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sga_flashfic-title- Earthlier Happy; or, a Midsummer Night's Bad Trip, Act II
-author- Sophonisba (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
saphanibaal)
-warnings- This was, originally, a Tale with Fairies in It, but has now become (if it weren't already) Crack. Crackity crack crack. This was originally going to be part of my long AU, but the Zophonisbeion evolved beyond it, so this is, well, an AU that splits off at the beginning of Season 2, mostly. Also, sex pollen herb.
-pairings- Lots. Canon het; Weir/Radim; Cadman/Brown; Kavanagh/Beckett; one or two spoilerfic het pairings; unrequited Weir/Zelenka; and Implications of all shapes, sizes, and flavors.
-spoilers- Through "McKay and Mrs. Miller." Also, through "The Pegasus Project" of Stargate: SG-1, to be safe.
-disclaimer- Stargate: Atlantis, and the entire Stargate franchise for that matter, is not mine in any way, shape or form, unless it be that I turn out to own stock in MGM or UA or one of the lesser companies involved in some way with it. The characters and half the situations are from said franchise; the other half of the situations and large chunks of the dialogue are the doings of one Wm. Shaksper/Shexpere/Shakespeare, who tended to borrow his from all-over-everywhere as it is. The part of the plot not borrowed from him was loosely inspired by Punk and Pares's "Superpowers," with the aid of Arthurian folklore, Final Fantasy VII (which belonged to Nomura Tetsuya and SquareEnix last I checked) and a fajita dinner. Also, there are numerous references to popular culture.
-word count- 8461
-summary- Elizabeth is getting married; Cadman wants to, and has run off to Proculus in order to force Atlantis's hand; (Daniel is married, and, moreover, in Atlantis;) Kavanagh and Sora are bitching; Janus and Morgan le Fey are spectacularly bitching; Sheppard and team want to get everything under control and their skit for the wedding rehearsed; and Chaya just wishes everything were happening in somebody else's back yard.
Earthlier Happy;
or, A Midsummer Night's Bad Trip
Act I
II. i. The woods of Proculus. Evening.
[March of the Cute Little Wood Sprites -- P.D.Q. Bach]
[A screen of the sort transparent when backlit, painted to resemble an uninhabited bit of Proculus. On it, glowing spots of light move around as if dancing, each a different color; they include a golden one, a blue one, and an orange one. As the song plays, several of them glide offstage one way or another, until the only ones left on are the blue one moving about stage center and the stationary golden one lower down and stage mid-right]
GOLDEN LIGHT
[When the lights "speak," they blink on and off in the best blinkenlights tradition. The golden light has a teenage boy's voice]
Uh... who are you, bonascenza, and how is it you live?
BLUE LIGHT [girl's voice]
[singing, attempting to fit the words to the tune of the latter part of "March of the Cute Little Wood Sprites," with results better heard than described] Over hill, over dale,
Throrough brush, thorough briar,
Over park, over pale,
Thorough flood, thorough fire,
I do wander everywhere,
Swifter than a moonë's sphere;
And serve love and beauty's queen,
To dew her orbs upon the green.
The cowslips tall her pensioners be:
In their gold coats spots you see;
Those be rubies, fairy favours,
In those freckles live their savours;
I must --
[music ends]
BLUE LIGHT
[singing] -- go seek some dew-drops --
[speaking] I'm sorry, did you want something?
GOLDEN LIGHT
Come, tell me how you live,
And what it is you do!
BLUE LIGHT
Well, I have ascended --
GOLDEN LIGHT
So I perceive.
BLUE LIGHT
-- due to the great queen, the youngest one, and her sweet friend; and that great queen herself gave me into the keeping of the lady Chaya Sar, whose world this is, for instruction and, er... [trails off in embarrassment]
GOLDEN LIGHT
Safeguarding?
BLUE LIGHT
One could say as much.
[What Is Love -- Haddaway]
GOLDEN LIGHT
[aside] I myself am no stranger to such. [to BLUE LIGHT] This... distresses you?
BLUE LIGHT
The lady Chaya bears no love for what I once was; indeed, I scarcely blame her, for it was hateful to me myself, and lost me the dearest thing I had ever had; and even now, she has no insight into ME.
GOLDEN LIGHT
Even among we Ascended, not everyone is as wise as my oma; yet take heart. Her dear lady, the great queen of whom you spoke, comes here this rotation with the others of the Light, to consult with Chaya on some matter that may have to do with you.
[An ORANGE LIGHT appears high stage left]
[music abruptly cuts off]
ORANGE LIGHT [young man's voice]
Oh, most wonderful. Janus and his disciples are coming here tonight; you had better warn your mistress and her followers to stay out of their way.
GOLDEN LIGHT
Why?
BLUE LIGHT
Janus is furious that the queen has another recently-Ascended in her train, a boy stolen from... um... somebody unpleasant in another galaxy.
ORANGE LIGHT
Desala rightfully made off with him from the local forces of disharmony -- which, seriously, are worse than the ones here; they want to be adored as gods even by those they use to their deaths, whereas your pallid nasties don't really care what you think as long as they can eat you...
BLUE LIGHT
...um, actually, what the person is thinking flavors the energies of their spirit and their mortal soul, which is what the Wraith consume, not being able to subsist on the energies that bind the universe together the way we do now. Um. Sorry to interrupt.
["What is Love" starts up again from where it had paused]
GOLDEN LIGHT
No. no, it's very interesting.
BLUE LIGHT
It's... it's not... I know it's wrong to drink someone's spirit, let alone a soul, and I'm sure they wouldn't if they could -- well, some of them wouldn't if they could --
GOLDEN LIGHT
It's very easy to slip into doing the wrong thing when you can, so that's why you should only use your power for things that don't affect anyone else, to be safe.
BLUE LIGHT
But if you... hurt somebody... you should fix it, right? If you can fix it? Sometimes you can't, and then it just weighs --
ORANGE LIGHT
Which is when you fix things for somebody else important to you.
BLUE LIGHT
But wouldn't --
[simultaneously]GOLDEN LIGHT
But that--
ORANGE LIGHT
Anyway,
[music cuts off again]
ORANGE LIGHT
so she was one of our party, and went to the effort to raise him up right, as one of us instead of one of them, but when she was lost to us, Ganos stole the boy and took off, when Janus was perfectly willing to take over his mentorship the way he took over all of ours. But no, that's not good enough for this lady Morgan, and she holds him like a rockrunner with its hoard, unwilling even to let us perceive him.
GOLDEN LIGHT
[throat-clearing noise]
ORANGE LIGHT
And now they never meet, on surface or in space, without going at it hammer and tongs; and all we younger ones hide, go orthagonal, or find something interesting on the other side of the nebula until they're done.
[At this point, the spots of light slowly start changing into people standing or sitting, as the case might be, in spotlights of the appropriate color]
GOLDEN LIGHT
[slowly] Either I am completely getting things wrong from simple impressions, or -- you are Skaara?
BLUE LIGHT
[interested noise]
ORANGE LIGHT
Well, yes.
GOLDEN LIGHT
The son of Kasuf?
ORANGE LIGHT/SKAARA
It isn't actually that common a name. Yes.
GOLDEN LIGHT
Kerner of the Armies of Abydos?
SKAARA
Yes, yes, and yes -- wait.
[By this point, although we cannot see them clearly, it is apparent that Skaara is sitting in a tree fork upstage left, the girl is standing in a blue light center stage looking at him, and the boy (whose face is likewise turned away from the audience) is sitting on a rock downstage right, and that all three of them are wearing black Japanese stagehand pajamas]
SKAARA
You're Sha`re's kid! The one all the fuss is about!
BOY IN GOLDEN LIGHT
[half-turning face back to stage front] My name is Shifu.
[If the above special effects have been managed via painted screen, this is the point where it should go away]
SKAARA
But you are my sister's son.
SHIFU
You... would consider me such?
SKAARA
As the great general O'nil says, duh.
SHIFU
And yet I am... of the race and seed who...
BLUE-LIT GIRL
The Kerner is... mistaken. Not in this, but earlier.
["What Is Love" resumes once more]
BLUE-LIT GIRL
If you do not seek worship -- if you have learned pity and patience -- you may go among those you would have as kin, as freely as they, and be welcomed! [She whirls on SHIFU, revealing herself to be ELLIA] Why do you even question such fortune, when the least of the Morgans and Janus the archwizard and your own mother's brother are all vying for your company, when I -- when I -- [ELLIA breaks off, shocked]
SHIFU
When you teach constellations to burn bright.
[ELLIA and SKAARA both stare at him]
SHIFU
And so do hang upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in my other mother's ear --
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!
So shows a Thoroughbred playing herd to kine
As you above your species' hosts shine.
Grant me your leave to come to where you stand
And, touching yours, make blessed my rude hand.
SKAARA
[whispering] Hist! You're in the wrong play.
ELLIA
[to SHIFU] You mistake quite; behold these my hands [holding up hands, spreading them to show their mouths clearly] shall,
Now seeming sweet, convert to bitt'rest gall.
Hunger perforce with wilful mercy meeting
Made my flesh tremble in their different greeting.
My father and I, alike in this one prayer,
Sought other ways I might eat for my sake,
Yet, failing that, my faith turned to despair,
And chose I with these hands mortal lives to take,
Until, lost in madness, my father I slew,
And in return, by his new friends was slain,
Though another to save me was urged,
And led me from death's borders to this lofty plane.
For both their sakes, what else for me to do,
But, pilgrim-humble, serve till my sin is purged?
SHIFU
[having approached during her speech] Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which filial devotion shows in this,
For saints have hands that palmer's hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss.
[He lays his right hand flat against ELLIA's left. The lights on both of them brighten immensely, as they begin glowing]
SKAARA
What heritage maternal shows in this!
[aside] Well, at least it isn't five hundred synonyms for "light hair." Althouh vast as we all are, he's not likely to inscribe his efforts on pieces of pot that can be snatched and waved under the noses of any writing students this one may have.
[Enter CHAYA, in white spotlight, stage right]
CHAYA
Ellia! Elli-- oh.
SKAARA
[dropping out of tree] I think they're going to be like this for a while.
CHAYA
Which -- in general this might be a good thing, Ganos at least should be happy with it, but not now!
Aside, children, the queen is coming here.
SKAARA
And here my mentor -- let us soon get clear!
[SKAARA and CHAYA push at the sharing couple until SHIFU and ELLIA sink through the trapdoor they happen to be standing on, the music fading with them. The other two Ascended beings hastily conceal themselves behind foliage]
[Grand Serenade for an Awful Lot of Winds and Percussion -- P.D.Q. Bach]
[Enter JANUS with his train (in the form of glowing globes) at one entrance, and MORGAN LE FEY with her entourage of lights at another, during the first movement, "Entrance"]
JANUS
Ill met by moonlight, haughty Ganos Lal.
MORGAN
What, greedy Janus Chak! Comrades, skip hence,
I have forsworn his bed and company.
JANUS
Tarry, rash wanton; art thou not my bride?
MORGAN
Then thou must be my bridegroom; but I know
When thou hast stol'n down to the mortal planes,
And in the shape of Harry sat all day,
Playing at judging lives, and versing love
To oblivious Nan Boleyn.
JANUS
She'd not
Look at me else, being loyal to her lord.
MORGAN
And thou took'st not the hint?! [pauses] Why art thou here,
Come from the farthest star of the milk's path,
But that, forsooth, the time-traveler's clone,
Your project's mistress and your star-crossed love,
To Ladon must be wedded; and you come
To give their bed joy and prosperity.
JANUS
How can thou thus, for shame, my lady fair,
Glance at my credit with Elizabeth,
Knowing I know thy love for Accolon?
Didst thou not lead him through the glimmering night
And make him with thy brother break his faith?
Nor him alone; has not thy fancy lighted
On Urien Rheged, whom thou ravish'd,
On Holger and on Launcelot du Lac?
MORGAN
Holger of Danemarch was my mother's love.
JANUS
Excuse the error, into which I fell,
Through your using alike that "Morgan" name
For mother, daughter, and granddam; the which
Confuseth many a lesser mind than mine.
How doth thy grandam, Morgan Manat Dar?
MORGAN
Well enough.
JANUS
And thy mother Morg' Cades?
MORGAN
Well.
JANUS
And Oberon thy brother, the son she bore
To Gaius Julius?
MORGAN
Thou know'st as well as I,
That he is gone beyond the planes we know,
And left his realm to Gwyn reborn and to
Arthur our brother, born of our shared dam.
JANUS
And Bleisina Morcades, likewise born,
Whose mortal shape thou wor'st to seduce
That same Arthur, and bear his sister-son?
MORGAN
These are the forgeries of jealousy;
And never, since the three years' summer's spring,
Met we on hill, in dale, forest, or mead,
By pavëd fountain, or by rushy brook,
In star's verge, or aurora of a pole,
Or on the beachëd margent of the sea,
To dance our ringlets to the whistling wind,
But with thy brawls thou hast disturb'd our sport.
Therefore the winds, piping to us in vain,
As in revenge, have suck'd up from the seas
Contagious fogs; which, falling on the lands,
Hath every pelting river made so proud
That they have overborne their continents:
These floods from world to world across the stars
Their ills have spread, which rise and wash the air
That rheumatic diseases do abound:
And thorough this distemperature we see
The seasons alter: so the spring, the summer,
The childing autumn, angry winter, change
Their wonted liveries; and the maz'd world,
By their increase, now knows not which is which:
And this same progeny of evils comes
From our debate, from our dissension:
We are their parents and original.
JANUS
Do you amend it, then: it lies in you:
Why should the youngest great queen cross her king?
I do but beg a little changeling boy
To be my henchman.
MORGAN
Set your heart at rest;
The universe buys not the child of me.
Desala was a playmate of my youth,
And in the spicëd Indian air, by night,
Full often hath she gossip'd by my side;
And sat with me on Lanka's yellow sands,
Marking the embarkëd traders on the flood;
When we have laugh'd to see the sails conceive,
And grow big-bellied with the wanton wind;
Which we, with pretty and with swimming gait
Following, -- then nothing more than mortal maids --
Would imitate; and sail upon the land,
To seek out new life, and return again,
As from a voyage, fraught with enterprise.
But she, being headstrong, raised up a lower sort,
And for his sake was bounded in a bond,
And for their sake made herself a zero sum.
So, for her sake, do I rear up her boy;
And for her sake I will not part with him.
JANUS
How long upon this world intend you stay?
MORGAN
Perchance till after your girl's wedding-day.
If you will wear a shape solid to the touch,
And see our starlight revels, go with us;
If not, shun me, and I will spare your haunts.
JANUS
Give me that boy and I will go with thee.
MORGAN
Not for all thy discov'ries. Friends, away:
We shall chide downright if I longer stay.
[Exeunt MORGAN and her TRAIN]
JANUS
[climbs into the tree fork where SKAARA had been sitting] Well, go thy way: thou shalt not from this world
Till I torment thee for this injury.
My gentle Skaara, hither --
SKAARA
[emerging from behind bush, hobbling as if with a hump] Yeeessss, Maaaster. Is there a reason for this formality of manner?
JANUS
Thus we decree our commands of import,
That they be felt across the universe.
I fear me lest thou hast spent overlong
Watching the career of thy first mentor.
SKAARA
[straightening] It was fun, though.
Especially the magic-lantern show
With the yellow images of men
As a glass held up to our follies.
JANUS
[coughs] Rememberest thou, my student Skaara,
How once I took thee to a nebula,
And saw a Flying Spaghetti Monster,
Uttering such dulcet and harmonious breath,
That the rude cloud grew civil at his song,
And certain stars shot madly to their spheres
To hear the Monster's music?
SKAARA
I remember.
JANUS
That very time I saw, but thou couldst not,
Flying between Sirius and Sol,
A certain power: his wilful aim he took,
At a fair vestal, thronëd by the north;
And loos'd his love-ray swift from his device,
As it should pierce a hundred thousand hearts;
But I might see this Cupid's fiery shaft
Diffracted by an occluding moon
And the imperial votaress passed on,
In maiden meditation, fancy-free.
Yet mark'd I where the ray of love sank in:
It was absorbed by a stand of furze --
Before rose-green, now purple with desire--
And Jaffa call it "the sex pollen herb."
Fetch me that weed, the plant I showed thee once:
Its nectar soft in sleeping nostrils laid
Will make or man or woman madly dote
Upon the next live creature that it scents.
Fetch me this herb: and be thou here again
Ere a Stargate's link should lose its hold.
SKAARA
I'll put a girdle round the galaxies
In half a sandglass.
[Exit SKAARA stage left]
JANUS
Having once this flower,
I'll charm Morgan's earthly form to sleep,
And blow the nectar of it in her nose,
And waft its dust about the shape she wears:
The next scent then that she waking shall catch,
Be it of lyon, bear, or cat, or bull,
Of meddling monkey, or of busy ape,
She shall pursue it with the soul of love.
And ere I take this charm from off her veins,
As I can take it with another herb,
I'll make her render her project to me.
But who comes here? I am invisible;
And I will overhear their conference.
[Enter BECKETT, KAVANAGH, and SORA stage left, looking very banged up.
BECKETT's arm is in a sling, and KAVANAGH has a large bandage on his forehead]
KAVANAGH
Well, this is a fine mess. Unexpected ion storm, my ass.
BECKETT
I thought I saw images within, as of people, or beings beyond mortal ken.
KAVANAGH
What, we got run over by a Midair Ascended Parade?
SORA
Ancestors!
BECKETT
Well, er, perhaps.
KAVANAGH
Be that as it may, we've lost the runaways' trail, we've lost the settlement, and we've lost us when we crashed.
BECKETT
We didn't crash; we just landed... somewhat abruptly... in an unknown location... upside down.
KAVANAGH
This must be some new definition of "landed" I'm not familiar with.
SORA
I hear that it is any one you may walk away from.
KAVANAGH
Nobody asked you.
BECKETT
Nobody asked either of you to come, for that matter. [examines scanner, makes a noise in his throat, hits the scanner, clucks, and puts it away in a pocket] Where are Laura and Katie?
SORA
[aside to KAVANAGH] I don't know, but I'm nearly ready to kill them when we find them.
KAVANAGH
[aside to SORA] Kill Dr. Brown if you must -- Cadman's doings have been killing me,
And I anticipate returning the favor.
BECKETT
You told me they'd scarpered to this world, and here we are awhirl upon this world, because we cannot find Katie or Laura.
I think we should split up. You at least should stay here and rest.
KAVANAGH
You're drawing me, you stupid magnet!
[pause]
KAVANAGH
Oh, you might as well draw your weapon, for that matter, considering the way you've drawn my -- well! -- as true as steel. Stop it with the drawing, and I'll stop following you into catastrophe or -- or this.
BECKETT
[very startled] Have I been doing anything to play with you, or to lead you on, since I met Laura? Have I done anything to --
KAVANAGH
No.
And that's why.
BECKETT
I'm sorry, but I don't...
KAVANAGH
"Being your slave, what should I do but tend / Upon the hours and times of your desire? / I have no precious time at all to spend / Nor services to do, till you require."
BECKETT
Sit down, do -- I'll get something for you, I think I can get the radio in the puddlejumper moving -- only stay here, lean your head back on this rock, don't move. [to SORA] Keep him still!
[Exit BECKETT, moving quickly, stage left. KAVANAGH starts to follow him; SORA stops him and pushes him down to sit on a rock]
KAVANAGH
Don't push it, hostage girl. It makes me sick to look at you.
SORA
With that knock on the head, I'm not surprised. I'd be sick if I looked like you.
KAVANAGH
I'm surprised you dared take off this way, with two strange men who have no reason to love you, into the night, here in a deserted place.
[SORA looks him up and down]
SORA
Oh, I'm so afraid for my virginity.
No wonder you aren't enamored of Teyla like the rest.
KAVANAGH
What, in your tenure with us you never heard the gossip that I'm the division's slut? I could have sex with anyone in the city.
SORA
Funny; most of the people I've met don't seem to be lining up to have sex with you.
KAVANAGH
[rises] You've met the wrong half. [grabs SORA and pulls her in for a kiss; she twists out of his grasp and pushes him back down to the rock]
SORA
Oh, sure, invert the normal way of things. The dove pursues the griffon, the mild hind makes speed to catch the raptor -- bootless speed,
When cowardice pursues and valor flies.
KAVANAGH
Oh, yeah? Carson at least was happy enough with me before Laura Cadman came along.
SORA
Really.
KAVANAGH
Really.
SORA
And yet this Cadman came along.
KAVANAGH
And yet this Cadman, as you name her, has run off with Katie Brown in order to try to force everyone into accepting their getting married before the Alliance goes through, having drawn Caldwell's attention to this state of affairs.
SORA
Is that why we're chasing them?
KAVANAGH
Why did you think? Idiot woman. Watch while the local velociraptors or whatever eat you while I'm nice and safely hidden. [staggers up] Scram! Go to -- wherever, and stop following me! [feints stage right, then runs stage left] Goddamnit, Carson, what am I supposed to do? I can't very well fight for your person with the woman who dumped you. [exit, stage left]
SORA
For one thing, she'd win. [yells stage left] I've got my own reasons for following, you louse! [runs offstage left]
JANUS
Fare thee well, nymph: ere he do leave this grove,
Thou shalt fly him, and he shall seek thy love.
[Enter SKAARA, stage right, holding a PLANT with three stalks behind his back, proceeding stage left. As he passes in front of the tree CHAYA is hiding behind, she reaches out and breaks off one of the stalks]
JANUS
Hast thou the flower there? Welcome, wanderer.
SKAARA
Yes, here it is. [produces two-stalked PLANT]
JANUS
I pray thee give it me. [takes PLANT and waves his entourage
closer. SKAARA and all the lights draw nearer as JANUS drops his voice]
JANUS
I know a bank whereon the wild thyme blows,
Where ox-lips and the nodding violet grows;
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses, and with eglantine:
There sleeps proud Morgan sometime of the night,
Lulled in her body with dances and delight;
And there the snake throws her enamell'd skin,
Weed wide enough to wrap a human in:
SKAARA
That's a big snake.
JANUS
Yet a tame one, it seems --
And with the dust of this I'll spice her dreams,
And make her full of hateful fantasies.
[JANUS holds the PLANT out to SKAARA]
JANUS
Take thou some of it,
[SKAARA pulls off another of the stalks of the PLANT]
JANUS
And seek throughout this grove:
A sweet fair redhead is secretly in love
With a haughty Tellurian, who still
Remains enamored of another 'gainst his will;
Find the arrogant one and anoint his nose,
But do it when the next thing this wood shows
May be the lady: thou shalt know the man
By the glasses and blue shirt he hath on.
Effect it with some care, that he may prove
More fond on her than she upon her love:
And look thou meet me ere the first dawnglow.
SKAARA
Fear not, my lord; your student shall do so.
[Exeunt JANUS, with PLANT STALK, and all his people but SKAARA]
SKAARA
Hist! Nephew! Ellia-maid!
CHAYA
[coming out of hiding] Ellia! Child!
[The bright greenish-white mix reappears center stage and slowly separates into blue and gold as SHIFU and ELLIA reappear]
ELLIA
[startled] When did you get here, Elder Sar?
SKAARA
Well, this is a turn-up.
SHIFU
This sorrowful lady is -- well, she is with me. What have you to say to that?
SKAARA
Oh, nothing much; you might have brought home a Godslayer,
Or a professional burglar and scavenger of rubbish-heaps.
CHAYA
No one is bringing anyone anywhere yet.
SKAARA
Yet; but give it time;
We shall all be glad to know you when it is done.
I have an errand, and fear I must be gone!
[Exit SKAARA with PLANT STALK]
CHAYA
Finally!
I have an errand for you, girl.
ELLIA
Can Shifu come?
CHAYA
If he please.
While you were out of it, some Tellurians came by, including a sadly parted couple. There is a scientist whose love is all directed still to a man who spurned him for a soldier. The soldier has since plighted troth to another lady, and the two of them are my guests this night; to save them bother, and to reward constancy and ease the sage's pain, go find this hybrid-Alteran man and anoint his nose with this. [hands ELLIA her PLANT STALK]
ELLIA
What is it?
SHIFU
[peering at flower] Oh.
CHAYA
The nectar of the pistil awakens devotion to whatever the scenter shall next smell; so be careful to use it on him when the scientist is there. The pollen of the anthers, for that matter, awakens desire; it should not matter too much if you get some of that in his nose as well, given how much the groundlings mix it in.
ELLIA
Is that bad?
CHAYA
It's well enough in its way; I will teach you
To wear a shape like to a mortal woman,
And you can try it for yourself.
SHIFU
And we can.
CHAYA
As you please.
ELLIA
How shall I know this man?
CHAYA
By the Atlantean uniform he wears.
I trust you've not forgot it?
ELLIA
No, indeed, mistress.
<;b>SHIFU
Is anyone else here?
CHAYA
Perhaps some of mine,
And a maid of the Genii people,
With garb of different cut. She has no stake in this.
ELLIA
How can you tell?
CHAYA
I'd be a fine queen of love and beauty if I couldn't.
She's perhaps attracted a little to the angry man I spoke of,
But what of that? I was attracted a little to Daniel son of Claire,
And made no effort to seduce him to my side.
SHIFU
Good.
I should have had to smite you if you had.
CHAYA
You're a thousand years too young
To take me on, here in this place of mine.
Enough of this; go you with your flower,
As any of my people might have done,
And I will see to it that they sleep.
[Exeunt.]
II. ii. Morgan le Fey's guest-grove on Proculus.
[At the rear of the grove is a raised bank lush with flowers. At stage right, in the distant background, is an upside-down, tilted puddlejumper, with dirt smears along its sides. Ignoring it, in the center of the grove, is MORGAN, with her TRAIN, now largely consisting of PERSONS in various lights]
MORGAN
Come, now a canon, or a mortal song,
Then, for the third part of a minute, hence;
Some to leave off these feigned shells of men,
Some to enjoy our simulated dreams,
And some to keep guard lest either I
Fit myself completely in, or lose my Self thereby.
Make you your choices, sing me now asleep;
Then to your offices, and let me rest. [throws herself down on raised bank full of flowers and closes her eyes]
[Who Am I -- Leonard Bernstein]
REDHEADED ASCENDEE
[sings the song in question]
Hence away; now all is well.
One, aloof, stand sentinel.
[Exeunt ASCENDED PERSONS, save for a BLONDE ASCENDEE, who stands guard.
MORGAN sleeps]
[Enter JANUS with PLANT STALK]
[Nighttime Roam Music -- Sakura Taisen I -- Tanaka Kouhei]
[The BLONDE ASCENDEE blinks, yawns, blinks ferociously, and slumps over in a heap, asleep. JANUS blinks, shrugs, and sneaks up to where MORGAN is
sleeping]
JANUS
What thou smell'st when thou dost wake, [squeezes PLANT FLOWERS into MORGAN's nose]
Do it for thy true-love take;
Love and languish for his sake;
Be it ounce, or cat, or bear,
Pard, or boar with bristled hair,
In thy eye that shall appear
When thou wak'st, it is thy dear;
Wake when some lesser thing is near.
[JANUS waves the PLANT STALK liberally about, whacking it against trees, and sending up a positive cloud of dust. He blinks suddenly, looks from side to side, and hurries away.]
II. iii. Another part of the woods of Proculus.
[Enter CADMAN and KATIE]
CADMAN
Well. We are completely, utterly, totally, and absolutely lost. You look about ready to drop; let's camp here for the night and find our way in the morning.
KATIE
[yawns] If you would set up, I'll just... rest a bit...
[Nighttime Roam Music -- Sakura Taisen I -- Tanaka Kouhei]
CADMAN
One turf shall serve as pillow for us both;
One heart, one bed, two bosoms, and one troth.
KATIE
Two?
CADMAN
It's a collective noun. I think.
KATIE
"O, take the sense, sweet, of my innocence;
Love takes the meaning in love's conference.
I mean that my heart unto yours is knit;
So that but one heart we can make of it."
CADMAN
I said that.
KATIE
Forgive me then, Mistress.
CADMAN
"Two bosoms interchainëd with an oath;
So then two bosoms and a single troth.
Then by your side no bed-room me deny;
For lying so," [pauses meaningfully] Katie, I do not lie.
KATIE
As you desire; "and good night, sweet friend:
Thy love ne'er alter till thy sweet life end!"
CADMAN
Amen, amen, to that fair prayer say I;
And then end life when I end loyalty!
Here is my bed: Sleep give thee all his rest!
KATIE
With half that wish the wisher's eyes be pressed! [giggles sleepily]
CADMAN
We did that [yawns] well, I think.
What comes next?
KATIE
Next, [yawns] they fall asleep.
CADMAN
... c'n do that.
[They sleep, wrapped in each other's arms]
[Astérix, main theme -- Gérard Calvi]
[Enter SKAARA, with PLANT STALK]
SKAARA
Through the forest have I gone,
But Atlantean found I none,
On whose eyes I might approve
This flower's force in stirring love.
Night and silence! Who is here?
[examines CADMAN and KATIE] ...perhaps I don't need this [flourishes PLANT STALK, giving off a cloud of pollen] after all.
Sweet fair redhead -- this be she,
And... another redhead, more feisty.
This one wears a shirt of blue,
But no glasses -- oh.
[SKAARA rises to his feet and sets the PLANT STALK down on a handy rock]
SKAARA
She found a friend.
[bending down again]
The arrogant man must have lost her, so..
[rising] I'd better find him and bring him here -- no.
Which is the lady that he must love?
So entangled, it's hard to --
[bending down again] I should separate them, douse him, bring him here in his sleep, then wake the redheads up one by one and find out, from what they say, which one's in love with him. No wonder Auntie Desala said worldly matters are always more complicated than you think.
[SKAARA begins to disentangle CADMAN and KATIE, with many grunts, hampered by the fact that each of the redheads keep trying to grab hold of the other in their sleep. At last, they are lying well apart.]
SKAARA
Rest you there;
And soon, your secret love will be here,
Whichever of yours he is. Sleep and dream of him.
[SKAARA starts to exit, runs back, retrieves the PLANT STALK from the
rock, and exits]
[Enter ELLIA and SHIFU]
SHIFU
-- and so, you see, it's a bit -- what have we here?
ELLIA
Tellurians. Atlantean Tellurians.
SHIFU
[examines KATIE] This lady is...
ELLIA
... the scientist Chaya spoke of.
SHIFU
How can you tell?
ELLIA
This is the uniform the Expedition wears; this blue color, worn by their scientists.
SHIFU
A pretty blue, but not as fair as this. [runs finger down ELLIA's cheek
gill slit]
ELLIA
[flushes bluer] You stay there!
SHIFU
Perhaps I took in some of the flower's pollen
When crafting a form solid enough to move.
ELLIA
[walking over to CADMAN] As may be; don't distract me now. This, then, must be the fickle man she loves. Poor scientist, she dares not lie near this... lacklove, this kill-courtesy. [squeezes PLANT FLOWER into CADMAN's nose]
Churl, upon thy nose I throw [shakes PLANT STALK]
All the power this charm doth owe; [shakes PLANT STALK]
When thou wak'st let love forbid [shakes PLANT STALK]
Sleep his seat on thy -- what rhymes with "forbid?"
SHIFU
I like the way you put language together.
ELLIA
I learned from the pages of my father's books.
SHIFU
[starts suddenly] What was that?
ELLIA
It came from the grove set aside for Morgan's use.
[ELLIA runs up, takes SHIFU's hand in her unoccupied one, and the two exeunt running hand-in-hand.]
II. iv. A clearing near Morgan le Fey's guest-grove on Proculus.
[At stage left is an upside-down, tilted puddlejumper, with dirt smears along its sides. At the rear is a puddlejumper, parked right-side-up, with its rear door open. TEYLA and RONON are standing outside, weapons at ready; FORD and MCKAY are leaning over the scanner in the latter's hand]
MCKAY
...so those two dots are probably Katie and Cadman. Now these three are spread out, but they're on the move, so the two with the ATA-gene are probably Carson and Kavanagh; and since they're headed this way, they're probably coming back to their puddlejumper, so we may as well rehearse your skit while we stick around waiting for them.
FORD
Makes sense... sir?
SHEPPARD [inside puddlejumper]
Go for it.
[MCKAY and FORD move out into the rest of the stage; SHEPPARD and ZELENKA enter from puddlejumper]
FORD
[handing round clipped-together sheets of paper] And this is an excellent place for our rehearsal. We'll have this flat bit
for our stage, the puddlejumpers for --
SHEPPARD
For our audience.
FORD
-- for our audience, and this bushy bit here for backstage; and time's short, so we'll start blocking out our action, the way we'll do it for Dr. Weir.
ZELENKA
[sadly] Elizabeth...
MCKAY
You know, Radek, that's starting to get a little tiresome.
[We're Not Gonna Make It -- The Presidents of the United States of America]
TEYLA
[peering at the front page of her script] Aiden?
FORD
What is it, Teyla?
TEYLA
There are some things in here that will be... difficult to stage. For one thing, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself, which will terrify some of the guests.
SHEPPARD
That is a problem.
RONON
Maybe we'll need to leave the killing out?
MCKAY
Teyla, you're the prologue, RTFM. Or S, as the case might be. You get to explain before all the action that we will do no harm with our swords, and that Pyramus is not killed indeed; and for the more better assurance, tell them that I Pyramus am not Pyramus but Dr. Rodney McKay, who has no intention of placing his person anywhere near a sharp blade, and anyone who's still scared is probably too stupid to be at the wedding in the first place.
FORD
Exactly; we have a prologue, and --
SHEPPARD
Some of the kids might be scared of the lion.
ZELENKA
I shudder just to think of it. [shudders] See?
MCKAY
[dryly] Gentlemen, you ought to consider with yourselves: to bring in, God shield us! a lion among ladies is a most dreadful thing: for there is not a more fearful wild-fowl than your lion living; and we ought to look to it.
FORD
There's the other prologuity bit that tells he isn't a lion.
SHEPPARD
So he needs to have his costume show his face clearly, and explain to everyone how he is Ronon Dex.
ZELENKA
I do not see that that would cause the audience to fear him less.
TEYLA
[ignoring them] And we must bring the moonlight within the hall; for, you see, Pyramus and Thisby meet by moonlight.
RONON
Are the moons shining tomorrow night?
MCKAY
Let me check. [retrieves laptop, opens it, types in a few keystrokes] Both of them will be in the sky early that night; the near one will be full, and the far one waxing gibbous.
RONON
Then we leave one of the windows in the hall open, and they can shine in the windows.
FORD
Actually, we're going to have someone play Moonshine, which will be me or Dr. Zelenka.
ZELENKA
You, then.
SHEPPARD
Why not you?
ZELENKA
[snorts] Typecasting.
RONON
Shouldn't there be two of you? One for each moon?
FORD
So Dr. Z and I will play the moons. There. That leaves us needing a wall, because Pyramus and Thisby speak through a hole in the wall between their rooms.
TEYLA
We can never bring in a wall.
SHEPPARD
We just need to get something that looks like it -- some chicken wire or something -- and the parents can hold it up.
MCKAY
Someone has to be Wall. Wall has lines.
SHEPPARD
[shrugs] So we'll see who can get changed quickest, and whoever manages it can be Wall. Relax.
FORD
If everyone will clear the stage, we can start rehearsing. Stage right exit is behind that bush, and stage left is in between the puddlejumpers. Teyla, the prologue has the stage to herself, so if you'll go in the puddlejumper and start memorizing your speech, we'll start running through the first scene proper out here. Places, people.
[Enter SKAARA, stage right; enter SHIFU and ELLIA, stage left. As they speak, the Atlanteans rehearse in dumb show in the background, nattering and grommishing]
ELLIA
What in the worlds are they doing? Here, of all places?
SKAARA
They're rehearsing a play, or entertainment. Keep invisible and watch; it's likely to be funny, and we might get to play a joke on them.
SHIFU
Is that all right?
SKAARA
As long as you do no more than you might have in the body, anything goes. Perhaps you haven't actually had the opportunity, but I myself used to be very tricksy and sneaky, and the Young Miss here...
ELLIA
It would be... nice, to creep about for a reason that hurt no one.
SHIFU
I can be sneaky, too.
ELLIA
I am quite sure you could.
SHIFU
And I have an idea.
SKAARA
You perceive us all ears.
SHIFU
Round and about the galaxy from here, there is a system where life-force rises in tides and sweeps about its worlds, bathing them and flowing in sheets and channels. Round that sun there flies a planet, and round that planet there flies a moon, and around and within that moon the tides of life-force are concentrated into visible plasma, rising and ebbing in their channels with the life of their world; in places it concentrates to solid or mere liquid, and here I have a portion of that liquid, souvenir of my visit with the great queen to the ruins of that world's City of the Ancients. [holds aloft phial, which is glowing a sinister green]
ELLIA
And what would you with that?
SHIFU
Wait and watch and see.
[The rehearsal becomes audible again]
FORD
Okay, take it from "Thisby, the flowers."
MCKAY
[broadly declaiming, waving his rolled-up script in one hand for emphasis] Thisby, the flowers of odious savours sweet --
FORD
Odours, odours.
MCKAY
I said "odours."
FORD
You said "odious."
MCKAY
I said "odours!" Didn't I say "odours"?
ZELENKA
It sounded like "odours."
SHEPPARD
Sounded pretty odious to me.
RONON
I thought you said "hors d'oeuvres."
MCKAY
That doesn't even make any sense! You've been spending too much time picking it up from the Americans if you can't understand the language when
it's spoken to you plain as day --
SHEPPARD
Aren't we translating this into Gatespeak? I thought we were translating it into Gatespeak.
FORD
We are speaking in Gatespeak.
ZELENKA
[sympathetically] Sometimes I forget what language I am speaking, too.
MCKAY
The... flowers... of... o-dours... savours... sweet:
So hath thy breath, my dearest Thisby dear.
But hark, a voice! stay thou but here awhile,
And by and by I will to thee appear.
[Exit MCKAY, stalking off magnificently, behind the bush]
[ZELENKA and RONON clap, as do SKAARA and ELLIA]
SKAARA
[aside to SHIFU and ELLIA] A stranger Pyramus than e'er played here!
SHIFU
My cue.
["With cat-like tread" -- H.M.S. Pinafore -- Gilbert and Sullivan]
[Exit SHIFU, sneaking, face veil pulled up, behind the bush]
SHEPPARD
My cue?
FORD
Yours, sir.
SHEPPARD
[reading from script, dialing his normal flirtatious behavior up] Most radiant Pyramus, most lily white of hue,
Of colour like the red rose on triumphant brier,
Most brisky juvenal, and eke most lovely Jew,
As true as truest horse, that would never tire,
I'll meet thee, Pyramus, at Neenoose's tomb.
MCKAY [behind bush]
Ninus' tomb! It's pronounced "Ninus' tomb" -- ow!
RONON
You okay?
MCKAY
I'm fine. Something stung me.
SHEPPARD
You're sure you can handle it? No antivenin or anything?
MCKAY
Look, if I start to have an allergic reaction during the half-minute it'll take you to get your lines right, I will recognize the symptoms, pull out my handy autoinjector which I have here in my vest, and plunge it into myself. [starts coughing]
FORD
You're sure you're all right?
MCKAY [behind bush]
[hoarsely, angrily] Fine.
FORD
If you're sure... [to Sheppard] and sir, you jumped your cue.
SHEPPARD
I did?
FORD
That "I'll meet thee" bit. That's the first of the lines you say after Dr. McKay says his next speech.
SHEPPARD
Then why isn't his speech in here so I can tell where to stop?
FORD
Let me see that... [looks at script] ...huh. Last time I ask Randy to print something out for me.
SHEPPARD
He's very truly run after these days, like the rest of us. From the top?
FORD
From the beginning of your speech, sir.
SHEPPARD
Most radiant Pyramus, most lily white of hue,
Of colour like the red rose on triumphant brier,
Most brisky juvenal, and eke most lovely Jew,
As true as truest horse, that would never tire.
[Enter MCKAY, his blue eyes lit such that they appear to glow blue, and
SHIFU behind him, holding his face veil aside to reveal a shit-eating
grin]
MCKAY
[with rasping reverb] If I were fair, Thisby, I were only thine: --
[Ride of the Valkyries -- Wagner]
FORD
WHAT THE FUCK?! [draws stunner]
SKAARA
Shit! [lunges across clearing, slapping FORD's stunner and causing it to make a strange sound instead of discharging]
TEYLA
[entering from puddlejumper] What is it?
MCKAY
[with rasping reverb] What? What? Where? [ducks]
[ELLIA darts up behind RONON, smacks his gun, and starts drawing his knives, piling them in her arms]
SHIFU
I didn't mean --
SHEPPARD
Scatter!
[The Atlanteans start running this way and that. ZELENKA dives into the open puddlejumper, knocking TEYLA back inside it before it slams shut. SHEPPARD, FORD, and RONON exeunt different directions]
SKAARA
Next time, you fix the weapons first! You wouldn't want anyone to get hurt or maybe killed, would you?
[MCKAY picks himself up and knocks on the door of the occupied puddlejumper, which doesn't open]
SHIFU
I'm sorry! I didn't think -- but it was sort of funny, wasn't it?
ELLIA
It was -- but now we need to make sure it all works out.
[MCKAY snorts, stalks over to the upside-down puddlejumper, waits for its doors to open, and climbs in it]
SKAARA
Here, let us lead them round about again,
Looking like everything and nothing,
And quickly think of some way to explain --
Illusion pollen, or perhaps some local bug.
[Enter FORD]
MCKAY [on radio]
[with rasping reverb] What is it? Why did everyone take off?
FORD
[touches radio] Who are you? How did you get hold of McKay?
MCKAY [on radio]
[with rasping reverb] It is me, you idiot! [groans] Ooh...
[SKAARA whacks FORD on the shoulder. When he whirls, ELLIA starts dancing before exiting stage left, and FORD follows, pursued by SHIFU and SKAARA]
[Enter MCKAY from upside-down puddlejumper]
MCKAY
[touches radio][with rasping reverb] What did everyone see to make them take off like that?
ZELENKA [on radio]
I see my superior, a man almost as brilliant as he thinks he is, fearfully and wonderfully changed.
MCKAY
[touches radio][with rasping reverb] What -- oh. Oh, I get it. Very funny. However did you get Ronon to play along? [pause]
Now, I am going to walk back off this alleged stage, and I am going to
keep walking for five hundred paces, and then I am -- [groans] and then I am going to sit down until this bit of indigestion goes away; and when I come back, I expect you will have finished with your practical joke, won't you, Teyla? Now...
[Exit MCKAY stage right]
MCKAY [offstage]
[with rasping reverb] One... two... three... [fades away]
[The puddlejumper opens. ZELENKA peers out, scanner in hand]
ZELENKA
Anyone?
[Enter SHEPPARD and CHAYA, stage left]
CHAYA
... and I can ask them to be reasonable, but I am limited and they are not, and they are, well, very young. In our terms.
SHEPPARD
Ah, yes. "The Squire of Gothos."
[Enter ZELENKA and TEYLA, from puddlejumper]
ZELENKA
If you cannot play nicely with your pets, you may not have any pets.
TEYLA
Doctor McKay? Is he all right?
SHEPPARD
Chaya says he is.
[Enter FORD and RONON]
CHAYA
A substance full of energy got into his bloodstream --
FORD
He said something stung him, ma'am.
CHAYA
[nods] And it, being akin to the metal you call naquadah, has certain similar effects on absorption.
ZELENKA
Such as the overtoned voice.
CHAYA
An initial effect, soon lost as it breaks down.
FORD
And the glowing eyes.
CHAYA
Which will likely last until most of it has passed through.
TEYLA
And he will take no ill of it?
CHAYA
It won't kill him, and the side effects will be gone soon enough.
SHEPPARD
You didn't say anything about side effects.
[RONON growls]
CHAYA
I thought it obvious enough. Nothing lasting, but it is a dose of radiation; nothing bodies such as those we were born with cannot handle, but a slight hurdle for --
SHEPPARD
McKay took a retrovirus to give himself the ATA gene!
FORD
He doesn't come by it naturally!
CHAYA
[sniffs] Well, that's perfectly obvious to the most casual perception. I was saying, given his genetic makeup --
RONON
[softly] What about his genetic makeup?
CHAYA
That he will adapt well to this, and gain something of strength and reflexes the while.
TEYLA, FORD, and RONON
Oh, wonderful.
CHAYA
Not like that. It is Photon energy --
ZELENKA
Is not all electromagnetic radiation of photons made?
CHAYA
The energy we call Photon; need you have reused the term?
ZELENKA
It came from Greek.
TEYLA
I thought it came from us.
CHAYA
Getter energy, then; concentrated life itself.
FORD
What, he got shot up with mako?!
CHAYA
Yes. Precisely. That!
FORD
It's about time one of these worked for us.
[to SHEPPARD et al.] This should not affect his mind
Unless a giant alien squid picks now to reassemble. Yeah.
CHAYA
From what Ganos told me, I think that thing's dead.
TEYLA
Milady Sar, shining among women, can you perchance tell us
Where our scattered comrades might be found?
ZELENKA
The scanner is strangely acting. [holds it out]
CHAYA
[to SHEPPARD] The young lovers who fled here for safekeeping
Are directly that way [points]; I trust you will be kind.
In that direction [points] are your other three,
Caught in the maze of confusion whence I led
You and your comrades just now; [takes scanner from ZELENKA and strokes it a few times] this device
Will lead you to them, when they are ready.
TEYLA
When they are ready, milady?
CHAYA
[to SHEPPARD] And your suspicious friend has gone
[points] That way, no great distance; he is safe enough
Although it may take him some time to return.
SHEPPARD
Thank you, Chaya; that's very kind of you.
Zelenka and, uh, Teyla, if you would, go and find where our lovebirds have settled down for the night, and talk them into coming back. Be persuasive. Give our reasons. I'd rather not drag them home by the hair if we don't have to.
RONON
[aside] Shame to waste Cadman's glorious hair as a leash.
SHEPPARD
Ford, Ronon, take the scanner, if you would,
[RONON takes it from CHAYA and hands it to FORD]
SHEPPARD
Rescue our lost lambs, and bring them back here. I suspect at least one of
them is a Small and Sorry Rabbit by now; try not to make fun of them too obviously, don't lose the jumper [waves at upside-down jumper], and take the first-aid kit.
TEYLA
And you?
SHEPPARD
I'll take this jumper, collect Rodney, and act as a central coordinator. Radio me if you need a pickup; if nobody needs transportation, I'll start collecting people based on how far they are from this spot. We'll meet back here.
CHAYA
John?
SHEPPARD
Will you be able to do anything for Rodney once I find him?
CHAYA
Nothing they'd let me.
SHEPPARD
Sigh. Well, there's this lining;
He would have griped unceasingly if you had.
[SHEPPARD starts to exit into puddlejumper; CHAYA, on his heels, catches his sleeve]
CHAYA
John, I thought --
SHEPPARD
McKay is in discomfort, maybe pain, out there alone.
I thought we knew each other. Have we changed?
[SHEPPARD takes CHAYA by the waist, picks her up, and sets her down outside the jumper doors, which close between them. The jumper, a moment later, rises into the air and out of sight]
CHAYA
Well!
TEYLA
Colonel Sheppard can sometimes be abrupt when he is worried.
RONON
Nah, he's just an asshole. Some people are. He doesn't mean to, and it's nothing to do with you. [pats CHAYA's arm]
CHAYA
John does not recognize the cues that you use
For social interaction, having learned his
In a different school, alike but unequal,
And, guessing at them, oft misses the mark.
RONON
And with all this fumbling round in the dark
He's probably not worth it in the short term.
FORD
[aside to TEYLA and ZELENKA] Am I the only one a little disturbed?
ZELENKA
[aside to FORD] Well, we had planned to throw him at her...
TEYLA
We know our objects; let us soon be gone.
ZELENKA
Good luck!
FORD
Same!
[Exeunt, TEYLA and ZELENKA upstage, FORD stage left, followed by RONON and CHAYA, heads close together]
FORD [offstage]
Dr. Beckett, is that you?
-author- Sophonisba (
saphanibaal)-warnings- This was, originally, a Tale with Fairies in It, but has now become (if it weren't already) Crack. Crackity crack crack. This was originally going to be part of my long AU, but the Zophonisbeion evolved beyond it, so this is, well, an AU that splits off at the beginning of Season 2, mostly. Also, sex pollen herb.
-pairings- Lots. Canon het; Weir/Radim; Cadman/Brown; Kavanagh/Beckett; one or two spoilerfic het pairings; unrequited Weir/Zelenka; and Implications of all shapes, sizes, and flavors.
-spoilers- Through "McKay and Mrs. Miller." Also, through "The Pegasus Project" of Stargate: SG-1, to be safe.
-disclaimer- Stargate: Atlantis, and the entire Stargate franchise for that matter, is not mine in any way, shape or form, unless it be that I turn out to own stock in MGM or UA or one of the lesser companies involved in some way with it. The characters and half the situations are from said franchise; the other half of the situations and large chunks of the dialogue are the doings of one Wm. Shaksper/Shexpere/Shakespeare, who tended to borrow his from all-over-everywhere as it is. The part of the plot not borrowed from him was loosely inspired by Punk and Pares's "Superpowers," with the aid of Arthurian folklore, Final Fantasy VII (which belonged to Nomura Tetsuya and SquareEnix last I checked) and a fajita dinner. Also, there are numerous references to popular culture.
-word count- 8461
-summary- Elizabeth is getting married; Cadman wants to, and has run off to Proculus in order to force Atlantis's hand; (Daniel is married, and, moreover, in Atlantis;) Kavanagh and Sora are bitching; Janus and Morgan le Fey are spectacularly bitching; Sheppard and team want to get everything under control and their skit for the wedding rehearsed; and Chaya just wishes everything were happening in somebody else's back yard.
Earthlier Happy;
or, A Midsummer Night's Bad Trip
Act I
II. i. The woods of Proculus. Evening.
[March of the Cute Little Wood Sprites -- P.D.Q. Bach]
[A screen of the sort transparent when backlit, painted to resemble an uninhabited bit of Proculus. On it, glowing spots of light move around as if dancing, each a different color; they include a golden one, a blue one, and an orange one. As the song plays, several of them glide offstage one way or another, until the only ones left on are the blue one moving about stage center and the stationary golden one lower down and stage mid-right]
GOLDEN LIGHT
[When the lights "speak," they blink on and off in the best blinkenlights tradition. The golden light has a teenage boy's voice]
Uh... who are you, bonascenza, and how is it you live?
BLUE LIGHT [girl's voice]
[singing, attempting to fit the words to the tune of the latter part of "March of the Cute Little Wood Sprites," with results better heard than described] Over hill, over dale,
Throrough brush, thorough briar,
Over park, over pale,
Thorough flood, thorough fire,
I do wander everywhere,
Swifter than a moonë's sphere;
And serve love and beauty's queen,
To dew her orbs upon the green.
The cowslips tall her pensioners be:
In their gold coats spots you see;
Those be rubies, fairy favours,
In those freckles live their savours;
I must --
[music ends]
BLUE LIGHT
[singing] -- go seek some dew-drops --
[speaking] I'm sorry, did you want something?
GOLDEN LIGHT
Come, tell me how you live,
And what it is you do!
BLUE LIGHT
Well, I have ascended --
GOLDEN LIGHT
So I perceive.
BLUE LIGHT
-- due to the great queen, the youngest one, and her sweet friend; and that great queen herself gave me into the keeping of the lady Chaya Sar, whose world this is, for instruction and, er... [trails off in embarrassment]
GOLDEN LIGHT
Safeguarding?
BLUE LIGHT
One could say as much.
[What Is Love -- Haddaway]
GOLDEN LIGHT
[aside] I myself am no stranger to such. [to BLUE LIGHT] This... distresses you?
BLUE LIGHT
The lady Chaya bears no love for what I once was; indeed, I scarcely blame her, for it was hateful to me myself, and lost me the dearest thing I had ever had; and even now, she has no insight into ME.
GOLDEN LIGHT
Even among we Ascended, not everyone is as wise as my oma; yet take heart. Her dear lady, the great queen of whom you spoke, comes here this rotation with the others of the Light, to consult with Chaya on some matter that may have to do with you.
[An ORANGE LIGHT appears high stage left]
[music abruptly cuts off]
ORANGE LIGHT [young man's voice]
Oh, most wonderful. Janus and his disciples are coming here tonight; you had better warn your mistress and her followers to stay out of their way.
GOLDEN LIGHT
Why?
BLUE LIGHT
Janus is furious that the queen has another recently-Ascended in her train, a boy stolen from... um... somebody unpleasant in another galaxy.
ORANGE LIGHT
Desala rightfully made off with him from the local forces of disharmony -- which, seriously, are worse than the ones here; they want to be adored as gods even by those they use to their deaths, whereas your pallid nasties don't really care what you think as long as they can eat you...
BLUE LIGHT
...um, actually, what the person is thinking flavors the energies of their spirit and their mortal soul, which is what the Wraith consume, not being able to subsist on the energies that bind the universe together the way we do now. Um. Sorry to interrupt.
["What is Love" starts up again from where it had paused]
GOLDEN LIGHT
No. no, it's very interesting.
BLUE LIGHT
It's... it's not... I know it's wrong to drink someone's spirit, let alone a soul, and I'm sure they wouldn't if they could -- well, some of them wouldn't if they could --
GOLDEN LIGHT
It's very easy to slip into doing the wrong thing when you can, so that's why you should only use your power for things that don't affect anyone else, to be safe.
BLUE LIGHT
But if you... hurt somebody... you should fix it, right? If you can fix it? Sometimes you can't, and then it just weighs --
ORANGE LIGHT
Which is when you fix things for somebody else important to you.
BLUE LIGHT
But wouldn't --
[simultaneously]GOLDEN LIGHT
But that--
ORANGE LIGHT
Anyway,
[music cuts off again]
ORANGE LIGHT
so she was one of our party, and went to the effort to raise him up right, as one of us instead of one of them, but when she was lost to us, Ganos stole the boy and took off, when Janus was perfectly willing to take over his mentorship the way he took over all of ours. But no, that's not good enough for this lady Morgan, and she holds him like a rockrunner with its hoard, unwilling even to let us perceive him.
GOLDEN LIGHT
[throat-clearing noise]
ORANGE LIGHT
And now they never meet, on surface or in space, without going at it hammer and tongs; and all we younger ones hide, go orthagonal, or find something interesting on the other side of the nebula until they're done.
[At this point, the spots of light slowly start changing into people standing or sitting, as the case might be, in spotlights of the appropriate color]
GOLDEN LIGHT
[slowly] Either I am completely getting things wrong from simple impressions, or -- you are Skaara?
BLUE LIGHT
[interested noise]
ORANGE LIGHT
Well, yes.
GOLDEN LIGHT
The son of Kasuf?
ORANGE LIGHT/SKAARA
It isn't actually that common a name. Yes.
GOLDEN LIGHT
Kerner of the Armies of Abydos?
SKAARA
Yes, yes, and yes -- wait.
[By this point, although we cannot see them clearly, it is apparent that Skaara is sitting in a tree fork upstage left, the girl is standing in a blue light center stage looking at him, and the boy (whose face is likewise turned away from the audience) is sitting on a rock downstage right, and that all three of them are wearing black Japanese stagehand pajamas]
SKAARA
You're Sha`re's kid! The one all the fuss is about!
BOY IN GOLDEN LIGHT
[half-turning face back to stage front] My name is Shifu.
[If the above special effects have been managed via painted screen, this is the point where it should go away]
SKAARA
But you are my sister's son.
SHIFU
You... would consider me such?
SKAARA
As the great general O'nil says, duh.
SHIFU
And yet I am... of the race and seed who...
BLUE-LIT GIRL
The Kerner is... mistaken. Not in this, but earlier.
["What Is Love" resumes once more]
BLUE-LIT GIRL
If you do not seek worship -- if you have learned pity and patience -- you may go among those you would have as kin, as freely as they, and be welcomed! [She whirls on SHIFU, revealing herself to be ELLIA] Why do you even question such fortune, when the least of the Morgans and Janus the archwizard and your own mother's brother are all vying for your company, when I -- when I -- [ELLIA breaks off, shocked]
SHIFU
When you teach constellations to burn bright.
[ELLIA and SKAARA both stare at him]
SHIFU
And so do hang upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in my other mother's ear --
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!
So shows a Thoroughbred playing herd to kine
As you above your species' hosts shine.
Grant me your leave to come to where you stand
And, touching yours, make blessed my rude hand.
SKAARA
[whispering] Hist! You're in the wrong play.
ELLIA
[to SHIFU] You mistake quite; behold these my hands [holding up hands, spreading them to show their mouths clearly] shall,
Now seeming sweet, convert to bitt'rest gall.
Hunger perforce with wilful mercy meeting
Made my flesh tremble in their different greeting.
My father and I, alike in this one prayer,
Sought other ways I might eat for my sake,
Yet, failing that, my faith turned to despair,
And chose I with these hands mortal lives to take,
Until, lost in madness, my father I slew,
And in return, by his new friends was slain,
Though another to save me was urged,
And led me from death's borders to this lofty plane.
For both their sakes, what else for me to do,
But, pilgrim-humble, serve till my sin is purged?
SHIFU
[having approached during her speech] Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which filial devotion shows in this,
For saints have hands that palmer's hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss.
[He lays his right hand flat against ELLIA's left. The lights on both of them brighten immensely, as they begin glowing]
SKAARA
What heritage maternal shows in this!
[aside] Well, at least it isn't five hundred synonyms for "light hair." Althouh vast as we all are, he's not likely to inscribe his efforts on pieces of pot that can be snatched and waved under the noses of any writing students this one may have.
[Enter CHAYA, in white spotlight, stage right]
CHAYA
Ellia! Elli-- oh.
SKAARA
[dropping out of tree] I think they're going to be like this for a while.
CHAYA
Which -- in general this might be a good thing, Ganos at least should be happy with it, but not now!
Aside, children, the queen is coming here.
SKAARA
And here my mentor -- let us soon get clear!
[SKAARA and CHAYA push at the sharing couple until SHIFU and ELLIA sink through the trapdoor they happen to be standing on, the music fading with them. The other two Ascended beings hastily conceal themselves behind foliage]
[Grand Serenade for an Awful Lot of Winds and Percussion -- P.D.Q. Bach]
[Enter JANUS with his train (in the form of glowing globes) at one entrance, and MORGAN LE FEY with her entourage of lights at another, during the first movement, "Entrance"]
JANUS
Ill met by moonlight, haughty Ganos Lal.
MORGAN
What, greedy Janus Chak! Comrades, skip hence,
I have forsworn his bed and company.
JANUS
Tarry, rash wanton; art thou not my bride?
MORGAN
Then thou must be my bridegroom; but I know
When thou hast stol'n down to the mortal planes,
And in the shape of Harry sat all day,
Playing at judging lives, and versing love
To oblivious Nan Boleyn.
JANUS
She'd not
Look at me else, being loyal to her lord.
MORGAN
And thou took'st not the hint?! [pauses] Why art thou here,
Come from the farthest star of the milk's path,
But that, forsooth, the time-traveler's clone,
Your project's mistress and your star-crossed love,
To Ladon must be wedded; and you come
To give their bed joy and prosperity.
JANUS
How can thou thus, for shame, my lady fair,
Glance at my credit with Elizabeth,
Knowing I know thy love for Accolon?
Didst thou not lead him through the glimmering night
And make him with thy brother break his faith?
Nor him alone; has not thy fancy lighted
On Urien Rheged, whom thou ravish'd,
On Holger and on Launcelot du Lac?
MORGAN
Holger of Danemarch was my mother's love.
JANUS
Excuse the error, into which I fell,
Through your using alike that "Morgan" name
For mother, daughter, and granddam; the which
Confuseth many a lesser mind than mine.
How doth thy grandam, Morgan Manat Dar?
MORGAN
Well enough.
JANUS
And thy mother Morg' Cades?
MORGAN
Well.
JANUS
And Oberon thy brother, the son she bore
To Gaius Julius?
MORGAN
Thou know'st as well as I,
That he is gone beyond the planes we know,
And left his realm to Gwyn reborn and to
Arthur our brother, born of our shared dam.
JANUS
And Bleisina Morcades, likewise born,
Whose mortal shape thou wor'st to seduce
That same Arthur, and bear his sister-son?
MORGAN
These are the forgeries of jealousy;
And never, since the three years' summer's spring,
Met we on hill, in dale, forest, or mead,
By pavëd fountain, or by rushy brook,
In star's verge, or aurora of a pole,
Or on the beachëd margent of the sea,
To dance our ringlets to the whistling wind,
But with thy brawls thou hast disturb'd our sport.
Therefore the winds, piping to us in vain,
As in revenge, have suck'd up from the seas
Contagious fogs; which, falling on the lands,
Hath every pelting river made so proud
That they have overborne their continents:
These floods from world to world across the stars
Their ills have spread, which rise and wash the air
That rheumatic diseases do abound:
And thorough this distemperature we see
The seasons alter: so the spring, the summer,
The childing autumn, angry winter, change
Their wonted liveries; and the maz'd world,
By their increase, now knows not which is which:
And this same progeny of evils comes
From our debate, from our dissension:
We are their parents and original.
JANUS
Do you amend it, then: it lies in you:
Why should the youngest great queen cross her king?
I do but beg a little changeling boy
To be my henchman.
MORGAN
Set your heart at rest;
The universe buys not the child of me.
Desala was a playmate of my youth,
And in the spicëd Indian air, by night,
Full often hath she gossip'd by my side;
And sat with me on Lanka's yellow sands,
Marking the embarkëd traders on the flood;
When we have laugh'd to see the sails conceive,
And grow big-bellied with the wanton wind;
Which we, with pretty and with swimming gait
Following, -- then nothing more than mortal maids --
Would imitate; and sail upon the land,
To seek out new life, and return again,
As from a voyage, fraught with enterprise.
But she, being headstrong, raised up a lower sort,
And for his sake was bounded in a bond,
And for their sake made herself a zero sum.
So, for her sake, do I rear up her boy;
And for her sake I will not part with him.
JANUS
How long upon this world intend you stay?
MORGAN
Perchance till after your girl's wedding-day.
If you will wear a shape solid to the touch,
And see our starlight revels, go with us;
If not, shun me, and I will spare your haunts.
JANUS
Give me that boy and I will go with thee.
MORGAN
Not for all thy discov'ries. Friends, away:
We shall chide downright if I longer stay.
[Exeunt MORGAN and her TRAIN]
JANUS
[climbs into the tree fork where SKAARA had been sitting] Well, go thy way: thou shalt not from this world
Till I torment thee for this injury.
My gentle Skaara, hither --
SKAARA
[emerging from behind bush, hobbling as if with a hump] Yeeessss, Maaaster. Is there a reason for this formality of manner?
JANUS
Thus we decree our commands of import,
That they be felt across the universe.
I fear me lest thou hast spent overlong
Watching the career of thy first mentor.
SKAARA
[straightening] It was fun, though.
Especially the magic-lantern show
With the yellow images of men
As a glass held up to our follies.
JANUS
[coughs] Rememberest thou, my student Skaara,
How once I took thee to a nebula,
And saw a Flying Spaghetti Monster,
Uttering such dulcet and harmonious breath,
That the rude cloud grew civil at his song,
And certain stars shot madly to their spheres
To hear the Monster's music?
SKAARA
I remember.
JANUS
That very time I saw, but thou couldst not,
Flying between Sirius and Sol,
A certain power: his wilful aim he took,
At a fair vestal, thronëd by the north;
And loos'd his love-ray swift from his device,
As it should pierce a hundred thousand hearts;
But I might see this Cupid's fiery shaft
Diffracted by an occluding moon
And the imperial votaress passed on,
In maiden meditation, fancy-free.
Yet mark'd I where the ray of love sank in:
It was absorbed by a stand of furze --
Before rose-green, now purple with desire--
And Jaffa call it "the sex pollen herb."
Fetch me that weed, the plant I showed thee once:
Its nectar soft in sleeping nostrils laid
Will make or man or woman madly dote
Upon the next live creature that it scents.
Fetch me this herb: and be thou here again
Ere a Stargate's link should lose its hold.
SKAARA
I'll put a girdle round the galaxies
In half a sandglass.
[Exit SKAARA stage left]
JANUS
Having once this flower,
I'll charm Morgan's earthly form to sleep,
And blow the nectar of it in her nose,
And waft its dust about the shape she wears:
The next scent then that she waking shall catch,
Be it of lyon, bear, or cat, or bull,
Of meddling monkey, or of busy ape,
She shall pursue it with the soul of love.
And ere I take this charm from off her veins,
As I can take it with another herb,
I'll make her render her project to me.
But who comes here? I am invisible;
And I will overhear their conference.
[Enter BECKETT, KAVANAGH, and SORA stage left, looking very banged up.
BECKETT's arm is in a sling, and KAVANAGH has a large bandage on his forehead]
KAVANAGH
Well, this is a fine mess. Unexpected ion storm, my ass.
BECKETT
I thought I saw images within, as of people, or beings beyond mortal ken.
KAVANAGH
What, we got run over by a Midair Ascended Parade?
SORA
Ancestors!
BECKETT
Well, er, perhaps.
KAVANAGH
Be that as it may, we've lost the runaways' trail, we've lost the settlement, and we've lost us when we crashed.
BECKETT
We didn't crash; we just landed... somewhat abruptly... in an unknown location... upside down.
KAVANAGH
This must be some new definition of "landed" I'm not familiar with.
SORA
I hear that it is any one you may walk away from.
KAVANAGH
Nobody asked you.
BECKETT
Nobody asked either of you to come, for that matter. [examines scanner, makes a noise in his throat, hits the scanner, clucks, and puts it away in a pocket] Where are Laura and Katie?
SORA
[aside to KAVANAGH] I don't know, but I'm nearly ready to kill them when we find them.
KAVANAGH
[aside to SORA] Kill Dr. Brown if you must -- Cadman's doings have been killing me,
And I anticipate returning the favor.
BECKETT
You told me they'd scarpered to this world, and here we are awhirl upon this world, because we cannot find Katie or Laura.
I think we should split up. You at least should stay here and rest.
KAVANAGH
You're drawing me, you stupid magnet!
[pause]
KAVANAGH
Oh, you might as well draw your weapon, for that matter, considering the way you've drawn my -- well! -- as true as steel. Stop it with the drawing, and I'll stop following you into catastrophe or -- or this.
BECKETT
[very startled] Have I been doing anything to play with you, or to lead you on, since I met Laura? Have I done anything to --
KAVANAGH
No.
And that's why.
BECKETT
I'm sorry, but I don't...
KAVANAGH
"Being your slave, what should I do but tend / Upon the hours and times of your desire? / I have no precious time at all to spend / Nor services to do, till you require."
BECKETT
Sit down, do -- I'll get something for you, I think I can get the radio in the puddlejumper moving -- only stay here, lean your head back on this rock, don't move. [to SORA] Keep him still!
[Exit BECKETT, moving quickly, stage left. KAVANAGH starts to follow him; SORA stops him and pushes him down to sit on a rock]
KAVANAGH
Don't push it, hostage girl. It makes me sick to look at you.
SORA
With that knock on the head, I'm not surprised. I'd be sick if I looked like you.
KAVANAGH
I'm surprised you dared take off this way, with two strange men who have no reason to love you, into the night, here in a deserted place.
[SORA looks him up and down]
SORA
Oh, I'm so afraid for my virginity.
No wonder you aren't enamored of Teyla like the rest.
KAVANAGH
What, in your tenure with us you never heard the gossip that I'm the division's slut? I could have sex with anyone in the city.
SORA
Funny; most of the people I've met don't seem to be lining up to have sex with you.
KAVANAGH
[rises] You've met the wrong half. [grabs SORA and pulls her in for a kiss; she twists out of his grasp and pushes him back down to the rock]
SORA
Oh, sure, invert the normal way of things. The dove pursues the griffon, the mild hind makes speed to catch the raptor -- bootless speed,
When cowardice pursues and valor flies.
KAVANAGH
Oh, yeah? Carson at least was happy enough with me before Laura Cadman came along.
SORA
Really.
KAVANAGH
Really.
SORA
And yet this Cadman came along.
KAVANAGH
And yet this Cadman, as you name her, has run off with Katie Brown in order to try to force everyone into accepting their getting married before the Alliance goes through, having drawn Caldwell's attention to this state of affairs.
SORA
Is that why we're chasing them?
KAVANAGH
Why did you think? Idiot woman. Watch while the local velociraptors or whatever eat you while I'm nice and safely hidden. [staggers up] Scram! Go to -- wherever, and stop following me! [feints stage right, then runs stage left] Goddamnit, Carson, what am I supposed to do? I can't very well fight for your person with the woman who dumped you. [exit, stage left]
SORA
For one thing, she'd win. [yells stage left] I've got my own reasons for following, you louse! [runs offstage left]
JANUS
Fare thee well, nymph: ere he do leave this grove,
Thou shalt fly him, and he shall seek thy love.
[Enter SKAARA, stage right, holding a PLANT with three stalks behind his back, proceeding stage left. As he passes in front of the tree CHAYA is hiding behind, she reaches out and breaks off one of the stalks]
JANUS
Hast thou the flower there? Welcome, wanderer.
SKAARA
Yes, here it is. [produces two-stalked PLANT]
JANUS
I pray thee give it me. [takes PLANT and waves his entourage
closer. SKAARA and all the lights draw nearer as JANUS drops his voice]
JANUS
I know a bank whereon the wild thyme blows,
Where ox-lips and the nodding violet grows;
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses, and with eglantine:
There sleeps proud Morgan sometime of the night,
Lulled in her body with dances and delight;
And there the snake throws her enamell'd skin,
Weed wide enough to wrap a human in:
SKAARA
That's a big snake.
JANUS
Yet a tame one, it seems --
And with the dust of this I'll spice her dreams,
And make her full of hateful fantasies.
[JANUS holds the PLANT out to SKAARA]
JANUS
Take thou some of it,
[SKAARA pulls off another of the stalks of the PLANT]
JANUS
And seek throughout this grove:
A sweet fair redhead is secretly in love
With a haughty Tellurian, who still
Remains enamored of another 'gainst his will;
Find the arrogant one and anoint his nose,
But do it when the next thing this wood shows
May be the lady: thou shalt know the man
By the glasses and blue shirt he hath on.
Effect it with some care, that he may prove
More fond on her than she upon her love:
And look thou meet me ere the first dawnglow.
SKAARA
Fear not, my lord; your student shall do so.
[Exeunt JANUS, with PLANT STALK, and all his people but SKAARA]
SKAARA
Hist! Nephew! Ellia-maid!
CHAYA
[coming out of hiding] Ellia! Child!
[The bright greenish-white mix reappears center stage and slowly separates into blue and gold as SHIFU and ELLIA reappear]
ELLIA
[startled] When did you get here, Elder Sar?
SKAARA
Well, this is a turn-up.
SHIFU
This sorrowful lady is -- well, she is with me. What have you to say to that?
SKAARA
Oh, nothing much; you might have brought home a Godslayer,
Or a professional burglar and scavenger of rubbish-heaps.
CHAYA
No one is bringing anyone anywhere yet.
SKAARA
Yet; but give it time;
We shall all be glad to know you when it is done.
I have an errand, and fear I must be gone!
[Exit SKAARA with PLANT STALK]
CHAYA
Finally!
I have an errand for you, girl.
ELLIA
Can Shifu come?
CHAYA
If he please.
While you were out of it, some Tellurians came by, including a sadly parted couple. There is a scientist whose love is all directed still to a man who spurned him for a soldier. The soldier has since plighted troth to another lady, and the two of them are my guests this night; to save them bother, and to reward constancy and ease the sage's pain, go find this hybrid-Alteran man and anoint his nose with this. [hands ELLIA her PLANT STALK]
ELLIA
What is it?
SHIFU
[peering at flower] Oh.
CHAYA
The nectar of the pistil awakens devotion to whatever the scenter shall next smell; so be careful to use it on him when the scientist is there. The pollen of the anthers, for that matter, awakens desire; it should not matter too much if you get some of that in his nose as well, given how much the groundlings mix it in.
ELLIA
Is that bad?
CHAYA
It's well enough in its way; I will teach you
To wear a shape like to a mortal woman,
And you can try it for yourself.
SHIFU
And we can.
CHAYA
As you please.
ELLIA
How shall I know this man?
CHAYA
By the Atlantean uniform he wears.
I trust you've not forgot it?
ELLIA
No, indeed, mistress.
<;b>SHIFU
Is anyone else here?
CHAYA
Perhaps some of mine,
And a maid of the Genii people,
With garb of different cut. She has no stake in this.
ELLIA
How can you tell?
CHAYA
I'd be a fine queen of love and beauty if I couldn't.
She's perhaps attracted a little to the angry man I spoke of,
But what of that? I was attracted a little to Daniel son of Claire,
And made no effort to seduce him to my side.
SHIFU
Good.
I should have had to smite you if you had.
CHAYA
You're a thousand years too young
To take me on, here in this place of mine.
Enough of this; go you with your flower,
As any of my people might have done,
And I will see to it that they sleep.
[Exeunt.]
II. ii. Morgan le Fey's guest-grove on Proculus.
[At the rear of the grove is a raised bank lush with flowers. At stage right, in the distant background, is an upside-down, tilted puddlejumper, with dirt smears along its sides. Ignoring it, in the center of the grove, is MORGAN, with her TRAIN, now largely consisting of PERSONS in various lights]
MORGAN
Come, now a canon, or a mortal song,
Then, for the third part of a minute, hence;
Some to leave off these feigned shells of men,
Some to enjoy our simulated dreams,
And some to keep guard lest either I
Fit myself completely in, or lose my Self thereby.
Make you your choices, sing me now asleep;
Then to your offices, and let me rest. [throws herself down on raised bank full of flowers and closes her eyes]
[Who Am I -- Leonard Bernstein]
REDHEADED ASCENDEE
[sings the song in question]
Hence away; now all is well.
One, aloof, stand sentinel.
[Exeunt ASCENDED PERSONS, save for a BLONDE ASCENDEE, who stands guard.
MORGAN sleeps]
[Enter JANUS with PLANT STALK]
[Nighttime Roam Music -- Sakura Taisen I -- Tanaka Kouhei]
[The BLONDE ASCENDEE blinks, yawns, blinks ferociously, and slumps over in a heap, asleep. JANUS blinks, shrugs, and sneaks up to where MORGAN is
sleeping]
JANUS
What thou smell'st when thou dost wake, [squeezes PLANT FLOWERS into MORGAN's nose]
Do it for thy true-love take;
Love and languish for his sake;
Be it ounce, or cat, or bear,
Pard, or boar with bristled hair,
In thy eye that shall appear
When thou wak'st, it is thy dear;
Wake when some lesser thing is near.
[JANUS waves the PLANT STALK liberally about, whacking it against trees, and sending up a positive cloud of dust. He blinks suddenly, looks from side to side, and hurries away.]
II. iii. Another part of the woods of Proculus.
[Enter CADMAN and KATIE]
CADMAN
Well. We are completely, utterly, totally, and absolutely lost. You look about ready to drop; let's camp here for the night and find our way in the morning.
KATIE
[yawns] If you would set up, I'll just... rest a bit...
[Nighttime Roam Music -- Sakura Taisen I -- Tanaka Kouhei]
CADMAN
One turf shall serve as pillow for us both;
One heart, one bed, two bosoms, and one troth.
KATIE
Two?
CADMAN
It's a collective noun. I think.
KATIE
"O, take the sense, sweet, of my innocence;
Love takes the meaning in love's conference.
I mean that my heart unto yours is knit;
So that but one heart we can make of it."
CADMAN
I said that.
KATIE
Forgive me then, Mistress.
CADMAN
"Two bosoms interchainëd with an oath;
So then two bosoms and a single troth.
Then by your side no bed-room me deny;
For lying so," [pauses meaningfully] Katie, I do not lie.
KATIE
As you desire; "and good night, sweet friend:
Thy love ne'er alter till thy sweet life end!"
CADMAN
Amen, amen, to that fair prayer say I;
And then end life when I end loyalty!
Here is my bed: Sleep give thee all his rest!
KATIE
With half that wish the wisher's eyes be pressed! [giggles sleepily]
CADMAN
We did that [yawns] well, I think.
What comes next?
KATIE
Next, [yawns] they fall asleep.
CADMAN
... c'n do that.
[They sleep, wrapped in each other's arms]
[Astérix, main theme -- Gérard Calvi]
[Enter SKAARA, with PLANT STALK]
SKAARA
Through the forest have I gone,
But Atlantean found I none,
On whose eyes I might approve
This flower's force in stirring love.
Night and silence! Who is here?
[examines CADMAN and KATIE] ...perhaps I don't need this [flourishes PLANT STALK, giving off a cloud of pollen] after all.
Sweet fair redhead -- this be she,
And... another redhead, more feisty.
This one wears a shirt of blue,
But no glasses -- oh.
[SKAARA rises to his feet and sets the PLANT STALK down on a handy rock]
SKAARA
She found a friend.
[bending down again]
The arrogant man must have lost her, so..
[rising] I'd better find him and bring him here -- no.
Which is the lady that he must love?
So entangled, it's hard to --
[bending down again] I should separate them, douse him, bring him here in his sleep, then wake the redheads up one by one and find out, from what they say, which one's in love with him. No wonder Auntie Desala said worldly matters are always more complicated than you think.
[SKAARA begins to disentangle CADMAN and KATIE, with many grunts, hampered by the fact that each of the redheads keep trying to grab hold of the other in their sleep. At last, they are lying well apart.]
SKAARA
Rest you there;
And soon, your secret love will be here,
Whichever of yours he is. Sleep and dream of him.
[SKAARA starts to exit, runs back, retrieves the PLANT STALK from the
rock, and exits]
[Enter ELLIA and SHIFU]
SHIFU
-- and so, you see, it's a bit -- what have we here?
ELLIA
Tellurians. Atlantean Tellurians.
SHIFU
[examines KATIE] This lady is...
ELLIA
... the scientist Chaya spoke of.
SHIFU
How can you tell?
ELLIA
This is the uniform the Expedition wears; this blue color, worn by their scientists.
SHIFU
A pretty blue, but not as fair as this. [runs finger down ELLIA's cheek
gill slit]
ELLIA
[flushes bluer] You stay there!
SHIFU
Perhaps I took in some of the flower's pollen
When crafting a form solid enough to move.
ELLIA
[walking over to CADMAN] As may be; don't distract me now. This, then, must be the fickle man she loves. Poor scientist, she dares not lie near this... lacklove, this kill-courtesy. [squeezes PLANT FLOWER into CADMAN's nose]
Churl, upon thy nose I throw [shakes PLANT STALK]
All the power this charm doth owe; [shakes PLANT STALK]
When thou wak'st let love forbid [shakes PLANT STALK]
Sleep his seat on thy -- what rhymes with "forbid?"
SHIFU
I like the way you put language together.
ELLIA
I learned from the pages of my father's books.
SHIFU
[starts suddenly] What was that?
ELLIA
It came from the grove set aside for Morgan's use.
[ELLIA runs up, takes SHIFU's hand in her unoccupied one, and the two exeunt running hand-in-hand.]
II. iv. A clearing near Morgan le Fey's guest-grove on Proculus.
[At stage left is an upside-down, tilted puddlejumper, with dirt smears along its sides. At the rear is a puddlejumper, parked right-side-up, with its rear door open. TEYLA and RONON are standing outside, weapons at ready; FORD and MCKAY are leaning over the scanner in the latter's hand]
MCKAY
...so those two dots are probably Katie and Cadman. Now these three are spread out, but they're on the move, so the two with the ATA-gene are probably Carson and Kavanagh; and since they're headed this way, they're probably coming back to their puddlejumper, so we may as well rehearse your skit while we stick around waiting for them.
FORD
Makes sense... sir?
SHEPPARD [inside puddlejumper]
Go for it.
[MCKAY and FORD move out into the rest of the stage; SHEPPARD and ZELENKA enter from puddlejumper]
FORD
[handing round clipped-together sheets of paper] And this is an excellent place for our rehearsal. We'll have this flat bit
for our stage, the puddlejumpers for --
SHEPPARD
For our audience.
FORD
-- for our audience, and this bushy bit here for backstage; and time's short, so we'll start blocking out our action, the way we'll do it for Dr. Weir.
ZELENKA
[sadly] Elizabeth...
MCKAY
You know, Radek, that's starting to get a little tiresome.
[We're Not Gonna Make It -- The Presidents of the United States of America]
TEYLA
[peering at the front page of her script] Aiden?
FORD
What is it, Teyla?
TEYLA
There are some things in here that will be... difficult to stage. For one thing, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself, which will terrify some of the guests.
SHEPPARD
That is a problem.
RONON
Maybe we'll need to leave the killing out?
MCKAY
Teyla, you're the prologue, RTFM. Or S, as the case might be. You get to explain before all the action that we will do no harm with our swords, and that Pyramus is not killed indeed; and for the more better assurance, tell them that I Pyramus am not Pyramus but Dr. Rodney McKay, who has no intention of placing his person anywhere near a sharp blade, and anyone who's still scared is probably too stupid to be at the wedding in the first place.
FORD
Exactly; we have a prologue, and --
SHEPPARD
Some of the kids might be scared of the lion.
ZELENKA
I shudder just to think of it. [shudders] See?
MCKAY
[dryly] Gentlemen, you ought to consider with yourselves: to bring in, God shield us! a lion among ladies is a most dreadful thing: for there is not a more fearful wild-fowl than your lion living; and we ought to look to it.
FORD
There's the other prologuity bit that tells he isn't a lion.
SHEPPARD
So he needs to have his costume show his face clearly, and explain to everyone how he is Ronon Dex.
ZELENKA
I do not see that that would cause the audience to fear him less.
TEYLA
[ignoring them] And we must bring the moonlight within the hall; for, you see, Pyramus and Thisby meet by moonlight.
RONON
Are the moons shining tomorrow night?
MCKAY
Let me check. [retrieves laptop, opens it, types in a few keystrokes] Both of them will be in the sky early that night; the near one will be full, and the far one waxing gibbous.
RONON
Then we leave one of the windows in the hall open, and they can shine in the windows.
FORD
Actually, we're going to have someone play Moonshine, which will be me or Dr. Zelenka.
ZELENKA
You, then.
SHEPPARD
Why not you?
ZELENKA
[snorts] Typecasting.
RONON
Shouldn't there be two of you? One for each moon?
FORD
So Dr. Z and I will play the moons. There. That leaves us needing a wall, because Pyramus and Thisby speak through a hole in the wall between their rooms.
TEYLA
We can never bring in a wall.
SHEPPARD
We just need to get something that looks like it -- some chicken wire or something -- and the parents can hold it up.
MCKAY
Someone has to be Wall. Wall has lines.
SHEPPARD
[shrugs] So we'll see who can get changed quickest, and whoever manages it can be Wall. Relax.
FORD
If everyone will clear the stage, we can start rehearsing. Stage right exit is behind that bush, and stage left is in between the puddlejumpers. Teyla, the prologue has the stage to herself, so if you'll go in the puddlejumper and start memorizing your speech, we'll start running through the first scene proper out here. Places, people.
[Enter SKAARA, stage right; enter SHIFU and ELLIA, stage left. As they speak, the Atlanteans rehearse in dumb show in the background, nattering and grommishing]
ELLIA
What in the worlds are they doing? Here, of all places?
SKAARA
They're rehearsing a play, or entertainment. Keep invisible and watch; it's likely to be funny, and we might get to play a joke on them.
SHIFU
Is that all right?
SKAARA
As long as you do no more than you might have in the body, anything goes. Perhaps you haven't actually had the opportunity, but I myself used to be very tricksy and sneaky, and the Young Miss here...
ELLIA
It would be... nice, to creep about for a reason that hurt no one.
SHIFU
I can be sneaky, too.
ELLIA
I am quite sure you could.
SHIFU
And I have an idea.
SKAARA
You perceive us all ears.
SHIFU
Round and about the galaxy from here, there is a system where life-force rises in tides and sweeps about its worlds, bathing them and flowing in sheets and channels. Round that sun there flies a planet, and round that planet there flies a moon, and around and within that moon the tides of life-force are concentrated into visible plasma, rising and ebbing in their channels with the life of their world; in places it concentrates to solid or mere liquid, and here I have a portion of that liquid, souvenir of my visit with the great queen to the ruins of that world's City of the Ancients. [holds aloft phial, which is glowing a sinister green]
ELLIA
And what would you with that?
SHIFU
Wait and watch and see.
[The rehearsal becomes audible again]
FORD
Okay, take it from "Thisby, the flowers."
MCKAY
[broadly declaiming, waving his rolled-up script in one hand for emphasis] Thisby, the flowers of odious savours sweet --
FORD
Odours, odours.
MCKAY
I said "odours."
FORD
You said "odious."
MCKAY
I said "odours!" Didn't I say "odours"?
ZELENKA
It sounded like "odours."
SHEPPARD
Sounded pretty odious to me.
RONON
I thought you said "hors d'oeuvres."
MCKAY
That doesn't even make any sense! You've been spending too much time picking it up from the Americans if you can't understand the language when
it's spoken to you plain as day --
SHEPPARD
Aren't we translating this into Gatespeak? I thought we were translating it into Gatespeak.
FORD
We are speaking in Gatespeak.
ZELENKA
[sympathetically] Sometimes I forget what language I am speaking, too.
MCKAY
The... flowers... of... o-dours... savours... sweet:
So hath thy breath, my dearest Thisby dear.
But hark, a voice! stay thou but here awhile,
And by and by I will to thee appear.
[Exit MCKAY, stalking off magnificently, behind the bush]
[ZELENKA and RONON clap, as do SKAARA and ELLIA]
SKAARA
[aside to SHIFU and ELLIA] A stranger Pyramus than e'er played here!
SHIFU
My cue.
["With cat-like tread" -- H.M.S. Pinafore -- Gilbert and Sullivan]
[Exit SHIFU, sneaking, face veil pulled up, behind the bush]
SHEPPARD
My cue?
FORD
Yours, sir.
SHEPPARD
[reading from script, dialing his normal flirtatious behavior up] Most radiant Pyramus, most lily white of hue,
Of colour like the red rose on triumphant brier,
Most brisky juvenal, and eke most lovely Jew,
As true as truest horse, that would never tire,
I'll meet thee, Pyramus, at Neenoose's tomb.
MCKAY [behind bush]
Ninus' tomb! It's pronounced "Ninus' tomb" -- ow!
RONON
You okay?
MCKAY
I'm fine. Something stung me.
SHEPPARD
You're sure you can handle it? No antivenin or anything?
MCKAY
Look, if I start to have an allergic reaction during the half-minute it'll take you to get your lines right, I will recognize the symptoms, pull out my handy autoinjector which I have here in my vest, and plunge it into myself. [starts coughing]
FORD
You're sure you're all right?
MCKAY [behind bush]
[hoarsely, angrily] Fine.
FORD
If you're sure... [to Sheppard] and sir, you jumped your cue.
SHEPPARD
I did?
FORD
That "I'll meet thee" bit. That's the first of the lines you say after Dr. McKay says his next speech.
SHEPPARD
Then why isn't his speech in here so I can tell where to stop?
FORD
Let me see that... [looks at script] ...huh. Last time I ask Randy to print something out for me.
SHEPPARD
He's very truly run after these days, like the rest of us. From the top?
FORD
From the beginning of your speech, sir.
SHEPPARD
Most radiant Pyramus, most lily white of hue,
Of colour like the red rose on triumphant brier,
Most brisky juvenal, and eke most lovely Jew,
As true as truest horse, that would never tire.
[Enter MCKAY, his blue eyes lit such that they appear to glow blue, and
SHIFU behind him, holding his face veil aside to reveal a shit-eating
grin]
MCKAY
[with rasping reverb] If I were fair, Thisby, I were only thine: --
[Ride of the Valkyries -- Wagner]
FORD
WHAT THE FUCK?! [draws stunner]
SKAARA
Shit! [lunges across clearing, slapping FORD's stunner and causing it to make a strange sound instead of discharging]
TEYLA
[entering from puddlejumper] What is it?
MCKAY
[with rasping reverb] What? What? Where? [ducks]
[ELLIA darts up behind RONON, smacks his gun, and starts drawing his knives, piling them in her arms]
SHIFU
I didn't mean --
SHEPPARD
Scatter!
[The Atlanteans start running this way and that. ZELENKA dives into the open puddlejumper, knocking TEYLA back inside it before it slams shut. SHEPPARD, FORD, and RONON exeunt different directions]
SKAARA
Next time, you fix the weapons first! You wouldn't want anyone to get hurt or maybe killed, would you?
[MCKAY picks himself up and knocks on the door of the occupied puddlejumper, which doesn't open]
SHIFU
I'm sorry! I didn't think -- but it was sort of funny, wasn't it?
ELLIA
It was -- but now we need to make sure it all works out.
[MCKAY snorts, stalks over to the upside-down puddlejumper, waits for its doors to open, and climbs in it]
SKAARA
Here, let us lead them round about again,
Looking like everything and nothing,
And quickly think of some way to explain --
Illusion pollen, or perhaps some local bug.
[Enter FORD]
MCKAY [on radio]
[with rasping reverb] What is it? Why did everyone take off?
FORD
[touches radio] Who are you? How did you get hold of McKay?
MCKAY [on radio]
[with rasping reverb] It is me, you idiot! [groans] Ooh...
[SKAARA whacks FORD on the shoulder. When he whirls, ELLIA starts dancing before exiting stage left, and FORD follows, pursued by SHIFU and SKAARA]
[Enter MCKAY from upside-down puddlejumper]
MCKAY
[touches radio][with rasping reverb] What did everyone see to make them take off like that?
ZELENKA [on radio]
I see my superior, a man almost as brilliant as he thinks he is, fearfully and wonderfully changed.
MCKAY
[touches radio][with rasping reverb] What -- oh. Oh, I get it. Very funny. However did you get Ronon to play along? [pause]
Now, I am going to walk back off this alleged stage, and I am going to
keep walking for five hundred paces, and then I am -- [groans] and then I am going to sit down until this bit of indigestion goes away; and when I come back, I expect you will have finished with your practical joke, won't you, Teyla? Now...
[Exit MCKAY stage right]
MCKAY [offstage]
[with rasping reverb] One... two... three... [fades away]
[The puddlejumper opens. ZELENKA peers out, scanner in hand]
ZELENKA
Anyone?
[Enter SHEPPARD and CHAYA, stage left]
CHAYA
... and I can ask them to be reasonable, but I am limited and they are not, and they are, well, very young. In our terms.
SHEPPARD
Ah, yes. "The Squire of Gothos."
[Enter ZELENKA and TEYLA, from puddlejumper]
ZELENKA
If you cannot play nicely with your pets, you may not have any pets.
TEYLA
Doctor McKay? Is he all right?
SHEPPARD
Chaya says he is.
[Enter FORD and RONON]
CHAYA
A substance full of energy got into his bloodstream --
FORD
He said something stung him, ma'am.
CHAYA
[nods] And it, being akin to the metal you call naquadah, has certain similar effects on absorption.
ZELENKA
Such as the overtoned voice.
CHAYA
An initial effect, soon lost as it breaks down.
FORD
And the glowing eyes.
CHAYA
Which will likely last until most of it has passed through.
TEYLA
And he will take no ill of it?
CHAYA
It won't kill him, and the side effects will be gone soon enough.
SHEPPARD
You didn't say anything about side effects.
[RONON growls]
CHAYA
I thought it obvious enough. Nothing lasting, but it is a dose of radiation; nothing bodies such as those we were born with cannot handle, but a slight hurdle for --
SHEPPARD
McKay took a retrovirus to give himself the ATA gene!
FORD
He doesn't come by it naturally!
CHAYA
[sniffs] Well, that's perfectly obvious to the most casual perception. I was saying, given his genetic makeup --
RONON
[softly] What about his genetic makeup?
CHAYA
That he will adapt well to this, and gain something of strength and reflexes the while.
TEYLA, FORD, and RONON
Oh, wonderful.
CHAYA
Not like that. It is Photon energy --
ZELENKA
Is not all electromagnetic radiation of photons made?
CHAYA
The energy we call Photon; need you have reused the term?
ZELENKA
It came from Greek.
TEYLA
I thought it came from us.
CHAYA
Getter energy, then; concentrated life itself.
FORD
What, he got shot up with mako?!
CHAYA
Yes. Precisely. That!
FORD
It's about time one of these worked for us.
[to SHEPPARD et al.] This should not affect his mind
Unless a giant alien squid picks now to reassemble. Yeah.
CHAYA
From what Ganos told me, I think that thing's dead.
TEYLA
Milady Sar, shining among women, can you perchance tell us
Where our scattered comrades might be found?
ZELENKA
The scanner is strangely acting. [holds it out]
CHAYA
[to SHEPPARD] The young lovers who fled here for safekeeping
Are directly that way [points]; I trust you will be kind.
In that direction [points] are your other three,
Caught in the maze of confusion whence I led
You and your comrades just now; [takes scanner from ZELENKA and strokes it a few times] this device
Will lead you to them, when they are ready.
TEYLA
When they are ready, milady?
CHAYA
[to SHEPPARD] And your suspicious friend has gone
[points] That way, no great distance; he is safe enough
Although it may take him some time to return.
SHEPPARD
Thank you, Chaya; that's very kind of you.
Zelenka and, uh, Teyla, if you would, go and find where our lovebirds have settled down for the night, and talk them into coming back. Be persuasive. Give our reasons. I'd rather not drag them home by the hair if we don't have to.
RONON
[aside] Shame to waste Cadman's glorious hair as a leash.
SHEPPARD
Ford, Ronon, take the scanner, if you would,
[RONON takes it from CHAYA and hands it to FORD]
SHEPPARD
Rescue our lost lambs, and bring them back here. I suspect at least one of
them is a Small and Sorry Rabbit by now; try not to make fun of them too obviously, don't lose the jumper [waves at upside-down jumper], and take the first-aid kit.
TEYLA
And you?
SHEPPARD
I'll take this jumper, collect Rodney, and act as a central coordinator. Radio me if you need a pickup; if nobody needs transportation, I'll start collecting people based on how far they are from this spot. We'll meet back here.
CHAYA
John?
SHEPPARD
Will you be able to do anything for Rodney once I find him?
CHAYA
Nothing they'd let me.
SHEPPARD
Sigh. Well, there's this lining;
He would have griped unceasingly if you had.
[SHEPPARD starts to exit into puddlejumper; CHAYA, on his heels, catches his sleeve]
CHAYA
John, I thought --
SHEPPARD
McKay is in discomfort, maybe pain, out there alone.
I thought we knew each other. Have we changed?
[SHEPPARD takes CHAYA by the waist, picks her up, and sets her down outside the jumper doors, which close between them. The jumper, a moment later, rises into the air and out of sight]
CHAYA
Well!
TEYLA
Colonel Sheppard can sometimes be abrupt when he is worried.
RONON
Nah, he's just an asshole. Some people are. He doesn't mean to, and it's nothing to do with you. [pats CHAYA's arm]
CHAYA
John does not recognize the cues that you use
For social interaction, having learned his
In a different school, alike but unequal,
And, guessing at them, oft misses the mark.
RONON
And with all this fumbling round in the dark
He's probably not worth it in the short term.
FORD
[aside to TEYLA and ZELENKA] Am I the only one a little disturbed?
ZELENKA
[aside to FORD] Well, we had planned to throw him at her...
TEYLA
We know our objects; let us soon be gone.
ZELENKA
Good luck!
FORD
Same!
[Exeunt, TEYLA and ZELENKA upstage, FORD stage left, followed by RONON and CHAYA, heads close together]
FORD [offstage]
Dr. Beckett, is that you?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Reaction
Date: 2008-06-01 01:43 pm (UTC)--Silverthreads
Re: Reaction
Date: 2008-07-21 04:08 am (UTC)I intend to, when time permits.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-03 03:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-28 08:09 am (UTC)I'm glad that the casting worked for you -- and this is Midsummer Night's Dream, after all. Happy endings are kind of endemic, unlike some of the other comedies. ^_^
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-17 08:52 pm (UTC)[SHEPPARD starts to exit into puddlejumper; CHAYA, on his heels, catches his sleeve]
CHAYA: John, I thought --
SHEPPARD: McKay is in discomfort, maybe pain, out there alone.
I thought we knew each other. Have we changed?
[SHEPPARD takes CHAYA by the waist, picks her up, and sets her down outside the jumper doors, which close between them. The jumper, a moment later, rises into the air and out of sight]
CHAYA: Well!
This exchange rings true to John, particularly your version of him.
belated reply
Date: 2008-08-06 04:23 am (UTC)I'm glad that you found the John-like exchange with Chaya at the end so funny (to be honest, it makes me giggle, too.) ^_^
(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-17 04:36 am (UTC)argh!
Date: 2008-08-06 04:27 am (UTC)And -- botheration. WHY did I type "With cat-like tread"? It's meant to be "Carefully on tiptoe stealing," and it's too late now to change it here (something to keep in mind for the webpage, I guess.) ;_;
Thank you for commenting!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-24 08:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-11 04:03 am (UTC)