks up, and Rodney overhears Lorne asking Sheppard an operational question. Sheppard answers him, not monosyllabic but to the point. As the colonel walks away, Lorne watches, looking like he might go after him. Rodney’s relieved when the major just grimaces and goes about his own business. Sometimes all you do is slow their descent, and they don’t always thank you for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The rocky dirt scrapes his cheek painfully as his hand closes around Sheppard’s wrist and Rodney is dragged toward the edge. The fingers of his free hand scratch frantically for something unmoving. They find it, and his arms and shoulders snap taut. The wrist holding Sheppard is twisted awkwardly, and Rodney feels sharp, hot pain.
It’s a tug-of-war with gravity, and Rodney’s sure he can’t keep a grip on both the rock in one hand and the colonel in the other. Maybe Sheppard could have done it; he’s stronger.
Rodney’s not strong enough to hold on, but he does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They’ve been cleared for off-world for weeks. Sheppard still hasn’t selected new teammates. Everyone thinks he’s afraid that replacing Teyla and Ronon is acknowledging that they’re not coming back. Rodney knows it’s acknowledging that Sheppard did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He stalks into his lab, angry, hurt. The falling seems like it will never stop.
Sometime later, Radek comes to show him a report by one of the newer scientists. They make mincemeat of it and agree that the newbie needs to get in the express line for clues.
Radek starts to leave, then turns. “Your cup is empty. Care to get some coffee?”
As they head down the hall, Rodney feels his pick buried firmly, securely in the ice.
He’s afraid it might be time to let go of the rope.
Author: Blade
blade_girlFandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Warnings: Major character death
Summary: Sometimes you lose your footing, and all that stops you from disappearing into the abyss is your tie to someone else.
A/N: I wasn’t going to do this, but this idea made a meal of my brain. This is another short one, a companion piece to my previous Missing Persons challenge response, The Speed of Acceptance If you haven’t read that, this one will make less sense.
ETA: And now there is a third installment: Ritual of Denial.
Rodney keeps thinking about mountain climbing.
Well, not actually about climbing, but a scene from a movie about mountain climbing that he saw years ago. An expedition is scaling the Himalayan mountain known as K2. Some ice gives way on a ledge. One of the native guides is sliding off, and a quick-thinking climber grabs the guy’s rope with one hand and drives his pick into the ice with the other, saving the guide’s life.
Climbers work in pairs, generally. In any case, they always climb tethered, for safety. Sometimes you lose your footing, and all that stops you from disappearing into the abyss is your tie to someone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nights should be the worst. The troubled mind, the twitchy sleeping pattern, the nightmares… it’s all pretty awful, and all pretty standard. In the blink of an eye, two people he’d cared about had fallen out of existence right in front of him. He’d have to be one cold bastard to not be tormented during those quiet nighttime hours.
Still, the nights aren’t the worst. Sometimes he’ll dream about it, hear Teyla’s gasp just as he hears the ground crumbling beneath her. Ronon growls – he thinks he really heard that, but maybe it’s an embellishment – and lunges for her, but the ground under him is already going. Rodney whirls around when he first hears the sounds, but it takes an eternity for him to move. He’s pretty sure that’s exactly how it happened in reality.
Then suddenly he can move and he’s darting toward the edge – rushing even though his rational mind already knows they are lost, because the ground they’d been standing on is gone – and he sees now that Sheppard’s sliding off, too.
The nights are not the worst, because it’s the days that show him the full extent of his loss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carson should have feathers and cluck. The doctor’s empathy is a bottomless pit (Rodney thinks that might be why Carson went into research rather than clinical practice, and he can’t even begin to imagine what three years of being CMO must be doing to him), and every time they make eye contact, Rodney sees his own misery compounded with deep, helpless compassion.
Carson suffers on his behalf, torturing himself with the knowledge that there’s nothing he can do to aid Rodney’s inner healing. It’s why Rodney bites his head off a lot, because Rodney’s own suffering is more than enough, thanks. He doesn’t need to see someone else mirroring his burden.
“How are you sleeping lately?”
“About the same.”
Carson nods somberly. “Need anything for it?”
“Time travel,” Rodney says, picking up his empty tray.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Are you still having the nightmares?”
Rodney huffs a brief, humorless laugh. “Of course I am.”
Kate shows sympathy, a sterile kind that only goes a couple of inches deep. No doubt she feels plenty more, but her professional decorum – and probably her own sanity – requires her to maintain emotional distance. “Do you want to talk about them?”
He does, actually. The dream keeps morphing. For a while, it was a stark replay of the accident, then there were variations in which Rodney caused the landslide. Now, it’s mostly as he remembers the incident, but when he grabs for Sheppard’s hand, he misses. The last thing he hears is the total silence of Sheppard’s descent.
“Why do you think you’re dreaming it that way?” Kate asks.
“Because it’s what really happened.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He sees Sheppard every single day. They attend the same meetings, pass each other in the halls. Sometimes Rodney sees him in the mess, from across the room or across the table. It doesn’t matter. It is always from a distance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He and Radek are running an experiment. It’s late, but Elizabeth drops by. She’s been around a lot lately. Rodney knows she’s trying to fill a void. It hurts that the effort comforts him a little.
Rodney and Radek volleyball a brief report – they’ve recently regained their combative rhythm – and the conversation turns lighter, companionable. Rodney makes a stinging comment, Radek rebutts it, Elizabeth shakes her head. Shortly, they are all laughing, and Rodney feels something loosen a notch inside him.
It is the saddest happy moment of his life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He turns a corner, eyes on his datapad, feels someone suddenly in his way. He stares into Ronon’s laughing eyes, shocked into motionlessness. So much should be said, but nothing is. Ronon merely smiles, puts a hand on Rodney’s shoulder, and gives it a squeeze.
When he wakes up, Rodney touches his shoulder and relaxes back into slumber.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A meeting of the senior staff breaks up, and Rodney overhears Lorne asking Sheppard an operational question. Sheppard answers him, not monosyllabic but to the point. As the colonel walks away, Lorne watches, looking like he might go after him. Rodney’s relieved when the major just grimaces and goes about his own business. Sometimes all you do is slow their descent, and they don’t always thank you for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The rocky dirt scrapes his cheek painfully as his hand closes around Sheppard’s wrist and Rodney is dragged toward the edge. The fingers of his free hand scratch frantically for something unmoving. They find it, and his arms and shoulders snap taut. The wrist holding Sheppard is twisted awkwardly, and Rodney feels sharp, hot pain.
It’s a tug-of-war with gravity, and Rodney’s sure he can’t keep a grip on both the rock in one hand and the colonel in the other. Maybe Sheppard could have done it; he’s stronger.
Rodney’s not strong enough to hold on, but he does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They’ve been cleared for off-world for weeks. Sheppard still hasn’t selected new teammates. Everyone thinks he’s afraid that replacing Teyla and Ronon is acknowledging that they’re not coming back. Rodney knows it’s acknowledging that Sheppard did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He stalks into his lab, angry, hurt. The falling seems like it will never stop.
Sometime later, Radek comes to show him a report by one of the newer scientists. They make mincemeat of it and agree that the newbie needs to get in the express line for clues.
Radek starts to leave, then turns. “Your cup is empty. Care to get some coffee?”
As they head down the hall, Rodney feels his pick buried firmly, securely in the ice.
He’s afraid it might be time to let go of the rope.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 12:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:38 pm (UTC)Thanks! I'm happy to have engendered so much emotion with these stories.
I'm glad you did it anyway
Date: 2007-01-08 01:26 pm (UTC)Excuse me I have something in my eye. *goes off to read again*
Re: I'm glad you did it anyway
Date: 2007-01-08 02:40 pm (UTC)Thank you! It's good to know those moments worked for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 01:58 pm (UTC)Carson nods somberly. “Need anything for it?”
“Time travel,” Rodney says, picking up his empty tray.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:01 pm (UTC)No, no, no, no! Don't give up on John!
(You can write more. Really!)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:41 pm (UTC)Thank you. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:46 pm (UTC)I especially love the Carson bit. You got both characters and their interactions so spot-on in jut a few sentences. I think I re-read that little section about four times.
thanks for writing and sharing!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 04:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 02:56 pm (UTC)Also, I want to tell you that the part with Ronon appearing in Rodney's dream struck a personal note with me. A few months after a dear friend of mine committed suicide, I dreamed of him. In that dream C was sitting right there in the middle of the group of our friends, squeezed in between two of them on the couch. Watching. Listening. He'd been gone for almost three months at that point. In my dream he noticed me noticing, and he smiled warmly at me and raised his figer to his lips in a shhhh motion. It was a strange dream, but somehow it gave me comfort. Just like Rodney seeing Ronon seemed to give him comfort.
Thanks for sharing, this was fantastic.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 04:04 pm (UTC)Thank you for your heartfelt comments. I'm glad the fics touched you.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 04:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 05:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 05:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 05:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 07:58 pm (UTC)With these two stories I think you've done a great job of pegging the difference between the two characters (Sheppard and Rodney), because it's struck me before that Rodney, for all his prickliness, has a fairly wide circle of friends in Atlantis. Losing some of them would be terrible for him, but I can see him leaning on the ones he has left, picking up and moving on. Whereas for Sheppard, his team is his world, and I don't know if he *could* survive it. And Rodney's right that he has to move on without allowing someone else to drag him into the pit of despair he's managed to skirt, but ...
*sobs*
Come on, I need to see Sheppard turn the corner! Help meeeeee!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 08:18 pm (UTC)But I'll give it some thought. If I can come up with a third one that doesn't undo what the other two have accomplished, I'll write it. Deal?
Now, dry those eyes! :D
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 08:24 pm (UTC)I can live with that. *grin*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 08:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 09:05 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading, too. I'm glad you liked the fics. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-08 10:08 pm (UTC)I'd love to read more!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 03:27 am (UTC)Thanks so much for your feedback!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 10:10 pm (UTC)>Everyone thinks he’s afraid that replacing Teyla and Ronon is acknowledging that they’re not coming back. Rodney knows it’s acknowledging that Sheppard did.>
Thanks.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 10:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 10:14 pm (UTC)This is a really good story. It makes it easy to feel with Rodney. And the ending just about kills me.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 10:57 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed the story. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 10:27 pm (UTC)I love the deft handling of the themes of falling and hanging on. The two pieces complement each other nicely by juxtaposing Rodney and John's coping methods.
Honestly, I'd have even more wonderful things to say about this were it not for the sad, inescapable fact that my brain has migrated south for the winter. But you know I'd be more than happy to send plot bunnies your way for an eventual sequel. *evil grin*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 10:58 pm (UTC)As for the plot bunnies for a third fic... well, said fic is in process. Expect an email eventually.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 11:39 pm (UTC)I adore the Ronon dream. Did that with my grandmother, and my great-grandmother after they died, same kind of dream. And I love that it's Ronon who comes to Rodney.
Excellent character study, both of these, and so poignant and real. They're both turning the corner and beginning to come back to life, each in their own way.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 03:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 11:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 03:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 02:53 am (UTC)I'm gonna join the chorus for more, if only to find out how Rodney and John finally get to talking, really talking again.
Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 03:44 am (UTC)Thanks so much for your kind words.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 03:14 am (UTC)However, it also seems to me that you've got that fanfic standard in the back of your mind. Although the story is about McKay you really want it to be about Sheppard. The focus of the story is thus split: the changing and the unchanging. Everyone seems to be in a rut, waiting for Sheppard to change, and nothing comes of McKay's changing. It reads weird, because one would expect McKay's actions to change along with his internal self, and one would expect some change in how other people behave given their actions aren't having the desired effect.
Personally, it seemed weird that team AR-1 apparently wasn't important in the scheme of Atlantean things. I kept expecting McKay to get to the point where he recognized his teammates weren't the only reason he was going through the gate, or that they were, and deliberately deciding he was going to keep going out there, or he wasn't. Instead I'm not sure what happened in the last two sections, but he's still suspended, so the story hasn't progressed much even though there isn't any more to read. So the ending seems abrupt and incomplete. Which is probably why people want sequels.
Some idle thoughts:
Would McKay go direct to Weir or Lorne to state his desired future? Or would he declare it to Sheppard first? And what would Sheppard do? (Because he has to give up McKay, get him back, or let someone else make that decision for him.)
When one of the commenters here said "I love that it's Ronon who comes to Rodney" I flashed on him dreaming about stick fighting with Teyla as yet another reflective image. I could actually believe in that, as I once had a dream that I was sparring with someone despite never having had any martial arts training in real life.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 03:29 am (UTC)This story is from McKay's POV, just as the previous one was from Sheppard's, but each is about more than just the main character. They are intended to be explorations of the aftermath of the tragedy that happened before the stories began, and as such, both stories are about both characters and their responses.
The fact that you were confused by the last two sections is exactly why I hoped that readers would read the first story before this one. :)