Sand Through the Glass (PG) by Miriel

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Title: Sand Through the Glass
Author: miriel
Betae: ladyholder and druidspell were kind enough to stay on speaking terms with me throughout the publishing of this, and occasionally smack me in the head with a dead fish regarding comma splices.
Spoilers: The Return, Part 1
Rating: PG
Author's Note: Written to make myself feel better after a massive anxiety attack. I'm not all-here, so I'm not going to vouch for its quality. Written for the Return challenge on sga_flashfic.

Summary: Of all the things that John knew would be different on Earth, the one thing that gets to him is the one that he never expected.

---

Of all the things that John knew would be different on Earth, the one thing that gets to him is the one that he never expected.

It's not the silence. He can handle the unnerving silence that echoes in the halls of the SGC. Even when the halls are full of bodies, there's still something missing. Whether it's the city's voice, Rodney's chattering, Zelenka's muffled curses, or Lorne's muttered complaints about slave labor (something that would never be tolerated in the SGC, loose regulations or not), he's not quite sure. He misses the familiar noises, but that's something he can handle. He's spent most of his life shuffling from base to base; if there's an acquired skill to moving with short notice, he's certainly got it.

It's not the regulations. Sure, he'd gotten used to being in command, but he'd still been a subordinate far longer than he'd been a CO. There are patterns there to fall back on, even if he doesn't like them. By the end of the second week, he's turning in his reports days in advance, and getting strange looks from General Landry for his efforts.

It's not even the lack of intelligent conversation amongst his new 'team' members. They're good kids, but they're damn wet behind the ears (and Johnson makes Rodney - the old Rodney, before he'd spent three years being chased by angry natives and Wraith and learned to shoot anything that could possibly lock & load - look like a marksman). He knows he's not being fair to them, but then the universe hasn't been fair to him; it's better they learn that lesson now, while there's still time for it to do some good.

What gets to John, what has him crawling walls at strange hours (and on one particularly bad night, contemplating his sidearm with far more seriousness than he will ever let Rodney know), is not the silence. Not the loneliness. Not even the rules. It's the time.

Ten hours on. Fourteen hours off. On-Call three nights a week.

John doesn't know what to do with that kind of free time. In Atlantis, when he could grab a few minutes it was always spent with Rodney, but it was only ever a few minutes - a couple of hours at the outside. Even once things had settled down, there was always something that needed his attention. There were always bullets to count and rotations to change and injuries to compensate for. They say that war is long periods of boredom, interspersed by brief moments of chaos, and that's true of war on Earth. In Atlantis, the war was never just on one front, and so the moments of boredom consisted of a leisurely breakfast before heading off-world, or an afternoon sparring with Teyla.

Three and a half weeks into his stay on Earth, and John's so caught up on sleep it's not funny. That's including the hours lost to nightmares, and his recently discovered obsessive need to run five miles every morning, and sometimes again at night. He's jittery and bored and wants something to do, but things in the SGC are organized, and he's started getting funny looks if he hangs around too long and offers to do scut-work too many times. Landry's started making pointed comments about how he's bucking for promotion in all the wrong ways, and John doesn't even know how to tell him that promotion is the furthest thing from his mind.

Because the truth is that John spends his waking hours crawling through molasses, praying for the day when he'll get a phone call that will return his life to its normal breakneck pace.

The other truth, is that John knows the call will never come.

~ Finis ~

Comments

[druidspell.livejournal.com]

I could love this more? But I think it would have to come off the screen and buy me food and jewelry.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Now we're on to the negotiating stage. What kind of food? Because I think ramen is in the budget. Somewhere. Right below "drones", but above ketchup*.

*(Have you ever read "Hamlet Never Saw This Coming"?)

In all seriousness, you like it? This thrills me, incredibly. I need to write you more shopping lists.

[druidspell.livejournal.com]

In all seriousness, if this fic bought me the cheap "case for a buck fifty" ramen, I'd propose marriage to it.

Hmm... I think I'd like to see Elizabeth's shopping list next. ;)

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Hamlet Never Saw This Coming (http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=7024)

Great little fic.

Elizabeth's Shopping List (Circa "Intruder")

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

- 01 iPod, fully loaded
- 02 Pairs Puma Athletic Shoes
- 02 Bottles High Quality, Single-Malt Scotch (Talisker Distillery)
- 02 24-packs Trojan Condoms, containing Spermicide
- 03 Bottles of Neutrogena Sunscreen
- 03 Bottles of Neutrogena Intensive Therapy Hand Lotion
- 03 Nike Workout Camisoles, Red
- 04 Economy-Sized Bottles of Advil, 200 mg
- 05 Cartridge Refills for a classic calligraphy pen
- 05 LBS Godiva Confectioneries, assorted (no pecans)
- 06 Body by Victoria brassieres
- 2 Black
- 2 Flesh
- 1 Red
- 1 White
- 06 Champion Sports Bras, assorted colors
- 10 Packages of Chapstick Brand Lip Balm
- 10 Pairs Victoria's Secret Briefs, assorted colors
- 10 LBS Blue Hawaiian Coffee
- 15 Pairs Hanes Cotton Athletic Socks

As you may have noticed, Elizabeth's is a bit longer than John's. This is not because she is a woman, but rather because she plans more effectively for future needs.

Re: Elizabeth's Shopping List (Circa "Intruder")

[druidspell.livejournal.com]

*loves* And yes, she plans much, much more effectively for future needs.

Re: Elizabeth's Shopping List (Circa "Intruder")

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Hey, that's why they pay her the big bucks, right?

Well, that and the fact that she's a civilian contractor, of course.

Hamlet Never Saw This Coming

[kensieg.livejournal.com]

Miss Porcupine Rocks!!

Re: Hamlet Never Saw This Coming

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

She totally does!

(Also, I haven't forgotten about your Sheppard/Zelenka request. It's just backlogged)

[bluefall.livejournal.com]

Oh, I *like* this. And it makes me like and care about Shep, which is difficult to do. But this makes total sense, and John's sense of helplessness and bewilderment with how he got here and how to fix it comes through really strongly. And free time! Not something I ever would have thought of, but it's so *right* as the thing that drives him nuts.

You've got some seriously nice imagery going here too. This line, for example:
Because the truth is that John spends his waking hours crawling through molasses - that's awesome. Perfectly evocative of that feeling. Thank you for sharing this.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it works for you.

I just keep flashing back to the image of John sitting in his office, nothing to do but play with his little toy planes. For a man who used to effectively run a city the size of Manhattan, that's got to be a rough transition.

I really think that for John, it was like waking up to suddenly find himself trapped behind a desk, with no memory of how he got there or what he's supposed to be doing. He's marking time, and that's all, and if Atlantis hadn't come through things could have gotten nasty for him. You find ways to fill the time, and they're not always productive or healthy.

Although I'll concede, I also think that if Atlantis hadn't come calling Elizabeth would have stepped in front of a bus in a form of passive suicide because she just couldn't bring herself to care anymore. Compared to what she'd seen and done, the squabbles on Earth held no interest for her; her life is/was out there. Her allegiances are out there..

Thank you, very much, for reading.

[khyrra.livejournal.com]

Nice. You've captured exactly how I think John felt during his stay at the SGC. I really liked it. You've got a really good handle on John's voice. Not that he actually talked in this fic, but you know what I mean. ;)

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Thanks! John is, oddly enough, one of the characters that I identify with the most. It make for interesting writing, when I actually use him as the primary, and I'm never sure if I've got him right. Glad to know he speaks correctly, even if he isn't speaking ^_^

[ratcreature]

I liked this!

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Yay!

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

*hugs John* Well done.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'd been missing you lately; it's good to see you out & about in fandom ^_^

Although I'll concede, I haven't been all that out & about, so I don't really have room to talk

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Yes, sorry. RL has been busy, and then scary, and then mind numbing, and etc. You know how it goes sometimes. Even when I can't always be *around* I still try to at least lurk a little. lol
Glad you're able to show up some, at least. *hugs*

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I hear you on the RL thing; I filed my visa application today for a Canadian Study Permit. I went from "it might be nice to have a degree at some point" to "enrolled and moving to Canada" in like 2 weeks. I'm trying desperately to avoid whiplash, but it's been a bit of a struggle.

I am pleased to see you lurking ^_^

I'm trying. I need to sit down and just clear a few backlogged pieces, and I"ll feel better, I'm sure. Just, you know, need to do so.

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

I'm trying desperately to avoid whiplash, but it's been a bit of a struggle.
Well, I can totally see how that might make you a bit dizzy, even if it's great. Is the study permit hard to get?

I'm trying to be less lurky, and more talky. ?lol We'll see how it goes.

I need to sit down and just clear a few backlogged pieces, and I"ll feel better, I'm sure. Just, you know, need to do so.
Yep. Totally understand. {{hugs}}

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping that the study permit is just formality as much as anything. The woman at the embassy gave me this glower and asked why I wasn't just applying at the border when I moved; I take that as a good sign.

*Hugs* Yay! I shall look forward to seeing you around ^_^ I'm getting a digital camera tomorrow (officially for documenting the renovations both here, and up North), so I might even have good kitty pics up eventually!

And, of course, there's the whole novel thing. Which is now bumped up to 'attempt to complete by Comic-Con'. We'll see. Oh, and I'm finishing up your Lorne/Novak-outdoors prompt piece. It'll go up either tonight or tomorrow. Promise!

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

That's great about the study permit.
oooooh, digital camera! Kitty pictures!! That will be very cool. Which reminds me-I need to take more pics of Bogie the crack kitty.

It'll go up either tonight or tomorrow. Promise!
No worries, bra! heeee, SURF NINJAS! er, sorry. *walks away, wondering when I got quite so nuts*

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

No worries, 'bra!' *taps you on the shoulder*

*Goes back to poke at it some more*

[seekergeek.livejournal.com]

The horror of crawling boredom. Yes, that would drive John absolutely batshit. Well done.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

And a bored John is never a good thing. At all. There are solar systems in the Pegasus Galaxy that quiver in terror at those two words being spoken in the same sentence.

[loriel-eris.livejournal.com]

Oh god! Poor John! *hugs him hard* I've only just seen The Return, and this is the first "The Return" fic I've read, and I think you broke me just a little. *meep*

I can totally see this happening tho, the rightness of this is just there. There's no one line that does, but just the way the whole thing is woven together.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Actually, you'd probably like The Six Senses (http://www.mardahin.net/sga/6senses.html), too. It's an unrelated Return fic I did back when Return 1 aired, and addresses some of the same things.

*Hugs* I'm sorry to have broken you! *Passes over a restorative cup of tea* I'm not sorry that it reads well, though!

[burntcopper.livejournal.com]

oh, nice one. You always forget just how much there is to do in Atlantis - this is the city where they had to actually enforce a day off because there was so much to do.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

And you can bet that there were people who tried to squeak by and get into their labs just the same.

I think part of it is that in Atlantis you live at work, in a way that's even more true than for those who live on Earth military bases. You're only a transporter away from the current problem, or the armory, or whatever. Yes, there are things to do for fun/slacking off, but they slot very nicely around the things that already have to be done, so why not do the work first? And while going off-world has relaxation potential, but you can never be too careful, never relax too much.

I can very much see John having not taken an official day off since Intruder. You get your down-time in the infirmary, or in your quarters in shorter bursts. John goes down to the pier and drives some golf-balls, but there's only so long you can do that, and company is what makes that kind of activity work. John gets plenty of good social time while on-shift. And for someone like him, or Rodney, or Elizabeth, or even Lorne, you're never really off-duty. That's just the way it is.

Um, did that make sense? I think I kind of rambled in there...

[califmole.livejournal.com]

Lovely snapshot of John's return back to Earth.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[shallanelprin.livejournal.com]

I hadn't thought of the free time angle. Great story :)

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[kristen999.livejournal.com]

You captured John so well in this. After being on full alert for every unknown terror in the galaxy, being responsible for the security of Atlantis, being cut off of such high anxiety would be very unnerving.

Atlantis was more than base, more than a home. It was bustling hum or a part of space in constant flux. Downtime was as you said just time at meals and little else. After such adrenaline filled years, I think 'normal' hours would drive John crazy. His purpose in life severed, and the people he cared about gone.


love the last line but this one is chilling.

What gets to John, what has him crawling walls at strange hours (and on one particularly bad night, contemplating his sidearm with far more seriousness than he will ever let Rodney know), is not the silence.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

I think the thing with Atlantis is that you get down-time? But it's conditional down-time. You never have moments where you completely shut out the outside world; you can't. There isn't the luxury of oversleeping your shift or calling in sick, especially not when you're in charge (now, I'm sure John overslept on occasion, but there's a difference between being 15 minutes late to whatever and being 3 hours late).

He and Weir are the two (I think) who were hardest hit by the separation, hands down. Because he was connected to the city like no one else, and he was used to being the one responsible for everyone's safety. It all came down to him, in the military situations. She was his counterpart, responsible for every detail of daily life. To be blunt, she peaked. She said it herself - where is she ever going to find a job that compares to running Atlantis? She's not. In Atlantis, she was bound by so many ties - to her people, to the cultures they traded with, even in a twisted way to the Wraith. How was she supposed to just let that go?

*Nods* I can't believe that John didn't have at least one night like that, where he just wasn't sure he even wanted to deal with making the adjustment.

[leesa_perrie]

I liked this. Very moving, and I'd never thought about the free time aspect of it all. Of course, being a Rodney fan, this has got me thinking about his free time (did he deal with it my throwing himself into the new project, working all hours that he could, assuaging his loneliness to some degree as well...)

Sorry, back to the point. Very good story, and it did make me feel for John.

They're good kids, but they're damn wet behind the ears (and Johnson makes Rodney - the old Rodney, before he'd spent three years being chased by angry natives and Wraith and learned to shoot anything that could possibly lock & load - look like a marksman).

Of course, this was one of my fav bits...did I mention I was a Rodney fan?!! *grins*

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that this has sparked some ideas on your end ^_^

Hee! Thanks for the compliment, and hey! nothing wrong with the occasional sympathy for John. I mean, yeah, he gets more alien booty than just about anyone, but it's hard being the pretty-boy, gene-wunderkind of Atlantis.

I mean, when you think back to first season? His whole entire job wasn't in his job description...

[saphanibaal.livejournal.com]

This -- yes.

Because he's adapted to an ongoing-stress environment, and adapting back to a periodic-stress environment is always one of the hardest things to do, especially when there's responsibility tied up in everything.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

I just couldn't stop thinking about it, once I got it stuck in my head, and needed to write it down. Because John is someone who can be patient and still when need be, but give him any kind of free reign and he's constantly in motion. To suddenly lose the ability to always have something to do when you need it/want it must have been incredibly jarring for him. Never mind that he went from being top of the food chain to middle-management at best.

[cupidsbow.livejournal.com]

I love this.

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Yay!