sga_flashfic | Thrice Lucky Frog, by Lobelia (fairy tale challenge)

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Title: Thrice Lucky Frog
Author: Lobelia;

lobelia321
Rating: PG
Words: 950
Characters: Rodney McKay/Ronon Dex, Radek Zelenka, John Sheppard.
Summary: Rodney is a frog. Can he kiss a human to transform him into a mate?

Thrice Lucky Frog,
by Lobelia

1.
Rodney McKay was a frog.

He had a green permeable skin, vomerine teeth on the roof of his mouth, strong long hindlegs, and a tongue that curled round towards the back of his throat.

Rodney McKay hadn't always been a frog. Once upon a time, he'd been a scientist. But that time was so long ago, that his amphibian brain could barely remember it. All he knew was that something had happened, some sort of weird potion or lotion or motion thing, in some alien place. And after the weird something had happened, pouf -- he'd become a frog.

Life as a frog was great. One got to shoot one's tongue out at passing flies. One got to hop about, great big HUGE hops, flexing one's muscles and stretching one's webbed toes. One got to croak a most beautifully resonant croak.

Spring came along.

Spring was mating season.

Rodney McKay was a lone frog. And this was not a good thing to be during the mating season.

Time to find another frog, said Rodney McKay's little ranine brain.

So Rodney the Ranine hopped off to find himself a mate.

2.
Rodney had to kiss three humans to see which one of them was secretly a frog.

The first human he kissed had blonde dreadlocks and smelled of fishgut.

Are you the mate of my soul and a frog at heart?, enquired Rodney. But the human did not understand Rodney's sonorous croakings and merely chucked Rodney's chin with his big fishy finger.

"Poor Rodney," said the human.

Some remote blip of memory wandered briefly across the synapses of Rodney's froggy brain but here yesterday, gone today.

Rodney activated his peroneus muscles and jumped three metres. He landed on the human's shoulder.

"Hey," said the human.

Show me the mouth, said Rodney.

"Hey, that's ticklish. Hey, what..."

Rodney flipped out his prehensile, 70-centimetre tongue and whacked it across the human's lips.

The human stayed human.

One down, second time lucky, croaked Rodney.

3.
The second human he kissed wore spectacles and sat in front of a computer.

Rodney the frog landed on the keyboard with a satisfied plop. The pads on his toes made a suction noise and the screen displayed a long and hoppity line of nsdkfjkjdksdfjkdsk.

"Oi," said the human. "Get off."

Are you the mate of my soul?

The human took his spectacles off and peered at Rodney with big bleary eyes.

Are you a frog at heart?

"Poor Rodney," said the human. He lifted his hand and stroked Rodney along the back with one soft forefinger. Rodney's anuran skin shivered.

Are you the frog mate of my soul?

"But now, please move away. Because, you know: the faster I work, the sooner we'll have you back to normal. And..."

Rodney whipped out his undulating tongue and, before the human could finish his sentence and close his mouth, insinuated the tip of it between the human's lips.

The human tasted of sugary doughnut.

"Gggr," said the human. He stayed resolutely human.

Two down, third time lucky.

"I'm not a fly, you know," the human said and wiped his mouth with his hand.

4.
Buffeted by the winds of change, Rodney the frog braved the outside world.

On the topmost parapet of the topmost balcony, beyond the highest pinnacle and atop the highest tower, sat a tousle-haired human with a golf club by his side.

Are you the frog of my heart?

"Hey, little guy," said the human. "Out for a walk?"

Are you the soul of my mate?

"It's spring, little frog. Spring!" The human stretched his arms above his head.

Will you engage in amplexus with me?

"C'mere, you green slime ball." Without ado, the human picked up Rodney -- he wiggled his hindlegs --, lifted him to face-level and planted a wet, noisy smacker right on Rodney's nose.

Rodney croaked.

"If I kiss you enough," said the human, "do you think you'll turn back into a man?"

The human pressed his lips to Rodney's cranium. A funny sensation happened in Rodney's pelvic area. A memory of something, of a penis, of erections, stirred briefly in the recesses of his shrunken brain but it came and went and left only the need to spray his sperm in the springtime.

"If I kiss you three times," said the human, "will you turn into a prince?"

And the human parted his lips, and the frog shot out his tongue, and the human's tongue and the frog's tongue, mucous membrane against mucous membrane, joined.

And lo and pouf -- three down, third time lucky!

You're a frog!, Rodney croaked in ecstasy. Mate of my soul! Let me clasp you between my nuptial pads and join with you for hours and hours and hours!

5.
"Okay, you two, break it up. We've cracked the algorithm, and the botanists have retro-plasmaed the genetic code of the toxin you swallowed, and how the hell both of you turned into amphibians, I cannot fathom. Jesus, what is this sticky stuff? How can these two be prised apart?"

"Don't even try, Zelenka," said one of the zoologists. "Frogs mate for hours. They secrete a sort of mucous jelly that glues them together. I think we should wait with the transformation procedure until this, um, unusual behaviour is over."

"Oh no," said the human with the spectacles as a slow grin spread across his features. "I don't think we should wait at all. Activate the machine!"

Pouf.

THE END
20 May 2008

ETA: When I started this story, I wasn't thinking of

resonant8's frog-fic The Familiar at all but as I was typing, I remembered it and thought that it must surely have crept into my unconscious unawares. :-) So here is my opportunity to acknowledge and pimp that wonderful fic!

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From:

sp23.livejournal.com

Hahahahaha! Oh, man, froggy public sex. Zelenka is so evil. This was terrific. :-D

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