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sga_flashficTitle: The Sexual History of Rodney McKay (or "How Not To Produce an Orgasm")
Author: Salsatiable
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Main Characters: Rodney McKay, John Sheppard
Rating: R
Summary: Post-coital talk and reminiscing, Rodney style.
Spoilers: none, not even if you squint.
Word Count: 1649
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of it’s characters. I write merely for the love of it
A/N:Written for the "bad sex challenge" on ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
sga_flashfic.
My thanks, as ever, to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ferret_kitty for her encouragement, lightening-fast beta and her war with my often appalling grammar. All remaining bad things are entirely my own fault.
I was tempted to not post this and come back to it a few more times before posting it in a few days. However, I thought 'to hell with that, I'll only continue to twiddle with it until I'm sick to death of it.' Also, is it me or are the boards very quiet at the moment? Here's my attempt to entertain.
“We have good sex.”
John slowly opened his eyes at the words. He was sprawled across the bed; limbs entangled with Rodney’s, skin hot and moist, breath coming in deep pants. His entire body felt like it was glowing.
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”
“I’m serious, Colonel.” John smiled to himself, he supposed he should find it weird that Rodney always called him by his rank, even when naked, but he didn’t. It was almost as though it was a pet name. Rodney calling him ‘Colonel’ was laden with far more affection than when anyone else called him ‘John’. Plus there was the fun fact that whenever Rodney called him Colonel outside of the bedroom, whether in a meeting, on a mission, or eating lunch, John heard it echoed in his head in a much breathier, basically pornographic way, and hell, that’s one flashback he doesn’t mind having repeatedly!
“So, we have good sex, lucky us, so what?”
“I’m just saying, some people have bad sex, spectacularly bad sex, and here we are having fantastic sex, night after night after night. I don’t mind admitting I’ve had some outstandingly bad sex in my life. Not just bad actually, quite disastrous on several occasions.”
John felt his interest perk up, and he managed to roll himself onto his side to look down at Rodney’s exertion-reddened face. His legs sliding damply between Rodney’s as he repositioned himself.
“Disastrous? Isn’t that a little dramatic?”
“No, I don’t think so.” Rodney shook his head, his face completely serious, and very thoughtful.
“Well go on then,” John grinned, “tell me about one of these ‘disasters.’”
“Well, once I was in bed with a girl, and she had a piercing, ‘down there,’ I managed to rip it off, blood everywhere.” Rodney looked both proud and horrified at what he’d just said.
“You didn’t!”
“I did, she was screaming and screaming, well, I thought she was enjoying it, especially considering how wet she suddenly was. Needless to say, I never saw her again. Then, this one time with this guy, his jaw locked during, well, you get the picture. My dick was in his mouth for hours.”
“No way!” John was half laughing, half cringing
“I kid you not,”
“How did you…?”
“Disentangle myself?” Rodney asked with raised eyebrows.
“Exactly!”
“Well, obviously after a while I ‘lost my enthusiasm’,” air quotes and everything, that was his Rodney, “but we still couldn’t get me out. Stuart was completely against calling anyone for help, let’s just say, you’re not the first military man I’ve known. We struggled at it for a long time, I pulled myself out eventually, with a lot of scraping, it hurt, a lot, I couldn’t get an erection for weeks.”
John was horribly fascinated; he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know these things, but at the same time he couldn’t wait to hear the next story.
“Then there was the time that Abby’s pet snake…..”
.
.
.
[20
Minutes
Later]
.
.
.
“… Oh and once I got elbowed in the face three times in one session. Bloody nose, busted lip, black eye. My word, she was a thrasher. My boss too, so when everyone was asking about my ‘mugging’ she felt like she had to join in or give us away!” Rodney was lost in nostalgia, shaking his head and no doubt picturing past conquests. John felt something inside him warm with affection for the man next to him so he leant forward, dropping a gentle kiss on the broad shoulder. He was rewarded with a fond smile.
“What about you, Colonel? Any unpleasant sex accidents?”
John shook his head; his sex life seemed positively dull next to this entourage of sexual misfortunes. He was searching his brain for something, anything, when a long buried memory resurfaced.
“Oh wait, there was this one time in high school,” Rodney nodded his head encouragingly. “I had braces, he had foreskin…. Bad times.” Rodney winced in sympathy for the almost forgotten recipient of John’s first ever blowjob.
“You see what I mean? There’s a myriad of things that routinely go wrong. We’re incredibly lucky that everything always goes perfectly for us.”
“I guess so,” John agreed with a smile. “In a way we owe it to everyone else out there who’s having bad sex to have the best sex we can, as often as possible, don’t you think?”
With a grin Rodney rolled on top of John, carding his fingers though the thick dark hair. John leaned into the touch, and pushed up against the solid weight on top of him.
“I think that can be arranged.”
.
.
.
[5
Minutes
Later]
.
.
.
“I’m sorry, this has never happened to me before.”
John leaned his head back and closed his eyes in mortification. He couldn’t believe what was happening, John Jr. had never refused to come out and play before.
“It’s ok, it happens to everyone sometimes,” Rodney said, patting John’s thigh, then giving it a light squeeze.
John turned to look at him. “Really? Has it ever happened to you?” he asked hopefully, seeking reassurance.
“Well, ah, no, but I’m sure it will, one day. And you might not have recovered from earlier, so I wouldn’t worry about it.”
John banged his head back down onto the pillow. “Don’t try and make me feel better, Rodney, you know how quick my recovery time is!”
“Yes, Colonel, you’re practically a teenager!” John could hear Rodney rolling his eyes. “Look, it’s nothing to worry about, you’re probably just tired.”
John turned over, dragging the blanket with him.
“Goodnight then!”
“Oh for heavens sake, it’s not that big a deal!”
John knew he was being irrational, but he couldn’t help it. This was the first time anything like this had ever happened to him. Now he was worried he was just going to end up as one of Rodney’s ‘failed sex’ stories.
.
.
.
[5
Minutes
Later]
.
.
.
John let out a sigh and turned back over.
“Ready to talk now are you?”
“I may have overreacted a little.”
“Oh really?”
John sat up in the bed and leaned his back against the wall, breathing deeply. He was trying his best not to be upset, but he wasn’t really succeeding at it, he was incredibly embarrassed. Rodney sat up next to him, it was a bit of a squeeze, but John had never minded being squashed up against that big strong body.
“I felt pressured,” he admitted, staring straight ahead, not wanting to meet Rodney’s eyes.
“Pressured? What are you talking about?
“You were going on about how perfect sex with me is, then you spent half an hour listing all the things that could possibly go wrong, and I felt…pressured, to perform well.” John shut his eyes and rested his head back, he felt so foolish admitting this out loud. But he felt Rodney’s large, capable hand settle on his thigh and squeeze, and then Rodney’s perfect lips touched his shoulder and kissed it tenderly. Rodney stayed silent and John felt encouraged to carry on talking.
“I thought if I didn’t …if we didn’t…. if it wasn’t good, I thought you wouldn’t want to carry on, I thought I’d just be some story you told someone one day.” He took a deep breath, “I’m not good at talking about… about … feelings and things, but… I don’t want this to end, I don’t even know what this is, but I don’t want it to stop. You make me… I want… I…”
John knew he was babbling; he didn’t even know what it was he was trying to say, so when Rodney said “Stop talking now,” he waited for it to be followed with a ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech. Although, knowing Rodney, it would probably be ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ speech!
He turned his head to finally look Rodney in the face. Those big blue eyes were bigger than ever and John struggled to meet them. But then he didn’t have to as Rodney’s lips settled on his own. It was a soft, gentle kiss, Rodney’s tongue lapping gently at his mouth, he responded in kind, despite his confusion, and then pulled away.
“Rodney...”
“I said stop talking.” Rodney ran his fingers through John’s hair, rubbing at his scalp in the way he loved.
“You were feeling insecure,” he said after a while. John met his eyes, worried, and nodded. “You don’t get it do you, Colonel?” John felt his forehead wrinkle in confusion.
“You think this is all about sex, and if it isn’t one hundred percent amazing every single time then I’m going to finish it?”
John closed his eyes, waiting for the blow to fall.
“Look at me!” Rodney ordered; he obeyed.
“Bad sex with you would still be magnificent sex as far as I’m concerned. Make me bleed, injure my dick, give me a black eye, break my arm, do whatever damage you could and it would still be better sex than with anyone else in the world, the galaxy, two galaxies.”
John couldn’t help the smile that spread involuntarily across his face. What Rodney was saying was that this… thing was more than just sex. He was saying that he…
John put his hand on Rodney’s cheek and rubbed circles with his thumb, he met those big eyes full on.
“So what you’re saying is that you…?” he paused, leaving the question hanging because he didn’t know how to finish it.
Rodney smiled, “Yeah, you…?
“Yeah.” John nodded his head gently and smiled. He leaned forward to initiate a kiss and it quickly turned heated, he rolled them over in the little bed until he was on top, kissing hard and dirty, rubbing up against the wide, smooth expanse of Canadian skin.
Rodney pulled away and gave John a grin. “Hello hello, I do believe John Jr, has come out to play.”
John ground down. “You’re damn right he has.”
Author: Salsatiable
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Main Characters: Rodney McKay, John Sheppard
Rating: R
Summary: Post-coital talk and reminiscing, Rodney style.
Spoilers: none, not even if you squint.
Word Count: 1649
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of it’s characters. I write merely for the love of it
A/N:
sga_flashfic.ferret_kitty for her encouragement, lightening-fast beta and her war with my often appalling grammar. All remaining bad things are entirely my own fault.“We have good sex.”
John slowly opened his eyes at the words. He was sprawled across the bed; limbs entangled with Rodney’s, skin hot and moist, breath coming in deep pants. His entire body felt like it was glowing.
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”
“I’m serious, Colonel.” John smiled to himself, he supposed he should find it weird that Rodney always called him by his rank, even when naked, but he didn’t. It was almost as though it was a pet name. Rodney calling him ‘Colonel’ was laden with far more affection than when anyone else called him ‘John’. Plus there was the fun fact that whenever Rodney called him Colonel outside of the bedroom, whether in a meeting, on a mission, or eating lunch, John heard it echoed in his head in a much breathier, basically pornographic way, and hell, that’s one flashback he doesn’t mind having repeatedly!
“So, we have good sex, lucky us, so what?”
“I’m just saying, some people have bad sex, spectacularly bad sex, and here we are having fantastic sex, night after night after night. I don’t mind admitting I’ve had some outstandingly bad sex in my life. Not just bad actually, quite disastrous on several occasions.”
John felt his interest perk up, and he managed to roll himself onto his side to look down at Rodney’s exertion-reddened face. His legs sliding damply between Rodney’s as he repositioned himself.
“Disastrous? Isn’t that a little dramatic?”
“No, I don’t think so.” Rodney shook his head, his face completely serious, and very thoughtful.
“Well go on then,” John grinned, “tell me about one of these ‘disasters.’”
“Well, once I was in bed with a girl, and she had a piercing, ‘down there,’ I managed to rip it off, blood everywhere.” Rodney looked both proud and horrified at what he’d just said.
“You didn’t!”
“I did, she was screaming and screaming, well, I thought she was enjoying it, especially considering how wet she suddenly was. Needless to say, I never saw her again. Then, this one time with this guy, his jaw locked during, well, you get the picture. My dick was in his mouth for hours.”
“No way!” John was half laughing, half cringing
“I kid you not,”
“How did you…?”
“Disentangle myself?” Rodney asked with raised eyebrows.
“Exactly!”
“Well, obviously after a while I ‘lost my enthusiasm’,” air quotes and everything, that was his Rodney, “but we still couldn’t get me out. Stuart was completely against calling anyone for help, let’s just say, you’re not the first military man I’ve known. We struggled at it for a long time, I pulled myself out eventually, with a lot of scraping, it hurt, a lot, I couldn’t get an erection for weeks.”
John was horribly fascinated; he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know these things, but at the same time he couldn’t wait to hear the next story.
“Then there was the time that Abby’s pet snake…..”
.
.
.
[20
Minutes
Later]
.
.
.
“… Oh and once I got elbowed in the face three times in one session. Bloody nose, busted lip, black eye. My word, she was a thrasher. My boss too, so when everyone was asking about my ‘mugging’ she felt like she had to join in or give us away!” Rodney was lost in nostalgia, shaking his head and no doubt picturing past conquests. John felt something inside him warm with affection for the man next to him so he leant forward, dropping a gentle kiss on the broad shoulder. He was rewarded with a fond smile.
“What about you, Colonel? Any unpleasant sex accidents?”
John shook his head; his sex life seemed positively dull next to this entourage of sexual misfortunes. He was searching his brain for something, anything, when a long buried memory resurfaced.
“Oh wait, there was this one time in high school,” Rodney nodded his head encouragingly. “I had braces, he had foreskin…. Bad times.” Rodney winced in sympathy for the almost forgotten recipient of John’s first ever blowjob.
“You see what I mean? There’s a myriad of things that routinely go wrong. We’re incredibly lucky that everything always goes perfectly for us.”
“I guess so,” John agreed with a smile. “In a way we owe it to everyone else out there who’s having bad sex to have the best sex we can, as often as possible, don’t you think?”
With a grin Rodney rolled on top of John, carding his fingers though the thick dark hair. John leaned into the touch, and pushed up against the solid weight on top of him.
“I think that can be arranged.”
.
.
.
[5
Minutes
Later]
.
.
.
“I’m sorry, this has never happened to me before.”
John leaned his head back and closed his eyes in mortification. He couldn’t believe what was happening, John Jr. had never refused to come out and play before.
“It’s ok, it happens to everyone sometimes,” Rodney said, patting John’s thigh, then giving it a light squeeze.
John turned to look at him. “Really? Has it ever happened to you?” he asked hopefully, seeking reassurance.
“Well, ah, no, but I’m sure it will, one day. And you might not have recovered from earlier, so I wouldn’t worry about it.”
John banged his head back down onto the pillow. “Don’t try and make me feel better, Rodney, you know how quick my recovery time is!”
“Yes, Colonel, you’re practically a teenager!” John could hear Rodney rolling his eyes. “Look, it’s nothing to worry about, you’re probably just tired.”
John turned over, dragging the blanket with him.
“Goodnight then!”
“Oh for heavens sake, it’s not that big a deal!”
John knew he was being irrational, but he couldn’t help it. This was the first time anything like this had ever happened to him. Now he was worried he was just going to end up as one of Rodney’s ‘failed sex’ stories.
.
.
.
[5
Minutes
Later]
.
.
.
John let out a sigh and turned back over.
“Ready to talk now are you?”
“I may have overreacted a little.”
“Oh really?”
John sat up in the bed and leaned his back against the wall, breathing deeply. He was trying his best not to be upset, but he wasn’t really succeeding at it, he was incredibly embarrassed. Rodney sat up next to him, it was a bit of a squeeze, but John had never minded being squashed up against that big strong body.
“I felt pressured,” he admitted, staring straight ahead, not wanting to meet Rodney’s eyes.
“Pressured? What are you talking about?
“You were going on about how perfect sex with me is, then you spent half an hour listing all the things that could possibly go wrong, and I felt…pressured, to perform well.” John shut his eyes and rested his head back, he felt so foolish admitting this out loud. But he felt Rodney’s large, capable hand settle on his thigh and squeeze, and then Rodney’s perfect lips touched his shoulder and kissed it tenderly. Rodney stayed silent and John felt encouraged to carry on talking.
“I thought if I didn’t …if we didn’t…. if it wasn’t good, I thought you wouldn’t want to carry on, I thought I’d just be some story you told someone one day.” He took a deep breath, “I’m not good at talking about… about … feelings and things, but… I don’t want this to end, I don’t even know what this is, but I don’t want it to stop. You make me… I want… I…”
John knew he was babbling; he didn’t even know what it was he was trying to say, so when Rodney said “Stop talking now,” he waited for it to be followed with a ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech. Although, knowing Rodney, it would probably be ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ speech!
He turned his head to finally look Rodney in the face. Those big blue eyes were bigger than ever and John struggled to meet them. But then he didn’t have to as Rodney’s lips settled on his own. It was a soft, gentle kiss, Rodney’s tongue lapping gently at his mouth, he responded in kind, despite his confusion, and then pulled away.
“Rodney...”
“I said stop talking.” Rodney ran his fingers through John’s hair, rubbing at his scalp in the way he loved.
“You were feeling insecure,” he said after a while. John met his eyes, worried, and nodded. “You don’t get it do you, Colonel?” John felt his forehead wrinkle in confusion.
“You think this is all about sex, and if it isn’t one hundred percent amazing every single time then I’m going to finish it?”
John closed his eyes, waiting for the blow to fall.
“Look at me!” Rodney ordered; he obeyed.
“Bad sex with you would still be magnificent sex as far as I’m concerned. Make me bleed, injure my dick, give me a black eye, break my arm, do whatever damage you could and it would still be better sex than with anyone else in the world, the galaxy, two galaxies.”
John couldn’t help the smile that spread involuntarily across his face. What Rodney was saying was that this… thing was more than just sex. He was saying that he…
John put his hand on Rodney’s cheek and rubbed circles with his thumb, he met those big eyes full on.
“So what you’re saying is that you…?” he paused, leaving the question hanging because he didn’t know how to finish it.
Rodney smiled, “Yeah, you…?
“Yeah.” John nodded his head gently and smiled. He leaned forward to initiate a kiss and it quickly turned heated, he rolled them over in the little bed until he was on top, kissing hard and dirty, rubbing up against the wide, smooth expanse of Canadian skin.
Rodney pulled away and gave John a grin. “Hello hello, I do believe John Jr, has come out to play.”
John ground down. “You’re damn right he has.”
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-18 10:40 pm (UTC)I'm usually not a huge fan of post-coital talk, especially for J and R but you totally made it real, completely enjoyable, and just how I would envision them together. I give you heaps of gold stars just for that alone. But it was funny, a little tender without being sappy and I LOVED the last two lines. Pitch perfect, I say.
So, I totally enjoyed this and shall be tagging it for future reference!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-18 10:51 pm (UTC)Thankyou so much for a lovely comment.
I'm not a big fan of the sappy John and Rodney you get in some fic, I don't see their characters being overly soppy and loveydovey, so I wanted to show that they had feelings for each other, without it going into that territory, if that made any sense whatsoever!
Anyway, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-18 10:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-18 10:51 pm (UTC)I aim to please!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-18 11:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-18 11:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-18 11:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 11:58 am (UTC)I agree, I really like insecure John!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 12:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 11:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-22 09:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-22 02:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 08:34 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 01:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 12:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 01:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 12:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 04:15 am (UTC)often appalling grammar
I don't know that I'd go that far. *grins* Always happy to help! And reading your stuff is never a hard-ship, even the first time. *prods* So how 'bout that banana!fic?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-19 12:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-01 10:21 am (UTC)*grins the grin of the evil*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-01 03:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-02 10:53 am (UTC)Oooh, can I read it? Can I, can I? *g* I love crack. And it is kinda my fault... *grins evilly again*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-02 12:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-20 03:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-20 08:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-21 10:21 pm (UTC)*giggles* That's so very true!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-22 02:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-22 11:03 pm (UTC)Me ♥ you!!! Mucho ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ this fic!!! :D
...that is all. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-22 11:10 pm (UTC)That's the kind of response that makes me want to write more!
Thankyou!
Also, your icon? It just kills me!
:)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-01 10:25 am (UTC)I was sitting there thinking, 'wow, you guys just cursed yourselves' while they were mutually back patting themselves and each other and so it was fantastic when John actually did - plus, there is just something so, so sweet in having the gigolo of Stargate Atlantis not being able to perform for his boy. It just wouldn't have worked as well if Rodney had been the one having 'difficulties'.
*glomps happily and saves fic to read again and again whenever she wants*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-01 03:11 pm (UTC)I can't be bothered with those completely over the top sappy fics. I have trouble being soppy and romantic myself, I really can't imagine John and Rodney being like that.
Yeah, they totally cursed themselves. I completely blame Rodney :)
But it all worked out in the end, so yay!