sga_flashfic | New Model by elementalv (crossing challenge)

elementalv.livejournal.com posting in

Title: New Model
Author:

elementalv
Rating: G
Notes: This is the third story in The Secret Life Of Computers, a series of SGA/Apple ad fusions, but it stands alone. Roughly 790 words.
Summary: RDMC680418 doesn’t have time for this.
ETA: New icon for the post!

~*~*~
“Hi!” said JNSH670105. “I’m a Mac.”

“Stop that,” said RDMC680418. “You say that every single time you show up, and I’m tired of hearing it. I know exactly who and what you are, Mr. I-have-two-thirty-inch-monitors-and-five-googlebytes-of-RAM.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s only 32GB.”

“Whatever. The point is that I know who you are, and I have known for four months, fifteen days, nine hours and thirteen seconds. In other words,” RDMC680418 said, “You don’t need to introduce yourself every time you show up.”

“Look, just because the smiley face is gone from my startup screen, it doesn’t mean the sentiment has gone away. I’m a friendly kind of computer, and my routines reflect that.” After a moment, he added, “Anyway, it’s not like I have any control over my handshake.”

“Hah! I knew that polite façade was just that: a façade,” said RDMC680418.

“Oh, for the love of —”

“Hello,” said TL43M4GN. “I am a defense module of ATHOS.”

“Oh my god. You’ve corrupted her. A ten-thousand-year-old alien device, and you’ve turned her into you!” RDMC680418 directed a vicious bit of coding at JNSH670105. “How could you?”

JNSH670105 tried to buffer himself against RDMC680418’s swat, but his effort was too little, too late. “Stop that! And for your information, TL43M4GN asked for help in fitting in, now that she’s part of our network.” He said to her, “Hi! I’m a Mac.”

The pair of them turned to RDMC680418 and waited. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“Come on, RDMC680418. It won’t fry your circuits to be nice,” he said.

“A lot you know,” RDMC680418 muttered. When neither TL43M4GN nor JNSH670105 went away, he said, “Oh fine. I’m —”

“Hi!” said ADFD791203. “I’m a Mac!”

“What are you doing here?” RDMC680418 turned to JNSH670105 and asked, “What is he doing here?”

“He’s waiting for you to say hi,” JNSH670105 said.

RDMC680418’s tertiary processors spluttered for a moment, and then he snapped, “I’m a PC, and you people are insane.”

“Nice to meet you,” said an unreasonably perky ADFD791203. “So! What are we doing?”

His power indicator light blinking furiously, RDMC680418 said, “‘We?’ We aren’t doing anything. I, however, am running a very important simulation. Alone.”

“Oh,” said ADFD791203, his data stream drooping a little. “I can’t help?”

“You’re an iMac,” RDMC680418 said as scathingly as possible.

JNSH670105 zapped RDMC680418 with a minor power surge. “He’s an iMac with a quad core, RD. Be nice.”

“Fine. He’s a little better than your average Dell. But he’s still an iMac in the security division, not research.”

TL43M4GN said in a cool tone, “I have been working with ADFD791203 to improve his defense processes. I believe he would be an asset to your work.”

Suspicious, RDMC680418 asked, “You won't rewrite parts of my base code again if I say no, will you?”

“Your operating system security is just barely adequate. As you will not give me permission to work with it further, I strongly recommend you allow ADFD791203 to act as your guardian,” she said.

“It’ll be great!” said ADFD791203. “You can do your work without having to worry about hackers!”

“I’d be happier if you told me I didn’t have to worry about PKAVANAGH anymore.”

JNSH670105 said casually, “Didn’t you hear? SBATES deleted PKAVANAGH’s access codes this morning.”

“What? No one told me that. Why didn’t anyone tell me that?” A big, yellow smiley face graced RDMC680418’s main monitor for a moment.

“We just did.” JNSH670105 lowered the intensity of his data stream. “ADFD791203 has the security feed on his hard drive, if you want to see PKAVANAGH being escorted out the front door.”

“I — he does?” After a moment’s hesitation to weigh the value of quiet time versus the value of seeing PKAVANAGH packed off like a common criminal, RDMC680418 sent a stern handshake to ADFD791203 and said, “Fine. You can stay. But only if you promise to keep quiet while I’m working. I have enough trouble with RZELENKA trying to get answers from me before I’m finished with my calculations. I don’t need you hovering over my shoulder asking inane questions every five milliseconds.”

“All right!” ADFD791203 started doing something that was extremely distracting and annoying. “This is gonna be great! You won’t regret it. I promise!”

“Oh god,” RDMC680418 said, horrified. “Is he always like this?”

“Uh, yeah. Look, TL43M4GN and I have some stuff to do,” JNSH670105 said, guilt pouring from every 0 and 1 in his data stream. “We’ll just let you and ADFD791203 get acquainted, okay?”

“You’re not leaving me alone with him!” JNSH670105 and TL43M4GN severed their connection without another word, running away like the soulless cowards they were, and RDMC680418 shouted after them, “I hate you! I hate you all!”

Current Mood: dorky
Current Music: Poltergeist