Fic: Never Bet Against by michelel72 (AMTDI challenge)

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Title: Never Bet Against (SGA Flashfic AMTDI Challenge)
Author: michelel72
Rating: Everybody
Genre: Team; gen; silliness.
Wordcount: ~1500
Timeline/Spoilers: Vaguely early season five, I suppose.
Warnings: None, I think, except for a lame probably-not-even-pun.
Disclaimer: Plot mine; Stargate characters and environments not. (Transformative work.)
Notes: I've never done flashfic before, but I'm trying to learn how to write anything non-angsty and anything under 15,000 words. I only missed the suggested upper limit here by half again, so that's actually pretty good for me! I'm sure this has been done before, but it popped straight into my head when I saw this challenge and I couldn't resist. I'm also breaking my own rule against posting without first using a beta, so please feel free to let me know of anything I missed. Also available at my journal.

Summary: John really should have known better than to bet against Ronon.

---

"You get to choose the movie?" John couldn't believe his ears. "That's it?"

"And you have to watch it with us."

"But … Ronon, not that I'm complaining, but you really could aim a lot higher than that, buddy." John should have known better. He did know better. But he got suckered into betting against Ronon, and Ronon had won the right to demand one thing, no matter how outrageous. Well, not murder or anything like that, but still. "All you want is the movie pick? You were up soon anyway."

"Movie pick, and you watch it with us. The whole thing. No sudden emergencies or reports to file or anything. You have to stay and watch the whole thing." Ronon grinned, and John swallowed heavily as a thread of nervousness tickled his spine. He did not flinch when Ronon draped his arm heavily across John's shoulders and steered him to the lounge area the team used.

"It's a weeper, isn't it? Postcards from the Edge? Steel Magnolias? It's not that Ya-Ya Sisterhood thing, is it?" Ronon's grin just grew wider. Great, it was probably going to be something like Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Or maybe someone got him liking those Bollywood things.

Rodney's voice floated down the hall as they neared the lounge. "— inherently a bad word. I mean, we're all aliens here, right, to you guys? And I was one, before we came here. In Sheppard's country, I mean. His government called me a resident alien, which meant I could work there but I wasn't really a citizen so I couldn't do certain things, like vote in their elections. Huh," he added as John and Ronon entered the room. "I guess that makes you and Ronon resident aliens in the expedition, kind of."

"Including our exclusion from some of your command decisions?" Teyla's voice was drily amused.

"Oh, well … that's … we try to include you. Mostly. At least, I do. I mean, we all do, it's just — anyway, I was saying, it's a perfectly harmless word."

"So you now regret what you did to Dr. Beck's laundry?"

"What? Are you kidding? Of course not, the man's an ass and he shouldn't have been talking about you that way. And having to borrow spare clothing from your people never hurt anyone. Well, except the other people in his lab if he ever wears that low-cut thing again. I just meant you should blame the person spouting the ignorance, not the words he used for it, necessarily. We don't all mean anything nefarious by it."

"Messing with laundry, Rodney?" John asked. "That's new. Couldn't they just get new uniforms?"

Rodney looked over to grin at him. "Mysterious shortage —" His face fell suddenly, and the "actually" he finished the statement with came out sounding oddly guilty. "Look, Sheppard, this, um … this wasn't my idea. At all."

"It's just a movie, Rodney. I think we'll survive." Besides, maybe Rodney would turn out to have a secret fondness for whatever embarrassing movie was scheduled. This had the potential for weeks of entertainment.

Rodney looked down at the bag in his suddenly nervous hands. "You say that now," he muttered.

Ronon clapped John on the back hard enough to make him stagger forward. "Have a seat, Sheppard."

John sat, puzzled by Rodney's reaction. Teyla gave John an odd, tight smile. Ronon went over to loom over Rodney, who handed him the bag with clear reluctance. "I should never have told you about —"

"Yeah, yeah, you said," Ronon interrupted. He turned slightly in what couldn't have been an accident before pulling the DVD from the bag.

With a glimpse of the cover, John was on his feet immediately. "No. Hell no." And, crap, he'd let Ronon steer him to the seat furthest from the door. Ronon grinned yet again, clearly blocking the way out.

John looked to Teyla, who only smiled again. "You did promise, John," she said, moving to stand beside Ronon.

John looked around wildly, finding exactly no other escapes. "McKay! Back me up here, dammit!"

Rodney stood slowly, bit his lip, and went to stand with the others.

"What … McKay!" John cried, betrayed.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I am, I really am, but Ronon — you said it yourself, Sheppard, everybody breaks. And Ronon knows that, and he … don't you understand? I had to. I had to, he … he …."

"What the hell did he do to you, McKay?" John growled. It had better be at least the loss of a finger to justify this.

Rodney flinched. "He … he took the coffee hostage."

John stared at him. "He what."

"The coffee! The coffee, Sheppard! I can't live like that, I can't!" Rodney's eyes were wild.

"So you get more from the kitchens. And we get restocked from Earth. The hell, McKay —"

"Not for weeks! And when I say 'the coffee', I mean all of it. Everywhere in the city! The Daedalus just left, they won't be back for weeks! Ronon's like a ninja, you know that, we'll never find it before I die of withdrawal, and even if that doesn't kill me, my department will! We have more civilians than military, and most of them live on coffee, and even some of your grunts do. He said he'd blame me for making it disappear! They'll roast me alive to extract what little caffeine remains in my veins! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but we have to watch this and we have to do it right now before the rest of the city tracks us down!" Rodney gasped a couple of deep breaths. "Besides, this is all your fault, so if I go down I'm taking you with me. Why the hell did you bet against Ronon?"

"Because you told me Wuerthner was an English major for her undergrad!"

"Yes, I did, which you should know by now means that her undergrad years were even more of a waste than that idiotic 'anthropology' 'degree' she waves around!" McKay made actual air quotes for both words. "That was in no way me telling you to bet against Ronon in a poetry slam, you moron!"

"How was I supposed to know he's good at that?" John demanded.

"You're kidding me, right? I know you have to be kidding, because there's no way you're telling me that I pay more attention to what people say about their pasts than you do. Fundamentals, Sheppard! Land wars in Asia, Sicilians when death is on the line, and Satedan battle legendeers." Rodney turned to Ronon. "You know what? I take it back. If he's this stupid, he deserves it. Go ahead."

John almost whimpered. "McKay, no, you can't mean that." Rodney just crossed his arms defiantly, so John turned to the only other person in the room who might help him. "Teyla?"

Her smile was cold. "As Rodney says, if you had listened to Ronon, you would know of his skills with the spoken legends of his squad. And if you had listened to me," she added, her tone icing over, "you would have remembered how much my people value the recitation of sacred tales, which might have inspired you to hold your tongue rather than mocking the event to me."

John was screwed. Completely screwed. He dropped his butt into his seat and his head into his hands.

After several seconds in which John could hear Ronon setting up the DVD, he felt a hand awkwardly patting his shoulder. "Try to look at it as immersion therapy," Rodney offered weakly.

"You realize I'll get you for this, don't you?" John murmured through his hands.

"You wouldn't dare," Rodney answered, sounding almost sure of that. "You think Stephen King has a scary clown? I promise you, I can find much scarier ones. I already have at least two." When John looked up to glare at him, he smirked and said quietly, "Did you seriously think I don't stockpile ammunition, even against you, just in case? Or that I would just hand him my biggest weapon? This is why I keep reminding you I'm a genius — either you don't listen to any of us, or you just don't remember." He glared over at Ronon. "If he hadn't blindsided me with that coffee thing, we wouldn't even be here," he added in a dangerous mutter.

Teyla took the seat at an angle to his corner chair. "Do not fear, John, we will protect you if you grow too frightened," she cooed, as if he was Torren. She was evil.

John slumped, resigned to his fate but planning. When this was over, and once the nightmares had faded, he would track down whoever had smuggled Stephen King's IT past his safeguards and into the city. He would track them down … and he would make them pay.

Comments

[goddess47]

::snorfle::

Poetry slam? Coffee ninja? Glee!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Ronon has depths. He's not just a pretty face and a nicely non-chatty running/sparring partner, John. And Rodney's mad because his ammunition against Ronon is already thin, since the guy is so close-mouthed and not really embarrassed by much, and Rodney got so used to the resupply runs that he lost all his first-year coffee-guarding instincts and left that flank wide open, while Ronon noted that opening and has had that option in his back pocket for years. (Hee. Thank you!)

[scarlet-gryphon.livejournal.com]

Epic! Welcome to the madness that is flashfic, hun. It'll eat your brains (but in a good way, of course).




Run away while you still can! Preserve your sanity! ;)

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I have nine WIPs, the shortest of which looks as though it'll cross 10k words; the most current one looking about the same and having popped out of nowhere; and the one I'm most intersted in currently (that got displaced by that other one) over 30k words and not even ten percent done, I think. What is this "sanity" thing? Is it yummy? Yummy like brains?

[octoberdreaming.livejournal.com]

Awesome flashfic! I'm still grinning, and I read it twenty minutes ago. :)

Favorite, favorite, favorite: Fundamentals, Sheppard! Land wars in Asia, Sicilians when death is on the line, and Satedan battle legendeers.

and "Do not fear, John, we will protect you if you grow too frightened," she cooed, as if he was Torren. She was evil.

And then, in a non-funny way, I'd love to sit at a fireside and listen to Ronon's stories.

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! You know, I almost left out the "fundamentals" line, accidentally; I would have been so mad if I hadn't caught it just before I posted.

Teyla feels a little bad about this, but she had to sit there with a frozen smile as John kept mocking this important tradition, apparently thinking she agreed, and she wouldn't have been surprised to hear that from Rodney but she was from John. The look on John's face when Ronon overleapt the others as a fleet-deer over a field rodent was almost enough to make up for it. Almost.

And yes, I think Ronon would be a really powerful storyteller. He spends few words on casual conversation, but when the tale matters, I think he would realy give it its due.

[scherryzade.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is hysterical :)

"The coffee! The coffee, Sheppard! I can't live like that, I can't!" Rodney's eyes were wild.

Not the coffee! The fiend. Ronon is ruthless.

I know how John feels about that film, too.

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Yes, Ronon doesn't mess around. He knew McKay had the real goods on Sheppard, and after what Teyla told him, he knew this deserved one of his most powerful measures to procure it. And yes, creepy film ... and creepier book! ::shudder:: And I'm not even afeared of clowns!

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Bwee! This is awesome! I love Ronon as the master of the poetry slam.

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Ronon just doesn't get Sheppard's military. They're so proud of their monotonous cadence songs, and they mock more developed poetry as effete. How do they learn and confer their squad histories and develop their breath control for hand-to-hand? He's been trying to figure out the right time and way to introduce them to Squadron Leader Tak's Ascent, which is recited in an offensive spar against four defenders, but he's actually always had a little trouble with pacing the fourteenth stanza and he won't disrespect it by introducing them to a flawed version. But then he saw this one woman in a poetry slam, and it was similar, just without the actual weapons, and he was hooked.

[mrshamill.livejournal.com]

Oh, marvelous! I can't think of a scarier movie for John. And of course Ronon has depths, and John should learn to keep his big mouth shut. ROTFL!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! Yeah, I figure John has a whole "banned in Atlantis" list, which Rodney keeps hacking both Moby Dick and Jaws back onto (and, after particular kinds of days, even Finding Nemo), but he sure can put his foot in it. And I really like the thought of Ronon as being the kind of guy who saves his words for something important, like the oral history of his squad. (ETA: Darn it, meant to say: Great icon!)

[valleya.livejournal.com]

Oh, Michele, this was awesome! I couldn't wait to see what the movie was and then when I did, I was cracking up! Spot on perfect! LOL! I love your stuff, you know that already, and this is another great one! Keep on writing!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you so much! (This is the shortest, fastest thing I have ever written!)

[danceswithgary]

So cute! :-D

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[penknife.livejournal.com]

This is awesomely cute. Poor John!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Hee! It's okay, they'll keep him safe. Thank you!

[black-raven135.livejournal.com]

He would track them down … and he would make them pay.

I don't blame him
Like Sheppard I am creeped out by them.
I was as a kid and like Sheppard could never believe how many kept
coming out of those cars............
My sister was not only creeped out, but turned Ringling Brothers Barnum Bailey into a cry fest......when they approached her.
Poor mom!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Clown phobia is really common, and while I don't have it myself, I certainly understand it. That sounds like a chaotic day at the circus!

[outsideth3box.livejournal.com]

OMG! I can' teven...

*Flails*

I was grinning along and thinking oh, what are they up to? Thinking maybe it was Brokeback Mountain or something and then I got the the end!

*Moar flail*

Eeeeeeeeeek! Clowns! IT! Gaaaah! I HATE clowns! You are so mean to John! *Shudders* Well, Rodney will just have to stay with him at night to keep him safe. For the next week or so, hehehehehe!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

It's not my fault! The challenge clearly required that the aliens make him do IT! ::evil grin:: And I'm gen like the show mostly is — which is to say, you can see any pairings or groupings you like. McShep? OT4? Strictly gen cuddles/kittenpiles? Fine with me! But yes, one or more of them must comfort him afterwards! :>

Flailing, yay! Thank you!

[sholio]

BWAHAHA. That punch line was totally worth it. :D And go Ronon, balladeer extraordinaire!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so pleased you liked it. And I think Ronon would totally bring down the house, you know?

[sakurablue13.livejournal.com]

wicked............. *giggling all over*

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Oh, yay! Thanks!

[leesa_perrie]

ROTFL!!! Oh poor John!! But he should listen to his teammates and remember these things about them - and learn to keep his mouth shut!!! *bg* And Ronon, you cruel, cruel man, taking all the coffee and threatening to blame the loss of it on poor Rodney!! Riots in the labs!! Riots, I tell you!!!! LOL!!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

You just know John kind of ... coasts sometimes, because he's all about his team, but he figures he knows them by now. There's more than one kind of thing he never sees coming, and there's a reason why he never sees it coming. But the team knows when and how to bring him back in line. And Ronon figures, he knows what he needs from McKay, why mess around? He knows McKay doesn't really get subtle, and McKay might get all weird about giving up the goods on Sheppard or even try to tip him off, so he might as well skip right to the offer McKay really can't refuse. But it's okay, McKay won't dare to call him on this, so he'll be giving it all back. Eventually. Hee. Thank you! And thank you for the rec!!

[schneefink.livejournal.com]

I´m still giggling. I don´t even know the movie! (Or the book, for that matter, since Stephen King gives me either nightmares or a "why-did-I-read-that-book-again"-feeling) I guess it takes place in a circus? And the main character is a clown? Or a clown family? And I don´t know what a poetry slam is, either. But Ronon and Teyla being evil, blackmailing Rodney by taking the coffee hostage and John thinking that a movie was harmless... Awesome!

[schneefink.livejournal.com]

PS: I looked up "poetry slam" and started laughing again. Atlantis poetry slam. Wow.
Then I looked up "IT", only the briefest summary, and grinned (somewhat hesitantly since I do not want to see the movie). Then I took another look at the title and couldn´t stop laughing. Thanks!

[vanitashaze.livejournal.com]

Oh god, this is brilliant. I do so love the idea of Ronon as a balladeer - you're right, I bet he would be wonderful. Like the best poetry slammers, he would get right to that intense essence of whatever story he told. And John's clown phobia is as funny as always. And Rodney's coffee blindspot. And Teyla's secret evil. Awesome!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Ronon — I know, right? I have this whole theory now about just how oral traditions and battle training worked in the Satedan military. Thanks for letting me know you liked it!

[sqweakie.livejournal.com]

Oh gosh...snorts in laughter. There are no words...

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thanks!

[dragonladyk.livejournal.com]

we try to include you. Mostly. At least, I do. I mean, we all do, it's just —

"That the IOA are made up of narrow-minded morons and on Earth we let the least-qualified people make the rules for the rest of us, rules we have to follow even though we know they're stupid."

he would track down whoever had smuggled Stephen King's IT past his safeguards and into the city.

Haahahahahah!

DragonLady
EDIT: Second Ctrl+C failed to register. Fixed.

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Re: IOA quote. Snerk.

And John takes precautions, y'know? Heh. Thanks!

[trystings.livejournal.com]

Steel Magnolias! As if Ronon would suffer along with Sheppard, haha.

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Ronon's a hard guy to figure. He might like that stuff. John doesn't know! Hee. Thanks!

[toomuchfandom.livejournal.com]

This just made my night, thanks!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Yay, I'm glad! Thanks! (Re your icon: Hee!)

[wraithfodder.livejournal.com]

bwahahahah! Poor John. Good thing it wasn't Killer Klowns from Outer Space (yup, that's a real movie!)

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

That might be one of Rodney's last-ditch nuclear options. He's not saying. Heh. Thanks!

[tzi.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love you so much right now. This is AWESOME.

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you!

[cimmerdeux.livejournal.com]

Awesome. I love fics that add more depth to Ronan and Teyla. Excellent scene of Rodney caving in because it rings so true; I see the science department, pitchforks and torches in hand, led by Zelenka (who, like Ronan, is quiet and knows far, far more about Rodney than he could possible imagine). LOL

I have it in my head that Ronan and Teyla, working in tandem, could probably take down Atlantis in half a day? I never bought that Ronan was the 'Hulk smash' character we saw, especially in later seasons (like on the Daedalus), nope he knows where the critical systems are and how to disable quite a few things on Atlantis, if it were needed. Actually give those two Zelenka and I'm pretty sure they'd have a fair chance of beating John and Rodney. lol

Thanks

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

But if you had Ronon and Teyla and Zelenka, wouldn't that be an unfair advantage? Though that could make an interesting "wargames" kind of story. I don't have any ideas along those lines, but I hope someone does write that. Anyway, thanks!

[a_blackpanther]

I love this fic. I think Ronon would make a wonderful storyteller too. He's got a great voice for that kind of thing.

Great choice in terrifying movies for John though. I was thinking it would be some chick-flick, but it seems the team really wanted to punish him.

Awesome!

[michelel72.livejournal.com]

Thank you!