(no subject)
Sep. 24th, 2006 12:22 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
cad27.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
sga_flashficTitle: Anthology of Pros
Author: Cad27
Summary: For once, someone agrees with Rodney: John is a big ol' space slut. As far as the nuns are concerned anyway.
Rating: Couldn't really be higher than a PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money being made out of this.
Notes: So I read the challenge and went "Sex bad! No cookie!" and then thought of nuns and was kind of horrified that this would be the way I introduce myself to this fandom (By the way, hi!). Currently unbetad apart from the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
doublel27 casting a quick hand-holding eye over it. Written for the bad sex challenge obviously, and thanks to whom I learnt that apparently an anthology is the collective noun for prostitutes.
Since coming to the Pegasus galaxy, John Sheppard was getting used to having a wide variety of quite strange things yelled at him. Out of every possible thing though, the sight of an elderly woman staring at him, going bright red and shrieking “Oh Ancients! Children, cover your eyes!” before burying her face- the only visible part of her body- in her voluminous shawls, however, had not even made the list.
Everyone in sight reacted instantly; the children taking one look at them before dissolving into shock and hiding their faces in their apparently equally numerous layers, Ronon lifting his gun and spinning even as Teyla stepped forward, mouth already open to say how they really did mean no harm, and Rodney shrieked “Oh my God, are there killer bees?”
Everyone, including the children turned around to look at him strangely, but then the woman looked up and shrieked again.
Teyla wasn’t having any luck getting the woman to calm down or even stop yelling, so John stepped forward, opening his mouth to either yell over the top of her or possibly hope the Kirk thing still applied to the elderly, and was met with a ringing slap from a gloved hand that made his ears ring. “Hussy!” the woman shrieked furiously as John wobbled backwards in surprise and Rodney yelled that if Ronon shot the little old lady they were going to have to leave and who could blame her for pegging Sheppard anyway?
Ignoring the wandering diatribe behind him, he straightened up again, murmuring “Ma’am, I don’t….” but she cut him off with a sniff that would have done any number of redoubtable British women proud before rounding on Teyla snapping “And you! You should be ashamed of yourself, carrying on with floozies like these! Three of them! Hmph!” before stalking off, gathering the scattered children back to her with short words that rang across the clearing before stalking off into the forest.
Blinking in confusion, John rubbed his stinging cheek wondering what the hell had just happened.
“Teyla?” he asked but she just shook her head, eyes dancing with amusement as Ronon and McKay joined them.
“I’m afraid I do not know what prompted her reaction, Colonel Sheppard.” She said. “My people have not traded here before. It did not seem…favorable however.”
“I’d say that’s a safe assumption,” Sheppard drawled. “Lets follow her and find out why, if we can. They can’t have gotten far wearing all those clothes.”
***
That at least, proved normal. It took only a few minutes walk following the clearly visible trail before the underbrush opened in front of them to reveal a small village, populated by identically-dressed versions of the woman. Every person there looked remarkably like an ambulatory potato sack, wrapped in layers and layers of shawls, leaving even the vague shapes of limbs barely visible in full daylight.
There also wasn’t a man in sight.
John led the way across from the edge of the clearing, because while he and Teyla hadn’t had much success last time, it was a fairly good bet that they’d still do better than Rodney or Ronon when it came to making friends. “Hi.” He said brightly to the first person that presented themselves, stepping out from a doorway before gasping and trying to duck back inside. He got as far as “I’m lieutenant-colonel Shep-” before she cut him off with a sharp gasp, snapping “Why you wanton trollop! What right have you got to talk to common decent folk, and you dressed like that to boot? Have you no shame?” Then she slapped him across the face- thankfully on the other cheek, he’d have matching glove-prints- before sniffing disapprovingly at Teyla before turning and stalking back into the small house.
Behind him, he could hear McKay trying and failing miserably to stifle laughter.
“Fine.” He ground out, turning around to survey the rest of the village. “Lets try that again.”
Twenty minutes later, his face was really starting to hurt, Ronon had handprints on his shoulders, the highest his own little old lady had been able to reach, Teyla had been told she’d end up with VD and it was no better than she deserved and Rodney had stopped laughing after the blacksmith’s wife or the blacksmith, had taken him over her knee.
They also still hadn’t seen any men.
“Look,” McKay began, rubbing his ass gently because that woman had arms like a bodybuilder, “clearly, these people have some serious mental issues and I’m not even getting a hint of a ZPM. Can we just leave already?”
“Well I don’t know Rodney, we were doing so well making friends,” Sheppard drawled, turning back towards the forest path that lead to the gate. “I’m still trying to work out why they don’t like us though; it wasn’t like we even let you talk or anything.”
Ignoring McKay’s “Haha, very funny Kirk, I didn’t see you impressing anyone” fade into the background, he led the way back into the forest.
They hadn’t gone more than a few metres in before Ronon growled and jammed his gun into the face of a bush. The face turned out to have the rest of a person attached too it, dressed in green robes and a veil. It hissed in alarm and said in a surprisingly male voice “Alright, alright, geez, I just wanted to know if you had any places going.”
“Places?” McKay asked blankly before anyone else could say anything. “Places for what?”
“In your anthology,” the apparently-a-man said, rolling his eyes. “Look, you aren’t fooling anyone, dressed like that.”
John turned to McKay who burst out “Our what?” and Ronon who had lowered his gun, raised it again, adding “What’s wrong with our clothes?”
The man nearly choked on his veil. “You can’t come into the village where decent folk can see you. I mean, I can see your necks and elbows and everything. You might as well be wearing nothing.”
John blinked for a moment, directing another glance towards Teyla. More specifically, at her cleavage which was as visible as ever. “Right.” He said, for lack of anything better to say.
Ronon just shrugged and twitched the gun again in a questioning motion that made John shake his head, when Rodney’s eyes bulged wider than normal and he shouted “You think we’re WHORES?”
John blinked again.
“Well it’s kind of obvious,” the man said defensively, from under his veil. “I mean, just look at how you’re dressed.”
“We’re dressed perfectly well!” Rodney yelled and John rolled his eyes.
“Then there’s your pimp.” The man said over the noise, nodding at Teyla as though that made some kind of sense.
A moment passed, in which many embarrassed looks were shared and Teyla looked vaguely condescending at all of them, and John and Rodney arrived at a silent promise to never speak of this moment again, before John said “Look, we aren’t prostitutes. Really.”
“But….” The man said, opening his mouth hopefully as John continued over the top of him. “Look, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but why were you trying to sign up to be a prostitute anyway?”
“It’s terrible here!” the man burst out. “The priestesses are just so mean and they have these sticks they use to hit your knuckles and all the girls just want to be horrible old priestesses and they make us live in these huts and we're never allowed to go outside and it’s boring.” Ripping off his veil in what John supposed was vaguely equivalent to burning his bra, the man yelled “I want to be free to physically express my love! Sex doesn’t kill people, people do!” and before Ronon could do more than wave the gun vaguely, threw himself on Teyla’s feet, kissing her shoes.
“Please!” He begged desperately, “Take me with you! I’ll do anything!”
Teyla opened her mouth to say “I…” when out of the forest burst a pack of elderly women, wearing forty-six identical layers of gloves, scarves, shawls and potato sacks.
“You keep your filthy hands off him, you disgraceful girl!” the first arrival shrieked, delivering a slap to the hands of the begging boy that echoed through the forest. “Mathias, what do you think you’re doing? We can’t be having with this foolishness.” She alternated between stuffing the discarded veil, which she’d somehow managed to snatch up on Mathias’ protesting face, vocal tirade building to a somewhat terrifying shriek while the other woman descended, squawking like gulls about the “filthy, filthy tarts teaching their menfolk wicked ways” and hurling everything from fruit to rocks.
Ducking one particularly ripe tomato-thing, John shouted “I think it’s time we left,” and they turned as one, bolting for the gate.
***
A few days later, after they’d showered the gunk off and come up with a properly edited version for the mission reports, Teyla and John had just finished sparring when she said “Tell me, colonel Sheppard. I asked Major Lorne about the word Mathias called me, back on P43-MX8 and he laughed and said that you, McKay and Ronon were my bitches. Could you perhaps explain this too me?”
Author: Cad27
Summary: For once, someone agrees with Rodney: John is a big ol' space slut. As far as the nuns are concerned anyway.
Rating: Couldn't really be higher than a PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money being made out of this.
Notes: So I read the challenge and went "Sex bad! No cookie!" and then thought of nuns and was kind of horrified that this would be the way I introduce myself to this fandom (By the way, hi!). Currently unbetad apart from the
doublel27 casting a quick hand-holding eye over it. Written for the bad sex challenge obviously, and thanks to whom I learnt that apparently an anthology is the collective noun for prostitutes. Since coming to the Pegasus galaxy, John Sheppard was getting used to having a wide variety of quite strange things yelled at him. Out of every possible thing though, the sight of an elderly woman staring at him, going bright red and shrieking “Oh Ancients! Children, cover your eyes!” before burying her face- the only visible part of her body- in her voluminous shawls, however, had not even made the list.
Everyone in sight reacted instantly; the children taking one look at them before dissolving into shock and hiding their faces in their apparently equally numerous layers, Ronon lifting his gun and spinning even as Teyla stepped forward, mouth already open to say how they really did mean no harm, and Rodney shrieked “Oh my God, are there killer bees?”
Everyone, including the children turned around to look at him strangely, but then the woman looked up and shrieked again.
Teyla wasn’t having any luck getting the woman to calm down or even stop yelling, so John stepped forward, opening his mouth to either yell over the top of her or possibly hope the Kirk thing still applied to the elderly, and was met with a ringing slap from a gloved hand that made his ears ring. “Hussy!” the woman shrieked furiously as John wobbled backwards in surprise and Rodney yelled that if Ronon shot the little old lady they were going to have to leave and who could blame her for pegging Sheppard anyway?
Ignoring the wandering diatribe behind him, he straightened up again, murmuring “Ma’am, I don’t….” but she cut him off with a sniff that would have done any number of redoubtable British women proud before rounding on Teyla snapping “And you! You should be ashamed of yourself, carrying on with floozies like these! Three of them! Hmph!” before stalking off, gathering the scattered children back to her with short words that rang across the clearing before stalking off into the forest.
Blinking in confusion, John rubbed his stinging cheek wondering what the hell had just happened.
“Teyla?” he asked but she just shook her head, eyes dancing with amusement as Ronon and McKay joined them.
“I’m afraid I do not know what prompted her reaction, Colonel Sheppard.” She said. “My people have not traded here before. It did not seem…favorable however.”
“I’d say that’s a safe assumption,” Sheppard drawled. “Lets follow her and find out why, if we can. They can’t have gotten far wearing all those clothes.”
***
That at least, proved normal. It took only a few minutes walk following the clearly visible trail before the underbrush opened in front of them to reveal a small village, populated by identically-dressed versions of the woman. Every person there looked remarkably like an ambulatory potato sack, wrapped in layers and layers of shawls, leaving even the vague shapes of limbs barely visible in full daylight.
There also wasn’t a man in sight.
John led the way across from the edge of the clearing, because while he and Teyla hadn’t had much success last time, it was a fairly good bet that they’d still do better than Rodney or Ronon when it came to making friends. “Hi.” He said brightly to the first person that presented themselves, stepping out from a doorway before gasping and trying to duck back inside. He got as far as “I’m lieutenant-colonel Shep-” before she cut him off with a sharp gasp, snapping “Why you wanton trollop! What right have you got to talk to common decent folk, and you dressed like that to boot? Have you no shame?” Then she slapped him across the face- thankfully on the other cheek, he’d have matching glove-prints- before sniffing disapprovingly at Teyla before turning and stalking back into the small house.
Behind him, he could hear McKay trying and failing miserably to stifle laughter.
“Fine.” He ground out, turning around to survey the rest of the village. “Lets try that again.”
Twenty minutes later, his face was really starting to hurt, Ronon had handprints on his shoulders, the highest his own little old lady had been able to reach, Teyla had been told she’d end up with VD and it was no better than she deserved and Rodney had stopped laughing after the blacksmith’s wife or the blacksmith, had taken him over her knee.
They also still hadn’t seen any men.
“Look,” McKay began, rubbing his ass gently because that woman had arms like a bodybuilder, “clearly, these people have some serious mental issues and I’m not even getting a hint of a ZPM. Can we just leave already?”
“Well I don’t know Rodney, we were doing so well making friends,” Sheppard drawled, turning back towards the forest path that lead to the gate. “I’m still trying to work out why they don’t like us though; it wasn’t like we even let you talk or anything.”
Ignoring McKay’s “Haha, very funny Kirk, I didn’t see you impressing anyone” fade into the background, he led the way back into the forest.
They hadn’t gone more than a few metres in before Ronon growled and jammed his gun into the face of a bush. The face turned out to have the rest of a person attached too it, dressed in green robes and a veil. It hissed in alarm and said in a surprisingly male voice “Alright, alright, geez, I just wanted to know if you had any places going.”
“Places?” McKay asked blankly before anyone else could say anything. “Places for what?”
“In your anthology,” the apparently-a-man said, rolling his eyes. “Look, you aren’t fooling anyone, dressed like that.”
John turned to McKay who burst out “Our what?” and Ronon who had lowered his gun, raised it again, adding “What’s wrong with our clothes?”
The man nearly choked on his veil. “You can’t come into the village where decent folk can see you. I mean, I can see your necks and elbows and everything. You might as well be wearing nothing.”
John blinked for a moment, directing another glance towards Teyla. More specifically, at her cleavage which was as visible as ever. “Right.” He said, for lack of anything better to say.
Ronon just shrugged and twitched the gun again in a questioning motion that made John shake his head, when Rodney’s eyes bulged wider than normal and he shouted “You think we’re WHORES?”
John blinked again.
“Well it’s kind of obvious,” the man said defensively, from under his veil. “I mean, just look at how you’re dressed.”
“We’re dressed perfectly well!” Rodney yelled and John rolled his eyes.
“Then there’s your pimp.” The man said over the noise, nodding at Teyla as though that made some kind of sense.
A moment passed, in which many embarrassed looks were shared and Teyla looked vaguely condescending at all of them, and John and Rodney arrived at a silent promise to never speak of this moment again, before John said “Look, we aren’t prostitutes. Really.”
“But….” The man said, opening his mouth hopefully as John continued over the top of him. “Look, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but why were you trying to sign up to be a prostitute anyway?”
“It’s terrible here!” the man burst out. “The priestesses are just so mean and they have these sticks they use to hit your knuckles and all the girls just want to be horrible old priestesses and they make us live in these huts and we're never allowed to go outside and it’s boring.” Ripping off his veil in what John supposed was vaguely equivalent to burning his bra, the man yelled “I want to be free to physically express my love! Sex doesn’t kill people, people do!” and before Ronon could do more than wave the gun vaguely, threw himself on Teyla’s feet, kissing her shoes.
“Please!” He begged desperately, “Take me with you! I’ll do anything!”
Teyla opened her mouth to say “I…” when out of the forest burst a pack of elderly women, wearing forty-six identical layers of gloves, scarves, shawls and potato sacks.
“You keep your filthy hands off him, you disgraceful girl!” the first arrival shrieked, delivering a slap to the hands of the begging boy that echoed through the forest. “Mathias, what do you think you’re doing? We can’t be having with this foolishness.” She alternated between stuffing the discarded veil, which she’d somehow managed to snatch up on Mathias’ protesting face, vocal tirade building to a somewhat terrifying shriek while the other woman descended, squawking like gulls about the “filthy, filthy tarts teaching their menfolk wicked ways” and hurling everything from fruit to rocks.
Ducking one particularly ripe tomato-thing, John shouted “I think it’s time we left,” and they turned as one, bolting for the gate.
***
A few days later, after they’d showered the gunk off and come up with a properly edited version for the mission reports, Teyla and John had just finished sparring when she said “Tell me, colonel Sheppard. I asked Major Lorne about the word Mathias called me, back on P43-MX8 and he laughed and said that you, McKay and Ronon were my bitches. Could you perhaps explain this too me?”
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 03:04 pm (UTC)Oh wow.
Wow. Just... I'd laugh harder, but then I'd choke and die of asphyxiation.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 03:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 03:16 pm (UTC)*snort*
You have to LOVE Lorne for rubbing salt in like that, too! [well of course, I could have just stopped that sentence with the first five words, but... :-)]
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 03:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 04:52 pm (UTC)heheheheheheheheheheh!!!!!!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 03:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 03:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 03:35 pm (UTC)I think that pretty much everyone is Teyla's bitch.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 03:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 04:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 04:52 pm (UTC)and a nice little song for you to the tune of Frere Jaques (I did not mke this one up)
I like Spanking
I like Spanking
Spanking Nuns
Spanking Nuns
I like spanking Nun's bums
I like spanking Nun's bums
Dead nun's bums
Dead nun's bums
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:23 am (UTC)Also, you've really got to wonder about nuns, sometimes. Just saying.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:26 am (UTC)*shocked gasp*
that was another taboo in the middle ages
(I'm a re-enactor!)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 05:20 pm (UTC)This was funny, as it was meant to be, but I still gotta say that the world they visited was pretty disturbing. No one would be laughing if the roles had been switched.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:22 am (UTC)You're totally right of course- being held in evil servitude by nuns is actually a quite terrifying prospect. Someone should write that; I'd read it.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 07:00 am (UTC)Way to make it not sound that bad. More like an Austin Powers sequel. *g* But not quite what I meant.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 05:32 pm (UTC)*rolls on the floor is hysterics*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 06:33 pm (UTC)I love that line. And the tomatoes.
I like their complete bewilderment as well. Definitely an enjoyable and funny story. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 08:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 10:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 10:28 pm (UTC)I can't really muster any actual words to describe what's going on in my head other than -OMG! That's so AWESOME!!!!-
So... yep. Awesome.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-23 11:40 pm (UTC)Oh and
And Lorne better find somewhere to hide after that little comment.
That was really funny, thanks for posting.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 12:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 04:22 am (UTC)Laughing that hard is actually painful.
And welcome to the fandom!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 09:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 07:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-24 09:15 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-09-25 01:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-10 01:42 pm (UTC)I mean:
"You should be ashamed of yourself, carrying on with floozies like these! Three of them!" The boys - floozies! LOL
"“You think we’re WHORES?”"
"John and Rodney arrived at a silent promise to never speak of this moment again"
Then the epilogue...*falls off chair laughing*