Ritual of Denial, by blade_girl
Jan. 10th, 2007 11:27 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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sga_flashficTitle: Ritual of Denial
Author: Blade![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
blade_girl
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Warnings: Deals with major character death
Summary: Losses don’t cancel responsibilities. There are still things that must be done, even though the players have changed.
A/N: Okay, all those who called for a third installment, here it is! This is the follow-up to my two previous Missing Persons challenge stories The Speed of Acceptance and Life After Survival. If you haven’t read those, I suggest that you do so before reading this one, because it just won’t make as much sense.
Profuse thanks are due toaithine, crazymadi, history_gurl for beta-reading, reassurances, and helpful suggestions. history_gurl also gave me the title, which I think I can keep, since she didn’t say she wants it back.
Elizabeth brings Lorne to her office after the debriefing for the joint mission. She gestures for him to close the door. “So, how was it out there?”
He shrugs. “Could’ve been worse.”
She folds her arms and cocks her head, raising her eyebrows. He realizes he will have to be more forthcoming.
“Well, it’s definitely not like it used to be.”
“I wouldn’t expect it to be, without Teyla and Ronon.” She waits.
Lorne sighs. “The two of them don’t talk. I mean, they say what they have to, but they just act like… colleagues, now.”
“Well, maybe they just need more time.”
He shrugs again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I don’t think we can do anything now but watch and wait.”
Elizabeth wants to show her frustration, but it’s never a good idea to lose one’s temper around Kate. “I‘m afraid I can’t accept that.”
Kate looks sympathetic. Elizabeth imagines throwing something at her. “Col. Sheppard is finally dealing with the loss. He’s even taking his team off-world again.”
“Yes, he’s going off-world, but he’s been using a rotation of subs for his missing teammates for weeks. He has to make a permanent choice.”
Kate is unmovable. “He’ll progress at his own pace.”
Elizabeth smiles and pretends it can kill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the gateroom, Lorne watches as Sheppard’s team checks their gear one last time. Lt. Hancock glances up at him and Lorne nods, flashing a discreet thumbs-up. The lieutenant nods back, but doesn’t look reassured.
It’s hard to feel confident on a team with a constantly shifting face, where no one knows the others well enough to tell them to shove it or to understand what they’re saying when they don’t say anything.
It’s hard to believe in a team that’s not a team.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When all’s said and done, it’s a lot of bloody scratches. Carson should be grateful for that.
Sheppard’s upper arm required a few stitches, and Rodney has mild burns on his hands and forearms. Nurses are seeing to the bandaging.
Carson takes over the cleaning of Hancock’s cut scalp, courtesy of a bit of Ancient shrapnel. “How’re you feeling, lad?”
“Fine, sir.”
Bloody stoics. “So, tell me about the explosion.”
“It was my fault, Doc. I moved the device when Dr. McKay said not to.”
Rodney had whinged nonstop during his exam about people not listening. He’d told Sgt. Parks not to move the device, but Col. Sheppard told Hancock to take it closer to a light source so it could be more easily studied. Sheppard had let the tirade blow past him without comment as he was stitched up.
Carson worries that the next team subs will suffer more than cuts and unearned blame for their senior teammates’ inability to communicate with each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bending over the tea she is brewing, Elizabeth feels a twinge of memory as she catches its scent. She’d often shared this and other Athosian blends with Teyla, sometimes in Teyla’s quarters, sometimes in her own, like now.
They had met as two leaders working together for the betterment of their peoples, as senior representatives of the same people, and as friends. Elizabeth knows which aspect she took for granted, and which she misses the most.
The last time they’d made plans for tea, Elizabeth had postponed it because she was tired. The accident cancelled their raincheck.
Losses don’t cancel responsibilities. There are still things that must be done, even though the players have changed.
Her chime sounds, and she puts on a smile as she opens the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rodney shoves Dr. Bensch away from her own laptop because she’s not reading his mind fast enough, then gets angrier because the bandage on his left hand impedes his typing.
At the elbow of the humiliated scientist, Radek murmurs a suggestion about coffee. She storms out. Rodney doesn’t even notice.
Radek slides between Rodney and the keyboard. “Tell me. I’ll type.”
The chief scientist radiates anger and frustration as he dictates. When he bites, Radek bites back. He does so to maintain balance, because enough other things lack that right now.
Radek knows the current fury has nothing to do with the task at hand. Nevertheless, something must change soon. The time has passed for default forgiveness due to grief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You’ve gotta be kidding,” John says. At the other end of the table, Rodney frowns.
Elizabeth looks to Halling, whose calm demeanor is unfazed. “You are, of course, free to refuse.”
“But it’s been months,” Rodney says. “I would’ve thought this was something that needed to be done right after…”
He doesn’t finish. John doesn’t look at him.
“There is no time limit,” Halling says. “My people discussed the ceremony and it was agreed that it should be handled by those she chose as her family.”
Elizabeth feels a pang. Rodney glances vaguely in John’s direction. John doesn’t return the look.
“We’ll do it,” Elizabeth says.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They trudge through the mainland forest together, but separately. The ceremony must be performed at water’s edge, and Rodney loudly and repeatedly questions why the edge of the ocean isn’t good enough. Elizabeth thinks Halling believes the journey to the lake will allow them to prepare spiritually.
She could give him a long list of reasons why he is wrong.
Her burden is awkward, though not heavy. Rodney declared himself too likely to drop or damage it, and John is only present in the most literal definition of the word, so the duty has fallen to her.
She wonders if this wasn’t just a bad idea.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lake is beautiful, clear, and cool. The sound and scent of life surrounds it.
It magnifies their disharmony.
Elizabeth sets the large square cage down and removes the ceremonial blue cloth covering it. John glances briefly at the cage and resumes his bored visual sweep of the vicinity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elizabeth crouches, peering at the tiny bird. It is gold, almost orange, with black-lined eyes and a touch of purple at the edges of its wings and tail.
She’s surprised to feel her eyelids stinging.
“We…” No, she should speak only for herself. “I am greatly enriched by the time I spent with Teyla. I’ll always remember her for her great wisdom, and her inner beauty.”
Her mouth is too full of feeling to say more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rodney wears self-consciousness like a second shirt.
“I, uh, I… really miss you. Her. Teyla. She was a wonderful friend, and a very patient person.” He steps back, then snaps his fingers and steps forward again. “Oh, and she had a great laugh. I really miss that.”
His hands are shaking. Elizabeth smiles at him. He doesn’t see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John stares at the cage. Feeling their expectations, he glances at them and shrugs. “I’m good.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cage door won’t open. The leather thong used to secure it is knotted too tightly. John looks impatient, but Rodney steps in front of him, kneels, and pulls a knife from a pocket. It is large and faintly alien, far too lethal for Rodney. Elizabeth knows where he got it.
Rodney cuts the thong. Seeing John’s dark stare, he folds and puts away the knife quickly. “He lent it to me. Forgot to return it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cage door is open, but Halling was right – the bird doesn’t leave. Rodney helps Elizabeth place the cage on the surface of the water and give it a push. The raft-like bottom carries the bird away from the bank.
It’s almost to the middle of the lake, and still the bird remains. Elizabeth feels Rodney shifting nervously beside her. She has a sense that something is wrong, a feeling of incompleteness. The bird will never leave its cage. The ritual is a failure.
Rodney starts to say something to her, but John walks to the edge of the lake and cups his hands to his mouth. “Fly!” he shouts, not harshly.
Seconds later, the bird darts through the cage door, zipping neatly a few inches above the water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They’ve ritually burned the blue cage-cover. Each of them scoops some of the ashes into a hand and blows them out onto the lake.
Rodney finishes rinsing his hand in the water, frowning. When he stands up, Elizabeth sees he’s again holding the knife. He looks from it to the lake and back again.
She wants to tell him that a keepsake can be a better tribute than a sacrifice, but the decision is his.
John grabs the knife and shoves it roughly back into Rodney’s pocket.
“Ready to go?” he asks, already walking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lab is quiet. Radek and Rodney have debated their points at length (and volume) and are now working in silence. There is no rancor. It is all part of their rhythm.
Rodney is more relaxed since last week’s trip to the mainland. Whispered plans to slip him citrus have been postponed.
Col. Sheppard hovers in the doorway. He hesitates when he sees Radek, who quickly moves off and practices invisibility.
“Colonel.” Rodney barely glances up. “What can we do for you?”
Sheppard enters. There is brief, stilted banter that reminds Radek of dental work. It’s a relief when the colonel starts to leave.
“Also.” Sheppard stops just before the door. “I’m… back in town.”
Rodney frowns in confusion, but Sheppard is already gone. Radek is equally mystified. Sheppard hasn’t been off-world today.
But Rodney’s eyes widen and he stares at the door, looking like the recipient of an expected gift. Then he is turning back to his work, shaking his head and muttering.
Radek thinks he heard him say, “I told him just to call.”
Author: Blade
blade_girlFandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Warnings: Deals with major character death
Summary: Losses don’t cancel responsibilities. There are still things that must be done, even though the players have changed.
A/N: Okay, all those who called for a third installment, here it is! This is the follow-up to my two previous Missing Persons challenge stories The Speed of Acceptance and Life After Survival. If you haven’t read those, I suggest that you do so before reading this one, because it just won’t make as much sense.
Profuse thanks are due to
aithine, crazymadi, history_gurl for beta-reading, reassurances, and helpful suggestions. history_gurl also gave me the title, which I think I can keep, since she didn’t say she wants it back.Elizabeth brings Lorne to her office after the debriefing for the joint mission. She gestures for him to close the door. “So, how was it out there?”
He shrugs. “Could’ve been worse.”
She folds her arms and cocks her head, raising her eyebrows. He realizes he will have to be more forthcoming.
“Well, it’s definitely not like it used to be.”
“I wouldn’t expect it to be, without Teyla and Ronon.” She waits.
Lorne sighs. “The two of them don’t talk. I mean, they say what they have to, but they just act like… colleagues, now.”
“Well, maybe they just need more time.”
He shrugs again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I don’t think we can do anything now but watch and wait.”
Elizabeth wants to show her frustration, but it’s never a good idea to lose one’s temper around Kate. “I‘m afraid I can’t accept that.”
Kate looks sympathetic. Elizabeth imagines throwing something at her. “Col. Sheppard is finally dealing with the loss. He’s even taking his team off-world again.”
“Yes, he’s going off-world, but he’s been using a rotation of subs for his missing teammates for weeks. He has to make a permanent choice.”
Kate is unmovable. “He’ll progress at his own pace.”
Elizabeth smiles and pretends it can kill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the gateroom, Lorne watches as Sheppard’s team checks their gear one last time. Lt. Hancock glances up at him and Lorne nods, flashing a discreet thumbs-up. The lieutenant nods back, but doesn’t look reassured.
It’s hard to feel confident on a team with a constantly shifting face, where no one knows the others well enough to tell them to shove it or to understand what they’re saying when they don’t say anything.
It’s hard to believe in a team that’s not a team.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When all’s said and done, it’s a lot of bloody scratches. Carson should be grateful for that.
Sheppard’s upper arm required a few stitches, and Rodney has mild burns on his hands and forearms. Nurses are seeing to the bandaging.
Carson takes over the cleaning of Hancock’s cut scalp, courtesy of a bit of Ancient shrapnel. “How’re you feeling, lad?”
“Fine, sir.”
Bloody stoics. “So, tell me about the explosion.”
“It was my fault, Doc. I moved the device when Dr. McKay said not to.”
Rodney had whinged nonstop during his exam about people not listening. He’d told Sgt. Parks not to move the device, but Col. Sheppard told Hancock to take it closer to a light source so it could be more easily studied. Sheppard had let the tirade blow past him without comment as he was stitched up.
Carson worries that the next team subs will suffer more than cuts and unearned blame for their senior teammates’ inability to communicate with each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bending over the tea she is brewing, Elizabeth feels a twinge of memory as she catches its scent. She’d often shared this and other Athosian blends with Teyla, sometimes in Teyla’s quarters, sometimes in her own, like now.
They had met as two leaders working together for the betterment of their peoples, as senior representatives of the same people, and as friends. Elizabeth knows which aspect she took for granted, and which she misses the most.
The last time they’d made plans for tea, Elizabeth had postponed it because she was tired. The accident cancelled their raincheck.
Losses don’t cancel responsibilities. There are still things that must be done, even though the players have changed.
Her chime sounds, and she puts on a smile as she opens the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rodney shoves Dr. Bensch away from her own laptop because she’s not reading his mind fast enough, then gets angrier because the bandage on his left hand impedes his typing.
At the elbow of the humiliated scientist, Radek murmurs a suggestion about coffee. She storms out. Rodney doesn’t even notice.
Radek slides between Rodney and the keyboard. “Tell me. I’ll type.”
The chief scientist radiates anger and frustration as he dictates. When he bites, Radek bites back. He does so to maintain balance, because enough other things lack that right now.
Radek knows the current fury has nothing to do with the task at hand. Nevertheless, something must change soon. The time has passed for default forgiveness due to grief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You’ve gotta be kidding,” John says. At the other end of the table, Rodney frowns.
Elizabeth looks to Halling, whose calm demeanor is unfazed. “You are, of course, free to refuse.”
“But it’s been months,” Rodney says. “I would’ve thought this was something that needed to be done right after…”
He doesn’t finish. John doesn’t look at him.
“There is no time limit,” Halling says. “My people discussed the ceremony and it was agreed that it should be handled by those she chose as her family.”
Elizabeth feels a pang. Rodney glances vaguely in John’s direction. John doesn’t return the look.
“We’ll do it,” Elizabeth says.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They trudge through the mainland forest together, but separately. The ceremony must be performed at water’s edge, and Rodney loudly and repeatedly questions why the edge of the ocean isn’t good enough. Elizabeth thinks Halling believes the journey to the lake will allow them to prepare spiritually.
She could give him a long list of reasons why he is wrong.
Her burden is awkward, though not heavy. Rodney declared himself too likely to drop or damage it, and John is only present in the most literal definition of the word, so the duty has fallen to her.
She wonders if this wasn’t just a bad idea.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lake is beautiful, clear, and cool. The sound and scent of life surrounds it.
It magnifies their disharmony.
Elizabeth sets the large square cage down and removes the ceremonial blue cloth covering it. John glances briefly at the cage and resumes his bored visual sweep of the vicinity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elizabeth crouches, peering at the tiny bird. It is gold, almost orange, with black-lined eyes and a touch of purple at the edges of its wings and tail.
She’s surprised to feel her eyelids stinging.
“We…” No, she should speak only for herself. “I am greatly enriched by the time I spent with Teyla. I’ll always remember her for her great wisdom, and her inner beauty.”
Her mouth is too full of feeling to say more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rodney wears self-consciousness like a second shirt.
“I, uh, I… really miss you. Her. Teyla. She was a wonderful friend, and a very patient person.” He steps back, then snaps his fingers and steps forward again. “Oh, and she had a great laugh. I really miss that.”
His hands are shaking. Elizabeth smiles at him. He doesn’t see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John stares at the cage. Feeling their expectations, he glances at them and shrugs. “I’m good.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cage door won’t open. The leather thong used to secure it is knotted too tightly. John looks impatient, but Rodney steps in front of him, kneels, and pulls a knife from a pocket. It is large and faintly alien, far too lethal for Rodney. Elizabeth knows where he got it.
Rodney cuts the thong. Seeing John’s dark stare, he folds and puts away the knife quickly. “He lent it to me. Forgot to return it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cage door is open, but Halling was right – the bird doesn’t leave. Rodney helps Elizabeth place the cage on the surface of the water and give it a push. The raft-like bottom carries the bird away from the bank.
It’s almost to the middle of the lake, and still the bird remains. Elizabeth feels Rodney shifting nervously beside her. She has a sense that something is wrong, a feeling of incompleteness. The bird will never leave its cage. The ritual is a failure.
Rodney starts to say something to her, but John walks to the edge of the lake and cups his hands to his mouth. “Fly!” he shouts, not harshly.
Seconds later, the bird darts through the cage door, zipping neatly a few inches above the water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They’ve ritually burned the blue cage-cover. Each of them scoops some of the ashes into a hand and blows them out onto the lake.
Rodney finishes rinsing his hand in the water, frowning. When he stands up, Elizabeth sees he’s again holding the knife. He looks from it to the lake and back again.
She wants to tell him that a keepsake can be a better tribute than a sacrifice, but the decision is his.
John grabs the knife and shoves it roughly back into Rodney’s pocket.
“Ready to go?” he asks, already walking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lab is quiet. Radek and Rodney have debated their points at length (and volume) and are now working in silence. There is no rancor. It is all part of their rhythm.
Rodney is more relaxed since last week’s trip to the mainland. Whispered plans to slip him citrus have been postponed.
Col. Sheppard hovers in the doorway. He hesitates when he sees Radek, who quickly moves off and practices invisibility.
“Colonel.” Rodney barely glances up. “What can we do for you?”
Sheppard enters. There is brief, stilted banter that reminds Radek of dental work. It’s a relief when the colonel starts to leave.
“Also.” Sheppard stops just before the door. “I’m… back in town.”
Rodney frowns in confusion, but Sheppard is already gone. Radek is equally mystified. Sheppard hasn’t been off-world today.
But Rodney’s eyes widen and he stares at the door, looking like the recipient of an expected gift. Then he is turning back to his work, shaking his head and muttering.
Radek thinks he heard him say, “I told him just to call.”
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-11 05:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2007-01-11 04:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-11 04:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-12 03:51 am (UTC)Thank you for including Elizabeth, and Lorne and Kate and Radek. I love the Athosian ritual, and how the bird wouldn't leave because John hasn't said anything. Meep.
“Also.” Sheppard stops just before the door. “I’m… back in town.”
That was truly lovely. Everything from the first story to this last scene is beautifully and thoughtfully written.
Thank you. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-12 04:10 am (UTC)I should probably thank everyone who asked for another story - both times. Because I seriously wouldn't have written two more otherwise.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-12 01:29 pm (UTC)They're all very touching - the different PoVs, their different way of healing and dealing with the situation - and the ceremony was just beautiful and befits the habits of the Athosians.
I usually avoid stories that contain character deaths but it was really worth reading those three. Thanks a lot!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-12 01:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-23 03:54 am (UTC)Still, I liked your ending. Way more hopeful than what I had in mind. When you wrote them in the infirmary, I was certain you were going to write John freaking out because Rodney was dying. *g*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-23 04:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2007-04-02 03:02 pm (UTC)