"Command Decision" by Ismene - Dark Side Challenge

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

Title: Command Decision
Author: Ismene
Pairing: McShep
Rating: R
Summary: I seem obsessed with Shep, McKay and torture. *looks disturbed by self* The show just...keeps ignoring that you can't just do things. I seem to need consequences to either their actions or actions I could see them taking. 500 words, one-shot.

PX9-734 was a nightmare. Rodney had played damsel in distress the whole time, held hostage by fucking peasants for knowing how to work their decrepit technology. It had been every worst-case-scenario John has imagined, and he’d done what had been necessary to get Rodney back. But even when Rodney had seen him covered in other mens’ blood, he’d assumed Rodney wouldn’t ask, wouldn’t question.

 

They’ve just gotten out of the shower, cleared by Beckett and Elizabeth for some down time, when Rodney finally demands an answer. “How many?”

 

His voice isn’t shaky or hesitant; he’s perfectly calm. John narrows his eyes but doesn’t answer, just keeps scrubbing through his hair with a towel.

 

“How many?”

 

“Does it really matter?” John snarls, but there’s no heat in his voice. He knows as well as Rodney that it’s the most important thing in the world right now. This could fuck everything up, if Rodney can’t handle it.

 

Rodney touches John’s face, turning it towards him, and repeats gently, “How many?”

 

“Five dead; one who isn’t, quite.” It’s more of a straight answer than Rodney expected, obviously. John glimpses something in those eyes, and jerks out from under Rodney’s hands.

 

“I refuse to belive I was wrong,” he says, and knows his shuttered face reflects how hurt he is.

 

“They – they were people, John. With friends and lovers… How could it be right?”

 

“You don’t leave people behind,” John grinds out, eyes everywhere but on Rodney. “You don’t get your people captured,” and something shifts in his voice, despite his attempts to stay blank.

 

Rodney hears it, makes the connection. “You think I’d talk. You think I’d break.”

 

John winces. “No-“

 

“Here I am, flattering myself that you did this because you love me, and it turns out you don’t even –“

 

“Jesus, Rodney. Of course I did it because… of that. I couldn’t… couldn’t let them...” John finds his hands have landed on Rodney’s broad shoulder. “No one else is questioning what I did – had you noticed that?” He only pauses for a moment, and then, “I did it because I love you. Does that mean I was wrong?”

 

Rodney pulls away and starts getting dressed, quickly.

 

Rodney’s silence gives John strength to whisper, “It was a command decision.” He wants to believe it too.

 

“Bullshit,” Rodney snaps back, lashing out like always. “It was a lover’s decision. I told you this would happen if we got involved.”

 

“Rodney-“

 

“You killed – you tortured someone.”

 

“I know.”

 

“To find me.”

 

“I know, Rodney, Christ-”

 

“John…I can’t do this.”

 

“Isn’t it supposed to be romantic, that I’d do anything for you?” His voice comes out far more bitter than he meant it to and Rodney zips his shirt before heading for the door.

 

“I love you,” John says, honestly angry, and Rodney pauses in the doorway. Their eyes haven’t met since John told him.

 

“Fuck you.”

 

He walks away, leaving John standing in his room half-naked, with inexplicable cold chilling him.

Comments

[larianelensar.livejournal.com]

Dang...I KNEW I shouldn't read it, dark angst isn't exactly my thing. But then, I can't always keep away either. This was good. Angsty and dark and sad and ...damn, I'm mad at rodney too! Nicely done.

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

I don't know...I think Rodney's a little less than reasonable, but then again, so's Shep. If that makes sense?

I get the feeling this theme is one I'll explore in more detail at a later point...because Rodney's too irrational, and John's no better.

Glad you liked, though.

Review

[(Anonymous)]

I applaud Rodney's decision. Well done.

Silverthreads

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

See, this and the previous response prove my point; the whole thing's a very painful scenario where Rodney and John are both wrong, to some degree. Thanks for responding, and I'm glad you liked.

[esteefee]

I think it really depends on a lot more detail than you've given us here. Who were the people John killed, what had they done to Rodney and what were their plans for him, how far were they willing to go, what exactly did John have to do to get Rodney back? Without knowing what happened, without being there, I don't feel comfortable judging either of them.

I just hurt for them both. :(

Oh! I meant to say: well done! But you guys got me all wrapped up in analysis. Very powerful, thank you for sharing with us.

[sid]

He walks away, leaving John standing in his room half-naked, with inexplicable cold chilling him.

Oh. Ow. I think they both could have handled it better. Maybe later.

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

That's exactly the point, isn't it? That the boys are very far from perfect.

Thanks for reading.

Wowzers

[krysalys.livejournal.com]

And this is why I love reading this kind of fic: it shows the imperfections of being human. Terrifying, soul-shaking, infuriating, and absolutely perfect in the writing.
Thank you! I do hope you continue on this particular thread, as I'm curious as to how the continued fallout would play out. Because we all know there aren't always happy endings, especially in Pegasus, though every single one of us hopes for it when we emotionally invest ourselves (even with ficitonal characters *chuckle*).
----}-@

Re: Wowzers

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

Thanks...I think there'll be more in this vein, if not on this challenge, from me in the future. I just keep getting so angry with the show...don't we all?

Thanks for reading. Glad you liked.

[forlornhope1865.livejournal.com]

this is an interesting take on post-whumping consequences. I like to think Rodney would be more appreciative (much much more) because hey, still alive!!

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

Well, the thing is...after what Kolya did to Rodney, I have trouble seeing him being okay with this kind of violence is any circumstance. Also he looked rather disgusted in Critical Mass, I thought, when they agreed to torture Kavanaugh and, later, Caldwell. Thanks for reading, though - the moral ambiguity is exactly what I'm going for here.

[cryptocat.livejournal.com]

Of course Rodney reacted badly to learning John tortured people. After what happened in The Storm and The Eye he's not going to see it as a loving act. He wasn't mutilated but deliberate injury can be traumatic.

[tidal_race]

Now, Rodney's response really makes sense! It made sense before, but now I know where the "fuck you" was coming from.

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that Rodney's response makes sense to the two of you; a few people thought he was overreacting. Thanks so much for responding, guys.

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you. I've been worried a little about Rodney's response. I'm so glad you thought I had him right. And I do think the show tries too hard to make our guys "the good guys" and the other guys "the bad guys" and sometimes it isn't that easy.

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

I totally know what you mean; been there, done that, bought the Sunnyville Angst shirt to prove it...lol. In SGA they're just like..."We're the good guys. We can so do that - Kavanaugh's a jackass, so it's all good. And the Wraith? Even when they're people they're not."

Thanks again for commenting.

critique--don't read if you don't want to know

[(Anonymous)]

Hm. It would be better if it either had a single thread or was better established. Reading it feels like being jerked around because first the story seems to be about one thing, then something else, then something else. First it seems to be about the awfulness of how much Rodney is worth. Then it says that John's actions were disproportionate, possibly psychotic. Then it suggests that Rodney is a weak link. Oh wait, no he isn't. Then it swings back to McKay's value, only this time as a love interest. Then Rodney slaps John down, but we don't know what his message is because "Fuck you" has no meaning other than "I'm angry."

All in all, confusing.

Re: critique--don't read if you don't want to know

[lonespark.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I agree with what you've said, but I'm not sure it's a bad thing, because all of that is in play.

Re: critique--don't read if you don't want to know

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

I think you're right that it's jumpy and a little confusing. I mean, it's a fight between two people who are in love but emotionally conflicted at this moment - a little internal contradiction is to be expected.

As to it being about how far John would go for Rodney...I think that issue is definitely there, but it's secondary to the fact that John in cannon is willing to engage in this kind of violence - Critical Mass showed us that.

John in the backstory to this definitely overreacts to a frightening situation. After "The Storm" the rest of Atlantis - John included - definitely includes the possibility of Rodney caving to torture as a strategic calculation. The mixture of fear for his lover's safety and fear for Atlantis' safety causes John to do thing we've seen him do in cannon.

Rodney is a weak link, but I don't think John wants to tell Rodney that he views him as such, and I certainly don't think that's John's only consideration.

Rodney's message isn't clear because Rodney's emotions aren't clear cut, either. I mean, he's hurt that John would think of him as a strategic risk, still a little upset by his experience, and almost betrayed that John has done to someone else what Kolya did to Rodney. Though Rodney's verbose, he isn't that articulate on things that matter emotionally; he lashes out and walks away from John because he can't handle the implications.

I totally see what you mean about if it were more fleshed out. In retrospect, if those explanations had been in the story, you might have been less confused.

I appreciate that you took the time to respond and give thoughful criticism. Too often we in fandom get caught up in being nice in reviews and forget that peer review is the most valuable thing an author can learn from.

Thanks so much.

[taiteilija.livejournal.com]

I liked it. Thanks for sharing!

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[valderys.livejournal.com]

God. Yes, what wonderfully fucked up people we have here. I love them to bits :) I tend to think Rodney's more wrong than John. Since the peasants had done the kidnapping, and were therefore very definitely bad guys. No moral ambiguity there. And I don't think it was just a lover's decision - Rodney is a significant resource to Atlantis, regardless of John's own feelings. The moral ambiguity is whether John could have got the information any other way, and what he thought they were doing to Rodney while time ticked by, which the fic doesn't make clear. If time was of the essence because Rodney was being tortured in turn (or so John thinks) then personally, I think he made the right call. I only hope Rodney forgives him for it. Particularly if Rodney wasn't being tortured, as you sort of imply. If he wasn't tortured (this time, anyway!) then I think he'll have a much harder time understanding John's decision. *pets them both* But isn't this the sort of stuff we love the show for? It is for me. Thank you for writing such a great thought provoking fic!

[lonespark.livejournal.com]

I do think the show has established that John will do or condone extreme things like this, so it needn't be because of Rodney. But timing being (or being perceived to be) important doesn't automatically translate to "torture will get the job done." Interrogation, investigation might succeed or fail for a number of reasons including your tactical choices, but now the failure or success is further tarnished by the blood on their hands.

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

See? See? This discussion is why I think the fic writers need to handle this issue in more detail, since the show writers won't do it.

I tend to agree with lonespark; I don't think Rodney is the catalyst, but I think his presence impacts the quickness with which John makes his decision.

I'm also not sure I disagree with Rodney; even though the inhabitants of the planet took him hostage, they didn't do to him the things John was afraid they would - and even then, is torture justified? it's these sort of messy questions that I think make this such a tough issue and one they need to resolve.

[luv-adam.livejournal.com]

im totally not sure how i feel about this...

*deep Breath* see on one hand im a hopeless romantic and i kinda love to see them all live happily eva after not matter what happens, despite all odds, yadda...

BUT i can totally see Rodney not being able to handle this sort of behaviour on his or anyone elses behalf. and not only coz of Kolya but also coz he doesnt have the military mindset that John has.. it would have to create some conflict

so to wrap up my ramble my romantic side hated it (not the writing just the sadness - i hope i didnt offend coz that wasnt my intention) but my realist side thought it was very true to life.

so yea i did enjoy it coz it made me think and it was well written as you can see a lovers argument (this one in particular) being all over the place)

so that is my very long winded way of saying good work! *pants*

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I totally get where you're coming from...run over to my LJ and you'll see that I usually write happy stuff. If you want cute McShep from me try "Concealment" or "Cheat" or "Delineations."

...dude, I totally just self-pimped. *facepalm*

Thanks for the comments...glad you liked it.

[wickedrabbit.livejournal.com]

First off I just want to say that I think the way you respond to your comments is awesome. You obviously really want the commentary, and the give-n-take exhibited in the comment thread really shows how positive that experience can be.

Also I don't think either of your characters are over-reacting in this story. They're coming from a high adrenaline situation, and Rodney is facing the fact that having someone commit murder for you is highly unpleasant. The root of his questions seems to be less of Why would John do these things, and more How could he do this so easily. Interestingly I don't see this fight as an end. As much as this hurts them both, the situation in Atlantis is such that I think they'll still end up with each other as the only way to hold on.

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

Isn't that what fandom is about, though, discussion of the stuff the show doesn't resolve for us? I mean...this is fun. *g* God, I'm a nerd.

I'm glad you liked the characters...and yeah, I don't think it's the end.
I'm with you that neither of them can get away from the other, so something has to get either resolved or repressed or both.

Actually, in the comments above I mentioned that I think there'll be more to this, if not during this challenge then over at my lj or the mckay_sheppard comm. Hope you liked it enough to read more, if and when I go there.

Thanks for the reviews and the compliments...I'm a talkative person. I like sharing. *smiles*

[lishel_fracrium.livejournal.com]

wow that was an eye opener.

[ismenetruth.livejournal.com]

Well, the whole point was to provoke thought. Glad it worked.

Thanks so much for reviewing.

[keerawa.livejournal.com]

Oh, excellent. Actions should have consequences.